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1,693 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I give honest and friendly reviews. I try to be as helpful as I can.
Favorite Genres
Sci-fi, fantasy, adventure, comedy
Favorite Item Types
short stories, poems, activities, images
I will not review...
I will review up to 18 content ratings.
Public Reviews
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101
101
Review by Maryann
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
FIRST IMPRESSION: This is the tale about a girl and her 'fish story'.

THOUGHTS: What an amazing tale! I was attracted to your story because I had fish as a teen. I remember that I cried so much when my angel fish died. My friends thought that was weird, but I had that fish since it was a little baby, and it grew so huge over the years. I felt badly when it passed away. I could certainly understand how you felt about Slim Shady. *Smile*

FAVORITE PART: I enjoyed the great story about how sweet your dad was to surprise you on Valentine's Day. When my daughter's were growing up, my husband always took all of us out to dinner and a movie for Valentine's Day. It was usually an Adam Sandler show! ...So, I liked hearing your story about you and your dad.

You wrote this story well. You succeeded in expressing the excitement that an eleven year old would feel as she anticipated what her surprise was during the drive home from school.

Wow! What a terrible experience it must have been to find that one fish all but ate the other! ...And, ironic that the namesake's real life people were having a feud in real life!

I had to chuckle at how your dad found humor in the situation, by making a Hannibal Lector reference!

SUGGESTIONS: Here you wrote: "He was a great pet alongside Woo." Who was, 'Woo'? You didn't mention this, Woo, in your story? I think another line is needed to explain...

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102
102
Review by Maryann
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
FIRST IMPRESSION: This is a true story about a a boy who was born in 1908, and one of his schoolhouse experiences.

THOUGHTS: LOL *Laugh* You crack me up, Lisa!! I absolutely LOVED this story!! ...And, I think Granny is my new idol!

You are a master story teller! I didn't even know these people in the true story which you wrote, but I was captivated in hearing the tale. Did you write any more stories about Granny and your grandfather? I would love to hear them...

FAVORITE PART: Have to love Granny...This is my favorite line of your great story: "At that point Granny, who was wearing a long ankle legnth skirt and apron and of course a bonnet; pulled from beneath her skirt a shot gun and shoved it right up to the teachers chest." That was so funny to read! I didn't see that coming!

I have been doing research to find out about my ancestors. Unfortunately, it's not easy because the one's who I'm trying to find out about, are from Ireland. I enjoyed hearing about your family from the past. How interesting it must have been to live here in America all those years ago...Before there were all these cars and people about...

You did a great job in telling this story. Keep writing the tales! *Thumbsup*

SUGGESTIONS: As I mentioned, I sincerely enjoyed this story. I came across just a small handful of little typos, which you can very easily fix...

Here, you wrote: "One time little George was in school and the teacher ask him where his tablet was..." I would change that to, ...the teacher asked...

A few of your lines need to be edited and connected together. ...As in this example:

"One time little George was in school and the teacher ask him where his tablet was,



and George replied that he didn't have one; therefore, the teacher took out a large wooden paddle and proceeded to beat young George."


Do you see all of the space right in the middle of the sentence? That should be brought together.

In this sentence: ""Now if ye ever lay a finger on that there youngin agin I'll blow a whole right through ye." Whole, should be, hole...

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103
103
Review of My Family of Cats  
Review by Maryann
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
FIRST IMPRESSION: This is a poem about one owner's experience with her lovely cat family.

THOUGHTS: What a sweet poem! I'm sorry to say that I can't find one thing in your poem that I would change! I guess that's a good thing, but I think it's so purrrrrfect just the way it is! *Wink*

I love the cat emotionicons in the beginning. In fact, I would take out the flowers in the middle, and add some more of those *Cat**Cat2* instead!

You're cats must be so pretty...I loved the descriptions that you wrote in through pretty and poetic words. Cats with emerald green eyes are so beautiful! Is the cat in the cover image your cat? You might think about adding a picture at the bottom of your poem!

It was so sad to read that this was in memory of Mingo. Which one was Mingo, by the way? Was that the kitty mama? I've lost many pets throughout my life. It never ever gets any easier. You summed it up well in your last line: "They are so very special to me." ...As they are to us all. *Heart*

FAVORITE PART: You succeeded in expressing the love and tenderness that you show for your beloved pets.

I liked how you began the story poem with, 'Once upon a time'. It gave the tale a start, from the life with a kitten, to the life with a grown cat who had kitten's of her own.

My favorite part was when you wrote that she commands you to pet her! My dog does that! LOL I couldn't help but chuckle at that part because I could certainly picture that. Nice work with putting this one together. It was a pleasure to read. *Smile*

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104
104
Review by Maryann
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
FIRST IMPRESSION: This is a travel journal written from the point of view of a cat. *Cat*

THOUGHTS: I enjoyed reading your travel journal! I also wrote a travel article about Australia, so I was very interested in reading yours.

I loved that song, and the talk about the penguins the best! Nice work in putting this book together. *Smile*

FAVORITE PART: With the exception a just a few small typos, I found this journal to be well written.

I especially enjoyed reading the Aborigine tales, and the Kookaburra song. I think Kookaburra's are one of my favorite zoo animals, and I always make sure I look for them where ever I go. The last zoo that I went to with my daughter, she pulled up a youtube video on her phone of a kookaburra 'talking'. That made the kookaburra we were standing in front of also join in! LOL

I liked how you went through different thoughts and different areas of Australia by breaking up the article into various days. I felt that you told a lot about Australia that way. I've only been to Melborne, Sydney, and the surrounding area. It was nice to read about the capital and the trivia, too.

SUGGESTIONS: In this review, I'm talking about your one book entry, but I'll also talk a little about the book heading.

In the heading, you wrote: "This is my journal of my travels iwht the CLAW Feline Global Village." You can see that you have a typo in the word, with.

Here you wrote: "Later that evening we visited Prince Buddee, the Duchess Pinkie and the lads, who are D*gs." Did you mean to write, dogs?

I was pretty confused as to why the cat was writing the article. I didn't really catch on until the end of the long entry, when you mentioned that you are a pure breed cat. That explains why you kept mentioning 'mewmie'. I didn't understand what that meant while reading. ...And I didn't know what 'CLAW Feline Global Village' was.

I think you should give a little introduction in the book heading which explains those cat references. I think I would have enjoyed the humor more, had I known from the beginning that it was a cat's point of view.

I would have understood that it was a cat writing. You might also consider putting an image of a cat in the heading. *Smile*


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105
105
Review by Maryann
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
FIRST IMPRESSION: This is a poetry contest which give the writer lots of options.

THOUGHTS:Hi Lexi! *Smile* I had to smile at seeing the date that this item had been created! ...June 6th, 2003!! We're coming up to it's 11th WDC anniversary! It always makes me happy to see items which have been here for such a long time! (You and I actually became members here one month apart from each other!)

Congratulations on having four awards on this item! Obviously, you're doing something right here!

FAVORITE PART: I love the very easy to follow instructions: Pick a title, create a poem. It's so nice that you give your viewers so many titles to choose from.

The rules are also clear and simple to follow.

I really like that your heading isn't cluttered. I think it makes the visitors want to read it, rather than clicking away from it.

SUGGESTIONS: This item has been working for so very many years. I think I'll have to say, "If it's not broken, don't fix it!"

I wondered why you have a note at the bottom, which says that you're interested in getting a new header. We've had that background change so long ago, and it looks like you did get a new header. Maybe it's time to take that note off?

I love the green image, by the way. I think, if you ever feel like giving your item a new look, you might change the font to 'green', and maybe play with centering and size here and there. Remember the days when we had no size choice! *Bigsmile*

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106
106
Review by Maryann
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
FIRST IMPRESSION: This is an ode to an all-time favorite toy.

THOUGHTS: LOL I really loved this poem about the good old slinky. I don't think there's anyone anywhere who hasn't heard of the slinky toy. You did this classic item justice, by dedicating a great tribute to it. *Delight*

FAVORITE PART: I thought your poem had a really nice 'fun' tone to it. I truly enjoyed every minute. That slinky had a great adventure, indeed!

What I think impressed me the most, is that you told an entire story in your poem. You brought your readers from inside the toy store, then outside the toy store, then out on an adventure! Nice work!

My absolute favorite part, were the 'tour' of the toy store. I could imagine shelves filled with great favorites like Barbie and Ken!

SUGGESTIONS: I liked the fact that you ended the poem in a similar way to how it began. However, your first line described it as a 'red, green, and yellow slinky', and at the end you referred to it as the ' red and yellow slinky'. The difference made it seem as though it weren't the same one, or that something happened to it to change the color.

Here you wrote: "One winter's night as the clock struck four,/A window shatter, scattering glass on the floor." I think it might read better as: One winter's night as the clock struck four,/A window shattered, scattering glass on the floor.

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107
107
Review of God is good  
Review by Maryann
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
FIRST IMPRESSION: This is one person's expression of love for God.

THOUGHTS: Hi, Becky, and welcome to WDC. I hope you'll have lots of fun here on our wonderful site.

I could feel the strength and the confidence which you expressed in your sweet poem. Nice work in spreading the love. *Smile*

FAVORITE PART: I liked how you repeated, 'God is good', here and there in your nice poem. I thought it stressed the fact.

I also liked how you presented this poem in single lines, and how you left space in between. It gave you nice poem an airy feel, and made it pleasurable to read.

SUGGESTIONS: Ooops! You need to capitalize 'God' in your brief description.

You have awesome thoughts in your amazing poem. I did come across just a few tiny little things which you might consider changing...

Here you wrote: "Good is kind,/Good is love,/God is peace of mind," I'm sure you meant to write 'God' in the first two lines, rather than 'good'.

In this line, you have: "God loves us unconditional" I would suggest changing 'unconditional' to 'unconditionally'.

In this one, you wrote: "It like mountains on high" I would change the word, it, to the word, it's.

...And also in this similar case: "He never stop loving us," Stop, could be changed to stop's.

Nice work with putting these great thoughts together! *Angel*

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108
108
Review by Maryann
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
FIRST IMPRESSION: This is some information and a photo of a rare wild cat.

THOUGHTS: Oh my gosh! What a beautiful cat! It looked like you were standing right over her! I loved what you wrote, too! I love how furry she looks. I've been to lots of zoos, and I will never tire of seeing these types of rare animals.

I remember that I saw a black leopard at a zoo in Belize. I felt good that the Belize zoo had been taken such great care of the animals, who had originally been left behind after the filming of a movie.

FAVORITE PART: I liked how you were able to show a nice picture and also how you gave a bunch of great information along with it.

I learned a lot from your item. I didn't realize that snow leopards were rare.

SUGGESTIONS: I would have liked more details about this beautiful Snow Leopard. You mentioned, for example, that they are difficult to locate and see these days. Was this at an animal rescue in Darjeeling, India? You mentioned that these cats need protection from human predators, but you didn't tell us what humans are doing to them.

Most of all, I wondered how old the cat which you told about was. You said it was a cub. If I had to take a guess, I would say about three months?

I do think this cat is so pretty. Is there a way to fix the fuzziness of the photo of her? I'm not too good with techy stuff, myself! LOL

I enjoyed this visit to your item!

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109
109
Review by Maryann
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
FIRST IMPRESSION: This is a comical poem about a person who is harassed by seagulls while at the beach.

THOUGHTS: LOL Your story poem could actually be a true story! I could certainly imagine this happening in real life! Those seagulls and smart and they're a very determined species!

I recall one time when I went with my husband on his business trip to Australia. While he was at the office, I went to visit the aquarium. After a while, I decided to sit outside at one of the cafe tables, to enjoy some french fries. I put them down and then I put my bags and things on the chair next to me. While I was doing that, a bold bird landed on the table to grab some of my fries. The people in the crowed cafe all laughed at the American who was telling the bird, "Hey! Those are my french fries!" {ae:laugh}

FAVORITE PART: You told this story well. I loved your descriptions. I could imagine being right there with the narrator of the poem.

I loved how you built up the action in the poem with each line. ...One bird, then more, then even more! It was funny to read about their determination about finding the right moment to grab those cheese puffs!

I did feel badly for the character who fell in the sand, and was 'mugged' by the bad birdies! You did a nice job with this funny poem.

SUGGESTIONS: I liked this whole poem the way it is. The cover image adds to the fun. I would also add an image on the inside or some emotionicons like this: *Bird*

** Image ID #1919873 Unavailable **


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110
110
Review of Mousie  
Review by Maryann
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
FIRST IMPRESSION: This is a cute poem, which a little mouse befriends a person. The two carry out plans and schemes together.

THOUGHTS: LOL What a funny poem! You wrote a cute one here! Many people have had a pet mouse, but the narrator of this poem came across his pet in a very unique way.

I laughed at how, in the end, the two became diabolical partners in revengeful justice!

FAVORITE PART: I loved the sweetness of your story poem. Here, we have a person who had been pestered by a stubborn mouse. After a long while, it seemed the two found a way of living together. In fact, the narrator decided to put the little mouse to work! *Laugh*

You had some really great and creative ideas in your poem for the mouse.

I loved the rhyme of your poem. It added to the fun experience of reading it. It was so 'Dr. Seuss'! Nice work in putting this one together.

My favorite part was here: "I taught her all about it/She liked cheese in a can./I wasn't being thoughtful;/Instead, I hatched a plan." I remembered that cheese in a can! I haven't seen that in years. I'll certainly think of you and your poem the next time that I come across that!

SUGGESTIONS: I think I enjoyed this poem just the way it was. I wouldn't change anything, really. ..But, why not spice it up with a bit of color, centering, and maybe an image or emotionicon? You might, for example, add something like this: *Carg*

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111
111
Review by Maryann
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
FIRST IMPRESSION: This is an inspirational poem about the way a person felt after seeing the sunshine.

THOUGHTS: Hi and welcome to WDC! I hope you'll have a lot of fun here!

I enjoyed your poem about the sun. Sun can, indeed, be a great medicine!

FAVORITE PART:I loved the descriptions you wrote in this sun shiny poem. It really made me imagine the scene, where the sun was pouring in through the windows.

I thought you did a nice job with the flow of the story behind the poem. The narrator began by speaking about the sun. He then went on to mention thoughts that the person was having, and then spoke about how the sun brought about great feelings.

Your poem looked airy and easy to read. I liked the fact that you used centering and color to enhance the look. Great job!

SUGGESTIONS: I felt that your lines about picking fights and hate seemed very random and out of place in your poem. You wrote, "I wondered how I was hesitant to pick fights." I had the impression that this poem made the narrator feel good. The tone seemed upbeat and inspirational. How is it that he was thinking about picking fights. Perhaps it might read better to add one more line about how he felt that way before the sun came through the window.

I found it very difficult to see your yellow font. While I love the way you added color here and there, I really don't think the yellow works well in your poem.

I would suggest that you also make those yellow words in bold or a larger size. Or, you might simply make them in orange.

I would also add in a few emotionicons, such as a {e:sun} *Sun* or two. You could also use *Rainbowl**Rainbowr*. *Smile*

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112
112
Review of No! No! Elmer!  
Review by Maryann
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
FIRST IMPRESSION: This is a sweet tribute to a beloved pet cat named Elmer.

THOUGHTS: Aw, the punchline at the end was so sad!! I could feel the love and adoration which you and your son felt for this cat. I was smiling through the whole tale. Then, at the end of your story, you said that you will miss him! I immediately became teary eyed. I suffered a few times from the loss of beloved pets. As one pet owner to another, I can understand the stabbing pain.

FAVORITE PART: My favorite part was when you reminisced about the time when Elmer had fun while rolling around in the mess of frozen peas, which had been scattered on the floor! You did a really nice job of describing the scene! I had no trouble at all in imagining what that was like! LOL It's funny how cats could have a million toys of their own, yet they can't resist playing with things like frozen peas or a declarative plant! My daughter has two cats. One of them loves her hair ties! She could never find them. One day, she moved her dresser to get something, and what did she discover? ...A huge pile of hidden hair ties! LOL

SUGGESTIONS: Do you have a picture of Elmer? It would top off the great tribute by showing your readers what he looked like. You might consider adding a photo at the bottom of your touching story.

One more tiny suggestion...I would stick in a comma here and there, as in this example: "Unlike humans he never lost his sense of fun."
Unlike humans, he never lost his sense of fun.

...And I would change the comma placement here, and there are two 'outs': "So I always had to watch out out because, he would pounce on my clean laundry."
So I always had to watch out, because he would pounce on my clean laundry.

** Image ID #1919873 Unavailable **


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113
113
Review of The Sun Laughed  
Review by Maryann
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
FIRST IMPRESSION: This is a story which includes theories about life on other planets.

THOUGHTS:Hi, and welcome to Writing.com! I hope you'll have lots of fun here! *Smile*

I really enjoyed your story. It gave intriguing ideas about how life could exist on other worlds, and how the people of Earth might be looking for it in the wrong places.

FAVORITE PART: I loved your opening of this story! This is my favorite line: "It laughed at all of the little people buzzing around through their little counties in their little homes on their little planet." That's a pretty good, 'hook', and it made me smile just to read it! *Bigsmile*

I also liked how you brought good closure to your story by making it end in a similar way to how it began. Nice work! *Smile*

I thought it was really creative of you to suggest the 'Hanalaadar', and other people...As you did here: They missed the planet only two solar systems away that held a people called the Hanalaadar who lived purely on the radiation from their sun... Without the genres listed, I had no idea what your story was about. I thought that maybe it was a comedy. I was pleasantly surprised to read the sci fi twist to your story.

SUGGESTIONS:Your great story would be presented better if you divided up the sentences into different paragraphs. Right now, it looks like on large block. I would suggest separating the paragraphs which you might make, to give an airy and reader friendly feeling to your story.

Right now, you have the genres listed as, 'other'. You've completed the story, so perhaps when you go back to polish it up, you might explore more of the editing options, such as the genres.

This sentence would read better with a comma after the word, sun. "Above the sun laughed."

I found a typo in this sentence: "It had seen hem spread and grown..." It should, of course, be: It had seen them spread and grown...

** Image ID #1919873 Unavailable **


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114
114
Review by Maryann
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
FIRST IMPRESSION: This is a story about one workers experiences at a haunted historical home.

THOUGHTS: What an amazing story you have here! Gosh, weren't you afraid to be alone in a haunted place? I would imagine it might be very scary...At least in the beginning...Though you seemed to have adjusted well enough to feel comfortable with taking pictures!

FAVORITE PART: I'm so glad that I came across your story! I felt that you wrote it in a very interesting way.

I was very impressed with the amount of intelligent facts which you included in your story. Gosh, Einstein was so remarkable. The theories which he came up with are still admired today.

I was also impressed with the theories which you came up with yourself. ...Your fifth dimension development seems as awesome as some of Einstein's very own! Maybe you might write more about it in another item sometime.

SUGGESTIONS: When you get an upgraded membership here, you'll have to edit in an image or two! I'd love to see some of the pictures you took, and I'm sure your other readers will as well!

I would suggest that you go back in and edit a little bit, to connect some of your sentences. A few look like this:

"For hundreds of years physicists have worked in the great shadow of Sir Isaac Newton. He gave us a three dimensional universe that was

machine-like and worked with a mathematical clock-like precision. Then came Einstein. He made it clear that there was another dimension that had to be factored into the cosmic mix. He preferred to call this dimension the Space/Time Continuum. Others just called it the

Fourth Dimension."


Sorry for the copy/paste, but I thought that the best way to explain it would be for you to see it.

I really loved your last line. It was a great way to end it. The punctuation is wrong, though: "May the force be with us,"

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115
115
Review by Maryann
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This review is part of your *Nuclear* Nuclear Package *Nuclear* from "Invalid Item.

FIRST IMPRESSION: This is one chapter from a Twilight Fan Fiction story, told from Bella's point of view.

THOUGHTS:What a very exciting chapter! I loved all of the Twilight books and movies! I was glad to come across this one.

Gosh, you did such a great job with the more intense and violent scenes in your story! You had me so captivated, as I know all of your readers will be! *Thumbsup*

FAVORITE PART: The story flowed so effortlessly. I loved this line the absolute best: "He was an abusive, foul, sorry excuse for a human being who had an ego the size of Antarctica." LOL That was a very creative description of his ego! *Laugh*

I thought you did a great job with your suspenseful ending! Gosh! Your readers are going to want to know what happened to Bella!

I thought it was a nice touch that you wrote this in Bella's point of view. It was like reading a diary entry from her...

SUGGESTIONS: You are a very talented writer. I did, however, come across a few tiny typos and such. I'll go over a few of them here.

In this sentence you have: "I, however, had no choice in the matter even though I desperately wish I did." I think it might read better as: I, however, had no choice in the matter even though I desperately wished I did.

In this one, you wrote: "I could hear his footsteps get closer..." I would suggest changing that to, I could hear his footsteps getting closer...

This one didn't read right to me: "The door rattled as he tried to open the door." I would change that to, The door rattled as he tried to open it.

In this one, you have: "It sounded like he was walking away, but by the sounds of his footsteps I could tell when he turned around."
I think it might sound better as: It sounded like he was walking away, but by the sounds of his footsteps I could tell that he turned around.

In this one: "Before my whole body landed, I heard my leg snap and knew this time was going to really hurt me." I would change it to something like, Before my whole body landed, I heard my leg snap and knew this time he was going to really hurt me.

The following sentence is way too long. I would add a comma or two, or break it up. I also noticed a few other areas in your story that might have benefited by the use of commas.
"Of course it was true, but I've known it for so many years that I should be able that to hear it without the all too familiar pain in my heart, but of course he wouldn't just stop there."
Maybe you might change that one to something like: Of course it was true, though I've known it for so many years, I should be able to hear it without the all too familiar pain in my heart. Of course, he wouldn't just stop there.

Here is one more example which might benefit from a comma: "I was alone but I wasn't weak and I would not die as a weak person."
I would change it to...I was alone but I wasn't weak, and I would not die as a weak person.

This doesn't read too well: "My voice was oddly calm and as the last word came out of my mouth." It might read better as: My voice was oddly calm, as the last word came out of my mouth.

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116
116
Review by Maryann
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
FIRST IMPRESSION: This is a supernatural story about teens who are only just finding out their good verses evil paths which will follow.

THOUGHTS:First of all, I'd like to say, Welcome to Writing.com! I hope you'll have lots of fun here!

I loved your story! I had read the James Patterson 'Angel Experiment' novels not too long ago. Your story had that same great good verses evil feel to it...With the teens unsure of what's going on with them. I hope you'll polish this one up, and continue writing. I think you have a great idea here!

FAVORITE PART: I liked the intrigue of your story, as well as the suspense of what was hinted at in the chapter.

I felt that this first chapter of yours will leave your readers interested in finding out what will happen next. I know that I wanted to find out more about these kids who just found out that some are labeled, 'Heaven', while others are labeled, 'Hell'.

SUGGESTIONS: While you did a good job of keeping track of the eleven kids...Giving them names and a small bit about them...I felt that your story was lacking more. We didn't get a glimpse as to why these kids were all assembled together. Did they live together in an orphanage, but were then adopted? Were they 'experiments' at a lab?

You have it said that they are all brother's and sister's, yet, they all seem to already have parents and families of their own. How did they learn about each other enough to knock on the one families door to all meet there? There seemed to be a lot of 'holes' in your story which you could very easily go back to fix. This will be a fantastic story with a tiny bit of editing work. *Smile*

Congratulations on your usage of WDC ML! Not too many new members attempt to use such ML as {size:3}, etc....You will have to, however, go back to edit it a bit. You left at least one link open. You will see that when you look at your item.

I'm not sure if you were trying to give the impression that your narrator speaks with lots of slang, but I found it odd that the entire chapter was like that. You might add in some narration about what is going on in the chapter, with better language.

Here are a few examples...

"I just didn’t know about anythin."

"As far as I know im fourteen and ive never knew this."

"It was raining loads more like chuckin it down..."

There are many more sentences which are missing things like, 'ing' at the end of words.

In this sentence you wrote: "I’ve came up here to get away from the noice..." You might change that to, "I came up here to get away from the noise.

I found a few of your sentences to be far too long. I would break some of them up into two or even three sentences.

Here is one example: "Then the adults came in and told us that we were all brothers and sisters, that there was another one of us (Jake), that 5 of us were born 9 months before the other 6 (and told us who was when) and told us that we are supernatural or sumthin cuz the older 5 were of the angels and the others were of the demons, they then stuck 10 pieces of paper on the door (all the same) and ran out of the room."

I'm not sure how you might want to break it up, but I would suggest something like this...

Then the adults came in and told us that we were all brothers and sisters, and that there was another one of us named Jake. They went on to say that five of us were born nine months before the other six. They gave us the names of those six, and told us that we are all supernatural, or some equivalent. Apparently, the older five were of the angels, and the others were of the demons. Mysteriously, the adults then stuck 10 similar pieces of paper on the door, and ran out of the room.

The last thing which I'd like to mention is your brief introduction. You have, "11 kids. 5 of the heavens. 6 of Hell. None of us knew until now. And EVERYTHINGS CHANGING!"

I think you might make that a bit nicer. How about something like, "There are eleven of us - Five teens of the Heavens, and Six teens of Hell." I think that might be enough to attract interest, yet not give so much of the story away. That's what the first introductory chapter would be for! *Smile*

Enjoy your story! You have a very creative idea!

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Review of Winter Crimson  
Review by Maryann
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This review is part of your *Dropb* Hydro Package *Dropb* from "Invalid Item.

FIRST IMPRESSION: This is a small story, about a person's experience while enjoying a sunset on the beach.

THOUGHTS: What a beautiful story! It's about to rain here, so it was especially nice to be taken away for a while in your beach story. I liked how you ended it, with the narrator keeping the 'portrait' in her box of memories. Nice work!

FAVORITE PART: I like how you put the required contest words in color. It was easy to see, and I was impressed at how smoothly you incorporated them into the story.

You have a nice use of descriptions. The opening was especially pretty. My husband and I love to watch sunsets on the beach. The last time we saw that was from an outdoor dining table at a Mexican restaurant. You brought all of it back with your nice story setting.

I found the rest of your colorful descriptions just as pretty. I will think of you and your personal rainbow the next time when I'm on a beach! Thanks for giving me the opportunity to read such a memorable story! *Smile*

SUGGESTIONS:Here are a few things which I thought you might like to consider polishing up...

I had no idea what this story was about. Your brief introduction should give a small hint. I would take out what you wrote about the contest there, and add that to the bottom of your story instead.

Also, all you have in 'genres' is 'contest entry'. I would choose two more to edit in.

Here you wrote, "The unusually cold air did not bother me as I sat upon the sand dunes." Why didn't the cold bother her? Is she a vampire? What was she wearing? I would change it to something like, The unusually cold air did not bother me through my comfy sweatshirt, as I sat upon the sand dunes.

I don't really like to read action coming before the thoughts, as in these examples...
"Scooping up a large handful of sand..."
or
"Wiping the sand away I knew then that..."

For the first example, I would change it to something like, I allowed a large handful of sand to slip playfully between my fingers, as I held it up to the enchanted sky.

That same sentence, by the way, is entirely too long. You have, "Scooping up a large handful of sand, I held it up to the sky staring as it slipped between my fingers, falling to the ground beneath or scattered by the wind, cast in the deep shadows and brilliant highlights of scarlet." Whatever you decide to do with it, I would let your beautiful words be enjoyed in two or three sentences instead of just the one.

Maybe you might write something like, I allowed a large handful of sand to slip playfully between my fingers, as I held it up to the enchanted sky. Most grains fell gracefully to the ground, with the discipline of their hourglass cousins. Others danced on the wind, creating deep shadows and highlights of scarlet.

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Review of Halloween Meeting  
Review by Maryann
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is part of your *Dropb* Hydro Package *Dropb* from "Invalid Item.

FIRST IMPRESSION: This is a story about one girl's experiences with summoning a dead relative near the Somme River on the night of El Dia de los Muertos...The Day of the Dead.

THOUGHTS: I loved your story. When I began to read it, I immediately thought of the time I went to a fair in the town of Tepozlan. It was so much fun to see the many costumes, and the people all celebrating. My husband and I had gone there with a field trip while we were studying Spanish in Cuernavaca. I'm glad I clicked on your item, which allowed me to rekindle the memory!

FAVORITE PART: I loved your well-written story. I especially loved the humor you gave to the Red Baron. He humored the girl because he thought it was, 'better than the grave'. *Smile*

You did a great job with the sequence of the events in the story. The girl's distant relative and her hit it off right from the start, and they both looked forward to meeting like that every year. What a sweet and unique story! This was a creative idea, and I'm glad that I had a chance to read it. *Smile*

SUGGESTIONS: In your first paragraph, you wrote, "She's been fascinated with his life as a world war one legend..." I think this paragraph would sound better with one sentence before it, or a small change to that sentence, to give a hint as to who she hopes to meet. For example, she might write something like, "She been fascinated with the life of her Great Uncle as a world..."

We never learned the name of the girl! I think a great place to add that could be right in the very beginning. For example, here you wrote: "Tonight is my only chance she thinks... You might write, 'Tonight is my only chance, Jasmine thinks...' Giving a name, will eliminate so many of the word 'she' in your story. You would be able to alternate instead.

Here you wrote: "Dropping to her knees alittle..." 'Alittle' needs to be two words - 'a little'.

One more thought...I would totally change your brief introduction, now that the contest is over. It would be perfectly fine to include that line at the bottom of your story, but I think your potential readers might prefer to have a hint as to what your great story is about. Maybe you might instead write something like, A 'Day of the Dead' experience...

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Review of Bob the Bobber  
Review by Maryann
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
FIRST IMPRESSION: This is a children's story, written with the idea of a picture book in mind.

THOUGHTS: First of all, I'd like to say, WELCOME TO WRITING.COM!! *Delight*

What a fun idea to write a children's picture book. I enjoyed reading it, and I'm impressed that you made one. I've been meaning to put one together, but I never got around to it. Yours is simple and cute. I think any child would love it and maybe it could be their favorite book!

FAVORITE PART: I loved the way you began your story, and ended it the same way that it began.

We followed the adventures which Bob had when he decided to swim away from home. What interesting experiences you thought up for him to have!

This is a sweet story, and it had a happy ending. Nice work in putting this one together.

SUGGESTIONS: I noticed just a few typos and words which might sound a bit better. I think that if you fix this adorable story, it would give it the polish it really deserves.

Here are my suggestions...You wrote towards the beginning, "Fist saw Bob was sad and wanted to help." Of course you meant to write, 'Fish', instead of Fist. It might also read better to write, 'and he wanted to help'.

You are missing punctuation in some places. In this sentence, "This is the deep water" Fish told Bob., I would put a comma after water.

In this sentence, "Bob was smacked into the rock shoreline..." I think it might read better as, 'Bob was smacked into the rocky shoreline...'.

Here you wrote, "Fish saw that Bob was sad adn wanted to help." Just a little typo...'and'.

I was wondering why you wrote this for your dad? Perhaps since you already mentioned something about that, you might add another line with more explanation.

*Idea*Someday, if you get a paid membership here, you might enjoy adding images throughout your story. It would really pop with colorful pictures. There are many 'shops' on our site where you can get some with gift points.

In the meantime, you might add in some great emotionicons. I realize you're new here, but they really aren't too hard to do. Here are a few examples...

{e:beach} = *Beach*
{e:bird} = *Bird*
{e:duck} = *Duck*
{e:monster2} = *Monster2*
{e:monster3} = *Monster3*
{e:monster10} = *Monster10*
{e:boat2} = *Boat2*
{e:boat} = *Boat*

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Review of It's Too Late  
Review by Maryann
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
** Image ID #1919873 Unavailable **


*Books1* A longer item review for the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group May Raid *Books2*


FIRST IMPRESSION: This is a sort of detective type story with a Sci-Fi twist.

THOUGHTS: Great story here! I was glad I clicked on it because it was fun to read. I love these 'end of world' scenarios, and this one wasn't disappointing at all!

You must have done some research on black holes, because the tech talk made sense and gave your story a very smooth flow. You explained it all well, so I didn't have to stumble over any words in order to stop and think.

FAVORITE PART: I loved your opening hook. After reading your introductory first paragraph descriptions, I had a great understanding of the characters involved.

Your great descriptions to follow gave a realness to your story. I especially felt as though I could imagine what it was like to be in that room while the detective moved his papers aside and shut off the recorder. I liked that you took your time with the story, rather than rush it. *Thumbsup*

I thought you did a nice job with the 'tech talk' in your story. Your readers will understand how involved Kevin is with Black Holes and colliding protons.

I loved the way you ended this captivating story! It came right back to the title, and hit me like an explosion! ...Or, would that be like a black hole! *Bigsmile*
Nice work with this one!

SUGGESTIONS:You wrote in the paragraph where Osborn had been explaining the accusations, "And after what happened at the Crow’s Nest..." Your readers are only just getting to know this story, and it almost sounded confusingly as though it belonged in the part about the neighbors. (E rating, Jim?) I would make a slight change to something like, 'And then you went to The Crow's Nest'.

WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  [E]
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121
Review of Lucy, Sweet Lucy  
Review by Maryann
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is part of your *Sun* Solar Package *Sun* from "Invalid Item.

FIRST IMPRESSION: This is a horror poem about a very bad (Dare I say, 'insane'?) little girl.

THOUGHTS:Oh what a chilling poem! You succeeded in giving your readers an intense glimpse of what goes on in the mind of this evil child named Lucy! Great work with your creativity.

FAVORITE PART: I liked how you made Lucy sound like a typical little girl, and you also added the ways of her darker side.

I enjoyed the great rhyme in your poem. I felt that it added to the fun and mischief of the evil child. Gosh, I think any mom would be speechless to discover their little girl with a knife and slicing off the hair on her tiny head!

I thought you added the right amount of stanzas to give your readers a good idea of what goes on with this girl. My favorite (and most horrifying) stanza is the last! You ended with a bold punch line, that Lucy plots revenge by thinking of ways to kill her sibling and her mother's pet birds!

SUGGESTIONS:I noticed that your rhyme seemed forced in a few places. Here is one example: You have, "Mother comes to say goodnight,/but Lucy does not answer./Clicking off the bedroom light,/"Brat!" her Mommy yells to her."
I think it would read more smoothly with a few very slight changes, such as, Mother comes to say goodnight,/But Lucy will not chat./Clicking off the bedroom light,/Her mother calls her, 'Brat'.

You added the mention of a horror movie in your brief introduction. I have never heard of this movie. Perhaps I'm not the only one who hasn't. It might not be a bad idea to add a very small idea of what the movie is about under your poem. It really doesn't need to be more than a couple of sentences, but I think it will help to give that movie an understanding.

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Review of Walk In The Rain  
Review by Maryann
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This review is part of your *Sun* Solar Package *Sun* from "Invalid Item!

FIRST IMPRESSION: Here we have a contest entry in the genre of 'horror'.

THOUGHTS: I loved the creativity which shined throughout your rainy poem.

FAVORITE PART: You had some really unique ideas in this story poem. The man seemed cheery and even a bit excited about taking a walk in the rain, and who would have ever expected that he'd end up getting hit by a train of all things! I love rhyming poems! You took care in rhyming well and in a uniformed way. Nice work with the rhyme and story plot.

SUGGESTIONS: Some of your poem didn't flow very smoothly. I would fix that in a few of the places. I think it could be done in a way which wouldn't hurt the thoughts or the rhyme.

Here is one example of what I am talking about...
You have: "There once was a man with an umbrella/He fancied a walk in the rain/He sure was an unlucky fellah/He fell in front of a train" It might read more smoothly to lengthen the last line, since the first line was so long. I would change it to something like: 'He slipped right in front of a train'.

I would have liked to know more about the contest. If it still exists, you might consider adding a link to it. Another idea might be to simply add something at the bottom, which mentions what the prompt was. I'm assuming that it was to write a horror piece about a person walking in the rain, but as a person who is not at all familiar with this contest or prompt, I could only guess.

All you have in your brief introduction, is the word count. This is something which should be added to the bottom inside of the item. A viewer might pass over your poem, because they have no idea of what's inside. I would suggest that you add a hint in the brief introduction, instead, which will give a taste of things yet to come. Be aware, though, that your item rating is 'E' right now. If you make any changes inside or out which makes this item inappropriate for young children, you might be better off upping that rating just a touch.

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Review of The Coin Box  
Review by Maryann
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


FIRST IMPRESSION: This is a touching story about how a book changed the life of a boy and his family.

THOUGHTS: What a very touching story! I did get teary eyed at the end. Children can be so sweet and they always seem to know the right thing to do. They know their families well, and therefore usually aren't too unfamiliar with things like occurrences and the feelings of loved ones.

FAVORITE PART: I guess the owner of book shops have the power to touch people's lives in many ways. I never thought of that before. I person might learn a new language or how to train their dog. Maybe a person might figure out which dog to get, or which car to get. Someone might also find guidance and counseling all from a book. This was the case in your great story. The boy knew just the type of book that could change his mother's life...And therefore, the lives of his whole family, including himself.

Books can bring about many joys. A child can improve their reading and develop the lifelong habits of enjoying a good book. The boy in your story knew just how important a good book could be.

It was really sweet that the ten year old boy used what was obviously his very own cherished money to buy the book for his mom. He had to break open the clay box. It was worth it to him, in exchange for his mother's happiness.

I really enjoyed that your story also had a very happy ending. It all worked out so well for the boy. So well, that he came back two years later to give the owner of the store the rest of the money from his coin box, along with a thank you note. The happiness he felt showed in his healthy look, too. This was a great way to add true closure to your story.

SUGGESTIONS:There was only one problem which I found with your story. One sentence at the end didn't seem like a complete sentence and it didn't read so well. Here it is: "Not the actual money value of that coin, but I knew that it was so valuable for that boy."

I would also suggest explaining a tiny bit more about why the owner wanted to thank the boy back...To let him know how much his story touched her heart, perhaps?

Great work. I really enjoyed this one. *Smile*

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124
Review of Louis and Jacqui  
Review by Maryann
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


FIRST IMPRESSION: This is a story of Louis XIII, the eleven your old boy who became king of France.

THOUGHTS:Happy Writing.com anniversary, Jace! I took a look through your port to find something to review in honor of your anniversary, and I was so happy to find this historic story. I thought it would be perfect to read while I was playing Game of Thrones here! *Bigsmile*

FAVORITE PART:You are a truly talented story writer! I was captivated from the beginning to the end. Your readers will learn a few historical facts, while being pleasantly entertained at the same time!

I really thought it was great that you ended with a line which complemented the beginning line. Very creative!

I also notice how you effortlessly slipped the quotation prompt in! It worked really well, and impressed me. I'm wondering how you did in the contest...

Do you speak French? You added lots of French words here and there throughout. Although I've been to France a few times, sadly, I never learned more than a few words. With that said, I was still able to follow your story with no interruption. You added those words in a way that all your readers would have no trouble understanding. I thought that was a nice touch which gave your story realness.

I felt for the poor boy right from the start. All of those trees, and he was never able to climb any of them. I could understand why he would want to sneak away to play in Jacqui's neighborhood. How sad that he loved being with her, yet he was forced to suddenly marry someone he didn't even know very well. Gosh, things weren't easy back then...Regardless of class!

I thought you did a great job with your descriptions. You kept my attention! I liked the descriptions of Louis riding his horse and hitting the tree the best.

The most touching part was when Jacqui cupped his face in her hands and they kissed for the first and last time. So sad! Nice work with this one! *Smile*


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125
Review by Maryann
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


FIRST IMPRESSION: This is a sweet poem of romance by a dear sweet WDC member.

THOUGHTS: Happy Account Anniversary, Sherri! I'm so glad you joined many years ago back in 2006. I can't ever imagine this site without you. You've done so much, and wrote so many well written stories and poems, like this one!

FAVORITE PART: Ah, I like romantic pieces when they're done well. I floated away for a few moments...Escaping all of the thoughts of the day...By your captivating and pleasant rhyme. I love poems which rhyme, and I have never been disappointed with any of yours!

This poem could easily have been a fun and memorable marriage vow. I loved how each stanza took me through the moments of the couple's time together. As your title states...It began with a kiss. I thought it was great how you came back to that at the end. It gave it a nice ending to how it began. *Smile*

I feel that you succeeded in displaying the experience of falling in love. The two win each other's hearts, and a ring enters the scene. They are happily engaged for two years of planning, and then walk down the aisle. ...A perfect love story in a beautiful poem!

My favorite line: "Two years later, our lives become harried,
as we make plans to get married". This is the sort of touching poem which makes people melt and get teary eyed from the sweetness of it all.

SUGGESTIONS: Where are the *Kiss* emotionicons! LOL
I would color up this piece and put in a few emos! ...Or one of the amazing images which you always find. The poem looks pretty, though, with the centering and uniform stanzas. *Smile*

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