This review contains some of my brief thoughts about your book.
Hi Misty! As I told you, I printed it out, and I was finally able to read it. Great job in creating the interesting and exciting plot in the chapter entries you have so far.
The first entry seemed very suspenseful. I especially enjoyed the chase scene. The second entry told a different tale. It seemed to be a detective/mystery story.
I'm curious as to how the two entries tie together. You didn't offer your readers any clues. The first entry could have been a science fiction story, with talk of beasts and alpha-sires. The next entry almost seemed as though the setting took place in a totally different place or time.
Your readers will guess that one of the babies grew into a man in the second part, but there seems to be something missing. Will you explain more as the story goes on? If not, it might be a good area somewhere in the talk about Ryan's childhood in foster care to say which baby it was...Your readers know that one was hidden in a hallow log, and the other had been turned in by the hunter. You might explain which was which...
Is it your plan to keep jumping back and forth between the two time-lines?If not, perhaps you might add more closure to the first entry. Your readers are left wondering if Daniella's husband ever found any of his children, or what became of that. It was hinted in the second entry that Ryan had special abilities, but after that much of the story, your readers still aren't sure where the story is going. I think that more of a tease or hint about what's going on will encourage your reader's to read the future entries from that point. Right now, all they know is that he's a cop in an anger management class.
I realize that you don't want to give away too early on, but it's also great to spark a promise of the thrilling excitement yet to come...
I'm thinking that a short introduction before the story begins in the first entry would clear some things up... A man is determined to be a good cop, despite the fact that he has werewolf abilities. Little does he know that twenty-five years earlier he had been brought to a fire-house, rescued by a kind hunter...Then, you would begin the story.
You have an amazing story, I could picture this turning into a big hit, so I'd really like to see you polish it up.
Here are some other points to fix...Little things, such as typos...
I noticed that you already fixed some things and left some space between your paragraphs since I last printed out your story. This is great! It looks good, but I would still go back and break some of the longer paragraphs a bit more. Each new idea might be a different paragraph.
Also, Some of your sentences are still a bit long, while others could be combined. Here is an example of one which could be combined:
"They weren’t her business. Until she met Maggie."
The following seems very confusing, because it seems to be repeated, and very similar sentences. I think you can redo this part, by combining and eliminating lots of it...
"She marched on. It was still dark but still breaking dawn when she heard a russling sound. She tried to ignore it. Thinking it was just a childish imagination getting to her. She continued to mark until it had gotten louder but she ignored it; until it turned into a growling rumble. She thought it might have been just her stomache; since it was almost sun up and she or her babies had not eaten since dinner last night. She was surprised that they had been so quiet; she assumed that they were nuzzled asleep.
The sky was twilight gray, the dawn near breaking when she heard a rustling sound in the trees. She tried to ignore it, telling herself that this was the woods after all and was likely just an animal looking for nuts or berries or something in the snow to eat. The sound only got louder, still she ignored until she heard a low, growl rumbling in the bushes. She thought it might have been her stomach as she nor her children had eaten in hours. She was surprised at how quiet they had been, assuming they had fallen asleep."
"The hustle toward him and stretched her arm in the air." ('She hustled', rather than, 'the hustle'.)
"He raised his gu as she ran..." (gun)
"...pushing her out of the ward hard." (way)
Might sound better another way...
"She was soaked with blood and by the way her neck was turned, and the fact that she wasn’t breathing that she was dead."
I came across similar little things you might fix in the next chapter.
Here, I would change 'notice' to 'noticed'...
"He notice a small crease in the middle of her crystal light brown eyes..."
This line, "Mr. Savage to telephone calls during sessions.”, would read better as something like, "Mr. Savage, no calls are allowed during sessions."
"...this had only agitated him more than he already."...Could instead be, "...this had only agitated him more than he already was."
Here you wrote: "Surprisingly, Ryan found a close parking space and went toward the police tape the scrolled the crowd for Aaron, his partner." Maybe you might change that to, '...then scrolled the crowd for Aaron...'.
"I let you know when you get here! Where are you?” Might be, 'I'll let you know...'.
This is another example of a sentence which could be combined:
"The chief had a small quaint office with wall the color of pea soup. Something new the chief was trying out." Maybe you might write, 'The chief, who was always working on new ways to improve his small, quaint office, recently had it painted the color of pea soup'.
"Funny I thought you would be more hysterical about this. You are taking it will” ('well', rather than 'will')
This is an example of a sentence which is way too long:
" Angela was the icing on the cake, because as long as Lawrence had Angela, he could control Ryan, now Angela was obviously not playing by the rules, and although she was oblivious to Ryan’s double life, and since he could not get to her, she was in grave danger and there was nothing that he could do from a jail cell." I would break that up into two or three different sentences.
"He had nowhere to run to ad nowhere to hide." ('...nowhere to run, and nowhere to hide.')
I hope you'll fix these few tiny little things, so that your awesome story will flow smoothly without distractions. It's a great story, and it deserves the little attention to polish it up.