--We are eulogising here leaves and their sagacity / scholarliness. Labelling them as cunning in the opening line does not really fit.
--The second stanza is specially nice--
With whimsy, In jest
They flutter along
While we struggle to hear
Their beautiful song
--Your poem, I feel, will look even more beautiful if you maintain throughout the 6-5-6-5 syllabic pattern, which already seems to be the dominant one.
This is a very well written account. You have certainly had a consistent and focussed journey.
I don't know why, but I have a feeling you might like to write a story / novella / novel based on re-incarnation as a theme. In this connection, you might like to view
Your writing is free of mistakes, which is the first pre-requisite for a writer. Your writing style has a distinct mark. . I was particularly impressed by the following:
.
--The more she fanned the flames of dormant curiosities, the more I began to see things with my heart and not my eyes.
--Two weeks after the funeral, I spotted the wife standing atop the stairs, looking down at me with a kind but forlorn face. It was only a moment, but seemed like an hour we stood eyeing each other in silence. She spoke naught, yet so much said with love in her eyes; she was worried about me, my grief. I too welled with emotion. My god, what if I’d lost her?
-- Carl Sagan once said something akin to: “one glance at a book and you’ll hear the voice of another person; to read is to voyage through time.”
I see this story as a symbolic protest against the concept of a non-loving, non-pardoning, punishing, over-powering lord demanding obedience from everybody, on the pain of death--the concept of god that one gets from the Book. After all, he created man, an innocent being and, like an innocent child, he tasted a fruit. The punishment was banishment from heaven!
If your story portrays symbolic protest against the Biblical image of god, it is a success.
This is not exactly a poem, though titled as one. In any case, the 26 tips for a happy marriage are well listed. The one that I particularly liked was--
"YESTERDAY'S argument is just that. Let it go with the past."
This is a nice poem about a woman in reverie of her lost love.The full meaning became clear only after I read a second time. There are no mistakes. The imagery is vivid and vocabulary is rich.
Thanks for entering your poem in the "FIVE STAR POETRY CONTEST:editor's choice" . It is not eligible as per contest rules. You need to follow Rule 2 of the contest for your entry to be eligible. Currently, your rating is not visible.
Rule-2 states:
2. It must have been rated. Rating must be 5, if single; at least 4.5, if multiple. The rating must be visible to me. [The item should allow rating without any restrictions. Choosing the option-‘This item requires review along with rating’ hides display of the rating received.]
In any case, I am offering you a review.
**
It is a nice poem.
The following needs comment:
Crying out with soundless words.
Trampled by thoughts ancient herds.
Tumbling in frigid isolation.
Void of lovers compensation.
Second line--Grammatically hazy. Maybe you meant "thoughts' ancient herds", referring to the surge of old memories.
Fourth line-- This is "A story of a friend's resurfaced childhood memory". This line does not fit. There is no question of lovers; nor of their compensation (to whom? Lovers compensate each other, not a third party). In any case, it ought to be lovers' compensation. [However, if you mean one person, maybe a parent, it ought to be --lover's. But, we never refer to a parent etc. as a lover!]
This is a wonderfully well written poem, in rhyme and meter, that describes the majestic march of seasons in a cyclic manner, using appropriate, rich and varied imagery.
What you have written represents an attempt to rationalise what is believed and spread by the theologists. But, should we try to rationalise every word of what is written in the Book, whether it be the Old Testament or the new one or the Quoran?
I understand that according to the Book, the Earth originated about 5500 years ago. Now, are we to believe that at that period of time, one day the fish, next day the fowl, then the beasts and finally man, and from his rib, the woman were created?
Why rationalise the irrational?
Why defend the indefensible?
It is a nice attempt. I suggest you pay a little more attention to writing correctly. Even poetry merits proper language.
************
This is just something i was thinking about cause my mind like to wander alot.
>> This is just something I was thinking about because my mind likes to wander a lot.
**
I look into it and seen visions of my daughters
>> see visions
**
Is this what to come or can I can change the outcome
>> Is this what is to come.......
I can sense that it is good poetry. At the same time, I can sense that I have not been able to fully understand it. I am not sure how much of that inability is attributable to my own comprehensional limitations and how much to your expressional ones.
You have used punctuation, but not properly. If punctuation is used, it must be used correctly, the period used at the end of a sentence. You have used it randomly, as clear from lines 3, 4, 5, 7, and 8.
The last line is rather vague. The meaning does not come out clearly.
This is a very good poem, told as a story, that conveys a good moral / lesson that is relevant for all times.There are no mistakes. The rhyme used is mostly abab. The meter is not consistent. It would add to the flow if constancy is maintained. This should not be difficult to do, without sacrificing other attributes of this nice poem.
EXAMPLE--
The syllabic counts in the first two stanzas are--
It has no mistakes, flows well and brings a smile.
The last remark refers to--
“But hon,” says I, “I’m scared to death.
T’was you who said I’ve ‘alf a brain.”
“Oh, hush my luv, and save your breath;
a ‘alf-wit, yes, but not insane.
"They’re slipp’ry pitchmen, thick as thieves;
it’s how Gitano’s ply their gigs.
Why, you can’t catch mad cow disease,
cuz doncha know that men are pigs?”
Thanks for entering your poem in the "FIVE STAR POETRY CONTEST:editor's choice" .
It is a nice poem, on a theme that is not often, so vividly at least, the subject of poetry. You have portrayed well the longing, the day dreaming, the angst, the frustration, the jealousy and the hatred --all at the same time.
It is a very good poem, basically. The thought behind it is great and the thought / idea have been beautifully and convincingly developed, maintaining the poetic flavour. It should have earned a higher score, but I am unable to be comfortable with the too many liberties you have taken here in the same genre as the following--
Stood alone against the elements, yet im destined to thrive,
>> I am destined......
I believe that good poetry is much more than a good idea or feeling. Proper language (grammar, spelling, punctuation etc.), rhyme and meter are almost certain to add beauty.
"God, I am doing such and such -- and I do not even want to stop -- and I confess NOT WANTING to stop AS SIN and look to you to forgive me and cleanse me of ALL unrighteousness." AND HE DOES --
*****
The thesis you seem to be propounding is too brazen. You seem to be suggesting that if a sinner wilfully continues in sin, and wants to continue as such, without any intention on his part to do otherwise, it is OK for him to do so, without let or hindrance, without fear of suffering the consequences, without facing retribution, as long he posts a letter to God informing Him that he is doing the act and does not want to stop doing the act, but adds, as a footnote, that God may kindly forgive him and make him righteous.
If what I have stated above is correct (I have simply paraphrased your quoted statement), it does not motivate me at all.
I would expect God to come to the rescue of a person who says something like this--
"God, I am doing such and such. I know it is a sin. I want to stop continuing to sin. But I am weak in the face of temptation. I am unable to help myself. Please forgive me for what I have done and please give me strength that I may not do so again. Please cleanse me of unrighteousness."
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