Thanks for the excellent reminder that in the western world, the poorest among us is richer than so many others. And the reminder that stuff is not that important.
I've always enjoyed the verse in the Bible that tells us to give thanks in all things. In all things, not because of them.
You wrote beautifully. I didn't see a thing that I would change.
I found this on the public review page. That reviewer was correct to say that you have created a poem with the amount of syllables that you indicated. But for me, reading it aloud showed a few lines that appeared awkward. If it were mine. I would probably change at least 2, maybe 3 lines, making them 8 syllables, just because that would read aloud better. (I'm sure that I have mentioned before that a gentleman that I "met" on another writing website was a poet who supported his family writing poetry, publishing it in books, and having poetry readings. He told me that all poems should be read aloud. Doing that has shown me quite a few places in my own poetry that needed tweaking.)
Of course you can ignore that suggestion. I did love your word choices. And the topic was one most of us have probably experienced.
Your poetry format is quite interesting, the words impactful. Anyone who has experienced abuse (mine was spousal abuse years ago) can relate. I teared up.
That's a fantastic story, James. I've never experienced living near a lake, but can envision it now based upon your descriptions.
Perhaps I might change this sentenc: She was on the summer league swim teams and both of her older brothers had played on the water polo team in High School, so Melanie tried out for the girls’ water polo team, too.
To me, it's a bit unwieldy. Read it aloud and you'll see that knowing where to breathe is confusing.
You are absolutely right. That is what words are and what they do. Words can cut like a knife, or soothe the soul. They can be kind or cruel. Your poem reminds us of the many kinds of words and how they can be used as weapons.
You have shared some great households hints. I like the idea of putting everything belonging in one room in a bag. Great idea... as long as someone doesn't get helpful and decide to throw the bag away.
I'm probably the only person around who hates getting into a bed that has been made. I truly do prefer the unmade bed.
You've done it again. As I read your poem aloud, I admit that I looked for something to criticize. Alas, I found nothing. It flows well and has perfect rhymes.
It's even a tad frightening. Definitely fits the "mystery" genre.
This sounds like something that someone would write after a bad breakup. At age 71, and having been through a few bad breakups, I never considered love to be like snake oil. Perhaps that's because my definition of love comes from the Bible:
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 NIV
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
Your few words did communicate your feelings, I believe. On that I commend you. Myself, I tend to be verbose.
I always enjoy reading the thoughts of others about life and living. As we grow and mature and travel through the different stages of life, what is important to us usually changes as well.
I particularly liked your last 2 lines:
Life's quality and quantity is a gift from the Creator.
The truth is life is the sum of the quality and quantity we give it.
I might add "that" between is and life: The truth is that is...
This is an excellent beginning to a story. Ny mind can think of so many ways that it could end.
I did question the use of "ill-portended". It was always my understanding that portended meant the foreshadowing of something probably calamitous, so does it need "ill" attached?
Well done. That had to be a fun prompt to follow. As I read the poem aloud, the flow was excellent. Your descriptive words were right on point. And I lived how you spelled "moo-ving". Good luck with your entry.
Your story captures two truths - discovering and developing your own artistic abilities is sometimes difficult. And so is being a parent. It's difficul to know how much encouragement and affirmations each child needs.
Your dialogue is good. I found no glaring errors.
By the way, most parents learn to say, "Tell me about your painting..
"
I loved reading this. It appears that you followed the prompt for the contest that you entered.
For me, though, it was fun to read. A gentleman who earned his living writing poetry once told me that all poetry should be read aloud. That allows us to find any parts needing tweaking.
I found your piece on the review page. Like that reviewer, I didn't find many mechanical problems although I would probably make some of the sentences shorter.
My son was your age when he became a vegetarian. Let me suggest that visit your physician regularly making sure that you get the right nutrients. My son ended up not being able to process B vitamins and the vitamin deficiencies caused 2 horrible physical ailments - neuropathy (he woke up one day not being able to feel his feet and hands, but they were also tingling and felt like they were on fire). That took 5 days in the hospital and 2 weeks in physical and occupational therapy, and he came home with a walker. In his 30s!
18 months later, I called an ambulance again, this time because he was bleeding from his nose and mouth. That turned out to be non-alcoholic liver problems. Both of these ended up being because he wasn't getting B vitamins, especially the ones that come from meat. It turns out that many people have this problem. Although he was taking all of the B vitamins, he could not process them. Now that he is eating meat again his vitamin deficiencies have disappeared. But he still has neuropathy and he will probably still need a liver transplant.
Much of what you shared, I obviously disagree with. The Bible mentions that eating meat is okay.
And as for honey,
Evidence shows that it can have several health-beneficial effects including antioxidant, anti-inflammatory,and antibacterial.
Do consult health experts. My son was a vegetarian for over 15 years and it negatively affected his health.
I'm so glad that I stumbled upon your poem. The last poetry class that I had was as a senior in high school in 1969-70. Your description as tanka poetry forced me to relearn what I had forgotten about this form. Thanks for that!
Your title doesn't tell let us know what is coming, but your description explains that a bit. And then comes the poetry. My favorite lines are the last two: Flowers grow in my presence;
they wave in the breeze, old friends. Since my favorite flowers are bright yellows, I could imagine a field with both daisies and sunflowers, definitely my old friends.
You achieved the 5, 7, 5, 7, 7 and your words elicited a positive response. As with all poetry, it is best read aloud.
Your title tells us what you want to explore. "I would change your teaser to this: Social media has become important in our daily lives. It has changed the way we communicate." That way the verb tenses match.
The introduction, body, and summary are all done well. I didn't find anything there that I would change or tweak. That being said, I was a bit disappointed that you didn't mention any of the drawbacks that society has experienced because of social media. Perhaps you can address that in another essay.
Thanks for sharing.
Blessings,
Kenzie
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