Hi - I read your piece. I am not from that location - but I read about Texas plenty. Just my thoughts. I found that it was information overload ... eg "John Wayne, Marshall Matt Dillon, and Ben Cartwright" add on "Little Joe Cartwright or Rowdy Yates ". These names are, to anyone from Texas run of the mill standard, but for me, I feel that I had to scratch my head.
I think, if you added anecdotes, it would be more interesting, but otherwise a theme early on would do well.
Hi - I read your story. I believe you have potential, and the fact that you attempted a lengthy piece shows that you have discipline. If you work on some story writing exercises, you have a positive future.
Just my thoughts on your piece.
- You have a good opening hook. I wanted to know more about protagonist, and what rest of the story at the onset.
- I am not sure if the protagonist and his dad are seated or standing at the onset...it seems to stop the flow of the story.
- Para 4. Another block as you are telling us what his father looks like. Too much detail, when there is a more pressing issue at hand.
- " Ayu shifted uncomfortably on the ground. " - avoid words that end with "ly"
- "A lizard ran into a bush and he flinched." Can you make this shorter? Is this sentence even relevant?
- Count how many times the word "fire" comes into your story. Too many?
- Lastly, I could not connect to the protagonist, or his father. They appear shallow...can you work in this too.
But otherwise, good effort. Look forward to more from you.
Hi - I read your story. You have a good style - the story naturally progresses and I guess curiosity got the better of me, as I wondered where this would lead eventually. I will have to admit, reading is not a strong subject for me, so if there is a deeper meaning behind your story, for me, it is pragmatic.
Two things that stand out for me was, first, this piece of text
" I chop the leaf up into smaller and smaller pieces "
It felt like a road block, where I wondered if you used a large knife, or whatever instrument, but it did feel out of place.
Second:
" Vita mutatur, non tollitur "
This and the next two following paragraphs. I felt that the latin theme interrupted the narrative flow. It suits, but more can be done to tie into the story better.
Hi - I read your story. It is nicely done - straight to the point. And three hundred words is not bad. My only niggle was that I felt para. 1 and 2 could be swapped - I dunno - it would appear easier on the flow of the story.
I read your piece. You really do have an interesting idea, one that I pray and hope you develop further. It is original, and something, despite it's short read, it affects me. I like stories like this. I will have to give a high score for this. Also, through the conversations, I can feel the protagonist fleshing out. Now, I will take some stars off....and I will tell you why.
The opening hook is weak. It is best to start the story where the action is, not setting up a background, imagery and all that. I normally skim this bit.
Through the conversations, I felt it was too fast paced. You introduce the sleeping girl, protagonist, butler, Amber & finally " love ".
Just my thoughts. Otherwise well done & look forward to more from you.
I read your story. This is the kind of stuff I call my genre. What I like about your writing is that you have a theme, and a twist early on, one that had my attention. I have to to give you a high score for this.
What I didn't like....there is too much detail I feel, that kind of lets the story go into documentary mode. I did not find a protagonist, if I cannot call all the defenders as a collective protagonist.
Hi - I read your excerpt. I think your writing has merit, and with a bit of polishing, you can have something good. The character, plot and world is interesting. For me personally, I enjoy the detective in me when it comes to a good read.
Just my concerns....would I pay money for it if I came across it as first chapter in my favorite bookstore? Among many other books?
No.
The opening hook is weak.
You are describing the background, the backstory. The protagonist has not been fleshed out, or is in danger. I cannot view anything from her mind, so cannot connect to her.
But otherwise, well done. I can't find any grammar faults, at least to my level, and your descriptive language is good.
Hi - I read your contribution. I always enjoy reading new, from up coming authors. I think your idea has merit, and with an edit, and re-write, you will have something great.
Just my few early thoughts....
I found the opening (hook) slow, my eyes kind of glanced over until I came across something I liked.
The aesthetics of the writing itself is hard. The first paragraph is too long, and there are too many themes that bounce around to get an idea of what will follow.
Lastly, I did not connect with the protagonist. I do not know how the protagonist feels, or if there is any danger, or something to explore further for curiosity's sake.
But otherwise - well done. Look forward to the next submission.
Hi - I read your piece. It is indeed thoughtful and pragmatic. But as for how it makes me feel? You have made arguments for change, and in an academic and well layman's context. Do you think you can also make a balanced approach for no-change?
Overall - I think this is a good subject - but it can be expanded.
" So just imagine when you are born you stay the same your hole life. " hole ---> whole????
Hi. I read your story/s. Both are different to each other in terms of style and prose. There is no grammar faults that I can spot.
Just my thoughts though.
I found the opening weak, and not enough to generate my interest. (I am still wondering why there are three fires, what happened to the other two, why is relevant etc).
And then there are two stories - one about the storyteller, and one about the fire. The story of the storyteller just seems incomplete.
But otherwise, well done. You have done well to keep it short, and in my opinion, this is something that should be up there for all to read.
Hi - I just read your piece. I think it is good - reflects my own personal thoughts and feelings at times. Your writing also is pragmatic, and I guess anyone else reading it can form their own impressions. My only niggle is line 3, the name " Posidon". While it suits the aesthetic of the writing, for me it stood out because, well I guess not being well versed in history, and old stories, I came to a full stop wondering what this will lead to.
This is a good story - there is scope for reflection for the reader afterwards. And of course the story is plausible.
Just some ideas
"Seema was a professor and used to teach Physics in the most prestigious college of the town."
- *show, don't tell*
Instead of telling us about this, you can use an effect of maybe her tiding up her old picture of what she was.
" "Ma'am this is the delivery boy who was supposed to deliver pizza at your house tonight. It was raining so hard and he was in quite a hurry and met with a pathetic accident. He was spot dead." "
- cause, effect link weak.
How's about a little detective hint for the reader to figure out himself/herself how the police deduced that the kid was so so linked to the prof ? Nothing a reader likes better than to figure out something for themselves that the author has left out ever so smartly!
All the best and keep on writing! Plenty of potential in you!
Hi - I read some of your piece. It is something I would have really enjoyed when I was a few years younger and holding fort in a certain village. And yes, I would have read it another three times too!
Your piece reminds me of a "King Arthur" book along the same tone, and level.
I like your language, easy way to explain scenery and dashing hero's.
So here is my full stars, and I guess right back at you 300+ GP's - good writing like yours is hard to come by!
PS - My one concern was that you did not include a reader level (age wise) ....
Hi - I read your piece. It is good, and well, I guess part of everyone's life. Imagine if for one day you received a set of magical glasses that allowed you not miss any opportunity!
But...overall a not so bad piece.
***
I will have to take half star off for a weak [and confusing] opening - it appears that the theme is "nature/prose" at the onset when you start describing poetry stuff. It is romance...
***
....helium departing a large balloon... (-1/2 star)
- I feel this is inappropriate..I dunno connotations with the modern age & insinuations of fun at events .... maybe you added this to give us a sense of time and age...
***
It is a good theme/story if you get it polished. I am not qualified in nothing, I jest like reading and that is that so take what ye may from me thoughts matey. All the best & look forward to more from you!
Hi - I read some of your piece. It is quite good. You have prose, good grammer, and above all a wonder story to tell...once you get a few things ironed out.
But just a few criticisms from a layperson that makes me. I just like reading books, about me only qualification. So take on board what you may.
- I found the opening weak. Doesn't seem much happening.
She called it to her, feeding it with her need.
- Umm..yeah...a retired english teacher may heap you with an accolade or three for this line, but it don't cut no cake with me...
- There is many instances of no "Show, don't tell" ...ie The Storm Diamond, hung from a chain around her neck..
***
She knew they would come, but she had no idea there would be so many. All those men coming for her . . .
- this line, well as a reader, I am dying to know more, but you leave it abruptly. It doesn't flow so well when you leave it like that, and disturbing enough for me to leave your read and reach for some other form of entertainment.
Some Cut n' Paste here...
I'd advise you to go through this site's tips on writing stories, or maybe read a book on "writing books". You already have the majority of skills needed for a successful writer - you just need a little bit of research to help get to the next level. I believe you have a really good story to tell, and more to follow, you just need the theory for it.
All the best, and look forward to more of your works!
Hi - I read some of your piece. I think you have created a wonderful world, that calls to be explored. Your plot, also is quite good. The protagonist has an outlining issue that has to be solved, and I am sure with an editing brush or three, you will have something worthy to be published.
Just me thoughts, a layperson I am, I jest like reading books and that is me only qualification, so jest take on board what ye may...
-The opening is weak, nothing is happening and you "tell" rather than "show, don't tell". A story begins in the middle.
***
A skinny, blonde haired women stormed out of the kitchen into the living room in black high heels.
- again no "show,don't tell". How to get around this? You show everything from the protagonist's point of view. And you can compare her from how they fell in love as a skinny teenager, and now she is a corporate whatever...
***
The secondary characters [kid + wife] lack depth...ie not fleshed out.
***
Something's been stealing cattle, his cattle, the cattle he lives off of.
- last two words need editing...
***
The women scoffed, and snatched the keys from the wooden key hanger beside the door.
- The woman ?
***
some cut n'paste here...
I'd advise you to go through this site's tips on writing stories, or maybe read a book on "writing books". You already have the majority of skills needed for a successful writer - you just need a little bit of research to help get to the next level. I believe you have a really good story to tell, and more to follow, you just need the theory for it.
All the best, and look forward to more of your works!
Hi - this has a twist anyone who loves this genre will gun for! I simply like! It is short, has a theme, and well plausible enough lower the guard of a reader.
So the only thing I picked up on was the gaps of 15 years, it seems a bit out of place during the initial read.
Hi - I read your poem. It is quite good, and if it is close from you heart, well here's 5 stars...
Your poem aroused my interest...strangely enough as I was browsing youtube last night, and came across some funny ex-texts. Well I thought I would get some closure from the entertainment last night.
Hi - I read your piece. I think...well I give you 5 stars first and straightaway...
So now I will give you my thoughts...
It is a readable piece, the opening was weak, but you really surprised me somehow as I went down looking for blemishes.
And somehow, in the end, I was a bit saddened...
You have created a well-fleshed out protagonist whom I was attached to..and created a beautiful story. If I had to change anything, it would be nothing!
All the best and please keep writing...your formula works!
Hi - I read some of your story. Congratulations on your item heading off to be published - something most of us can only dream about. It takes effort and plenty of discipline to have so many words on paper.
Anyways, just my thoughts. I am a sci-fi and fantasy buff so excuse me for the bias. I don't have no qualifications, I just reading, so if you don't find my comments helpful, please ignore them.
The piece didn't quite do it for me.
Your use of fly-on-the wall style omits what the protagonist is feeling, seeing thru his eyes, his ambitions, fear etc...all of these help us to get attached to the main character and prepare us to journey with him/her. It reads kinda like a documentary, and if I want documentary...then I can pick up a documentary magazine instead.
To carry on, there isn't/or seem to be danger involved.
A cuss word so early on. Yeah yeah I knows you want authenticity, but me personally, a cuss word in me book, and I slam it shut.
Apart from that, good effort! There is no grammar faults I found, and the imagery is so good, I feel I am there already.
Hi - I read your story. It is quite good, and your sense of imagery really places me into the scene.I like the characters - they are fleshed out and I feel attached to the story. Another thing that impressed me was that you used the first person perspective - for a short story, I can feel what the protagonist is going through.
So you get plenty of bonus stars for these.
Now, a few things I picked up...
The opening isn't strong. It is a common mistake new writers make by trying to describe the scenery before the story begins. Yeah yeah the story gets better latter on [in this case it does] ...and yeah yeah [for that x reason/excuse you had it there] .... but since the ultimate judge of your work is NOT you, but the reader [in this case yours truly], I will take half a star off. To get around this, you start the story from para three...and use active setting to blend in the rain.
I don't find it plausible that a mom and daughter would hop in a strangers car almost straight-away - in this day and age...well suspicion...another 1/2 star off... [maybe you can analyse this further by making them...I dunno...]
***
"Hey! Can you give us a ride? Our car ran out of gas and one of the tires are flat." The women begged
- The women? Methinks they is adults...then you confuse me with this line
"Mommy this man is scary."
***
"I was thinking i would just pull over on the side of the road, and wait out the rain."
- 4th word should be "I" not "i"
***
"Look buddy, if you keep up this nonsense, we'll never make it to the hospital before visiting hours." The mother strictly said.
- The mother strictly said..... ? ////can you change this .. .. ? I don't feel it appropriate or it just doesn't suit.
A couple of things I picked up.
You have a wonderful talent for writing, I wouldn't mind reading more of your works later on. A tip that works for me is that after writing something, I wait for a couple of weeks after, and then re-read it. Some grammar faults, prose etc are better spotted.
Hi - I read some of your story. It is quite good, and there was no grammar faults that I found, at least to my level. I think, with a bit of polishing, you can have something rather good in your portfolio.
Just some things I picked up. There is no protagonist, the characters don't feel fleshed out. And there is an information overload.
Also, the "show, don't tell" principle is broken fairly early on.
Just my thoughts for improvement...you can show the events through the eyes of one person, and rather than tell us that the pirates done their bit, maybe express this in some other way.
All the best and look forward to more of your works. I think you have it in you to bring a story that readers will enjoy...it just needs some theory behind it.
Hi - I read your story. The twist at the end is quite good. Overall it is readable, the lines flow rather well, and with a little bit of proof reading, I think you will have a good item for your portfolio.
Just some of my thoughts...
The opening is weak, not a good hook. Yeah, yeah I know that you want the background out there for that x reason...but you are competing with other great reads out there. I personally found the conversation bit more appealing, so perhaps you can use "Active Setting" and blend in the snow background there.
Another thing with your opening is that it breaks the "show, don't tell" principle of story telling. A red flag so early on...your piece makes a perfect target for smart ass critics like me.
The twist at the end? My thoughts is that the piece is rather too long for it to end like that. Yeah it's a good read...but how much of it is relevant ?
Just my thoughts. All the best and look forward to more of your works!
“Uh, hi, uh…is this your daughter?
- The first three words...maybe try "Uh...Hi...Uh... "
“Way too long,” said Sam, “you look good, Helen.”
- check the grammar here. Methinks "you" should be "You"
“No. He,s a snowman,” she said dryly.
- “No. He's a snowman,” she said, dryly.
“I ‘m sorry,” said Helen, "she hasn’t been herself lately.”
- “I'm sorry,” said Helen, "She hasn’t been herself lately.”
Hi - I read your poem. I am thankful that I don't have a disability...the lottery of life has granted me a favor. In the same vein, I can argue that while the majority of us are open to people with disabilities, and treat them with politeness, in return the kind act doesn't always reflect my intention. All the best!
Hi - I read your piece. It is quite good, it tells a story. I am also captivated by a feeling I got when I read the last line...this in all is what I give my best score marks for when I review.
So I will give you a 3 stars.
The reason for the missing stars:
the inclusion of these words "microseconds" & "mitosis" ... they is science words...somehow they don't seem to fit here.
"enough to pull the strings on some of his orifices"
- I don't get this imagery....
You also mentioned "behind my family" .... I am at a loss for the relevance....
****
I think you have what it takes to be a good writer. Look forward to more of your works!
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