I promised to review your work, and so I shall. Know that I am not well versed in poetry, so my reviews are from my emotions rather than your technique. I wouldn't know a tanka if it hit me in the head.
First Impressions:
Clever. I immediately noticed the wave, both on the page and reading this aloud.
Flow/Content:
I'm a sucker for internal rhyme and/or assonance, and if you also tie together two or more disparate thoughts, I melt into a quivering puddle.
Favorite line/s:
golden
bend
to the winds
of inflation;
Overall:
Some of your poetry is just way over my head. When I "get" it, it is beautiful. My two cents? This one is gorgeous.
Welcome to Writing.com! I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. If you have questions about the site or my review, please feel free to ask!
Flow/Content:
This is a lovely expression of both faith and affection. Your words are eloquent, and the story carries emotional impact. However, the tense switches several times in this short piece, which interrupts the flow.
Favorite line/s: Cows with stick-like legs grazed in an endless field against jagged, distant mountains.
Overall:
You've shown that a single moment can contain the wisdom and love of the entire universe--a slice of heaven. Please do write on!
Welcome to Writing.com! I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. If you have questions about the site or my review, feel free to ask! Remember this is only my opinion, so please take that which will make your piece stronger, and ignore the rest.
First Impressions:
Did someone say that playing an instrument was easy? You are correct--it takes a lot of discipline.
Mechanics:
In your title, the word should be spelled "musician". Also, your piece is unrated. I believe E (for everyone) would be fine. Also consider adding genres, as the default setting is "other". "Arts", or perhaps "How-to" might work. If you add key words to the description, such as "flute", then someone searching for the word "flute" might find your essay.
It isn't infact
I think this might carry more impact if you separate these thoughts. Consider:
It isn't. In fact,....
before in band = before band
Flow/Content:
I had a difficult time following your train of thought here. Could you expand on your essay a bit? It may be that your word processing program cut this off, because it ends "...that goes for..." and the sentence is incomplete.
Overall:
You have a good start with "ambresures and fingerings"; although you might want to explain what "ambresures" are for those of us who do not play an instrument. Discussing all the skills needed to master the flute would fill this piece out.
I would be happy to re-read and re-rate this once you edit it, and find the part that got eaten!
Welcome to Writing.com! I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. If you have questions about the site or my review, please feel free to ask!
First Impressions:
Your last line is powerful, even though I figured it out.
Mechanics:
Good job indenting the paragraphs! I understand that you want to surprise the reader, but you really do need quotation marks to show dialogue.
You feed me lines....
This portion is speaking of the past, so I think "fed" would work better.
Flow/Content:
You write with a freeform, casual style that is perfect for the story, so the sentence fragments are fine. I know it felt good for the character to get that out of her system!
Most of the story is told in dialogue, but some movement might give more impact to her emotions. Even something as simple as describing how her eyebrows came together would substitute for the word "glare", and at the same time give the reader a break from the dialogue.
I'm not sure if her looking into his eyes worked for me. Somehow, it feels like I have been lied to, or tricked. However, the fact that he does not answer her does seem fair. I am undecided, but thought I would mention it.
Favorite line/s: The fire rose again, and this time it ripped through his silence like wildfire.
Overall:
You showed very clearly the bottled rage of the person scorned. I got mad with her, because I've been there too. Great job showing emotion through speech! Keep writing!
First Impressions:
I'm so very glad I found your ring. The contest looks like a blast. It rewards bloggers for what they are already doing--writing as often as possible--and reading other's ramblings, essays, and life stories.
Overall:
Great idea, and a great resource for finding good blogs to invade. I see some of my favorites, and I'm eager to read new ones.
I think I'll throw my lot in with you guys! What have I got to lose, besides my writing inhibitions?
First Impressions:
A passionate look at your take on freedom.
Flow/Content:
I like the use of bold for subsections and emphasis. You have ordered your thoughts well, and the footnotes lend a more professional flavor to what some might take as a rant. Tomato/to-mah-to, I say. It is a bit loose in punctuation, with a few sentence frags, but I understood every word. You get bonus points for stating anything "proudly and defiantly"!
Favorite line/s: THE ONE AND ONLY HUMAN RACE!
Overall:
Thank you for pointing me toward the poll, and I urge others to take it also.
Your essay is a good answer for some good questions--timely questions--on a subject that continues to divide the American electorate. Whether they agree or disagree with you, no one can say you don't care about our country.
It is always a pleasure reviewing your work, for you never do anything halfway. I love the enthusiasm you have for life, and the compassion you have for others. Write on!
Welcome to Writing.com! I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. If you have questions about the site or my review, please feel free to ask!
First Impressions:
Oh my, you sure can tell a story!
Mechanics:
excersize = exercise
There were also a few missing commas. I had to read the portion at the gate several times to see who was talking to whom. Otherwise, it was...smooth and satisfying. The sentence fragments were perfect for this casual little talk among friends.
Flow/Content:
I love that you've used satire to illuminate the worth of our basic freedoms. That you do not smoke yourself makes the piece all the more powerful. You give the background of the legislation, as well as your opinion, and you do it all with humor. Well done.
Favorite line/s: ...although no one from NPR could get the spokesman to explain the connection between a tobacco ban in Ohio and Islamic radicals.
Overall:
It is so nice to see writers use their talent to bring attention to social issues. Keep writing! I will certainly visit your port again.
I hope my honest review will be helpful to you. I've nosed around in your port and there is excellence is each piece.
First Impressions:
I got the picture!
Flow/Content:
While each of these pieces skips along to its own beat, there is always your signature "shuffle hop step"--and a solid kick at the end. I just really like the flair of your pen.
I would give suggestions, but they would only be stylistic issues.
Favorite line/s: As it was, she just seemed rather edgy, like a deer sniffing the air for hunters.
Overall:
Thanks for giving me some much-needed advice on drawing characters. I look forward to more of your work.
Welcome to Writing.com! I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. If you have questions about the site or my review, please feel free to ask!
First Impressions:
Wow! Awesome piece of flash fiction!
Mechanics:
There are a few minor errors--a missing semicolon, and I believe there should be three periods after "like" and before "that" to show a pause.
Flow/Content:
Nice flow, and you have wonderful descriptions of the house looks and how it feels.
Favorite line/s: It was elegant, regal almost, all stained glass and oak panels; but they were just shadows from a past that haunted and hurt.
Overall:
Love this piece. It is definitely an unusual POV, and I know the house would feel honored. Keep writing! Flash fiction is hard, and you've made it look easy!
Welcome to Writing.com! I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. If you have questions about the site or my review, please feel free to ask!
First Impressions:
I was hooked from the moment Herman began to spew. This is a wonderful story; full of wit, humor, and history.
Mechanics:
I was so caught up in your world that I forgot to nitpick. You have a wonderful grasp of the art and technique of writing.
Flow/Content:
Great flow. I love the way you present the background information with the newspaper. Your characters are interesting and realistic, and each scene floats right into the next. The dialogue is excellent, and you have several great turns of phrase.
Favorite line/s: She lifted those blocks a step at a time, and they really did seem to get lighter, until she felt as if she was gliding on a sheet of air. It was something that happened in her heart.
Overall:
I don't give many 5's for prose. This one is well deserved, and you get a standing ovation from me. You write with passion, and it is obvious you take great care and pride in your craft. Thanks for showing me how it's done. I look forward to reading more of your work.
I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits.
First Impressions:
I read your entire book one night when I could not sleep, which was a bad decision. My mind only raced more afterward; with your great characters, as well as the general theme of the work. What would it be like to one of only a few survivors?
Overall:
I will certainly take the time to review each chapter at a later point, but to be honest--I saw few areas of concern. I only remember that it was unclear in a few spots which character was writing in the journal.
I just wanted to let you know that your work inspired me to keep writing about anything and everything. You took a fantastic event and made it real. The subject matter as well as the form are creative; and I enjoyed it immensely. Thank you for making your book accessible to everyone.
Welcome to Writing.com! I adore your user name! I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. If you have questions about the site or my review, please feel free to ask! I am always willing to re-rate after you have finished editing.
First Impressions:
This is a cute story! It is great when we can learn something from minor events. Emily and Kendall seemed very real to me. You have a talent for creating characters!
Mechanics:
My main suggestion is to check your work with the site's spell check, or use a word processing program. You have a few spelling mistakes. I hope you don't mind my suggestions.
i = I (Always capitalize the word "I".)
nabors = neighbors
Mrs. Jall, My first = Mrs. Jall, my first....
craking up = cracking up
Everytime a character speaks, it is a new paragraph. I will give you one example.
When we got there I said,"So did you see Billy again today?" Emily replied,"Even worse he's in my 4th period PE class and he sits right behind me!"
When we got there I said, (space) "So did you see Billy again today?"
Emily replied, (space) "Even worse (comma) he's in my 4th period PE class and he sits right behind me!"
I hope these examples show some of the common errors we all make.
Flow/Content:
Your story flows nicely. You did a great job moving from the class setting, to the bus, to the house. I like how you showed that the girls were bored, and also the closeness of their friendship.
Favorite line/s: Call me later and ill research on my dads criminal profile thing he has on his computer." Emily said joking around.
Overall:
You have humor, friendship, and a lesson in life in a very short story! I am impressed! However, all the little errors make it difficult to read. I think with some editing, your story will shine! Keep writing about your friendships, and even your pain. You learn something, and teach something, every time you write. And, I learn something everytime I read your work!
Welcome to Writing.com! I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. If you have questions about the site or my review, please feel free to ask! These are my personal opinions, so take those suggestions you can use, and discard the rest!
First Impressions:
This sounds like a great book with a wonderful moral.
Mechanics:
My suggestions are minor.
Book titles should be underlined. See "WritingML help" for the code.
I like the title of your essay. Perhaps a "the" in front of "peace" would make it clear that you are discussing two separate concepts that are related.
Flow/Content:
Thanks for the paragraph indents! Your essay is well ordered. You have a thesis statement, examples, and a conclusion. Nicely done! The only suggestion I have is to perhaps expand your essay, and give a few more details about each person. It seems rushed.
Favorite line/s: The best thing to remember is that hate is easy, and forgiveness is hard, but try to reverse those and it will change your life forever.
Amen!
Overall:
Great job with the synopsis of this book! You have described the characters and their conflicts, and extracted the theme. Keep writing! You are good at writing essays; and I look forward to more of your work.
Welcome to Writing.com! I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. If you have questions about the site or my review, please feel free to ask! I am always willing to read and re-rate your work after you edit.
I admire your desire to affect political change, and to awaken the sleeping electorate. So many people don't even care enough to vote...
I love the historical references you have scattered throughout this piece. I also agree with you about politicians, which, of course, is the reason many people do not vote. They do not believe they have the power to affect change.
It is not until the very end of the essay that you reveal your theme: social security reform. The preceding paragraphs are only clear with that piece of information. I would include a thesis sentence in the first paragraph to explain what your essay is about.
Your last sentence is "Do your duty as an American." However, you do not tell us exactly what that entails. Do you want us to write Congress? March in the streets? Replace all the corrupt politicians? If you tell us what you want, I guarantee some people will follow your advice. America will be stronger for it.
Thank you, sincerely, for caring enough to write about this issue. You have an historical perspective, and your passion and patriotism is evident. With some editing, I think your argument could be persuasive enough to compel others to get involved in the political process. Keep writing about these issues; your pen is as important as your voice. Both are stronger than we sometimes realize, and both are needed to prevent disaster.
Welcome to Writing.com! I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. If you have questions about the site or my review, please feel free to ask! Take those suggestions you feel are useful and ignore the rest. I am always happy to re-rate at the end of the editing process.
First Impressions:
Is that what they call it these days--stumbling? I'm glad I stumbled upon your story. I do not normally seek out erotica, but I enjoyed being a voyeur. You have a talent for this genre!
Mechanics:
My suggestions are minor, and relate mainly to punctuation.
1. Use quotation marks or italicized text to show internal dialogue. in a tin can Bella thought....
"...in a tin can," Bella thought....
2. Avoid sentence fragments if possible. lavished upon her. Especially
lavished upon her, especially
3. Make sure your actions progress logically (in sequence). Her palms began to sweat as she wiped them....
Her palms began to sweat, and (or so) she wiped them....
4. Check for repeated words in the same sentence or paragraph. ...their catatonic stares staring back at her....
...but her eyes were met by the catatonic stares of thousands of faces....
They were...bobbing heads...bobbing head.
5. Reading your work aloud may reveal words that sound similar. A word processing program would miss them because they are spelled correctly. rationale thinking
rational thinking
I hope these examples show some of the common errors we all make.
Flow/Content:
This story takes place during a short period of time, and I think it flows nicely. You set the stage with the rock concert, and built the tension to the climax at the end. I felt Bella's emotions as she was lost, and found, in the surging crowd.
I would caution you, however, to limit overused phrases. In this case, you have a puppeteer as well as both a cat and lion stalking their prey. Sometimes you can obtain consistency and depth by choosing one comparison and weaving it throughout the story.
Favorite line/s: I had to censor it, so here's my second fave: His husky voice rumbled through her head, setting loose the basket of butterflies that had lain dormant until this moment in time in her stomach.
Overall:
There are some marvelous turns of phrase and lush words that set a sexy mood for your story. "Chastising her paranoia", "diaphanous", and "lavished" jumped out at me. If we judge a story by whether it produces the "desired" effect, I must say yours is told well! A bit of tightening will make it shine!
Welcome to Writing.com! I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. If you have questions about the site or my review, please feel free to ask!
First Impressions:
I should have known better than to open your essay. These kinds of crimes against children haunt me for years. However, I thank you for calling attention to such atrocities in your writing. Many of us choose fantasy over reality.
Mechanics:
I hope you don't mind a few suggestions that might tighten your essay.
"Other than that I don’t know" You may want to delete this portion. I believe the remainder of the sentence conveys the idea well. I see your piece more as an opinion piece than a rhetorical essay.
"or where her lived = he lived
Flow/Content:
"Apparently he went" This paragraph starts out in past tense and switches to present. I think it might flow better if you stick to past tense, as this has already happened.
"What he ended up doing"
"he took it upon himself"
These portions make your essay wordy, and suggests that you have inserted your opinion, when you are actually stating facts. If you want to show reality, I think it may be easier to stick to "he placed", "he took her" etc.
Favorite line/s: (I agree with you in theory!) In my opinion, I believe that the family of the deceased should have a certain restricted period of time to do what they will with him.
Overall:
The last paragraph is your opinion, and this is where you can play around with phrases, because these are abstract ideas. This portion shines, as you have clearly described your opinion that the family deserves to determine justice. Nicely done.
I look forward to reading more of your work. It is wonderful to see writers use their talents to spotlight social causes.
First Impressions:
You have made me reconsider what I call a "real" writer.
Flow/Content:
You have excellent examples to support the idea that rushing to publish can have negative consequences.
Favorite line/s: The need to write words on a page or computer screen is something that grows within us until we finally have to succumb.
Overall:
Thanks for showing how society's definition of "writer" has changed, and how it has not. As with many areas of life, the passion matters more than the technique.
Welcome to Writing.com! I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. If you have questions about the site or my review, please feel free to ask! I am always willing to re-rate after an edit.
First Impressions:
After a slow start, you've got me hooked! I am desperate to find this poor girl before she hurts herself. Good job making a realistic character!
Mechanics:
I understand you are still working on this, so you probably already know it is a bit choppy. I suggest using a spell checker, as most will also alert you to sentence fragments, tense discrepancies, and passive voice. It makes editing so much easier! I have used some of the edit points you so graciously inserted. I hope it gives you an idea of the common mistakes we all make.
Flow/Content:
You have set the background of the story carefully in the first three chapters, and now I think I see how some of the lines will intersect. Looking back, I see the clues you dropped concerning her mental state. Well done!
You portray human emotion well, and consistently show vs. tell when people are interacting with each other. I see facial expressions, touching, noise level, etc.
I would like to see more vivid descriptions of the settings; especially the bar. We all know what a bar looks like, but how is this one special? Since much of the action takes place there, it would be nice to know whether it resembles a high class lounge, a western saloon, or a homey diner.
Favorite line/s: She stood and watched this tall man as he hooked her precious car up to his truck to drive away with all her dreams.
Overall:
I like the community spirit you are painting here. Best of all, I am emotionally invested in your character, and that does not happen often. I would say it is actually the most important component of a great story. So keep writing Cass' story, and the rest will fall into place.
Welcome to Writing.com! I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. If you have questions about the site or my review, feel free to ask! Please remember these are only my opinions.
First Impressions:
This is a sweet story, with just a touch of melancholy.
Flow/Content:
I enjoyed ambling down to the special spot with the characters!
I have only minor suggestions.
"...past the giant weeping willow where we’d sit under and paint."
This lies at the end of a long sentence and it sounds awkward. The easiest fix is to delete the word "under".
The second description of the path seems repetitive. I think you could take out everything up to the following line and still maintain the flashback's integrity.
"She led me down the grassy hill...."
Favorite line/s: She always seemed to smell the same as a lily.
Overall:
I can see Lily and her garden clearly, and they are beautiful. Thanks for painting a secret nook with words, and may you paint many more special scenes!
I hope my honest review will be helpful to you, because the system will not allow me to revise it.
First Impressions:
Professional and homey at the same time. That's good writin'.
Flow/Content:
I like all the good tips you drop. I especially liked the sculpting/painting analogies, which fit well with the art of revision.
Nits:
On your next edit, consider a period after “…poetry emerges”, and a blank line to show a new paragraph.
Favorite line/s: He told me he had rewritten "Stopping By the Woods on a Snowy Evening" close to fifty times before he got it right.
Overall:
You've certainly persuaded me with your argument. It is well worth the effort to look at any criticism of your work as an opportunity, rather than as a slam. After reading this, I am not only determined to work harder at editing; but also, strangely enough, more confident that I can get it right…eventually. Thanks for the reminder.
Welcome to Writing.com! I hope my honest review will be helpful to you. If not, feel free to ask questions.
First Impressions:
There are some original supernatural elements here that make me want to continue reading.
Spelling/Grammar:
You have a wonderful grasp of the mechanics of language, and I noticed no glaring errors.
Flow/Content:
Your first chapter flows along nicely. I loved your description of Grandpa and his relationship with the girl.
The paragraph describing the land has some interesting anthropomorphism. I especially enjoyed:
Some ancient tribe had dammed the side waterway and the river’d been too lazy to get upset about it.
I like that you’ve described the entire area. However, it began to feel like a list, as six of the nine sentences begin with “the” and a noun. Perhaps mix the paragraph up for variety.
I’m also unsure if this is the correct place to insert information about an ownership dispute. It seems out of place when you are strictly describing the terrain. My suggestion is to describe the scenery as she is walking; then it would be appropriate to give the background knowledge from her perspective.
Other:
There are a few instances of repeated words, and I realize it is deliberate. The effect seems to break tension in the kind of passage one would normally build tension. I am unsure what your intent was, but I thought I'd mention it anyway.
Why?” she asked the silent trees. The silent trees remained silent.
Perhaps: "Why?" she asked the silent trees; but they remained mute.
Overall:
Please do not be discouraged by the rating. The plot contained in your opening chapter is complex, and I applaud your creativity and unique writing style. You have introduced the characters, given us a hint of racial tension--and a lot of supernatural mystery. All of the elements are present, and with a bit of tweaking they will fall together into an exciting story!
I would be happy to look at this chapter again after editing. Thank you for a completely original and intriguing story.
I hope my honest review will be helpful to you. Poetry is hard for me, so some suggestions may be based more on my feelings than your technique!
First Impressions:
When I find the answers to your questions we can party. I'll bring the prune juice.
Spelling/Grammar:
Your first question is in parentheses, so the other questions should probably also be contained. As a writer of prose I like to see more, rather than less, punctuation. As a reader of poetry, I'm probably in the minority on this!
Flow/Content:
Your poem flows logically, and your words are well chosen.
While the meaning of this line is clear,
The question and our mind altered
I did have to stop and think about it. It has no commas, so my brain turned the "and" into an "in". I know...don't you just love irony?
Favorite line/s: Midlife hits and we begin to mull
Time we’ve wasted over the years
Overall:
I really enjoyed this rhetorical rhyme. You showed how comforting it is to know that others are going through this, as well as the fear that our answers must be unique. I am finally going to answer that question: when I grow up, I want to be writer. Thanks for asking...and in such lovely style!
First Impressions:
I don't want to give anything away, but I will say that you wrote this so well that the ending surprised me!
Favorite line/s: This is what I do for a living, Natasha—I climb mountains!
Overall:
I loved your first line; great set up. You've written a highly entertaining piece of flash where every word counts. Thanks for showing how mountain climbing can be a form of therapy.
Flow/Content:
I get an advice column feel here. I like the way you segued from one senior moment to the next--it reminded me of my mother and how she would retrace her thoughts to find a memory. Except now I do it too!
I love the tone: it is homey and realistic; but I think some spots could be tighter. Some of your funniest lines might have more impact if you concentrate on 3 or 4 of your best examples and emphasize them. Just my opinion.
Favorite line/s: Take comfort in the fact that you are not alone.
Overall:
I've been trying to hold on to my cool, too. I guess it is time to let it go. Thanks for reminding me I'm getting old. Not! Write on!
First Impressions:
I have been searching for just such an overview of poetic devices.
Flow/Content:
I like that you put the definitions first, for easy reference. Further into the piece you have wonderful examples of the devices which are shown in red. Love the presentation.
Favorite line/s:
I loved all your poetry, but I will use the example of the term I was researching.
metonymy: the substitution of a word for one with which it is closely associated:
Scandals peep from every window,
Hide behind each hedge,
Waiting to pounce on the unwary,
As the White House cringes in dismay
Overall:
This is an excellent resource and overview for new poets. Thank you for a concise and thorough lesson in poetry forms.
In gratitude,
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The sentence fragments were perfect for this casual little talk among friends.
Keep writing! Flash fiction is hard, and you've made it look easy!
I'm glad I stumbled upon your story. I do not normally seek out erotica, but I enjoyed being a voyeur. You have a talent for this genre! 
