FIRST IMPRESSION: This is the first chapter of a fantasy story, dealing with magic, fairies, etc.
THOUGHTS: Thanks for posting your story on "Invalid Item" .
I felt that you wrote a pleasant and entertaining story! I particularly liked your character names. Maribelle is pretty, and I liked how your narrator called the one who enjoyed music, Melody.
FAVORITE PART: Great job on putting this story together. I liked your introduction. The first and second paragraphs provided a great hook, which made me want to read more. The story of how the narrator met his new friends was really intriguing.
The events that the narrator told about were really interesting, especially the one about the tiny demonic fairies. You displayed your creative ideas well.
"Our hearts pounded like my school's marching band's percussion section..." Your descriptions added to the excitement of the adventures well. Nice work there.
SUGGESTIONS: I would suggest going back through your story and changing some of the tenses. Decide which tense you want and stick with it. For example, in your first paragraph, You wrote, "Melody breaks down..." and "...closed their eyes." That's two different tenses. Later in the story you wrote, "Life was fine...we all enjoy our time together." ...And, "... I went to sleep, and then I dream." Your tenses have been consistently different throughout the entire story. Now that you have the draft written, the tenses should be easy to change.
I was wondering why Rhogar's name wasn't mentioned in the first introductory paragraph, since he's one of the main characters. You named several characters, but of them all, this should be one that would be listed.
In one part of your story, you wrote, "...chasing us and on our tails, literally in Melody's case." I really didn't get this. I thought Rhogar would have a tail because he was half dragon, not Melody.
In the paragraph about the nose bleed, you wrote, "...natural for her ask me..." Typo...I'm sure you meant to write, "natural for her to ask me.."
This sentence doesn't read well: "I can will, but it might take a little while..." Is this implying that the narrator's name is, Will, or is this just a typo?
I felt that the dream part of the story was very rushed. You have really great descriptions. I would break those three large paragraphs up into a few more, to add more drama and adventure to that dream episode. To make it seem less 'out of place', perhaps you might consider making a paragraph in between which goes back to 'real time' to keep your readers in the room during the narrator's dream. I did like the ending, which eluded to the fact that your readers will find out what that was all about when they read chapter two. Keep it going!