It is a nice poem,but a bit difficult to follow track of the thoughts,firstly because there seem to be multiple currents; secondly because you have chosen not to divide the long poem into stanzas /segments; thirdly because of the grammatical difficulty like:
It is a nice poem that seems to exhort others to think about the purpose of life, offering various situations, but cautioning against being despondent.
It is a beautiful poem, the type that probably only women can write!
Such as--
So I miss you most of the time,
but especially one time—
that’s every time I breathe.
Every time my heart beats,
it says your name aloud.
But it’s slowing down these days,
doesn’t want to beat so much.
Do you know why it is such?
Well believe me or not—
cuz it misses you a lot!
Nice poem with a novel idea. But I felt that the rendering of the thoughts in words did not make an immediate or clear impact. Maybe alteration in the phrasing of the statements might help, but that is easier said than done in case of rhyming poetry. And, it is the poet's sole discretion.
It is a nice story.You need to edit the language part.
******
This ship was crumbling to pieces because its crew lacked disciple. Last night attempt at mutiny proved it, how did they dare to send him to bed without dinner?
>> This ship was crumbling to pieces because its crew lacked discipline. Last night's attempt at mutiny proved it. How did they dare to send him to bed without dinner?
This is a beautiful poem written on the theme of eternal love, so profoundly described in the last stanza as follows--
Dust bound forms aged again,your lips on mine,so parched and pale.
A tender kiss, a struggled breath, in death you now exhale.
I will find you oh my dearest love, and again you will be mine.
We will drink of love's eternal kiss and embraces most devine.
Thanks for entering your poem in the "POETRY IN RHYME - RHYTHM CONTEST-winner" .
it is a beautiful sonnet. It immediately reminded me of the poem WOMAN by By Oliver Goldsmith (1728–1774)--
WHEN lovely woman stoops to folly,
And finds too late that men betray,
………………..
………………….
Thanks for entering your poem in the "POETRY IN RHYME - RHYTHM CONTEST-winner" .
It's a brand new style about which few would have heard. You have explained your style excellently in your entry mail. I suggest that you make a mention of it here also, as a footnote, since you have already chosen to allude to the speciaty of your format, saying that it is "one monster of a meter". Monster or not, you have chosen a meter and stuck to it AND IT FLOWS WELL.
It is a nice poem. And a biting but gentle sarcasm on the American mode of life / settlement,as indicated in the last two lines. Many would identify with your anguish about wanton destruction of nature--the cutting of treesand clearing of forests, simply to build --
"a big empty house
And this house must have carpet in it, lots of carpet
I need a humungous kitchen
I need 14 bathrooms"
It is a good poem with words full of gentle caution,not only for individuals but also for those who lead / attack nations or religions or cultures. Such attacks, born of greed as described by you, have decimated entire races in acts of vile genocide over vast continents, made slaves of humans born free and plundered the riches gathered by others after a life of toil.
This is a beautiful poem with a distinct lyrical quality imparted to it through your meticulous adherence to the rhyme and meter required of the Kyrielle form, which you have attempted very well. There is but one flaw.You have written it in tetrameter but the following line has 9 syllables--
Thanks for entering your poem in the "POETRY IN RHYME - RHYTHM CONTEST-winner" .
it is a nice poem. You should have mentioned the rhyme and syllabic scheme. You have used aabb rhyme and have apparently tried to keep 10 syllables a line, but there are many variations.
The proof of the pudding lies in its eating, not in the way it is made. That saying (said by me, of course) comes to my mind at once as I read your story. It is loveable, and novel, even with the small irritants in the nature of punctuational errors and those like the following--
a simple act of licking each others chops
>> other's
This is an extremely well written memoir that, though personal, is a good read in general and tells a lot about bereavement, the consequences and how to cope with them, especially when gender differences come in, as they do at every turn of life.
There are no mistakes. It is eminently readable, full of gentle emotions.
It is a beautiful sonnet. Rhyme is fine except that stone probably does not rhyme with sewn. There are no mistakes. Style and expression are very good.
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