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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ion_7
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1
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Review of Letter  
Review by brom21
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
What a beautiful poem. Even though I had to read over it a few times slowly, I was hooked with just the sound and melody of the fleeting verses. The door is the door of the heart, the soul, being discribed as "mother" is the seat of the emotions and a source of warm affection. Most importantly, the letter is the request and courting of another person. Am I right? I find this relatable to the haiku wich is not subject to ryhming or meter. I wish I could compose such work. lol. Great job and happy WdC anniversary!




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Review of The Dream  
Review by brom21
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
How sweet! You touched my heart. Eveything was in snyc; the beginining was nice and forthcoming, easy to picture, hooked the reader with the mysterious dream, and was fittingly brief. It's hard to write good flash fiction in my opinion. Yours was great even though it was very, very short. I noticed there was no spelling or grammar blips. Kudos for that! Great job and happy WdC anniversary!



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Review of Man’s Last Hope  
Review by brom21
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This was a nice story. It had action, suspense and emotion. You had good descriptions as well. This one below was a favorite-

The field was littered with scorched bodies, severed limbs, and heads. Quarm stood alone in the field. After losing two of his top hands he looked smaller. Lola stood posed with her sword. Chopping Quarm’s arms had given her great pleasure.

I felt there was some infodumping and overloading of premise that occurrred roughly in the middle.It could be just me though. I would have narrated some of the plot points through dialog or action. Nevertheless, this was op tier and very VERY imaginitave. I love the hint of fantasy with the dragons. Congrats for the awardicon! And thank you for double spacing each line. It is so much easier on the eyes and it makes for better retention. Happy WdC anniversary!







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Review of FAMILY  
Review by brom21
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This piece of yours is well written. I like how you really REALLY delveinto all the aspects of what familly means. This line is one of my favorites-

That there are people all over this big universe of ours sending her love – probably a blur.

I like it because it is simple and sad at the same time because we often miss the natural love God made in the universe.

The last stanza is very powerful and concludes the explication quite nicely. One thing I notice is your fluidity and smooth transition from one concept to the next. Did you do any revicions or was this a single draft? All in all a great read!


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5
5
Review of The revenge  
Review by brom21
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
I've never done flash fiction before but I imagine it's hard. I want to point out a few things that are easily fixed. For instance, below there is no indication as to where the screeching is comming from.

"Hello" Nikhil knocked on the half closed door. The only reply was the screeching noise.

One way to fix this is to say that the door opens a bit.

Here a "the" should go after "got."

Nikhil's curiosity got better of him and he walked in,

With this little blip, "step" should be "steps." Honestly though just omit "of is." It flows better.

The wooden floor creaked with each of his step.

Concerning this paragraph, first omit "chillingly." It is superfluous. Next, drop the "to" after "the white curtains. Following this, you spell Nikhil's name differently. Finally, the second sentence is garbled. Following the comma of the second sentence, perhaps you could have ",that made Nikhil wonder why he thought to enter after the door behind him slammed shut."

Nikhil felt a chillingly cold breeze blowing in from the open door, making the white curtains to flutter. The air outside was absolutely still and hot, making Nikil wonder should he have come in when the door behind him slammed shut.

This paragraph is the last correction I will make. First, omit the first comma and put "as" between "startled" and "his." To put it in simple terms, the second sentence is stilted. How can Nikhil get up when he is still stuck in something? finally I will point out that what you have after the last comma is understood. By this time it is obvious he knows he is stuck.

Nikhil Stumbled back startled, his leg got stuck in something making him fall with a loud crash. Nikhil got up hurriedly, wanting to get out of the house, but he realized his leg was stuck in a hole on the wooden floor. .

There are problems with the dialog, but a quick re-read will expose them. I think a good look over will greatly improve your work. Happy WdC anniversary.



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Review by brom21
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This poem was bruataly expressive and raw. The description of weeping painted a painfully glorious image. But at the same time it was tender and full of compassion. The ending was very captivating. It made a simple statement of understanding and peace. Where did you get the inspiriation to write this? Nice poem and happy WdC anniversary!



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Review of Color Blind  
Review by brom21
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I love the parallelisms of how some people look at society as one monotonous, plain everyday hum drum face value grind. Sometimes one must look behind the curtain to see the marvelous, colorful lifeforce that echoes across reality. I also like how you state in the line fourth from the bottom that you have to look at the technical, basic aspect as well. A good example of your viewpoint is culture which the most diverse and dazzling thing much like the hues of a rainbow. Great poem!




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Review of The Sound  
Review by brom21
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Wow! What an enthralling story! This definately had professional tenor to it. This kind of has the feel of Stephen King. I see this has been reviewed many times which adds up to a deserved 4.5 stars. Sorry if I seem over complementary. I really can't find room for improvement. I would have liked to have known what the noise really was. Was it all in his head? Anyway, I loved being in Ryan's noggin. Happy WdC anniversary!


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Review by brom21
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I love works that are short and sweet. I always say such pieces linger in the mind. Your lines were brief too, which adds to the overal retention and experience of poem. It was a little stilted with some lines such as the fifth and sixth lines. It may have something to do with meter. But, like I said, I enjoyed this poem. I hope this was encouraging and helpful. Happy WdC anniversary and have a happy Sunday!



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10
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Review of One Last Tale  
Review by brom21
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
I think you did quite well with this. It was an interesting spin with the time travel element. When I understood what Barns and Ashcroft were I was curious. The concept of going back in time to retrieve stories yet to be published is neat but also pretty cruel too. lol. Forgive me for not giving any real constructive feedback for improvement. I spent almost half a year with absolutely no reviewing and I kind of got out of my critiqueing mentality. Good job with the majority of the dialog being apt and succinct. It helps to get what is being said and the white space is easy on he eyes. Happy WdC anniversary man!



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Review by brom21
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Excellent story my friend! I was so easy to follow-something I especially look for in stories. And talk about description! I really preferred the happy ending rather than the possible bad one that would have ended in the man's death. I'm not one to take to internal reflection, but I found the inner thoughts of the Reviewer quite sad and I felt sorry for him. I did find one word that was misspelled and maybe a few more but it didn't steal from the experience. Happy WdC anniversary! Keep writing, you're a superb author!

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Review of My Whimsy  
Review by brom21
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hmm...this was a peculiar poem. But your piece was not lacking in my opinion. This had good imagery I thoroughly enjoyed! The ending was nice with the brief conveyance. I love shorter poems becuase they stick in the mind more than longer ones. The title was very fitting too. I hope you have a good WdC anniversary! God bless!



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Review of La Luna  
Review by brom21
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This was a lovely poem! I really got lost in the emotional reverie of it all. And, like the moon itself, your piece lingers in my mind. It would have been cool if you used the natural proccess of the moon's gravitational on the oceon as some kind of metaphor. I imagine you could comeup with something very easily. I could come up with some things. Keep up the great work! God bless!


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Review by brom21
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This was really nice. The sentence-by-sentence format worked well. For some reason when you mention "Paul" I thought of Paul the Apostle. lol. Don't know where that came from. The brevity of your piece only adds to the allure and senetimant of the woman narrating the occurrence. You did a good job by leaving the story open-ended with the woman's undecided mind. Happy WdC anniversary and keep writing!!


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Review by brom21
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I haven't reviewed anything on WdC for eons. But I totally loved this. I liked the bleak features and the doomed peson's brooding over his own dilema. You had a very unique ending segment with the man being concsious when he was decapitated. If everything was fading and it was not death, what exactly happens to him? My favorite part was with the old bearded man and the silent communion with the convict-very emotional! I would have liked to have known what the man did precisely. Great stuff. Keep writing!


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Review by brom21
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This is a stellar poem for sure!I love the transitions of rhyme schemes. I did have to read it over twice to get two people were having a conversation. I think the long lines kind of did that. Nevertheless, they did add a rather than take away from the poem overall. So kudos for that. lol. I love the brevity of the last line. It left me forlorn and I had this fleeting sense of emotion. I will say this will be tough to beat. Good luck for tomorrow!
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Review by brom21
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.


This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!


Very nice story! It was short but you managed to create a sulky, melancholy scene illustrated with pungent description. I like how there is a psychological distance between the reader and the person. It really reinforces the man’s dejection; he’s all alone. One thing you obviously did well was getting in the character’s head – nice job with that! Not to be redundant, but this had a lingering, nostalgic color to it, if you would. Anyway, I like this a lot and I hope you keep up the good work! Happy WdC anniversary!






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Review of The Spider Boy  
Review by brom21
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.


This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!


(…, much bigger and much larger than him…)
Here, bigger and larger are the same thing. I think you meant to say “taller” and much larger.


(He went to school gathering up all the courage, met his friends and his classmates.)
Above, “then” should be in the place of the comma.


In the second paragraph, put each new dialog quote in a separate line.


(…she always felt that dreams are not real, they can never be true.)
Here, you say the same thing twice and moreover you state the obvious. Also, dreams being real are a fact not an opinion.


The beginning of this story was awkward and had lots of quirks. It was cumbersome to read. But towards the end, I was quite charmed at your story. I realized this has potential when I finished. Just go back and rework it a little. Doing so will be quite simple. My final suggestion is that it is always advantageous to break large blocks of text into smaller chunks. It’s a lot more readable. Keep writing and happy WdC anniversary!






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Review of Death timer  
Review by brom21
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (2.5)
The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.


This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!


I thought this was too brief. The content was good and original and it sounds enticing to decent degree. But this is too cut and dry. Begin it as you would with a story; start it with a one sentence that briefly describes the protagonist or in your case two protagonists in a way that comes from their POV. Get into their heads a little. I will say having two protagonists may complicate things. Head hopping generally causes the reader to lose focus. If you do stick with two equally focused people, start with one character then break into the mind of the other and so forth. All in all, this was a potentially riveting intro. Happy WdC anniversary!





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Review of My love  
Review by brom21
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.


This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!


(Spend another day in this love, just hoping that this love will revive from my love.)
Two lines above, you have called the love you once had a “skeleton.” With this line, the repetitive use of love is confusing. I would use the term like false love or feigned love at one point. What you have is still beautiful but it would ring clearer with some specifying.


The desperation of the narrator comes across very succinctly. The different modes of love are very clever and full of emotion. You wrote this quite well. Great job! I thought every line correlated with each one to create the picture of a struggling destitute soul longing for true, dependable compassion. I wish I could do justice to show why this is so good. Happy WdC anniversary!





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Review by brom21
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.


This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!


(In the forest of Kilicka lived a respected snake king known as king Cobra.)
Here “king cobra” should” be “King Cobra.”


(Legend told of him battling a lion, a bear, and a tiger and winning the fight after days of fighting and hunting one another.)
Above, the sentence should begin with “A legend.”


(Some of the creatures even make up story of him killing a dragon by strangling him to death with his strong massive body.)
Here, the sentence should go like this-“Some of the creatures even made up a story…)


(…anyone that needs help, even other creatures that were not part of his kingdom.)
With this, “needs” should be “needed.”


(Therefore he was known far and wide and gain lots of royal friends. The lion king also respected him and also offer his protection to his dominion. Every thing…)
Here, “gain” should be “gained” and “every thing” should be “everything.”


(…Shamans was on their way to Kilicka forest…)
“Was” should be “were.”


(They are far away and will be here in about two weeks he was told. “And who gave you this news”, asked the king Cobra.)
Here, the whole sentence should read-“They are far away and will be here in about two weeks,” he was told.
“And who gave you this news,” asked King Cobra.”
Also, I would say who is saying the first quote.


(…usually the participant ends up dead.)
“ends” should be “ended.”


Virtually every sentence is pack full of issues. Usually you seem to have trouble with using the proper word forms. This needs a lot of work. I stopped at the above error because I skimmed over the rest of your story and the issues remain. I’m sure you must be a young writer so I’ll take that into consideration. Just improve however you can. Happy WdC anniversary. A





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Review by brom21
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.


This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!


(The snow had continued to fall until about noon and six inches,)
Here, you need to put something after “and” like “…had rose six inches high.” You use “fall” to show the action but the word alone doesn’t show to what degree.


(Without hesitation, the smaller of the older boys said "can I help? What you payin'?")
Above, “smaller” should be “smallest.”


(The bigger boy rapped the side of his head saying with a taunting tone "Eddie says I'll help you, white woman. Just you give me some money.")
When you say “bigger boy” who are you comparing him with? If it’s all the boys, the word should be “biggest.”


("We got a shovel. I'll get it," the boy said to Sally as he ducked the elbow of the bigger boy and headed for the front door.)
Here, using the degrees of of size gets confusing when you refer to the boys. I suggest using name tags.


This was an interesting story. It had a certain charm to it. I thought Sally Louise was an empathetic soul right to the end. I was getting a little bit confused over who was saying what at the end but that may just be me. I suggest breaking up paragraphs and dialog lines. It will really help clarify the dialog. All in all, a nice narration. Happy WdC anniversary!





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Review of A Small Detail  
Review by brom21
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (3.0)
The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.


This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!


Hmm…this is very short and I kind of like it that way. The brevity makes it easy to grasp and picture. I don’t know what to call this in proper technical terms. Who knows, it may be correct as a summary. Nice job of finishing this with a question. (oh, and a question mark goes at the end. Also, “losed” should be “lost.”) This was quick and concise with a hint of intrigue. Nice job and happy WdC anniversary!





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Review of On Suffering  
Review by brom21
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.


This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!


To reflect on metaphorical use of trees and roots, an individual can be stuck in rock and a hard place. I feel the use of trees and roots works well on a few levels. For one thing, it shows how sometimes we find ourselves stuck in a bad situation and we just have to deal with it. Also, it reflects how we envy what we don’t have in regard to your second paragraph. Furthermore, we at times get too comfortable and grafted to the ground we’re growing from. This was a nice poem. Happy WdC anniversary!





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Review of How It Feels  
Review by brom21
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.


This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

This piece really reminds me of the metaphor of overcoming your mountain and climbing over it. It’s different for every person but we can all relate because we all have them. My faith in Jesus greatly helps me to tackle my mountain. That doesn’t mean I don’t stumble or falter at times but He is always there to pick me up and help me along. Like you pointed out, self-help therapy doesn’t do the trick so well – at least not for me. lol. Anyway, you raise a good point that we can all relate to. Happy WdC anniversary!





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