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151
151
Review of Oh Beautful  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*

First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: This is an interesting short story, and as I read, I forgot that the story takes place in 1957. It was easy to imagine the friends out for a drive and taking in the beautiful Canadian landscape. You described the scenes perfectly, and I could easily imagine the breathtaking scenery that made the characters sing.

I like the way one of the characters started singing upon seeking the spectacular view while the others quickly joined in. I think it does a good job of telling just how amazing the sight actually was. Even though the story was rather short, it was complete and left me smiling at the end. I did find the part about a passenger too ambiguous and could never figure out who the passenger was. When you mentioned his predicament, I thought the story was going to take a different turn, but then it was all forgotten. I think the story would be clearer without this mention of a passenger.

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: "Beautiful" is spelled incorrectly in the story's title. Also, I would put a comma between "Oh" and "Beautiful".

Near the end of the first paragraph, you said that three people were "packed behind him close to the passenger". How could three people be close to one passenger in a car? And who are you considering the passenger? Vonnie? In the last sentence of the first paragraph, the ending quotation marks should come directly after the comma. The rest of the quotes in the story should be edited in that same way. In the last sentence of part 1, "Hey Jude" should be in quotation marks, since it's a song title.

Again, in the second part of the story, I'm confused by your use of "passenger". It is unclear as to whom you are referring. A few paragraphs later, I would change "spilling" to "spilled". In the last sentence of that paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "Without warning". In the next sentence, there shouldn't be a space between "it" and the question mark.

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this short story. It was a good read that could be even better if you made it clearer to whom "passenger" refers in the story. I look forward to visiting your port again soon.

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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152
152
Review of Ghost Town  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
*UmbrellaP* Hi, 💙 Carly . I am honored to review your short story as a part of your shower at "Invalid Item" . *UmbrellaP*

My Thoughts: I decided to review this story because it had no ratings, and I'm glad I did! Mystery is one of my favorite genres, and you did a good job with this one. You had a cast of interesting characters, and I like the way they interacted. It was easy for me to be drawn into the story by the character interactions. I would have liked a better physical description of the characters, though, because it was difficult for me to imagine what they looked like.

You also did a good job of writing a good little mystery with a limited word count. The transition to the scary part of the story was smooth, and I loved the way the story ended.

I think third person narration would work better for this piece. I believe there were three women involved in this story: Sandy, Gloria and Darla. But from the first part of the story, it appears that there are four: the aforementioned women plus the narrator. Even though the story is in first person, you mentioned all three of the women in the first part of the story as if none of them were the narrator. It was very confusing.

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My Suggestions: First of all, now that the contest is over, I suggest changing the description to give the reader a hint of what the story is about rather than just saying it's a contest entry. In the second paragraph, rather than having the word "figured" twice in the first sentence, I would change it to, "Mike thought..." I would omit the word "out" from the first sentence of the third paragraph. A comma should be inserted after "wife" in the third sentence of that paragraph so that "my wife" is set off with commas.

In the eighth paragraph, I would change "newest to" to newest of". "by the look of mischievousness in her smile" should be set of with commas. In the second paragraph of the second part of the story, "as he was driving" should be set off with commas. In the last paragraph of that part, "good two hours then after lunch we took" should be punctuated to read, "good two hours. Then, after lunch". A few sentences later, the comma after "way ahead" should be changed to a semicolon.

In the first paragraph of the third part of the story, you have, "but as they neared they were". As they neared what? This sentence is unclear. Near the end of the story, "Each girl trembled. Then turned to look towards the saloon.", the last sentence is a sentence fragment. This could be remedied by combining the sentences to form, "Each girl trembled, then turned to..." In the next sentence, "here the guys" should be "hear the guys".

Sometimes, omitting commas changes the meaning of a sentence. In the sentence, "Sandy called her voice raspy." as it stands, it sounds like you mean that Sandy referred to her voice as raspy. I believe you meant, "Sandy called, her voice raspy." which means that Sandy called out the someone in a raspy voice. See the difference a comma can make? In the next several paragraphs, every time that you follow a quotation with "she said", the word "she" should not be capitalized. In the next-to-last paragraph, "about the touch down" should be "about to touch down".

The first sentence of the last paragraph should be split into 2 sentences by inserting a period after "move" and beginning a new sentence with "She felt". A few sentences later, "though she tried to pull back" should be set off with commas.

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this great read! I thoroughly enjoyed it and can't wait to check out more of your work.

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153
153
Review of Puzzle Passion  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ , and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

My Thoughts: I must say that I'm very surprised to see that you have just joined WDC and have already created such an excellent story! I know from experience how difficult it can be to create a complete and coherent story in 300 words or less, but you made it seem effortless here. Your short story goes to show how a seemingly insignificant event can bring a bit of humor to a reader.

You have an excellent writing style, and I could easily imagine the scene that you described. I even chuckled out loud at the thought of poor George with the puzzle piece stuck to his head. It was easy to empathize with the frustration that he felt. Luckily, he was resilient, though, and quickly moved on to his next quest. I loved the way you ended the story with a pun. Very clever!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: It seems that your spelling and grammar were flawless in this piece. Good job! The only issue I could find is with your use of quotation marks. After the third paragraph, you have some quotation marks that don't seem to go with anything and should be omitted. In the eighth paragraph, the closing quotes should go directly after the comma, not right before "he". That makes it seem as though you're putting "he" in quotes. You have the same problem near the end of the story after "Cheer up,". The closing quotes should go directly after the comma and not right before "she".

Despite my best efforts, I could find nothing else to critique. Terrific!

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this terrific short story! I thoroughly enjoyed the read, and I can already tell that you're going to be an excellent addition to the WDC community. I look forward to checking out more of your work!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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154
154
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I was intrigued by this story's title, and the description piqued my curiosity even more. Since horror is one of my favorite genres, I just couldn't help myself! The story was as good as I had hoped. Your conversational tone immediately drew me into the story, and I was on the edge of my seat, anxious to find out what would happen.

First person narrative worked well for this piece, and it made me become even more involved and empathetic with the narrator. Your descriptive writing made it easy for me to picture the scenes as you described them. I felt so sorry for the poor narrator when his drink was obviously drugged, and I immediately knew that this story would not come with a happy ending.

I really liked the way you ended the story, but, at the same time, I felt that it left too many questions unanswered. Since you're narrating the story, you're obviously still here, but the ending hinted that you remained in a tormented place. I think ending in that way should make you reconsider first person narrative. It's hard to claim something like that if you're the one telling the story. Just a thought.

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: In the first sentence, "in actuality" should be set off with commas. In the third sentence, "girl's" should be "girls", because you're not trying to show possession or using it as a contraction for "girl is". In that same sentence, a comma should be inserted after "danced". In the last sentence of that paragraph, "here" should be "there". In the first sentence of the next paragraph, "broke" should be "broken" because it follows the word "had". In that same sentence, "laying" should be "lying", because "laying" refers to an inanimate object. In the third paragraph, "by the time that I arrived" should be set off with commas. In the fourth paragraph, "ask" should be "asked" since the rest of the story is in past tense.

In the seventh paragraph, "have ever seen" should be "had ever seen" and "read your thoughts" should be "read my thoughts". In the second sentence of the next paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "clothing". In the next paragraph, "as I was about to get into my car" should be set off with commas. In the next sentence, "when our eyes locked" should be set off with commas. In the next sentence, a comma should be inserted after "night". In the next paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "As I approached the gate". In the last sentence of the following paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "started to turn".

In the first sentence of the last paragraph, "women" should be "woman" since you're only talking about one woman. Near the end of that paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "size" and another should be inserted after "come". In the last paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "upon me".

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this interesting short story. I enjoyed the read, and I can't wait to check out more of your work!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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155
155
Review of Never Before  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ , and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

My Thoughts: You have a really good idea for a story here, and Monroe, English and Fury are likable characters. I especially like the way that, even though they are so young, they find themselves in a horrible situation. Your action-packed scenes easily captured my interest, and I found myself on the edge of my seat, anxious to find out what would happen to poor English!

I understand what you were doing when you told the story first from Monroe's point of view and then from English's, but I think it became a bit confusing. The story is interesting enough that you could easily expand it and have a chapter for each character in which to tell the story from his or her point of view. In that regard, you could also have a chapter from Fury's POV and even one from Faye. You could begin with a prologue, cluing the reader in on what has previously happened, and then go into the tale from each character's perspective. As the story is, it's great, but it just feels incomplete and left me yearning for more.

I do like the way you told the story in present tense, and you did a good job of keeping it in the same tense throughout. I also like the way you brought the additional characters in through the action parts of the story rather than just bringing them in with boring history. Great job!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: First, I suggest changing the rating of the story from "E" to "ASR" as the subject matter of the story warrants a higher rating. Next, I suggest skipping only one line between each paragraph. I think this would make the story easier to read and more visually appealing.

In the second sentence of the first paragraph, "laying" should be "lying", because you're referring to English (a person), not an inanimate object. In the next sentence, "Its" should be "It's", because you're using it as a contraction for "It is". In the following sentence, you say "them", but you are referring to the previously mentioned "road". In that regard, since "road" is singular, "them" should be changed to "it". In the next sentence, I would change "is disappeared" to "has disappeared". A couple of sentences later, a comma should be inserted after "skin".

In the next paragraph, I would change "same one" to "same tattoo" to make it clear as to what you are talking about. Also, the commas after "swollen" and "up" in that paragraph should be omitted. In the next paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "friend" so that "my best friend" is set off with commas.

In the second sentence of the first paragraph under "English", I believe "eyes flirt" should be "eyes flit". In that same sentence, "I" should be capitalized. A few sentences later, "as I here" should be "as I hear". In the next paragraph, I would change "hard swallow" to "swallow hard". A few sentences later, "our people our dead" should be "our people are dead".

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this short story. I enjoyed the read, and I really hope you decide to expand the story. I look forward to reading more of your work!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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156
156
Review of Leila  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*UmbrellaP* Hi, Dawn Embers . I am honored to review your short story as a part of your shower at "Invalid Item" . *UmbrellaP*

My Thoughts: I'm a sucker for stories that use one of the character's names as the title, so this one was right up my alley. The description was simple, yet it was just enough to make me anxious to see just what Leila's light really was. I loved the first line of the story; it immediately drew me in!

Although this story is short, it is complete, and you adequately described the characters and the setting. First person narrative worked well for this piece; I always find that using first person in dark tales such as this one intensifies the eerie feeling and allows me to become more involved in the story. I also really liked the way you described Leila. Words such as "delicate", "sweet", "perfect" and "beautiful", along with the fact of what he was willing to do for her, work very well to convey the narrator's feelings for this woman.

Near the end of the story, you spice things up a bit, and I was on the edge of my seat wondering whether or not the narrator would be able to control himself. And I must say that I love the way you ended the story. I was sort of expecting a different ending, but I think the one you chose worked perfectly.

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My Suggestions: I didn't really like the way that you told most of the story in present tense, and I think you switched tenses in places you shouldn't. For instance, the second paragraph is completely in past tense. Then, you switched to present in the third and remained in present throughout most of the remainder of the story. If you want to stay in present tense, in the eighth paragraph, "Her brown eyes showed" should be "Her brown eyes show". In the next-to-last paragraph, you use mostly past tense. This paragraph, too, should be present tense, if the rest of the story is. In that regard, "was" should be "is", "wanted" should be "want", "was" should be "is", and "couldn't" should be "can't". Still, I think the entire story, with the exception of the very first and the very last sentence, would sound better if written in past tense.

The second, third and forth sentences of the fourth paragraph were very descriptive and helped me to imagine how Leila looked, but I also found them a bit boring, probably because of the way the sentences are structured. Particularly, I think the third and fourth sentence would be more appealing if they did not begin with prepositional phrases. Maybe you could change it to something like "She is wearing a black shirt and tights under the jacket, completing the ensemble with a pink ballerina tutu over the tights." Of course, this is just a personal preference.

Finally, I would consider changing "I whispered in her ears" to "I whispered in her ear", because it seems a bit impossible for one person to whisper into both of another person's ears at the same time.

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this story, written in one of my favorite genres. I really enjoyed the read, and I look forward to checking out more of your work soon!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
157
157
Review of My Wi-fi  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*

First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I really enjoyed this little humorous piece, and I could easily relate to your dependence on wi-fi. It's easy to overlook all of the different instances in a day in which we utilize a device that requires wi-fi; you did a great job of bringing it to our attention. Although the story was humorous, it could easily be a true story, and that's one of the things that makes it great.

First person narrative worked well for this piece. It was easy to imagine the narrator going from one wi-fi enabled device to the next and to empathize with his dependence on this little convenience. I especially liked the last few paragraphs of the story and the way you let the reader know that the narrator realizes his dependence but refuses to do anything about it. I know exactly how he feels! Great job!

"My Kindle called its Amazonian mothership" *Left* I loved that line!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: You had a tendency to switch between present and past tense throughout this story, making it difficult for me to become thoroughly involved in the story. For instance, most of the first paragraph is in past tense, but you switch to present tense with "check". In order to remain consistent, this should be changed to "checked". There are similar issues with the second paragraph. Although it is mostly past tense, you switch to present tense with the instances of "will" and "can". They should be changed to "would" and "could". You encounter this same issue in almost every paragraph. I suggest doing a thorough edit to ensure that all of the sentences are in past tense.

In the first sentence, "panicked" is spelled incorrectly. In the fourth paragraph, you say "to a traveler" yet you said "for a traveler". I would change it to "for a traveler" to make them consistent. In the last sentence of that paragraph, I would change the comma after "things" to a semicolon. Also, "you neck" should be "your neck". In the fifth paragraph, I would write "2" out as "two". Numbers under 10 are usually written out. In the sixth paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "coffee". (Also, note in that sentence that "get" should be "got").

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this funny story. It was a good read that would be even better after a thorough edit. Should you decide to do so, I would be happy to review it again afterward. Regardless, I look forward to dropping by your port again soon.

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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158
158
Review of Prigioniera  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*UmbrellaP* Hi, CJ Reddick . I am honored to review your short story as a part of your shower at "Invalid Item" . *UmbrellaP*

My Thoughts: It is always a pleasure to read your short stories, and I especially liked this one! I chose this story because I wanted to get an idea of what the title meant, and the description sounded interesting. Well, I loved the story, but I'm still not sure about the title. *Laugh* After reading some of your other stories, I thought you were a fantasy writer, but you proved me wrong with this one. You're a terrific writer in the 'dark' genre as well. You did an excellent job of creating an interesting, nail biter with this short piece. I was drawn in by the very first sentence, and I remained on the edge of my seat throughout.

First person narrative worked well for this piece, and it was easy to understand Lisa's chagrin. You provided adequate background information, and I think I held my breath from the moment Lisa walked into the artist's place through the end of the story. And the ending was absolutely perfect! Without giving too much away, I love the way the ending answered questions I never even knew I had. Because of this little story, I don't think I will ever look at that artist's works the same again!

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My Suggestions: First let me say that your spelling and punctuation are flawless. And I love the way you wrote shorter sentences during the climax of the story. Great job!

I just had a couple of issues with the story. First, it was difficult to believe that the artist was living a poor life after Lisa so easily found the money he had borrowed (and obviously even more) from the pouch at his place. And how could he be content living the poor life if he had previously borrowed money from the narrator? In by experience, people who are content with being poor don't bother borrowing money.

Also, it didn't seem quite right when the narrator professed that she hated the artist. That seemed a bit strong since the only thing he had apparently done to her was fail to pay the money he had borrowed back to her, and I don't think that constitutes hate. And since she had let him borrow the money before, she must not have hated him then. I would revisit these issues.

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Overall: Thank you for sharing yet another terrific read. I really enjoyed this story, and I look forward to dropping by your port again soon!

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159
159
Review of Sunny's Pet  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*

First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I love children's stories, and you have a great idea for one here. Sunny is a name that would appeal to a child, and the little injured squirrel was the perfect addition to the story. I like they fact that Mother is so aware of Sunny's best interests. The story also teaches children the valuable lesson of being kind to animals. Good job!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: First of all, I suggest expanding upon the story. Tell us more about Sunny. How old is he? What is his general demeanor? A little background information would go a long way in capturing a child's interest. I think a story consisting of only one paragraph is too small to be considered a short story.

I think "polythene" is too difficult of a word to expect a child to understand what it means. I suggest changing the word to one that's more child friendly. In the sentence that mentions that word, the word "and" should be inserted after the comma. Otherwise, you have a run-on sentence. In the next sentence, I would reconsider saying "Mother held up the bag" since the squirrel is on it. I suggest changing it it "Mother carefully picked up the bag." In the following sentence, the comma after "squirrel" should be omitted.

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Overall: This is a good children's story that could be even better if expanded upon. Should you decide to do so, I would be happy to review it again afterward. Thanks for sharing, and I look forward to checking out more of your work!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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160
160
Review of Bank Withdrawal  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ , and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

*Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb*


My Thoughts: I decided to read this piece because the title interested me. I'm glad I did! I really enjoyed this short story! I know from experience how difficult it can be to write a complete and meaningful story using only 300 words or less, and I must say that you did an excellent job of that here. You adequately described the characters, the setting, the conflict and the resolution. Good job!

I like the way you began the story with the bank employees' boredom but quickly revealed it was to be short-lived. The story was action packed, and I was on the edge of my seat, anxious to see what would happen next. I especially like the way you ended the piece with a bit of humor. You took the reader through so many emotions in this short piece. Terrific!

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My Suggestions: First of all, I suggest changing the description of the story to give the reader an idea as to what it's about rather than only stating that it was written for a contest.

In the sentences, "Dave pulled up to the bank and was thankful he saw no cars in the parking lot. Pulled his sedan up by the door and walked in.", the last sentence is a sentence fragment, and there was no need to mention pulling up in the second sentence after mentioning it in the first sentence. I would change this to "Dave pulled up to the back, thankful he say no cars in the parking lot, and walked in." Rather that start the next sentence with, "Dave got a phone call", I would change it to, "His wife had called on his way home". Then, in the next sentence, you could change "His wife" to "She".

In the next paragraph, I would change, "crashed open a man" to "crashed open, and a man". Otherwise, it's a run-on sentence. In the following sentence, I would change the comma after "hurt" to a semicolon. In the next paragraph, I would shorten, " Kim and Allison went into a panic looking around. They were looking for the manager", to simply, "Kim and Allison went into a panic, looking around for the manager." A couple of paragraphs later, "Not wanted to make" should be "He did not want to make". Otherwise, you have a sentence fragment here, because there's no subject.

In the next paragraph, "screamed" shouldn't be capitalized, because it's a continuation of the quote. In the next paragraph, you say, "The bag were getting filled in a hurry. Kim and Allison franticly throwing everything they had in the bag. The looks on their face was of complete terror." I would consider shortening this to "Kim and Allison frantically filled the bag in a hurry. They were terrified." A couple of paragraphs later, you have, "passed him. Then reached". This should be "passed him, then reached". Otherwise, the second sentence is a sentence fragment. Finally, in that paragraph, "Bandits right thigh" should be "Bandit's right thigh", because you're attempting to show possession.

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this short story! It was an enjoyable read that would be even better after a thorough edit. Should you decide to do so, I would be happy to review the story again afterward. Regardless, I look forward to visiting your port again soon!

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161
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ , and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

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My Thoughts: I chose your story to review because of the description's promise of insignificance. I wanted to see if you could take an admittedly insignificant story and make it interesting. I must say that you did just that. Although the story was rather short, it was complete and left nothing to be desired. Your character description was adequate for this piece, and I have to say that I love the name "Bretta".

I especially like the way you manage to add a hint of mystery to this little story. The fact that the characters knew each other left me wondering what their history was and what type of relationship they had. Would they be rekindling an old flame, or had they been mere acquaintances? I like the fact that this piece made me wonder those things. It allows the reader's imagination to take over and fill in the blanks. Good job!

"Leaves became kites in the updraft and the trees were like mailmen, scattering their lofty goods throughout the bustle of the city." *Left* This was my favorite line in the story. I loved the imagery it brought to mind!

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My Suggestions: The title of this story didn't work for me. I understand your meaning behind it, but it just seemed a little off. I would suggest something like "A Chicago Moment" or "A Moment in Time". The formatting of this piece looks a bit off as well. There's no indentation in the first paragraph, but the remaining paragraphs are indented. I suggest either indenting all of them or none of them.

I think you worked a little too hard in this piece to give descriptions of things. For instance, in just the first paragraph, you used "woolen brown cap", "velvety handbag", "tawny faux-fur coat", "bleached blonde hair". While I like the fact that you made it easy for the reader to develop an image of Bretta, I think it could be done in a less obvious way. This paragraph seemed a bit bogged down with the descriptions.

In the next-to-last sentence of the first paragraph, I would insert "it" after "chilly without". In the first sentence of the second paragraph, I would change "attentions" to "attention". I would also omit "proper" from that sentence and change the semicolon after "suit" to a comma. I would also omit "from himself" from that sentence, as I think it makes it a bit confusing. I would also change "as if the passage of time paused" to simply "as if time stood still".

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this interesting short story. I enjoyed the read, and I can already tell that you're going to be a great addition to the WDC community. I look forward to visiting your port again soon!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
162
162
Review of The Irony of It  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ , and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

*Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb*


My Thoughts: I chose this story because of the interesting title and the even more interesting description, and I'm glad I did! This was a great short story! I know from experience how difficult it can be to write a complete story using 300 words or less, from a prompt, but you made it seem effortless here. I love the way you used the idea of writing a story from the given prompt in the story itself. I did something similar when I was in a contest in which I had to write 30 poems in 30 days and one of the prompts just didn't inspire me.

I especially like the way you incorporated things you normally do into the story. I could easily see something like this happening, and your dialogue was spot-on. The story was interesting from beginning to end, and I particularly liked the ending. It wrapped the story up nicely and left nothing to be desired. Great job!

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My Suggestions: Because of your terrific writing style and obvious eye for detail, I had to comb this piece in order to find suggestions to offer. Still, I was only able to find a few.

Near the end of the story, "I can't get passed" should be "I can't get past". Just keep in mind that "past" relates to location/distance while "passed" is used to describe the action of passing.

In the second-from-last paragraph, I couldn't figure out why the apostrophe was used after the word "story". I suggest omitting it.

Despite my best efforts, I have no more suggestions for improvement. This story was interesting, well-written and concise.

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this excellent read! I thoroughly enjoyed this short story, and I can already tell you're going to be an excellent addition to the WDC community. I look forward to visiting your port again soon.

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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163
Review of The Suicide Tree  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ , and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

*Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb*


My Thoughts: Wow! You pack quite a bit of emotion into this short piece! You have a terrific idea here, and the story was interesting and original. Although it was rather short, it was adequate and definitely left me with something to think about. I love the way you personified the tree, and the ending was superb!

The last line of the story, "she became one with the tree", was my favorite. Even after the hint in the title of the story, I wasn't expecting this little twist at the end. Good job!

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My Suggestions: The format of this piece sort of ruined it for me. When I saw that it was written in such big bold letters with no capitalization, I almost didn't even read it. I can understand from the story's description that you wanted to hurry and type the piece while it was still fresh in your mind, and that's understandable. However, after you do that, then it's time to go back to it and format and revise! Upon first glance, this little piece that has so much to offer the reader looks like it would be just fluff. I urge you to edit this piece to attract more readers!

I would begin by using a smaller font and using capitalization at the beginning of every sentence. I would then separate the story into paragraphs for an even easier read. I think the second sentence would read more smoothly if you changed "she would only feel" to "she only felt". In the next sentence, I would add the word "and" before "her dad". Otherwise, you have a run-on sentence here. In the next sentence, I would change "would bully" to "bullied", again to make for a smoother read.

A couple of sentences later, you switch from past tense to present tense. I would revise so that the entire story is in past tense. In the next sentence, I would omit "of which she named". I would add "a smell that made her happy" to the end of the previous sentence. As it is, this is a sentence fragment, because there is no verb. The apostrophe should be omitted from the word "asks". When you go on to tell what she asks, it should be in quotation marks. Next, the apostrophe in "agrees" should be omitted. Finally, in the last sentence, I would insert the word "in" before "years to come".

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Overall: This is a good idea that could be so much better if you took the time to edit it! Should you choose to do so, I would be happy to review it again afterwards. Thank you for sharing this emotion-filled piece. I enjoyed the read and look forward to checking out more of your work!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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164
Review of At What Price?  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*

First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: First of all, let me say that I'm impressed and amazed by the number of stories in your port. I love flash fiction, and I definitely know where to go now to get my fix!

This was an excellent story! I know from experience how difficult it is to write a complete and interesting story in 300 words or less, and you made it seem effortless here. I was especially impressed that you came up with this little gem from the three words listed after the end of the story!

The characters were interesting, and it was easy to imagine poor Jed's reaction to the eccentric Aiden. I like the way, even though Aiden seemed younger after drinking the elixir, Jed nevertheless chalked his explanation up to him being a nutjob. I believe I would have to try to talk my way in there and drink from that fountain! You ended the story on a perfect note, with Jed just going on about his day like he encountered something like that every day. Loved it!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: The first few sentences seem a little short and unconnected and got the story off to a bit of a slow start. I suggest that you consider combining the first two sentences to read, "Jed looked at his work order and compared the street address before grabbing his tools and sauntering up the stone walkway." It wouldn't affect your word count, because "before" replaced "he", leaving the story at 300 words. I suggest doing the same to the next to sentences to read, "Overgrown shrubs encroached upon it, and he had to turn sideways to get through. That would change the word count, so a word would need to be omitted later.

I would suggest dropping "front" from the first sentence of the next paragraph, because most people would assume he was knocking on the front door regardless. In the last sentence of the first paragraph, I would move the comma after "damage" to after "down". In the third paragraph, "he" shouldn't be capitalized, because it's a continuation of the sentence after the quote.

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this great short story! I really enjoyed the read, and I can't wait to come back to your port and read some more from the plethora of short stories!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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165
Review of Beautiful Hunter  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ , and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

My Thoughts: First of all, I love the title you chose for this story. It works so well with the content, and I like that the hunter was hunting the beautiful rather than being beautiful himself. The prompt you used could have gone so many ways, and I like that you chose to write a humorous piece from it. It was easy to imagine the scene that you described, and I got a few chuckles out of it. It was a very original idea, and I like the way it played out.

I know from experience how difficult it can be to write a complete story with a limited word count, and you did a good job of that here. The transition from the narrator napping on the grass to the scene happening nearby was a bit bumpy. I love the way the story ended with the narrator's confusion when he woke up, but maybe, you could find a better transition at the beginning. It's difficult to write a story in first person narrative, yet tell what happens while the narrator sleeps. Maybe this one would work better in third person, at least to avoid that bumpy transition and confusion.

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My Suggestions: I would consider rearranging the first sentence to read, "I sit in the soft grass at the park and close my eyes." You say in the second sentence that the grass feels cool and green. How does green feel? I would consider changing this to simply "The grass feels cool." Also, you begin the story in present tense with "sit" and "feels", but in the third sentence, you say "I was too young for this." In order to remain in present tense, the sentence should be changed to "I am too young for this." In the last sentence of the first paragraph, the comma after "eyes" should be omitted.

In the second paragraph, you also switch back and forth between present and past tense. I suggest choosing one and staying with it. Also in the second paragraph, you say "with a curly beard spotted with gray". In order to make the gray spotting more significant, I suggest you tell what color the rest of the beard is. Near the end of that paragraph, the comma after "larger" should be omitted. In the fourth paragraph, "pageant" is spelled incorrectly. In that paragraph, you also go back and forth between tenses, and again, I suggest sticking with one. It seems that most of the story is in present tense, so I would change everything to reflect that.

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Overall: Thank you for providing this funny little piece. It's a good story that would be even better after a thorough edit. If you decide to do so, I would be happy to take another look at it afterward. I enjoyed reading this and look forward to visiting your port again soon!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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166
166
Review of Woman Bites Dog  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*UmbrellaP* Hi, PandaPaws Licensed VetTech . I am honored to review your short story as a part of your shower at "Invalid Item" . *UmbrellaP*

My Thoughts: I was somewhat horrified while reading this story, because the thought that Sarah had bitten dogs was looming in the back of my mind. While the description of the story isn't misleading, it made be think that Sarah was hiding something very dark. I think that worked really well! I got a good chuckle at the end, though. This was a great story! You held my interest throughout, and your descriptive writing allowed me to almost feel Sarah's panic at the arrival of the television crew. When you spoke of her crazy antics while growing up in Kentucky, numerous possibilities entered my mind, and I was somewhat relieved to find out her "dark" secret was really not too bad.

Although this story is rather short, it is complete; you gave sufficient character descriptions and background information, and it was easy to imagine the scenes as you described them. And the ending of the story was terrific. I love stories with a totally unexpected ending, and this one was superb!

*Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab*


My Suggestions: First of all, I would suggest skipping a line between the paragraphs to make the story easier to read and more visually appealing.

You described Man Bites Dog as a reality show, but that's pretty much all we learn about it. While I think a bit of ambiguity is good in this instance, I think it was a little too ambiguous here. After all, if candidate for the show had changed his name several times to avoid his past, then it would have had to have been a lot worse than Sarah's. While I love the story's title, I don't know if the name of the show being "Man Bites Dog" works well with this story. I would consider changing the name of the show to something like "You Did WHAT?!?" That would be sufficient allow the reader to think that Sarah did something horrible but wouldn't be so misleading.

In the second sentence, a comma should be inserted after "house" so that "right in front of her house" is set off with commas. I would either italicize "Oh no" or put in in quotes to make it more apparent that it was Sarah's thought. Also, that sentence is a run-on sentence. This could be remedied by changing the comma after "deep breath" to a semicolon. Otherwise, you have two complete sentences separated with only a comma and no conjunction. You have the same issue a couple of sentences later with, "Could she hide and ignore it, should she answer it?" I would suggest inserting the word "or" after the comma to remedy this run-on sentence. You have the same issue again with the last sentence of that paragraph. I would remedy it this time by changing the comma after "window" to a semicolon. A couple of sentences later, the issue comes up again. While I think you may have been just trying to show how frantic Sarah was by running her thoughts together, doing in so much in such a short space somewhat detracted from the story for me.

When the burly crew member asked for a moment of her time, the sentence should have ended in a question mark, and the punctuation should be inside the quotations rather than afterward like the comma is. It was very hard for me to believe that a television crew would stop at a stranger's house and ask for dinner. I can't imagine that happening anywhere, especially with all the restaurants around, not to mention the dangers involved in doing that. Also, "they could almost taste the cornbread" didn't seem to fit the rest of the story for me. The rest of the story was told from Sarah's point of view, and it seemed strange to switch to the crew's POV here.

Finally, in the last sentence of the story, I would omit either "However" or "though" because they mean the same thing.

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this great short story. I really enjoyed the read and look forward to checking out more of your work!

*Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag*


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167
167
Review of A day's eye  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (2.5)
*UmbrellaP* Hi, Angelica- House Florent B & W . I am honored to review your flashback as a part of your shower at "Invalid Item" . *UmbrellaP*

My Thoughts: This is a very interesting way to set up the plot of a novel, and it seems like it would be a great story. However, it was extremely difficult to get into the story due to all of the grammatical and mechanical errors. I think you have a great plot, and Shellie and Darkie seem like likable characters that would be easy for a wide variety of readers to relate to. In this short piece, you had me empathizing with both characters as well as worrying about what the five strangers would do to them. I like the way you ended the piece with a cliffhanger. You definitely left me wanting to read more, which I believe is what you intended with this piece. Good job!

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My Suggestions: First of all, II would capitalize every word in the title to make the story appear more visually appealing. In that regard, I would also change the description from "Shellie = protagonist" to "Shellie is the protagonist. I would also omit "in a way" and "*cough*". I think that would also make the piece seem more serious and professionally written.

It seems that you intended to write this in past tense, but you switch from past to present often. I suggest doing a complete edit to remedy this. For instance, in the first paragraph, "Darkie was" should be changed to "Darkie is". In the third paragraph, "Shellie dislikes" should be "Shellie disliked" and "there are" should be "there were". In the fourth paragraph, "they are" should be "they were". In the fifth paragraph, "Shellie starts" should be "Shellie started". In the seventh paragraph, "Shellie follows" should be "Shellie followed".

I would omit the word "too" at the end of second sentence. I found the addition of that word confusing, as I couldn't find any other thing that it could relate to. The following sentence made no sense to me: "They looked too strong to do some defensive moves in the matter that they decided to do something." Did you mean something like "They looked so strong that Shellie doubted she'd be able to defend herself should they decide to do something."? Also, in that paragraph, "Turning her back would not upset her friend at this point as long as those strangers would not mention her." confused me. What do you mean by "as long as those strangers would not mention her"? Did you mean mention that she turned her back on Darkie? Wouldn't Darkie have noticed without the strangers mentioning it? In the last paragraph, "and going" should be "and were going".

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Overall: This is a good piece that would be much better after a thorough edit. If you decide to do so, I would be happy to take a look at it again afterwards. Thank you for sharing, and I look forward to checking out more of your work!

*Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag*


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168
168
Review of Connections  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*

First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I love the title you chose for this story, and, after reading the story, it took on an even more special meaning. I know from experience how difficult it can be to write a coherent and interesting story which such a stringent word limit, but you made it seem effortless here. You did an excellent job of telling about Karen through her thoughts rather than boring background detail. I must admit that I thought I knew exactly how this story would end, but I was totally wrong! I especially like stories with a supernatural twist, and this one was right up my alley! I think we all need someone like Karen's husband at times to remind us of all the good things about life.

I thought the repetition of the three words near the end of the story was clever and memorable. The small change in the words in the last few sentences was great. A short story with a bit of the paranormal and an unexpected ending = a terrific read. Good job!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: I was a bit confused as to what Disconnection was referring to since it was italicized throughout. That made it seem like it was some sort of title (of a book or movie) or something similar, but I don't think that's what you intended, especially since you mentioned that her husband's murder taught her about it. I would reconsider italicizing the word in the story.

In the last sentence of the first paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "Somehow", and "even cruel" should be set off with commas. In the first sentence of the second paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "Most days" and another inserted after "this day". Also, in that paragraph, since you didn't say the exact words the person said to her, the quotation marks should be omitted.

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this well-written short story. I thoroughly enjoyed the read, and I look forward to visiting your port again soon!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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169
169
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*

First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: You started with an interesting title and description, and the Prologue was as good as expected! I like the way you tell the story from the alien's point of view, and you point out many things that aliens likely question that I would have never considered. I also like the way you personified the alien, even talking about his employer. I especially like the way the alien talked about the reason the driver of the spaceship appreciated him.

I really enjoyed this prologue, and it has made me anxious to read the story. Although science fiction isn't one of my favorite genres, I think I would like your story. If it's half as interesting as the prologue, I know I would!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: First of all, the word "I" should be capitalized throughout the story. I thought you might have written it in lowercase because the narrator was an alien, but I checked out a few more of your stories, and it appears that you always write it that way. I would also choose either present or past tense for the story and stick with the chosen tense. The first two sentences are written in present tense, the next three are past tense, etc. I suggest changing the entire story to past tense.

In the second paragraph, you have "probably just" twice within two sentences. I suggest changing one of them to avoid overuse. Also in that sentence, "laying around" should be "lying around". In that sentence, the comma after "comedies" should be omitted. There are several sentence fragments throughout the story. For instance, the first and last sentences of the third paragraph aren't complete sentences; neither of them has a verb.

The first sentence of the fourth paragraph, "You see, the house i stay in has a special roof which retracts, that way we can beam up a specimen." is a run-on sentence. That could be remedied by changing it to, "You see, the house I stay in has a special roof that retracts. That way, we can beam up a specimen." In the following paragraph, I would change the period after "U.F.O's" to a comma and continue the sentence with, "which apparently..." Also, one thing to remember: a sentence that begins with "Which" or "Because" usually isn't a completely sentence, especially as written in this piece.

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this interesting prologue! It's a good introduction to the story that would be even better after a thorough edit. I enjoyed the read, and I look forward to checking out the finished work.

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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170
170
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*

First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: This is a really good and interesting story, but it was hard to get past all of the grammatical, mechanical and typographical errors. I had to stop reading many times to determine what you really meant because of the misplaced punctuation.

You have a good idea here, and first person narrative worked well for this piece. People are hesitant to accuse someone who has been hurt and appears helpless of committing any crime. This story reminds us that one can never be too certain. I like the way you showed what was happening in the story through your words rather than just telling the story. The narrator's wicked thoughts were especially interesting. And you did a great job of character development for such a short piece. As I read it, it was easy for me to determine the relationship between the narrator and his sister.

I also like the way you ended the story, bringing us back to the story's title. Good job!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: First of all, I would capitalize "always" and "tomorrow" in the story's title. In the description, the period after "neighbors" should be a question mark, since you're asking a question. In the second sentence of the description, "if not" should be set off with commas. That sentence should end with a question mark as well, because you're asking another question. Rather than doing a line-by-line edit of the story, I'm just going to point out the errors in the first few paragraphs and suggest that you edit the entire story. If you would like additional assistance, email me, and I'll be glad to help!

In the beginning of the story, you have, "My sister pushed me out on the porch,turned me slightly. So I could get a better look at the school crossing, in front of our house." As it is, there are problems with verb choice, sentence fragments and misused punctuation. I suggest changing the sentence to, "My sister pushed me out on the porch, turning me slightly so I could get a better look at the school crossing in front of our house."

In the second paragraph, you say, "Things had been this way every sense I left the hospital. The last doctor visit, The doctor commented. I would have thought he would have improved some by now. I don't understand it." In the first sentence, "every sense" should be "ever since". I suggest changing the next sentence to, "At my last doctor visit, the doctor commented, "I thought he would have improved some by now. I don't understand it.""

I won't try to rewrite any more of the story, but I do suggest that you read it aloud to determine where there should be pauses. If there shouldn't be one, then there shouldn't be a comma or period there. A few more things I will point out: If you are quoting what somebody said, there should be quotation marks around the statement. If you're giving an age range, it should be "six to ten", not "six till ten". "Till" is an abbreviated way of saying "until". If you are shortening "you are", it should be written as "you're", not "your". "Your" means belonging to you. Finally, there should be a space after every comma.

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this piece! It's a good short story that would be much better after a thorough edit. I look forward to reading more!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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171
171
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*UmbrellaP* Hi, Seffi . I am honored to review your short story as a part of your shower at "Invalid Item" . *UmbrellaP*

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


My Thoughts: Wow! I could hardly believe that this story was written by someone who has been a member of WDC for less than a month! I was blown away, and not just from the Unconventional Warfare. *Laugh* This piece was terrific. I know from experience how difficult it can be to write a coherent and interesting story with a stringent word limit, but you made it seem effortless here. I was drawn in from the action-packed beginning and remained on the edge of my seat throughout the story.

You do a great job of showing, rather than just telling the story. The "deafening booms", "flashes of light" and "acrid smell of smoke and sulphur" brought me into the story, and all filled all of my senses. First person narrative was a good choice for this piece, and I was on edge, empathizing with the narrator, throughout. And the ending was absolutely fantastic! Without giving too much away for people who read this review, I never saw that one coming! I love stories with a twist and the end, and this one was superb!

*Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab*


My Suggestions: I would suggest changing the description to give the reader a hint at what the story is about. This is such a great story, but the description tells nothing about the contents. If you want to let the reader know that it was a contest entry, you could put a note at the beginning or end of the story informing them of such.

In the third sentence of the story, I would insert a comma after "terrifying" so that "and just as terrifying" is set off with commas. A couple of sentences later, I would insert a comma after "second" and another after "obliterated". In the third paragraph, I would change "unfazed they are" to "unfazed they were" because the rest of the sentence/story is told in past tense. In the first sentence of the fifth paragraph, I would insert a comma after "In the distance". In the second sentence of the following paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "From above".

*Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this excellent short story! I can already tell you're going to be a wonderful addition to the WDC community, and I will definitely be visiting your port again soon.

*Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag*


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172
172
Review of The Experiment  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*

First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ , and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

My Thoughts: I love flash fiction, and you did a good job with this one. I know from experience how difficult it can be to write a coherent and interesting story in 300 words or less, and you made it seem effortless here. You did an excellent job of creating a story with an original idea using the given prompt, and you were even able to throw in a little twist at the end. Good job!

You started with an interesting title and description, and your invitation to join the characters was unique and made me anxious to read the story. I like your aliens' names, and your descriptive writing made it easy to picture them as well as the setting of the story. I loved your description of the alien's long green tongue. I could just imagine the orange creature with the green tongue. The entire story was interesting, but the twist at the end made it even better. It's hard to create a surprise ending for such a short story, but I never saw it coming.

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: First of all, I would omit some of the spaces between the paragraphs. I think that would make the story easier to read as well as more visually appealing. Next, I would suggest you edit the story for punctuation errors. For instance, in the second sentence, a comma should be inserted after "planet". In the second paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "abruptly". In the third paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "Cord". Also, "you're" is spelled incorrectly. Remember, if it's a contraction for "you are", it should be spelled "you're", not "your".

In the fourth paragraph, there are two questions, so each of those sentences should end with a question mark. In the next paragraph, "stopped" should be changed to "stop". In the last sentence of that paragraph, the period after "visited" should be a comma. A couple of paragraphs later, "Why did you do that" should end with a question mark. In the next paragraph, "Looking down ashamed." is a sentence fragment. I suggest changing it to something like "He looked down in shame." In the following paragraph, "exclaimed" shouldn't be capitalized. In the next paragraph, I would insert the word "him" after "informed".

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this interesting little story. I thoroughly enjoyed the read, and I can already tell you're going to be a wonderful addition to the WDC community! I look forward to reading more.

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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173
173
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*

First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: Oh how I miss those Seinfeld episodes! You brought the characters back to life with this story. I could easily picture the scene as you described it, and it would be a believable Seinfeld episode. Any fan of Seinfeld could tell that you have captured the essence of the characters in this piece. It was almost as though I was sitting in front of the television, enjoying a new episode.

You did a good job of telling a complete and interesting story in the 500 word range. I know from experience how difficult it can be to write a complete and coherent story using so few words, but you made it seem effortless here. Good job!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: First and foremost, I would capitalize "Guest" in the title of the story.

You have written this story in present tense, but there are some instances in which you switch to past. For example, in the second paragraph, you say, "The doorbell rang. Aunt Selma shuffled..." In keeping with present tense, this should be changed to "The doorbell rings. Aunt Selma shuffles..." A couple of sentences later, "I knew" should be "I know". You would have to continue making changes for tense agreement until you get to "I raise my eyebrow..." However, a few sentences later, you switch back to past tense.

In the fourth paragraph, there should be closing quotes after "shirt back". There are instances throughout the story, mostly before a name, were commas should be inserted. For example, there should be a comma between "Jerry" and "integrity" in the sixth paragraph. Also, you seem to have a little trouble with run-on sentences in conversations. The sentence, "I wouldn’t know Jerry, after all, you were the one who left your shirt in the laundry room, anyone could have tried it on." has numerous run-ons. I think it would read better as "I wouldn't know, Jerry. After all, you were the one who left your shirt in the laundry room. Anyone could have tried it on."

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for providing this humorous read. It was a good story that could be even better after a thorough edit. I enjoyed the read and look forward to vising your port again soon!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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174
174
Review of Sweet Douglas  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*

First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: This was a sweet, beautiful story, and I loved the ending. It took me some time to get into the story, because it started out a bit slow in order to provide adequate background. The ending made up for it, though, and I actually got goosebumps as I read about Cynthia's whispered "Goodbye." The epilogue was a nice touch, helping the reader to realize how significant the key and that last goodbye really was.

I could easily imagine little Cynthia and Douglas playing on the slide. You gave great physical descriptions of them. I could also imagine their sweet, shy first kiss and the subsequent joy, then loss. Great job!

I did wonder about the significance of mentioning Cynthia's illness and her Grandmother in the story. While I realize that it provided background, I can't help but think that some of that space (especially in a story this short) could be better used telling more about her relationship with Douglas. I'm still not quite sure why they never saw each other again after that day on the slide. After all, Cynthia had just moved there, and the story doesn't mention that Douglas had plans to move or that he was suffering from an illness. It was a bit confusing for me.

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: In the first paragraph, "in December" should be set off with commas. In the third paragraph, "in April" should be set off with commas. In the fourth paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "At first". In that paragraph, I would omit the word "and" before "her old friends", because you use "and" again after that. In the following paragraph, I would omit the "and" before "had blonde hair" for the same reason. In the next-to-last sentence of that paragraph, "The often shared" should be "They often shared".

There seemed to be too much going on in the story with very little description for each. We have Cynthia's illness, her grandmother, her move, her new friend Douglas, and then her loss of Douglas without a reason. I suggest focusing on just one thing, particularly Cynthia and Douglas, and telling about it more thoroughly.

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this lovely short story. I enjoyed the read, and I look forward to visiting your port again soon!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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175
175
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
** Image ID #1964981 Unavailable **


*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: You make a lot of great points in this essay. You offer your ideas about the causes and effects of the financial difficulties faced today. You also offer your ideas on possible solutions to these problems. One such suggestion is to provide large amounts of money to families. While I think that is a wonderful idea, I do wonder where that money is supposed to come from. Also, what about the individuals who are facing the same financial difficulties? Should they be overlooked because they don't have families?

You did do a good job with this essay. You began by stating your opinion. The body of the essay consisted of reasons behind your opinion. Then, you ended the essay by coming back to your original assertion - that the world needs financial aid. Although I don't think it's as cut and dry as it appears in the essay, I totally agree with your conclusion. And whether or not I agree doesn't matter. You did a good job of stating your opinion and using various things to support that opinion. Good job.

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: I suggest that you review this piece for grammatical and spelling errors. For instance, in the first sentence, "needs" is spelled incorrectly. In the second sentence, "he" should be "the". You also say in that sentence that the recession has made many people unemployed. I think it would be more concise to say that it has caused many people to lose their jobs. In the following sentence, "occurred" is spelled incorrectly. In that sentence, "therefore" should be set off with commas.

Speaking of the word "therefore", I think it is overused in this short essay. You used it three times in four paragraphs. I suggest considering changing at least one of them. In the third paragraph, you say "some didn't received the money they were owed." In the very next sentence, you say "They did receive the money they were owed." I would omit the sentence, because it directly contradicts the first one. Finally, in the last paragraph, I would change "over-precautious" to "overly cautious".

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this thought provoking essay. I enjoyed the read and look forward to reading more of your work.

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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