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645 Public Reviews Given
645 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of THE ORDER  
Review by kbot
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a good story - there is scope for reflection for the reader afterwards. And of course the story is plausible.

Just some ideas

"Seema was a professor and used to teach Physics in the most prestigious college of the town."
- *show, don't tell*
Instead of telling us about this, you can use an effect of maybe her tiding up her old picture of what she was.

" "Ma'am this is the delivery boy who was supposed to deliver pizza at your house tonight. It was raining so hard and he was in quite a hurry and met with a pathetic accident. He was spot dead." "
- cause, effect link weak.
How's about a little detective hint for the reader to figure out himself/herself how the police deduced that the kid was so so linked to the prof ? Nothing a reader likes better than to figure out something for themselves that the author has left out ever so smartly!

All the best and keep on writing! Plenty of potential in you!
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2
Review by kbot
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi - I read your piece. It is good, and well, I guess part of everyone's life. Imagine if for one day you received a set of magical glasses that allowed you not miss any opportunity!

But...overall a not so bad piece.
***
I will have to take half star off for a weak [and confusing] opening - it appears that the theme is "nature/prose" at the onset when you start describing poetry stuff. It is romance...
***

....helium departing a large balloon... (-1/2 star)
- I feel this is inappropriate..I dunno connotations with the modern age & insinuations of fun at events .... maybe you added this to give us a sense of time and age...
***

It is a good theme/story if you get it polished. I am not qualified in nothing, I jest like reading and that is that so take what ye may from me thoughts matey. All the best & look forward to more from you!
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3
Review by kbot
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi - I read some of your piece. It is quite good. You have prose, good grammer, and above all a wonder story to tell...once you get a few things ironed out.

But just a few criticisms from a layperson that makes me. I just like reading books, about me only qualification. So take on board what you may.

- I found the opening weak. Doesn't seem much happening.

She called it to her, feeding it with her need.
- Umm..yeah...a retired english teacher may heap you with an accolade or three for this line, but it don't cut no cake with me...

- There is many instances of no "Show, don't tell" ...ie The Storm Diamond, hung from a chain around her neck..
***
She knew they would come, but she had no idea there would be so many. All those men coming for her . . .
- this line, well as a reader, I am dying to know more, but you leave it abruptly. It doesn't flow so well when you leave it like that, and disturbing enough for me to leave your read and reach for some other form of entertainment.


Some Cut n' Paste here...


I'd advise you to go through this site's tips on writing stories, or maybe read a book on "writing books". You already have the majority of skills needed for a successful writer - you just need a little bit of research to help get to the next level. I believe you have a really good story to tell, and more to follow, you just need the theory for it.

All the best, and look forward to more of your works!


4
4
Review by kbot
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hi - I read some of your piece. I think you have created a wonderful world, that calls to be explored. Your plot, also is quite good. The protagonist has an outlining issue that has to be solved, and I am sure with an editing brush or three, you will have something worthy to be published.

Just me thoughts, a layperson I am, I jest like reading books and that is me only qualification, so jest take on board what ye may...

-The opening is weak, nothing is happening and you "tell" rather than "show, don't tell". A story begins in the middle.
***
A skinny, blonde haired women stormed out of the kitchen into the living room in black high heels.
- again no "show,don't tell". How to get around this? You show everything from the protagonist's point of view. And you can compare her from how they fell in love as a skinny teenager, and now she is a corporate whatever...

***
The secondary characters [kid + wife] lack depth...ie not fleshed out.
***
Something's been stealing cattle, his cattle, the cattle he lives off of.
- last two words need editing...
***
The women scoffed, and snatched the keys from the wooden key hanger beside the door.

- The woman ?
***

some cut n'paste here...


I'd advise you to go through this site's tips on writing stories, or maybe read a book on "writing books". You already have the majority of skills needed for a successful writer - you just need a little bit of research to help get to the next level. I believe you have a really good story to tell, and more to follow, you just need the theory for it.

All the best, and look forward to more of your works!

5
5
Review of Love's a Racket  
Review by kbot
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi - this has a twist anyone who loves this genre will gun for! I simply like! It is short, has a theme, and well plausible enough lower the guard of a reader.

So the only thing I picked up on was the gaps of 15 years, it seems a bit out of place during the initial read.

But otherwise good stuff!
6
6
Review of Goodbye  
Review by kbot
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi - I read your poem. It is quite good, and if it is close from you heart, well here's 5 stars...

Your poem aroused my interest...strangely enough as I was browsing youtube last night, and came across some funny ex-texts. Well I thought I would get some closure from the entertainment last night.

All the best!
7
7
Review by kbot
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi - I read your piece. I think...well I give you 5 stars first and straightaway...

So now I will give you my thoughts...

It is a readable piece, the opening was weak, but you really surprised me somehow as I went down looking for blemishes.

And somehow, in the end, I was a bit saddened...

You have created a well-fleshed out protagonist whom I was attached to..and created a beautiful story. If I had to change anything, it would be nothing!

All the best and please keep writing...your formula works!
8
8
Review of The Sphere  
Review by kbot
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi - I read some of your story. Congratulations on your item heading off to be published - something most of us can only dream about. It takes effort and plenty of discipline to have so many words on paper.

Anyways, just my thoughts. I am a sci-fi and fantasy buff so excuse me for the bias. I don't have no qualifications, I just reading, so if you don't find my comments helpful, please ignore them.

The piece didn't quite do it for me.

Your use of fly-on-the wall style omits what the protagonist is feeling, seeing thru his eyes, his ambitions, fear etc...all of these help us to get attached to the main character and prepare us to journey with him/her. It reads kinda like a documentary, and if I want documentary...then I can pick up a documentary magazine instead.

To carry on, there isn't/or seem to be danger involved.

A cuss word so early on. Yeah yeah I knows you want authenticity, but me personally, a cuss word in me book, and I slam it shut.

Apart from that, good effort! There is no grammar faults I found, and the imagery is so good, I feel I am there already.

Looks forward to more of your works!
9
9
Review by kbot
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi - I read your story. It is quite good, and your sense of imagery really places me into the scene.I like the characters - they are fleshed out and I feel attached to the story. Another thing that impressed me was that you used the first person perspective - for a short story, I can feel what the protagonist is going through.

So you get plenty of bonus stars for these.

Now, a few things I picked up...

The opening isn't strong. It is a common mistake new writers make by trying to describe the scenery before the story begins. Yeah yeah the story gets better latter on [in this case it does] ...and yeah yeah [for that x reason/excuse you had it there] .... but since the ultimate judge of your work is NOT you, but the reader [in this case yours truly], I will take half a star off. To get around this, you start the story from para three...and use active setting to blend in the rain.

I don't find it plausible that a mom and daughter would hop in a strangers car almost straight-away - in this day and age...well suspicion...another 1/2 star off... [maybe you can analyse this further by making them...I dunno...]

***

"Hey! Can you give us a ride? Our car ran out of gas and one of the tires are flat." The women begged

- The women? Methinks they is adults...then you confuse me with this line
"Mommy this man is scary."

***

"I was thinking i would just pull over on the side of the road, and wait out the rain."

- 4th word should be "I" not "i"

***


"Look buddy, if you keep up this nonsense, we'll never make it to the hospital before visiting hours." The mother strictly said.

- The mother strictly said..... ? ////can you change this .. .. ? I don't feel it appropriate or it just doesn't suit.


A couple of things I picked up.





You have a wonderful talent for writing, I wouldn't mind reading more of your works later on. A tip that works for me is that after writing something, I wait for a couple of weeks after, and then re-read it. Some grammar faults, prose etc are better spotted.

All the best!





10
10
Review of Snowflake  
Review by kbot
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi - I read your story. The twist at the end is quite good. Overall it is readable, the lines flow rather well, and with a little bit of proof reading, I think you will have a good item for your portfolio.

Just some of my thoughts...

The opening is weak, not a good hook. Yeah, yeah I know that you want the background out there for that x reason...but you are competing with other great reads out there. I personally found the conversation bit more appealing, so perhaps you can use "Active Setting" and blend in the snow background there.

Another thing with your opening is that it breaks the "show, don't tell" principle of story telling. A red flag so early on...your piece makes a perfect target for smart ass critics like me.

The twist at the end? My thoughts is that the piece is rather too long for it to end like that. Yeah it's a good read...but how much of it is relevant ?

Just my thoughts. All the best and look forward to more of your works!


“Uh, hi, uh…is this your daughter?
- The first three words...maybe try "Uh...Hi...Uh... "

“Way too long,” said Sam, “you look good, Helen.”
- check the grammar here. Methinks "you" should be "You"

“No. He,s a snowman,” she said dryly.
- “No. He's a snowman,” she said, dryly.

“I ‘m sorry,” said Helen, "she hasn’t been herself lately.”
- “I'm sorry,” said Helen, "She hasn’t been herself lately.”
11
11
Review of In Which I Obey  
Review by kbot
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi - I read your poem. I am thankful that I don't have a disability...the lottery of life has granted me a favor. In the same vein, I can argue that while the majority of us are open to people with disabilities, and treat them with politeness, in return the kind act doesn't always reflect my intention. All the best!
12
12
Review by kbot
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi - I read your piece. It is quite good, it tells a story. I am also captivated by a feeling I got when I read the last line...this in all is what I give my best score marks for when I review.

So I will give you a 3 stars.

The reason for the missing stars:


the inclusion of these words "microseconds" & "mitosis" ... they is science words...somehow they don't seem to fit here.

"enough to pull the strings on some of his orifices"
- I don't get this imagery....

You also mentioned "behind my family" .... I am at a loss for the relevance....

****

I think you have what it takes to be a good writer. Look forward to more of your works!
13
13
Review by kbot
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi - I read some of your story. It is quite good - especially the grammar bit. And your use of descriptive language immediately places me in the story. I think with a bit of editing, we could go a long way with this piece.

Just me thoughts matey...take on board what ye may, if others heap accolades on your piece, no skin of me nose, I just like readin' about me only qualification.

So...

The opening is weak. You launch off in the technical side...when stories is about people and how they deal with situations...A novel begins at chapter II...in your case after I skimmed down the first bit...it got interesting and I wanted to read and read...Yeah yeah...I knows you has reason X or Y to counter this, but it is an easy fix!

***
If Whitney was the practical one, her boyfriend was always the one asking the silly questions.

- this is all against "show, don't tell"

Just a couple of me observations...I take 1/2 star for these...Great piece otherwise!
14
14
Review of Untitled  
Review by kbot
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hi - I read some of your piece. I have to admit, the plot is good, if this ever hits the books shelves, I will be quite interested to purchase a copy of it.

But yeah, I will get to my own pevish out first...when reviewing, I tend to go for the overall piece, in how it moves me and so on...so apologies if I hasn't done what ye set me out for.

When writing, it helps a lot if you outline every aspect of the story, from beginning to end, with the bits in the middle. Also the characters, their traits and so on. And then, as you type the story, you are basically filling in the gaps.

Now...with your piece, I couldn't quite place the theme...is it attachment, romance (bonus for this as I likes that genre), twist ...or just drama . ...

Para 2. well...I almost stopped here. I don't like cuss words in me stories. Yeah yeah I knows that you wants it authentic or what ever reason...but cuss words don't cut it for me. When picking up books at me local bookshops, I tend to read a bit of the first chapter before deciding to buy it or not, well I would have put this down smart if it was there.

But yeah...all the best! I will consider buying it if me fancy strikes, jest me ideas matey I added. Take on board what ye may as I jest like readin' about me only qualification. All the best!
15
15
Review of The Offer  
Review by kbot
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi - I read some of your piece. It is quite good, especially the grammar bit. Well a least to my intermediate level. Also your prose is quite reminiscent of some of the classic books I have on my shelf, so much as to I almost reached for it.

Anyway, just a few of my thoughts:

Take on board what ye may, I jest like readin', abouts me only qualification...so if others heap accolades on ye piece...no skin of me nose matey...

I found the opening weak...you kinda set off to explain the background away instead of a hook to lure me attention.

Para 2. is all against the principle of "show, don't tell". This red flag so early on in the "story" . . . well you can probably finish off this argument.

Yeah yeah .... I knows that ye has this reason or that reason for ye style .... but if ye comes into contact with some legendary authors, ye can git some ideas. This website is a treasure trove for research too.

At the end of the day, the ultimate judge of your work is the reader. So I hopes you don't mind me thoughts.

All the best & as a gesture of good faith, here's 85 gps...I knows ye has a bestseller in you...especially judging by the clean error free writing!
16
16
Review by kbot
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hi - I read your piece. I like your grammar, and how you bring the reader into the environment. You have created a wonderful world that I would enjoy exploring in due course.

But anyways, just a few things I picked up.

The opening is rather weak. Well nothing is happening. If the hook isn't there, you have every chance of missing a book publishers initial survey, and have your work end up in the skip bin along with hundreds of other submissions. A good story begins at chapter II...so this is probably where you ought to start the piece.
Para 2 introduces "Suzette". A casual reference, but it will help if you add detail. Otherwise you get a shallow person, again, an indicator to move onto the next work.

Just some thoughts matey. All the best!

17
17
Review of Leech  
Review by kbot
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi - I read your piece. It is quite good. Your hook is strong, and the grammar is, well to my intermediate level, down pat. I also like the atmosphere, it is a rich world I would enjoy exploring.

Just some things I picked up though, you would want to take on board.

I jest like readin' - jest me only qualification. So if them others heap accolades on ye piece, no skin off me nose matey.

Para. 1 has 2 characters, all of 'em is shallow. In my opinion, if you just concentrate on the noose part of the moment, it is enough. E.g. does the character feel fear of death, does he want to live, also don't forget smell.

Para. 4 disperses tension by making the situation casual. Yeah yeah I know you want that way for some reason, but to make a hero, you has to punish him, punch him down until he can't git up no more. And then when he does git up, you punish him some then too.

Para. 5 throws an element that slows the momentum of the story. Sure it leads to background, but I felt it was too early to for background.

Anyways, gotta go. All the best! Look forward to what ye comes with again!

18
18
Review by kbot
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Wow! I'll save you some trepidation first and award my five stars before giving my thoughts on the story.

I like the hook, and couldn't wait for the next line. It seems that you are efficient in your writing, as there were no redundant sentences that I picked up.

Finally, the ending was great - it was a complete story instead of falling off half-way. This is the story I would like to read from a famous author.

Thank you!

Look forward to more works from you.
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19
Review by kbot
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya - this is a sad story...I hope not based on true life, but given the real world, well the real world can be hard on any young life.

I found the story emotionally charged.

Only change I would consider is para. 6. You have mentioned the boys, and some of their character, but what relevance is this to the theme of the story? I found the momentum of the story had stopped here. What you have here is something not fully fleshed, and insignificant.

Otherwise all the best!
20
20
Review of Deacon Ryce  
Review by kbot
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hiya - I read your piece. It comes out like a prologue in my opinion, if not a historical item. Kind of like you are giving the background of story first.

Anyway, I like that there is no grammar faults, and that my interest level was quite high. So you get a few bonus points for this.

Now...what got me was that stories are about people and how they deal with situations that you and I would find, well, out of our comfort zone. In this case, I didn't have a character I could get attached to, and see through his eyes. Also of note is that there isn't the "show, don't tell" aspect...so this is why I have to take 2 stars off.
If at any time you do choose to upload this, then I can perhaps alter my rating.

All the best...and keep on writing, would love to see more of this world!
21
21
Review of Join RAOK!  
Review by kbot
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Keep it up team!
22
22
Review by kbot
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hiya - I read some of your story. It is quite good, especially the grammar part. It does have a feel good atmosphere about it too - the sort of book I'd be proud to hand over to a teenager for a present.

Anyways, just a few things I picked up...it's jest me opinion matey, so if ye gets others heap accolades on ye piece, no skin off me nose, if ye does not wanna take on board what I puts down. I jest like to read books I'll have you know.

The opening wasnae strong, it didnae pique me curiosity to read further. yeah yeah I knows it gets better "later" . . . but you has to get a good opening hook early on.

I was a bit lost on the theme, or plotwise as to what it's all abouts. I know what I likes, so it'd be good if you tie in some hint or three what the story is about.

Also para 1. isn't "show, don't tell" . . . get this wrong, and you get editors at major publishing houses, not to mention readers discard your writing in favor of something fairly on . . . and then they start reading someones else work.

Holly shrugged, but didn’t dispute it. Her mother had always had very particular ideas of what she felt a twelve year old girl such as Holly should’ve been doing. Mostly, she’d expressed her concerns that Holly having a grand total of one friend, Emma, wasn’t good for her. But Holly was, for the most part, okay with only having Emma for a friend. Emma had been there when other girls at schools teased her, she liked the same movies and books, and she lived only two doors down. Really, what else could you need in a friend?
- another example of NOT "show, don't tell" . . . . there is also another blatant 2 para's of this 5 para's down . . .

A good thumb rule of writing books is that books begin at chapter 2. So...food for thought...

Anyways, all the best, I give ye plenty of stars for grammar and such, but the remainder is jest what I spotted. All the best and keep on writing!
23
23
Review of EVOLVE  
Review by kbot
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hiya -

I read some of your piece. It is quite good, the style aroused my curiosity a bit. It's kinda a bit of chase/detective element thrown in too, with magic/fantasy/science. Wow! A complex theme. Should be interesting to have this one pan out if you end up a novella.

Anyways, a few basic grammar points I immediately picked up. The start don't have apostrophes, speech bubbles. If you was gonna for a gold medal, you better get it right fairly early on.

You gotta describe the characters too, so as to help the reader visualize them. Yeah they is scientists, so I make them stereotypical middle aged in lab coats. But if they is something other, then well, I get upset.



Para 2. "yes" should be capital. I noticed you omitted this a fair bunch times later on too.

Hannah left the photocopy of the manuscript on his desk, but still feeling unsafe, left by the back door and went to a hotel. She could feel something wasn't right. She couldn't tell if it was danger or just that odd feeling you get when you can tell something isn't right.
- what is the relevance of going to a hotel ? If you do a location shift this big, have something happen, again describe it, or something. If it ain't needed, don't do it.



After thinking about it a while, She remembered the cabin she spent her summers with her granddad. He had a loose floorboard that he kept all his flys in. Amuses her now, he thought they were so valuable. It was his secret way of tying them. He was a bit eccentric, and maybe that's where she got that. Either way, it was as good a place as any to hide something.
-this para doesn't make sense. "flys", "tying".
- also, follow the rules of cause and effect. A character just doesn't decide/figure to go to the cabin. Something must trigger it. The trigger is weak in this case.

Might be a good idea to put this piece aside for 6 weeks or so, and then do a personal re-edit. You will be amazed to pick up some desperate changes etc.

Anyways, just some me thoughts matey. If you get others give you accolades, no skin off me nose. I jest like to read, about me all qualifications. Keep writin' willya and don't never quit. You got a best seller in you some where.
24
24
Review by kbot
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya - I read your piece. It is quite good - I think the characters are strong and interesting enough for you to develop this further.

Anyways, I gotta admit, I have been thru some regency romance books myself. Amanda Quick, and a few others that I grab from the library if I can beat the competition...lol.

So yeah..back to your work...

This is a romance theme, and there all about boy & girl. The opening wasn't strong because you really threw the spanner in the works, or garden at the start. Everything has to be from the perspective of the protagonist, so you have show everything as from the eyes of Dorothea ie. how she views Lady Hortensia, her inner thoughts as to why she wants the job, a bit of poverty or dire straits or agenda...

A fly on the wall approach works...but your submission seemed to lack a bit of the "I don't know what".

Look forward to further works from you...your genre is just the ticket . . . and plenty of space for fresh blood here! All the best!
25
25
Review of On The Verge  
Review by kbot
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hiya - I read your piece. It is quite good - with no grammar faults..at least that I picked up at my intermediate level. Now.. since you mentioned a bit on the opening hook, I feel I must add a word or three.

Take on board what you may, if you get reviewers other than me giving you thumbs up, please ignore what I put down, no skin of me nose.

Anyways, I am all for really short stories, and short review pieces that can help you reach your goal, so if anything, I can give you a bonus star for not wasting my time.

Now as for what you put down ...

Para 1. insinuates you are on horse back (galloped?)

Para1. has the word "slowly" ... you has to read up on the internet why not to use words that end in "ly"

You mention Emily in para 2. Yeah I know that she has blue marble eyes, but from what I read, the character is still a bit shallow, you need to add more description so as to make her someone the reader will love, and enjoy the rest of story with...

all I could voice out were grunts and mumbles followed by a firm grasp for my phone.

- why grunts and mumbles ?? are you tired, or simple minded, or panicky...the reader is not psychic...so you has to be clear. Leave details out, the reader finds too many questions, so won't bother reading any further...

the man sounded as if he had just swallowed a motor engine.
- what sound is that ? deep ... choked ... I don't know... another question that I don't know the answer to...

Just some of me thoughts matey...

Anyways, keep writing, and look forward to more of your works! All the best!
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