Hello NayNizzy, a very provocative poem about the affect of stress on a person. I enjoyed how you invited me into an experience that evoked all the senses. I come breathless to a place where I feel confused falling and wondering if I will ever hit the bottom. Time is racing with no end in sight.
Thoughts/feelings: It comes across as a journey into the embrace of death. I leave feeling caught in an aura of panic and dread.
Thanks for sharing. I only know I want to avoid all the stress that evoked this poem.
Hello Tina's Plotting, the tale hook me into sorting out what it would take for a man to jump into freezing water to their death. I came to the conclusion that he hit a woman and child who died, running away and coming to the same scene that would not leave him alone. Finally he can no longer escape and jumps into the same place where the accident happened.
Suggestions/thoughts: I struggled most with where the dialogue was going at the end when the man confesses and he moves his other leg toward planned destruction. I was left wondering if the policeman coaxing him was connected somehow with the members that were killed by the drunk. It is a tale worth telling. I think that the dialogue boundaries might be enhanced by sharing the qualities that set the main characters apart.
Thanks
Hello Sam, the poem/writing reads like a meaningful invitation into how to walk with some form of grief. There is the realization of putting a bucket list together and soon after the plan is upset. Life is fragile and in the end after surviving there is the realization that nothing could ever be the same.
Hello Bay, a deeply profound piece about a longing for silence and it's reward. Amidst the hustle and bustle of life there must be something that can connect with one and make them whole. It is not found in the shower, class, work or society. It is in the painful pleasure of silence one finds a place called home.
Thoughts/suggestions: I look at the issue of silence as it engages you and it feels like one is caught in a manner of doing something violent. One image with the red silence was in cutting oneself. Silence as a violent act is novel and deadly at the same time.
Hello you offer a very deep and inspiring piece all because of the tick tock of a clock. You stir in me the memories of my own past. It is hard not to grieve what could have been. There are times that I think that the best writers are the ones that never write best sellers, rather the ones that speak from the heart and share in an authentic way what leads me to the person I am today. Thanks!!
Hello flowing words, I am reminded of so many other sightings that did no offer the promise of a relationship. You capture well the embarrassment of being caught seeing someone and thinking one's hand is caught taking something out of the cookie jar. Unfortunately as you allude to, once caught it is hard to want to take the risk for it to happen again.
You left a comma and period dangling near the end.
I think it being so short it is looked at more intensely.
Thanks for sharing.
Hello Whitemorn, You spin a wonderful tale using poetic form to offer a lesson for people of all generations. A cowboy is feeling saddle sore and follows a tortoise to the place where he will be handsomely rewarded. It plays out like a Good Samaritan story with a country twang. One never knows how all the pieces of the puzzle of life come together. The only thing we know for sure is that in entering life's adventure we are richer then we were before we were willing to take the risk.
Thoughts: the tortoise is and interesting guide. I am not sure how the turtle in the white hat is programmed. Maybe that is part to the reason the tale can be spun. It has the feeling of the tortoise and the hare.
Thanks for sharing your story.
Hello Keaton, it hardly seems fair to have my socks blown off by something so profound. I like other things you have written because they make me think. I read this because it makes me wonder. My faith has been tested and I am tossed helter and skelter and there seems no end in sight. Maybe there is something better. I guess I need to know more about what this across the seven means!
Thanks, I was blessed. You have made my day in your own special way.
Hello Survivor, I enjoy reading your thoughts. I have been in my own kind of exile or late. I like the opening line. I am caught in a place where I can not move and maybe do not want to for what ever reason.
The most profound thought:
Is this metal breakable!!!?
You speak for me about battling my demons, so that I can overcome what is overcoming me.
thanks for sharing, your work is a blessing.
Thanks Tim for your gift of sharing.
In relation to you portion about the child's world, I think it would be more effective to talk about the endearing and rambunctious child, which seems to be more intimate in it's focus. Following that thought is the world of intimacy, which is stronger than isolation, even if I understand your intent to show the difference between being a child and adult. After sharing about intimacy you could leave out the word "of" to speak in a flowing way what this different world is like.
In relation to your depiction of the adult world you might share about how wayward adults must deal with consequences.
I am unsure of what you mean by deliberate vices maybe willful or volitional vices.
The roving hoard, could be likened to a pack of wolves.
Suddenly and justifiably these miscreants are found out.
And we are left clinging to memories of this unchanging, mundane and uninviting specter.
In the last line granting peace and serenity sounds a bit better
thanks for sharing!!!
Hello Tim, another masterful attempt at expressing what it means to know of God and want to share it with others. I will merely share some of my own thought about each stanza.
In the first stanza I think the word "suffering" speaks more about what is inadvertent. Collapse speaks more about what happens a physical happening.
I think you mean to talk about ineptitude without needing to perceive it. I already know you share your view point.
The last lines might define more clearly what castration means. Another words: "with an immediate.....
The second stanza:
No matter what the outcome or constant (maybe despair or frustration) exchange seems more nebulous.
I like the second lines sentiments very much. It could also read satisfaction without the extra word "undying" and I think we deserve. That is just my thought. I am not sure it improves on what you say.
beleaguered might best be written as broken heart. Beleaguered feels a bit weak.
The third stanza:
I think here it would be best to share perception as opposed to view. The word view leans on saying I know something you do not.
promising yet limited abilities seems to be more inclusive than "but"
Instead of conceptualize with seems more heady, you might offer the word perceive or even interpret, since you are not sure about meaning for self and others.
I love the depiction you offer of the Lord's chalice!!
For our unique and endearing or loving aim. The word qualifying sounds like a completion I long to win.
Thanks for sharing. I feel honored to receive your gift. I hope what I say can help.
God bless
Thanks thepenster for sharing lyrics to a favorite song. I like best that you allow me to enter the world of blue October and the creative expression that the group lets loose. I like opportunity to choose words that share my own struggle to love and be loved. The whole idea of having a key to every opening and the world ending in a party by the bay is a cause for celebration.
Suggestions/thoughts.
It would help to see the song in lines or script that make it easier for me to digest. Are there verses or stanzas or even a chorus. It seems all run together and it makes it hard for me to sort through. I would also like to know what makes it work for you.
Thanks for sharing. I am glad that you found something precious that you feel free to share with others.
Hello calcifer, there is lot of in depth expression about what it means to care and be cared about. I left your poem wondering about hope for the person who feels left out in the cold. My favorite lines:
no i didn't shed a tear
i didnt even manged to sob in fear
i only stared with mind unoccupied
to this place thats once full of pride
I experienced this as a struggle to deal with disability and it's burden.
suggestions/thoughts: As much as I liked your transparency and freedom in sharing I would like to see tense structure and typos shored up. In the above sentence for example: I didn't even manage to sob in fear. The poetry structure seemed to be very varied, maybe freeing for you. Sometimes it rhymes and other times it did not. Such are the things of life.
Thanks for sharing!! May it create a forum for dialogue for you and others who see peace and blessing.
Hello Snitsujl, I enjoyed the way you offered a template that works for you. I have been there and continue to wrestle with expressing in a fair way what I see and express it in ways that are meaningful to others. I have tried out many templates. I see in your own journey a desire to share impressions, favorite parts and corrections, keeping in mind that these are your thoughts and suggestions.
suggestions/thoughts: My favorite parts are your delineation of process. I am not as clear about what you mean by bullets. I am new to the writing world and I think of bullets as things that come out of a gun.
Thanks for sharing. I was blessed by what I read!
What a powerful redeeming expression of what love means for you. Some see an empty box, while you are able to transform it into a place for a broken heart, able to get on with life and encourage the beloved to get on with life. There is something spiritual in all this. I can love and be loved without a need to make over myself or another. Over time it makes sense. Maybe the token/ ring seemed to be it. A broken heart speaks louder about what could have been and will be. Good for you!!!!
It is a very provocative and curious piece Artesian. You find a way to feed the dynamic of seeing life in a mechanical (physiological way) and experience how the ordinary speaks in extraordinary ways. I just wonder if every thing has an answer. I guess that is what dullness means in this context. How can you sharpen a knife and skills if life is so dull?
Thanks for the reminders Rhychus. In the larger arena lies light the way to the ugliest road with cobblestones to hell. I enjoy reading how you embellish your plea for Truth with many apt descriptions of why lying does not work:
What of the occasional practice of an innocent white lie?
Surely such a common thing will not lead a soul to die,
Being knowledgeable of such worldly things are a baited trap,
A liar is an artisan whose sculpture is made of crap.
You know your craft well. By sharing about what does not work you open the way to seeing what does.
Thanks and God bless
Hello Azaleia, a tale of a romance gone wrong. Natalie thought she had loved Atlas and upon reflection she sees for herself that he cannot even hear his voice anymore. He was somehow distant and unreachable in a privacy kind of state. In the end is the dwelling of on the negative not being her choice. I would like you elaborate more on what this means.
The script makes your story hard to read.
Thanks for sharing.
Hello Carmen, How true, what we do not say has as much power as what we do. I like the opening line. It jumps out on me. I want to know more about what "soft" unspoken words means falling from broken hands. There is from that point a confession of hurt that can not be easily healed. As you say "mis under stand ing. In the course of brokenness is the hope of getting back to wholeness. Communication has been overloaded to the place of bursting. No matter what one says, no one seems to want to listen.
I like the words also crumbled dreams, needled by fear.
Is there a way out?
thanks and god bless
The letter packs quite a punch. There is no room for sitting on a fence and keeping at a distance. I enjoyed most of all the sharing of your heart. That shines through brightest. The title fits well with the story and letter that you write. You obviously are bitter, because of messages that provided groundwork to make a mess out of a persons life. I like in particular the phrase-"I was never going to accept, a bastard the came with blood a cold as the winter snow ball, a blood that mother earth was scared to accept, a blood that the million tears that followed it couldnât wash away, a blood that made my heart beat stop with life in it." I hear something original and unlike any trite saying I have heard before. The letter made it work. RIP mean return if possible. It is hard to let go of the hurt and at the same time harder to let go of the person God gave.
Suggestions/thoughts: I like the message. The format and spelling make me work awfully hard. Please make the letter in larger script so I can read it and watch out for typos and spelling. They take my eyes off the good writer you are.
God bless and thanks for sharing.
Kriswrter, I like the twang that flows without. It invites me to want to get down and be with who ever is playing and listening to the music. The title fits the theme about being my self. At times the misspellings detract from what you are working to accomplish whether on purpose of not. Words like brigde, fekt and refrian seem more careless than anything. I like the idea behind the song. I think your inattention to detail gets in the way of the good song that you have written.
Hello Bellal, a rather disturbing look at what happens when love goes wrong. In the opening you share about a poison that can kill at the end you offer up a tool of Aphrodite who will take whatever love there seemed to be turn to lust.
Love - The grandest lie.
And I'll tell you why.
It drags and degrades
With ragged charades
Of passionate bliss.
It laughs at that kiss.
It sends you friendly
Enemies
I left the poem wondering how I could be safe in my own love affairs. Trouble always seems afoot in the quest to love and be loved.
Sleep is what I need of late Betina Kroner. I enjoyed your tidbits about sleep and its essence. I like the idea of knowing peace as one drifts in and out of consciousness, even if there can be nightmares. I enjoyed most the employment of irony. It is longed after as an escape and yet just when we think we have what we need we realize it is only brief. And I guess that is why I need sleep.
I was touched by your renderings Brandiwyn. The song happens to be our favorite. I celebrate that music will always transcend time and generations. Amazing grace, What could be a better song to share with others that love will survive loss and lead others to discover this same truth for themselves. Thanks for you ditty. I can hear amazing grace as I finish typing.
You offer a heart wrenching analysis of what is happening whether people want to see it or not Whitemorn. I live in the Midwest and share your frustration. It is too easy to want to cover over places with something new rather than redeem what has been valued by all that live in a particular place. The part in your poem about the homeless man reeking of urine speaks the loudest. There is something that smells and all the flowery language and fancy building will not take away the stench. I know only to thank you for sharing. People will not deal with life unless they realize that it is dealing with them and will not go away until something is done about it (them).
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