Nice twist. I really like the idea that this roughneck backwoods type should be into opera. In very few words you conveyed Elroy and Timmy's background and character. Well done. The vocabulary used was pitched just right. I would like to read more of their adventures.
Santa with a twist. I wonder how many letters to St. Nick are of a similar nature. I am sure there have been requests to return dead relatives or provide transplant organs. Horrific but with a sense of realism. A very good take on the traditional Christmas yarns.
Watch out cheaters everywhere. I can imagine how this guy must be feeling. This is similar to the people who come to during an operation. Some of it sounds a little awkward. For instance you could try - The figure moved about the room, keeping to the shadows, and began preparing something. That is just my opinion, it is your story.
This seems like a very interesting story. The reference to his drinking does make you think about the veracity of his tale. Are the little people real or the result of dilerium tremens? Certainly the wife would rather believe the latter.
Typo - you put 'run' instead of 'sun' in first sentence.
A very good explanation of your user name here on WDC. Mine is equally well established. At college I decided there were far too many Sue Cooks in the world and sought a pseudonym. As I was in the bar at the time the bottles gave me and my mates the inspiration. Odessa brand vodka and Molinari vermouth.
She soon took on a life of her own with a whole back story. She can be found all over the internet; in chat rooms, on RPG games etc. She lives the interesting life I can only dream of.
This is a very emotional piece about a suicide. I hope that it is not written from personal experience. You might want to check it over for repeated words and phrases. And dividing it into paragraphs would make it easier to read on screen.
You could lengthen the work by bringing in memories. Who told her she was worthless? What led her to this dark place?
This is very sensatively written. I can put myself in the place of this woman. I liked the letter she would never get to send. It is very true to life. The falling blossom starting and finishing the story rounds things off.
Maybe it could be considered more as a vignette than a complete story but that does not detract from the storytelling. This might be the start of a novel. What happened to her husband? What is going to happen to her?
I like this conversation. I am sure we can all recognise the situation. I like the difference in the language used by each of the girls. You immediately know that Cathy is the bad girl; a regular in detention, whilst Sherry is the newbie. I like that it is the good girl who finally comes out with the inappropriate language.
I really liked the humour in this piece. The banter between the Chef and the alien is really funny. The relationship reminds me a bit of 'American Dad'; that sort of love hate thing. I like the idea that Morphy can change shape; it opens all kinds of avenues for further chapters.
I found that the changes between plain text and italic was rather confused. I know what you are going for but I think you need to check the WritingML. The italic seems to run on to the wrong bits.
I found no problems with spelling or grammar. Looking forward to the next chapter.
I am presuming that you are just thirteen and that this is not a work of fiction. I thought your writing was quite mature for your age. I particularly liked the opening paragraph. It is a long time since my first year at senior school but I can still recall how frightening it was. I think you have done a good job of putting that across.
Beware of repeating words, especially in close proximity. This is one of the things you will learn as you grow as a writer. I think we have a star in the making. Well done.
You are obviously an inexperienced writer. You have a problem common to the novice of just writing and writing and writing. Stop. Take a breath. Think about what you want to say. You are trying to present an argument as to why you hate school. You need to make points not just rant on. You are trying to be persuasive. If necessary even use bullet points, but make your argument clear and coherent. Then maybe that piece of paper might just come your way that bit easier.
Wow, slow down there a bit. You have obviously let your ideas run away with you. I see lots of run on sentences with missing punctuation. You are obviously going for speed to build tension but short sharp sentences do this much better.
Try moving around some of it. eg. My name is Billy Bob Joe the III, and I am a criminal. So her I am laying in my bed thinking the cops will never find me then ...
This is obviously the start of a longer piece so just keep in mind the comments I have made and stop occassionally to think.
I really liked this tale. I wonder though if there was ever a fifteen year old son or if the woman actually intended the jacket for herself. Maybe she already knew the effect that look had on men. I have no doubt it was a moment of mutual enjoyment. I see no problems with spelling or grammar.
I agree with your sentiments wholeheartedly. It is also part of the way women are seen in the world; X's daughter, Y's wife, Z's mother, like we have no personal identity. This was a well thought out piece of writing. I like the way you used anecdote to introduce your opinion and then rounded off with more anecdote. I see no problems with spelling and grammar.
A very good piece about how to deal with a life changing illness. I hope it will give inspiration to others who are newly diagnosed that there is a life to be lived. There is a good sense of rhythm and rhyme to the piece. I see no spelling or grammar issues. I hope your health problems will not stop you from writing. If typing becomes too difficult maybe you could dictate to a friend.
Just my kind of story. We know just enough about Leena to suspect she is on the edge of a breakdown but the final act still comes as a surprise. The use of the colours leads us through and her obsession with them highlights her mental state.
Hi Aundria, I have read both versions and I think the poetry version is better. Even in the prose version the language is poetic and thus lends itself to free verse. I noticed a typo in the prose version. You typed the word 'the' twice in succession.
Somehow the start of the story and the ending don't seem to mesh. I get that she has memories of an abusive childhood but not where the vampire bit comes in. It is like a whole chunk of story is missing. Why does he say he saved her life? Who are Joseph and William?
I really like the sentiment of this piece. Although I personally like rhyming poetry this piece does have a good rhythm. I particularly liked the stark line 'Fight, write and leave your words behind'. That was the Great War in a nutshell. I don't believe any conflict since has so inspired poets.
I am sure all of us parents have been there. The sense of chaos was well conveyed. I liked the idea that the rings had been strategically placed for her to find. A very romantic gesture to a busy mum. So often when kids come along romance goes out the window.
I can relate to this having undergone a gall bladder op as a day patient. Fortunately no happy pills, just straight in with the mask. An hour later home with no ill effects. Your story really made me giggle. You captured the effects of the pills very well.
You talk about Baby Girl as in one child then later you talk about having two kids. Have I missed something? Did something happen to the other child in an earlier chapter maybe? As it stands it does not make sense on that front. As to the running late bit; we've all been there. What a meanie the boss is.
Check your typos; you have put can instead of can't in several places.