Schnujo is Late to Lannister's (schnujo) Reviews

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

202

#4242591

Review of Sam and the Summer that Wouldn't Quit

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
Very adorable piece! I love this!

VERY CREATIVE DESCRIPTIONS!

Plot:
Summer won't go away so Silver Sam has to talk to Winter.

Style and Voice:
Sounds like a fable--well done!

Scene/Setting:
Houston

Characters:
Mostly Silver Sam, but sort of Winter and Summer and Night and some of the months of the year

Dialogue:
Natural and appropriate for this piece

Grammar and Mechanics:
"Well now, one summer down in Houston long before you or I was born, it was so hot and sunny that birds taking off in flight would burst into flames and fall, fully cooked to the ground." Pretty sure you need a comma after "Houston" and after "cooked." "...he did didn't say what, an idea already taken hold..." I'm pretty sure you need to erase the "did" just before the "didn't." "...as innevitable as the hand of God." Should be "inevitable." "But then by degrees the piece of Winter..." I think you need a comma after "then" and "degrees." "He called it, "air conditioning."" You don't need a comma here.

Suggestions:
"...a Jehovah’s Witness who came vangelicising to his porch..." Did you purposely use a word that wasn't a real word? Or did you mean "evangelizing?"

Favorite Part:
"Well now, one summer down in Houston long before you or I was born, it was so hot and sunny that birds taking off in flight would burst into flames and fall, fully cooked to the ground. Eggs came out of chickens hard boiled, and children went down to the lakes with butterfly nets to swoop up fish swimming in the steam." Nice intro! lol You've got some funny and creative stuff in there!

"September gave up and passed on early into October, and November was skipped altogether on account of it wanting to stay up North where it was cool. Then by December, the night up and went on strike, and the sun started shining 24/7." Hahahaha!!! Great sentences! Okay, I can't keep copying and pasting all my favorite parts or I'd just copy the whole thing. Suffice it to say, this is a great story with some wonderful descriptions and fantastic creativity! Great work!

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

FORUM

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

203

#4241158

Review of Who Goes There?

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Witch's House

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
Fun story--I hope that doesn't offend you. I really enjoyed it!

Style and Voice:
Appropriate for the piece

Scene/Setting:
Gas station and house

Characters:
Kathy and Jim and the girl at the gas station with references to Scott and three people chained to tables

Dialogue:
Natural

Grammar and Mechanics:
None noticed! Great work!

Suggestions:
If you went through the one marked "For Authorized Personnel Only," how was the other door marked that you decided to pick that one? I'm guessing you don't want to go this direction, but when you pee in a dream, sometimes it happens in real life...just saying...lol I've nearly peed myself before because of a dream and I have a friend who actually DID. Hahaha (I was more amused by her story than she was. lol) Or, she could be stopping to get the drink and decide to go to the bathroom too...so her bladder isn't super full and she's thus less likely to go in reality. (And no, I don't have a pee fetish. lol)

Favorite Part:
""Do you have a restroom?" I gazed anxiously at the disinterested cashier. This was the third place I had stopped, and if I didn't find a restroom soon, my next stop would be a department store to buy new jeans. For the millionth time, I regretted the Big Gulp that I had been drinking on my trip to my parents' house." I HATE THAT!!! It should be illegal to have a gas station without a public restroom! Good intro, btw! lol "...I was too scared to be insulted." Hahaha ""Did I hear my name?" My heart sank as I heard the all too familiar voice. I turned slowly, and my eyes didn't get past the apron before I started screaming again." Nice ending! lol Great work!

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

FORUM

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

204

#4241089

Review of My Name Is Mud

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Witch's House

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
This is an amazing piece! I LOVE IT!! GREAT WORK!!!

Style and Voice:
Appropriate for this piece

Scene/Setting:
school and home

Characters:
Wilma, Sister Collette, Wilma's grandpa, and Sister Mary Vincent

Dialogue:
Naturally funny

Grammar and Mechanics:
None noted--great work!

Suggestions:
You have this listed under Comedy, Experience, and Other. Isn't Children a genre on here? You should list that, too.

I suggest you add spaces between paragraphs for easier reading. If you type your stuff elsewhere first, it might take a bit of experimenting to figure out how to do it. I use Microsoft Word and it automatically makes an extra space between paragraphs when I hit enter, but it doesn't translate, so I hit enter twice and it does. It looks a bit weird on the page, but it transfers to WdC fine.

If you didn't use more paragraph spaces because you wanted to separate parts, you can use a few dashes or something in a row. That's just my suggestion.

Favorite Part:
"As a child growing up in the throes of Catholic education, I heard idioms and clichés used daily by the nuns who ruled the classroom with iron fists." Hahaha--and it's funny that you use the idiom and cliche about nuns when describing them as ruling with iron fists. Hahaha "The Sisters of St. Mary were dedicated to the task of forming good Christian ladies and gentlemen out of us little heathens." Hahaha This is some really great writing! "I burnt the midnight oil reading your essay papers last night until I was blue in the face." This whole idiom filled paragraph is just IMPRESSIVE! It was probably much harder for you to come up with than it was for her to come up with. lol “My name is Mudd, Sister.” Hysterical piece and great last line!!! I LOVED THIS!!!

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

FORUM

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

205

#4241078

Review of A Tribute to W.D.Welker,Jr.

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Witch's House

Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
What a beautiful tribute to your dad! I'm so glad I got to read it!!! Thank you for sharing it!!!

Plot:
N/A

Style and Voice:
This sounded like a historical essay rather than a personal letter, but I'm not sure what you were going for. I really like it as is because it will serve future generations very well!

Scene/Setting:
N/A

Characters:
N/A

Dialogue:
N/A

Grammar and Mechanics:
"W.D. "Dub" Welker,Jr. was born November 22, 1927, in Cape Girardeau, Mo..." There should be a space after "Welker," and "MO" should have the "O" capitalized also. "...graduate of Cape Central High School, Cape Girardeau, MO, In 1945." Don't capitalize "in." lol "Once while playing on the Capaha adult baseball team..." There should be a comma after "once." "...at his home in Chaffee, Mo, Sunday, April 24, 2016." You need a period after "2016." (And I'm VERY SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS!!! And for the loss of your sister!!! HOW HORRIBLE!!!)

Suggestions:
If you're going to list all seven siblings, you might as well include your father and say "from youngest to oldest" or vice versa or something. I'd like to know where he falls because this seems like a piece that is great for future generations of your family to read.

Technically, when you say things like "He was one of 8 children..." or "...shared 6 children," you should spell those numbers out, but whatever. It's a personal essay, not something you're submitting for judging, I assume. "He also served in the Missouri National Guard." You have dates for everything else. It would be nice to find out when that was and add it to this. You can contact the MO National Guard and they can direct you to how to find out if no one in your family remembers.

Favorite Part:
"...he didn't make the Cardinal team." WOW! How sad for him, but still, how awesome that he got to try out!!! Did his friends make it?

This whole thing was wonderful! He'd be so proud! Now I know what an amazing man he was, and by default, what an amazing woman you must be!

On an unrelated note, why do you auto-reward us 251 GPs instead of 250? Just curious...I'm assuming there's a really good reason and I'm about to get educated. lol

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

FORUM

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

206

#4241056

Review of An inspiring Christmas treat

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Witch's House

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
This is a sweet piece--thanks for sharing!

Plot:
Jasper find a surprise on Christmas morning

Style and Voice:
Appropriate for this piece

Scene/Setting:
Jasper's house on Christmas morning

Characters:
Jasper with mention of his estranged wife and obnoxious aunt as well as his Writersgang friends

Dialogue:
None, but it's not needed

Grammar and Mechanics:
In your title, "inspiring" and "treat" should both be capitalized. Also, in your blurb about the piece, you said, "Jasper gets a surprise of his lifetime" but technically, that should be "Jasper gets the surprise of his lifetime" because in theory, there's only one surprise of a lifetime.

"He had got used to this monotony..." That should be "gotten" instead of "got" here. "...with a puzzled expression and Lo Behold..." That should be "lo and behold" and it shouldn't be capitalized. "...a sudden rush of memories connected Christmas." I assume that should be "...connected to Christmas."

Suggestions:
Recheck your spacing between paragraphs when editing. Yours is a little erratic.

Favorite Part:
"He had slept late because he was chatting with his online friends on a writing website. They were the only family for him now." Funny and sad. Except my brother, I feel the same way and now that I'm being medically retired from the military, they're also my socialization. "As he stood watching the scene, dumbstruck, he felt as if the star on top of the tree winked at him and his throat became caught up emotion." Awww...that's so sweet. "Tears welled up in his eyes as he thought somewhere someone loved him and were encouraging him to start afresh." That's a nice ending...a bit creepy that strangers snuck into his house, but still, sweet and a lovely "feel-good" ending.

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

FORUM

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

207

#4240612

Review of AMEN TO THE WONDER YEARS?

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Witch's House

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
Interesting and creative idea. I'm impressed!

Plot:
A couple is moving after their kids are out of the house.

Style and Voice:
Things seemed bit weird at times, but that's because of trying to fit TV show titles into the piece. "...more than ready to begin living different happy days." That's an example of a place I feel it sounds weird because of the titles. But I'm still impressed with what you accomplished!

Characters:
The speaker and her husband; Rosanne; Kate and Allie, the daughters; the movers, Laverne and Shirley; the cab driver, Murphy Brown; Webster, the police officer; Charles, the doorman; with reference to B.J., Bear, and Mr. Belvedere

Dialogue:
There wasn't a lot, but it was done appropriately and none wasn't really needed.

Grammar and Mechanics:
Go through and edit your spacing between paragraphs. Sometimes there's a space and sometimes there isn't. "...a deluxe apartment in the sky was uneventful." You need a comma after "sky."

Suggestions:
I see you were trying to use names of TV shows. Were you supposed to use a certain number or certain ones? Was this for a specific contest or was this your own challenge? I'd like an intro or something at the end. Some people write in in grey to show that it's an intro and not an actual part of the story. I find this very useful and have started doing it for some of my pieces.

Favorite Part:
"The idea to move struck me like a wet mop or maybe it was my friend, Roseanne, actually trying to knock some sense into me." Interesting image--very distinct and unusual. Good choice. "I had hired a moving firm, B.J. and the Bear. Ideally, the bear wouldn't be pressed into service." Hahahaha Very funny! "I survived the hyper-ventilating and the accident-report paperwork." 38 80's sitcom titles? WOW! Impressive!!! I couldn't have done it! lol

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

FORUM

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

208

#4240605

Review of Merry Chrismouse!

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Witch's House

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
This is another great story from you filled with action and humor. You're a great writer!

Grammar and Mechanics:
"Four-year old Emily screamed...eight-year old sister, Sydney..." Those should be 'four-year-old" and "eight-year-old." When you put your story in WdC, be sure to check your spacing between paragraphs. It's erratic. ""He's so little and cute!"She squealed with delight..." You need a space before "she." ""Yeah, Pappa!" The catch of the day..." You mean, "yay" here. What you said was the informal yes. "...scrabbled towards the exit. 'Sydney hollered, "Nanna, shut the door!"" Erase the apostrophe before Sydney. "...a goalie's stance in front of it; a semi crouch." This should be a comma. You use a semi-colon when both are a complete sentence. Also, I'm pretty sure that should be "semi-crouch." "As she handed over a copy of 'Twas the Night Before Christmas, Sydney snuck one last peek." Book titles should be in italics.

Suggestions:
"Dust bunnies appeared to be larger, darker, and furry." I think you should end that with "furrier" instead...just my opinion. "As he dug deeper, Pappa's shadow, Sydney, cooed..." I feel like the "he" is a little unclear here. You have a whole lot of blank space at the end of your story. You might want to edit and just delete it. It's like you were going to put a picture and never did...or you accidentally rested on the Enter key for a moment. lol

Favorite Part:
"...around the kitchen my nimble nemesis led me..." I like your repeated use of alliteration! "Over the next few evenings, this bold mouse would saunter into my livingroom, uninvited, to check out my choice of television programming. I swear he smirked as I cursed and gave chase. Some people sweat on a Stairmaster or a treadmill; I had a wee, furry, fitness coach." You have such a humorous way with words!

I love it! "With his Tupperware trap ready in one hand, Pappa slowly slid the speaker away from the wall; muscles tensed. Eagle-eyed Emily redirected him, "No, he's over there."" Hahaha You're a really great writer!

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

FORUM

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

209

#4240493

Review of Cold, Eh?

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Witch's House

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:

Plot:

Style and Voice:

Scene/Setting:

Characters:

Dialogue:

Grammar and Mechanics:
"...mystery novels, ( movies too), we speak of..." Erase the space between the open parenthesis and "movies." " Wages , assets, and even memories may be frozen." Erase the space after "wages." "What ifs become ' when Hell freezes over'." I believe that should be "if's." Also, erase the space before when. "...icy temperatures; " I'm freezing my butt off", or..." Erase the space before "I'm." "Fate, in cahoots with gravity, ( and an icy parking lot), lured me into a slushy puddle." Erase the space before "and." "...until it's simply ' learning to drive in Canada, eh'?" Erase the space before "learning." "...coffee shops, ( like Timmy's), where we can defrost..." Erase the space before "like." "...in our pockets--- the Loonie and the Twoonie." When using hyphens as a dash in places that don't automatically make them (like on WdC), use two hyphens and no space before or after them (or between them, just to be clear lol). So, "...in our pockets--the Loonie..."
Suggestions:
"...'an icy stare', 'ice in their veins', 'blood runs cold'..." I'm not 100% sure what to do when using apostrophes here, nor am I sure what the rules are in Canada. In America, when using quotation marks (so, already two differences), you always put the comma inside the quotation marks. (I don't know about in Europe, but I know in America, the period also always goes inside, but in Europe, it varies with the sentence, like question marks and exclamation points.) ANYWAY, the main point is to say, those comma placements might not be right...or they might be--not sure. lol "...people who treat others with a 'cold shoulder'." The same goes for this sentence and others. "It's a frozen- with- fear -and- shock instance that renders a driver temporarily immobile." I'm not 100% sure what you're trying to do here, but I'd suggest, "It's a frozen-with-fear-and-shock instance..." or really I think, "It's a 'frozen with fear and shock' instance..."

Favorite Part:
"In our frigid climate, we are forced to identify people by the whites of their eyes." HAHAHA "Fate, in cahoots with gravity, ( and an icy parking lot), lured me into a slushy puddle." I really like your description here! "My butt and I were not lessened by this experience, instead this mishap has been frozen in my memory." Great connector to your topic! "Wages may be frozen, but fuel costs are not." Wonderful line! lol "...winning a lottery, becoming another American state, The Toronto Maple Leafs earning the Stanley Cup..." Do some Canadians really want to be part of America? Why? I would have thought they'd just laugh at us or be mad at us for all the problems we have/cause. Don't get me wrong, I love America and wouldn't want to be a citizen of any other country, but still, I'm surprised Canada feels that way. "Through it all, we shrug and say, "cold, eh?"" Great ending!

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

FORUM

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

210

#4240463

Review of Heads Up...You've Been Warned

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Witch's House

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
Funny story! I enjoyed this. But I'm pretty sure it didn't compare to being there. lol

Grammar and Mechanics:
"...a cantankerous rocking chair; it was absurd, it was ridiculous, it was funny." You separate full sentences with semi-colons, not commas, so I'm pretty sure you need one after "absurd" and "ridiculous" too. "Most of us were laughing so hard the tears obscured our vision; not my youngest granddaughter though." Since you use semi-colons to separate full sentences, I think this semi-colon should be a comma. "That look of utter incredulity.....there was definitely a disconnect..." There are only three periods in an ellipses. But good job not putting spaces before, during, or after them like a lot of folks do or capitalizing the "there" as I used to do.

"...enacting some crazy clue sort of like method acting?" There should be a comma after "clue." "Maybe there was wording such as ' adult discretion is advised' or 'play at your own risk'." Erase the space between the apostrophe and "adult."

Suggestions:
WdC does comma classes in the New Horizons section, if you're interested. But for the most part, your punctuation is a lot better than most.

"The rocking chair was not maimed." Unless this is how they would say this in your country, I'd recommend "The rocking chair was not harmed during this event" or maybe even "No rocking chairs were harmed during this event" as it's closer to what is at the end of movies, at least in America.

Favorite Part:
"The game has a timer, so it is fast-paced. With our mob it was soon rowdy with clues being shouted and laughter ringing off the walls." You make this sound like fun.

"Without provocation or even a bit of a warning, I was catapulted/ejected/shot/bucked/pitched forward onto the floor in a crumpled heap at his feet. I could never have foreseen that I'd be wedged under a cantankerous rocking chair; it was absurd, it was ridiculous, it was funny." I really love how you picked a bunch of words to describe the action and how you chose several sentences to describe how it looked. Genius! "I was most definitely wet, but my bladder is an Olympic athlete; superb muscle control." Hahaha--congratulations! Otherwise you'd have been doomed during this! lol

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

FORUM

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

211

#4240309

Review of I Don't Want To Be Married!

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Witch's House

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
Wonderful story about a little girl's first camping trip!

Grammar and Mechanics:
"The lyrics are: " fire's burning, fire's burning..."" Erase the space between the quotation marks and the first "fire's." "...in the gloaming, ( often sung as 'in the glowing'...}" erase the space between the parenthesis and "often." "No it sounds the same, but this merry means happy." There should be a comma after "no." "The five-year old logic..." You need a dash between "year" and "old." "Squirming into it she delighted in now understanding 'snug as a bug'." I'm pretty sure you need a comma after "it." "In whispers she questioned and marvelled everything..." I'm pretty sure you also need a comma after "whispers." Also, "marveled" is spelled wrong, unless that's a European spelling.

Suggestions:
I don't get your line spacing. The spaces between paragraphs are sometimes not there, but other times you basically separate out parts of sentences with a space before and after them. It seems to be the last line of most of the paragraphs, but even that isn't consistent. I don't get it. "God is night". If you're from Europe, this is correct. However, if you're from America, the period always goes inside the quotation marks, as does the comma. (I don't know about the comm in Europe.) In both Europe and America, the question mark and exclamation point can go inside or outside quotation marks, depending on usage. "...I enjoyed my third childhood..." What was your second childhood?

Favorite Part:
""Let's go!", she hollered as she pushed me towards the door." That part is really accurate about how a little kid would be. Great work! "The highlight of any Guide camp is the campfire." YES! I totally agree! Roasting marshmellows, telling ghost stories...well, maybe not with five-year-olds...lol "Immense shadow trees act as our sentinels while aromatic smoke spirals into the darkening night sky. The purple-black velvet cathedral shimmers with zillions of shimmering stars." Maybe I'm just cold, but I literally just got goosebumps when I read that. AMAZING imagery! Wonderful descriptions! "The lyrics are: " fire's burning, fire's burning, draw nearer, draw nearer, in the gloaming, in the gloaming, ( often sung as 'in the glowing', but,hey, this makes sense), come sing and be merry."" I like that you included the lyrics since I've never heard this song before. Thank you. "Syd bellowed, "Rolling over the pillows,"..." Hahaha! "All too soon it was time to retire and we sang our smoldering fire to sleep with 'Taps'." I really like this image and had forgotten that we did that too.

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

FORUM

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

212

#4239621

Review of Thanksgiving Massacre

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Witch's House

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
Very intriguing and interesting piece, well-written. Thanks for sharing!

Plot:
A college student comes home to find his family slaughtered.

Style and Voice:
They seemed natural and appropriate for this short story.

Scene/Setting:
The speaker's car, house, and hospital room

Characters:
The characters are the speaker, his "parents," his sister, and the dog, as well as his real father and a nurse.

Dialogue:
There was minimal dialogue, but more isn't needed.

Grammar and Mechanics:
"I won't, mom." Since you're using "mom" as her name, it should be capitalized. If you were just saying, "My mom worries," it's not.

Suggestions:
Great work! No suggestions.

Favorite Part:
"What do I have to be thankful for? The frozen pot pie I had for dinner? Or being unemployed with no hope of finding a job? Oh, wait, I know! I should be thankful I didn't go home to a bloodbath today. Because that's exactly what I did one year ago. I drove home from college and arrived to find my entire family drowning in blood. My name is Tyler Evans, and this is my story." WOW! What an OPENING!!! ""Around 300 miles to go," I said when I answered to save her the trouble of asking." How sweet.

"With my heart hammering in my throat..." I like this because most folks say their heart is hammering in their chest and they have a lump in their throat. But the lump could be your heart. I like it! "And dried cranberries. The color of blood. My family's blood..." Great description! Most folks wouldn't think of that, but after what he'd just been through, it was 100% natural! "His child wasn't there. I am that child. Paternity tests proved as much." EGAD! I really hope this isn't a true story! lol "I flirted with drug addiction, but I couldn't afford it." Okay, I have a lot of favorite parts, but I think that last line is my MOST favorite! lol

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

FORUM

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

213

#4239576

Review of The Meaning of Life

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Witch's House

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
This is a loving and well-written tribute to your mother! Excellent work!

Plot:
Wilma is struggling with her mother's dementia, perhaps in some ways, worse than her mother is at this point.

Style and Voice:
The style and voice seemed natural and appropriate for this short story.

Scene/Setting:
Mrs. Davison's nursing home room

Characters:
The speaker, her mother (Joyce Davison), Wilma (Mrs. Davison's daughter), with references to Mrs. Davison's husband, Cecil and to other children as well as doctors, Mrs. Davison's mother,

Dialogue:
There wasn't much, but it felt natural and appropriate for this piece.

Grammar and Mechanics:
None--as expected. lol

Suggestions:
None--great work! Sorry this review it mostly useless to you, though.

Favorite Part:
"She knew she was alive. She could see her chest rise and fall with the intake and expulsion of air. The mechanics of this involuntary action were beyond her understanding." Excellent opening...it really draws me in, though it equally makes me sad. "Her hearing was failing, but Joyce's face erupted in a toothless grin as her children’s laughter filled her ears. She felt the cool breeze from the open windows pass through the little house as she prepared supper for her family." This is sad, but also sweet. My dad's end was met with him struggling against imaginary people grabbing him and he was terrified at the darkness that was surrounding him and this assailants, even with the lights on. "In another life, Joyce was a beauty, once pictured in magazines of the 1940’s." WOW! You must be REALLY proud!

"There was a look of recognition, and Joyce was smiling. Wilma’s heart soared." I can't imagine the heartbreak of this life mixed with sporadic joy when she suddenly recognizes you. My grandmother who suffered like this towards the end was not "the nice one" so it didn't hurt so much. She freely said she didn't like us, so her not recognizing us was actually more a blessing. lol "Wilma listened to the story of the imagined visit of her long-dead father and wondered if it was, indeed, imagined. Maybe there’s a connection between the two worlds that only the demented can see, Wilma thought." I'm glad you explained your line of thinking further because at first I assumed it was an old memory. Maybe not.

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

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(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

214

#4239505

Review of Spirit and the Speed of Sound

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Witch's House

Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
I don't really read or write poetry, so I chose this essay. It's a lovely peace with an interesting take on music that I'd never really thought about. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

Grammar and Mechanics:
"The album is a collection of Native American tunes entitled, MANY BLESSINGS." Album titles should be in italics and not all capitalized (unless that's the way the title is written for that particular album. "The track that I am especially drawn to is called, A ROAD BEFORE US." For song titles, instead of capitalizing them, put them in quotation marks. "...music transcends messages to the spirit more quickly than any of the other senses." Music isn't a sense. Perhaps say that "listening" does it more quickly or maybe "than any other media." "...and experience that (spiritual) "road before us"." Unless you don't live in America (which I assume you do), the period always goes inside the quotation marks. The same for commas. Exclamation points and question marks vary, depending on the sentence. In Europe, periods also vary. I'm not sure about commas there. "I wore my Boze ear phones to listen and meditate, which gave me an enhanced listening opportunity." That's spelled "Bose" but I'm sure they'd forgive you given your statement about them. lol "...in his own (broken down) home...." Ellipses should only have three periods. "...he never thought existed.....at least for himself." Again, only three periods.

Suggestions:
I'd recommend you put spaces between paragraphs for easier readability. If you're bringing this over from a computer file, I find that double spacing helps it transition for me...just my two cents. lol If you don't want to add spaces, perhaps you'd consider indenting the first line of your paragraphs?

Favorite Part:
"The speed of sound." I really like this idea. "The sound becomes a visual and an experience beyond the third dimension." Wonderful description! Thank you!

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

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#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

215

#4239425

Review of Patterns

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
I realize this is an essay I'm reviewing and I'm using my short story template, but it was the closest thing I had. Sorry. But this is a wonderful essay that made ME wish I'd known your mom TOO! Great writing!

Style and Voice:
Seemed natural and appropriate

Characters:
the speaker, her mother, "the girls" and the driving instructor with reference to husbands, children, and grandchildren

Dialogue:
Seemed natural and appropriate

Grammar and Mechanics:
None noted

Suggestions:
"She was at least twenty years older to the one ..." Usually we are "...older than..." not "...older to..." at least in America.

Favorite Part:
"Every week her school offered instruction is some homely art, such as ironing a shirt." I really like this sentence. It amuses me and reminds me of how much times have changed--not necessarily for the better or worse, they're just different. "She left school at age thirteen and died at ninety-three, so she knit for at least eighty years." WOW! How awesome! I can't imagine the skills she had! "She taught knitting at the Girl's Club, and through evening classes, and when the evening classes ended, the ladies in those classes came to my house to drink tea and knit there." Wow--she REALLY had a passion for knitting and for passing that passion on...how wonderful! "The flummoxed look on the questioner's face was rewarding to see." Great sentence and especially great word--flummoxed! "They were part of a network, an extended family of people Mum somehow touched. None of us will ever forget her." What a wonderful ending!

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

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(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

216

#4239322

Review of Me And My Shadow Discover Jogging

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
This is one of the best pieces I've read in a bit! I LOVE THIS!!! Thanks for sharing your talent with us mere mortals!

Plot:
A person has a conversation with their shadow as they are about to embark on a new exercise routine.

Style and Voice:
The style and voice seemed natural and appropriate for this piece.

Scene/Setting:
Jogging with one's shadow

Characters:
A person and their shadow

Dialogue:
The dialogue was natural and appropriate for this short story. By the way, it was also super funny!

Grammar and Mechanics:
"Okay let's do this." I'm pretty sure you need a comma after "okay." "Shouldn't it be called jiggling?" I think you might benefit from ...ummm...I've forgotten the name suddenly... (I have a minor traumatic brain injury that causes trouble sometimes--sorry.) Anyway, I'm referring to those single quotation mark things you'd use inside another quote. I'd put them around "jiggling."

Suggestions:
"Oh, there's nothing between us; I know you." I don't get the part about there being nothing between them. Does the shadow mean they're connected? And if so, what does that have to do with the sweating? Maybe it's just me. lol

Favorite Part:
"Really, you're not wearing a parka? Maybe it's the angle back here, but you seem a bit broader in the beam." HAHAHAHA!!! That is SO AWESOME!!! At first I wasn't sure which was the shadow, but now I am and what a way to secure that knowledge! TOO FANTASTIC!!! "Whoa, this is jogging? Shouldn't it be called jiggling?" You're such a creative and hysterical writer! I love this piece!!! "By the way, you're a little flat-footed." Hahaha! "You never sit with me in the shade." Very creative comment!

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

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Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

217

#4238391

Review of A Simple Rescue

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Witch's House

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
What a sweet piece. I really like it and how it speaks to your wife's character!

Plot:
A wife is trying to talk her husband into helping his brother.

Style and Voice:
Is natural and appropriate here

Scene/Setting:
Their living room or den, I'd guess.

Characters:
Carla, the writer, and the writer's brother

Dialogue:
Flows naturally and appropriately in this piece.

Grammar and Mechanics:
"My wife Carla as the rescuer of everyone with me as her simpleton accomplice." If you have the space, there should be a comma after "wife" and "Carla" and I'm pretty sure after "everyone" also. You can also leave out her name in the intro and just use the comma after "everyone." "You don’t know him like I do Carla." You need a comma after "do." "He’s useless Carla." Again, you need a comma before "Carla." "Carla, my long suffering wife would not look at me." You need a comma after "wife." "...calm and at rest she pressed my hand..." You need a comma after "rest." "Where do think he wants the money sent..." I assume you left out the word "you" from this sentence.

Suggestions:
"She was broken and weary of a night filled with phone calls..." I'm not sure if "of" is grammatically correct here. I know "from" would work. There's a comma class available on WdC, if you're interested.

Favorite Part:
"Her sternness was her way of covering the empathy she experienced for all life forms." It's interesting that she feels a need to cover her empathy and that's an interesting cover. "Desperation is getting to him at last and I hope desperation takes him to the darkest edge of eternity and drops him off!." Wow! Powerful image here! I really like it, though it's disturbing. lol "The best part of who I was appeared in her loving gaze." That's one of the sweetest sentences I've ever read! AWWWW!!!

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

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Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

218

#4238364

Review of New Year's Ball

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Witch's House

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
Funny piece--I like this!

Plot:
Two con artists are conning each other.

Style and Voice:
Natural and appropriate for the piece.

Scene/Setting:
A New Year's Eve Ball

Characters:
Tammy and Jeff as well as an ambassador (the real one) and the host

Dialogue:
Natural and appropriate.

Grammar and Mechanics:
"...it didn’t.She stepped out cautiously..." You need a space here between "didn't" and "She." "They’d probably discover it soon… Thus, she was..." There shouldn't be a space between the ellipses and "thus" and "thus" shouldn't be capitalized. (I just recently learned this myself through Google. lol) "...get me outta this city… she thought." Again, no space. Also, I personally don't think you benefit from the ellipses here, but I can't deny you a stylistic choice. lol "Certainly Sir. This way…" I'm pretty sure you need a comma after "certainly." "...the suit looks like an important man’s…." You don't need a period after the ellipses. "She’s my….sister’s brother’s… wife’s… sister-in-law." Again, no space and no period after ellipses. "...we’re surviving.” Tammy nodded sympathetically." Tammy's nod should be in a separate paragraph.

Suggestions:
"A uniformed guard curtsied to her at the gate..." Guards usually don't curtsy. Also, I assume this is a female guard since it's a curtsy, not a bow? I'd expect a male if someone is trying to keep riffraff out, but way to be equal opportunity!

Favorite Part:
"She stepped out cautiously in her Jimmy Choo stilettos and trudged towards Mr. Antonio D’Silva’s palace, wearing an Ana Torres evening gown and an exquisite diamond neck-piece and, she was, well, stone-broke!" GREAT beginning--I'm already interested! "Before Tammy knew it, the woman grabbed her and gave her an air kiss." I've never seen a description written like this--great!

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

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Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

219

#4238358

Review of Fireworks On Fertile Ground

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Witch's House

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
Cute piece and creative idea--nice work!

Plot:
A description of worms enjoying fireworks.

Style and Voice:
Normal and natural during most of the piece.

Scene/Setting:
1907 fireworks display on July 4.

Characters:
Worms with reference to people

Dialogue:
There really isn't any, but none is needed.

Grammar and Mechanics:
"diligently everyone worked to provide a restful and relaxing area..." Capitalize "diligently" here, or put more words in front if you were in the middle of an idea. lol "...provided by others with out any work or expense..." "Without" should be one word here. "...we were aware of the existence of fire works." "Fireworks" should be two words here. "...the world was coming to its' end." I'm pretty sure that should just be "its" because that is already possessive. "These strange items although explosive and bright beyond our knowledge..." There should be a comma after "items." "Pop, bang, boom! then this was followed by colors..." Capitalize "then." "...the soil was very healthy and out dwellings..." I'm assuming that should be "...our dwellings..." "...the nutrients which is need for the trees and plants..." Two changes here--"...which are needed..."

Suggestions:
"...they were disturbing the natural ways of nature..." To me, this sounds weird. Consider saying something like "...the natural ways of the land..." or maybe "the earth"? What you said makes sense, I just think you could say it better. Also, is it just a stylistic choice? What's the point of the weird line breaks? I don't get it. It said "fiction" so I assumed that just meant short story but it's sort of laid out like a poem to me.

"...as if there had been a nuclear explosion." I don't think worms would know about nuclear explosions. How about the sun exploding? Just a suggestion. Why is this set in 1907? It's not when fireworks were first set off here since it talks about the worms finally just settling in to enjoy the show each year. Just wondering...

Favorite Part:
And, taking the chance of being discovered stealing
from the huge inhabitants of the higher elevations would result in execution by crushing or dismemberment." "...making excessive noise and
tramping over the ground like a herd of buffalo." Hahaha--too funny! I like that I couldn't guess what they were, but that it all makes sense in the end. At first I thought they were ants, then Indians, then ants again, but I never guessed worms. FUN! Thanks for writing this!

Oh, before I forget, I see you're a member of the disAbility Writer's Group. What are the requirements and responsibilities for that group? I'm a female Soldier getting medically discharged and your group interested me.

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

FORUM

(13+)
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#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

220

#4238285

Review of GRANDPA'S WATCH

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Witch's House

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
This is a very sweet story. Thank you for sharing it!

Plot:
The speaker remembers when their grandfather gave them his pocket watch.

Style and Voice:
Natural and appropriate for the piece

Characters:
Writer and her grandfather

Dialogue:
Minimal, but more isn't needed--well done dialogue.

Grammar and Mechanics:
"...how much he meant to me and how much he is loved." You are mixing present and past tense here. I get that you kind of need to mix tenses a little, but I think it's not necessary here. "...I faced the realization that he was dying. . I was one of the lucky ones..." I assume that's just an extra period and not an ellipsis that got left out. lol "No I would not think about that." You need a comma after "No." "...though wondering through time and all the years of love and memories..." I suspect you meant "...though wandering through time..." "...still beating in my memory." You accidentally left off the period at the end.

Suggestions:
None--lovely story!

Favorite Part:
"I was one of the lucky ones, I had my whole family intact. I never had to face the loss of a loved one, but now a moment I knew was part of life, was upon me and I was losing the most important person in my life." This reminds me of when my mom died. Part of me was very jealous that my best friend not only had both her parents, they'd both remarried (though she didn't like her step-dad). But then I realized that soon, except my brother (though no time soon as we're both pretty young), I wouldn't have any more family to lose (grandparents as well as aunts and uncles are all gone too), but she still had a whole world of heartache ahead of her. Then part of me felt terrible for her and why lies ahead. "I don’t remember how young I was when we started doing this, but I know it was an important time I celebrated since before my memory took hold of the things around me. I do know it was a moment that my grandfather and I held close and as simple as it was it meant so much to me." I LOVE this part! What wonderful memories!

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

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(13+)
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#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

221

#4238018

Review of The Arrival

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Witch's House

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
Interesting and well-written story. I really enjoyed it.

Plot:
Diamante is trying to excise a spirit from her daughter, Contessina.

Style and Voice:
Both the style and voice seem natural and appropriate for this piece.

Scene/Setting:
It starts in the twins bedroom, then moves to outside to a lake

Characters:
Diamante and her twin daughters, Chiara and Contessina

Dialogue:
It seems natural and appropriate for this piece.

Grammar and Mechanics:
"Diamante came running not moments later to the rescue." I'm not a grammar buff, but is that a dangling participle? It just sounds weird to me. I'd suggest "Diamante came running to the rescue not moments later."

Suggestions:
"...on the three streghe." Is this a fairly well-known being? If not, I'd suggest a little description telling what makes the different...just something you gently slip into the story here so as not to interrupt the flow. Does she tie the twine with webbed hands, does the blue moon make their red skin seem purple, etc.

Favorite Part:
"Screams enveloped the darkness of the twins’ modest bedroom." Great opening line--descriptive, creative, and enticing! "She simply stood there, frozen, staring at the wolf, and the wolf at her." I like how you wrote that instead of, "...they stared at each other" like I would have written. lol "Half the midnight sky turned to day." A very creative and powerful image here! Nice work!

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

FORUM

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

222

#4237973

Review of The Collector

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Witch's House

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
Interesting, though disturbing piece. I like the descriptions you give here...great images.

Plot:
Jimmy collects teeth and is collecting from a drug addict he kidnapped.

Style and Voice:
Appropriate for this piece

Scene/Setting:
Jimmy's basement

Characters:
Jimmy, Suzi, little boy from down the road, and the drug addict in his basement

Dialogue:
There isn't much, but it gives great insight into Jimmy.

Grammar and Mechanics:
"Mmmmm, Mr Smashy …." I assume you're from Europe and that's why you didn't put a comma after "Mr." Ellipses only need three periods (and not the final period after them) and there shouldn't be a space after "Smashy" and before the ellipses.

Suggestions:
"...and would spend hours sitting caressing it." Just my opinion, but I think a comma would go well after "sitting." My only real concern with this piece is how did he get Suzi's and the boy's teeth without getting caught to even get him started on this road?

Favorite Part:
"...as he navigated easily though inky stillness." Much better than "...as he walked though the dark..." like I might say. lol "After the first, he couldn’t fight the temptation for more." That's why I only buy small bags of chips--I know I'll indulge fully. It's the same thing, right? lol "The dull light of the lamp reflected off his dead brown eyes as he peered lustily at the contents." I like that you even describe the lamp's light here. "Mmmmm, Mr Smashy …." The thing I like best about this is it gives us insight into his level of education and intelligence. We're not talking about a genius here.

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

FORUM

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

223

#4237949

Review of Mansquatch

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Witch's House

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
This is an awesome piece! I'm SO GLAD I picked it! Great work!

Grammar and Mechanics:
"...choosing to work in “Office Buildings” and “Toll Booths”. Assuming you're from America, the period goes inside the quotation marks (as do all commas). Only question marks and exclamation points vary in placement, depending on usage. In Europe, the period also varies, depending on usage...not sure about commas. "...the Mansquatches preferred diet “Processed Food Stuffs”." I'm pretty sure you should use "Mansquatch's" instead of "Mansquatches" here since you're referring to something that is theirs, the preferred diet. Also, the period should, again, go on the inside. "However recent research indicates..." There should be a comma after "however." "...belong to a “House Hold” of which they are the head." "Household" is one word. "...ensnare a mate of their own accord it is now believed..." There should be a comma after "accord." "...enter into their family units not as Homo-Humongous but rather..." There should be commas after "units" and "Homo-Humongous." "...Social Behavioral Research in many years I have discovered that once the Homo-Normalis has taken his partner he then begins his journey..." There should be commas after "years" and "partner." "...a long poorly groomed Gho-tee or Van Dyke as is the more appropriate term." That should be spelled "goatee" and and there should be a comma after "Dyke." "...and a mutual respect has been formed they can be easy to interact with." I'm pretty sure you need a comma after "formed."

Suggestions:
"...“Dairy Queen” or perhaps the “Mac Donald’s”...I'm not really sure of the use of quotation marks through out the piece. I think just capitalization (even with "Office Buildings," etc.) would be fine, myself.

Favorite Part:
"A Practical Field Guide to Homo-Humongous
By Renowned Explorer Captain Monkey Hat"
Just the very beginning was totally awesome! I can't wait to get into the rest of it!
"Species: Homo-Sapiens
Class: Homo-Erectus
Sub Class: Homo-Humongous
Common Name: Mansquatch
Appearance: Moderately Tall, Heavily Built."
Like I'm in science class, except I'm enjoying it! lol
"Sightings of this creature in these areas are common and no cause for concern." Hahaha
"In what is being credited as one of the largest breakthroughs in the area of Social Behavioral Research in many years I have discovered that once the Homo-Normalis has taken his partner he then begins his journey to become Homo-Humongous. Totally awesome sentence!

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

FORUM

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

224

#4237888

Review of Baby Heat

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Witch's House

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
This is an enjoyable story, well written, and creative. Nice work! I especially appreciate the creative solution!

Plot:
A mother accidentally locks her son in the car in the Arizona heat.

Scene/Setting:
A deserted rest stop in Arizona

Characters:
Colin and his mother

Dialogue:
The dialogue was minimal, but well done.

Grammar and Mechanics:
"...Shannon’s six-month old son Colin was peering..." I'm pretty sure you need commas before and after Colin because if you take out the name, the sentence still makes perfect sense. "...as if to say, “where do you think you’re going without me?" "Where" should be capitalized here. "...looking for anything nearby that would help her situation" There needs to be a period after "situation." "The desert was inscrutable; revealing no sign..." I don't think you need a semi-colon here because I'm pretty sure you have to have full complete sentences for a semi-colon. "...she had to try something… anything." Don't put a space after the ellipses. "...hang it around her neck - as a reminder..." When using a dash in places (like WdC) that don't automatically turn two hyphens into a dash, just use the two hyphens. Also, there shouldn't be a space between the words and the dash.

Suggestions:
None--nice story.

Favorite Part:
“Colin, honey – Mommy will be right back. Just hang tight, sweetie.” That's a sweet part. I also appreciate that she's not acting all panicked right now...though that will probably come later. lol "As she sat in the stuffy, ill-smelling booth..." Nice description here. "Shannon climbed onto the hood of her car and scanned her surroundings, looking for anything nearby that would help her situation." Smart. I didn't think of that. "...get a spare key made and hang it around her neck..." I like that she's going to hang it around her neck instead of using a hide-a-key. I used to have one, but apparently I hit a bump and it fell off. Also, FYI, Colin will forever be susceptible to heat injuries now. The same goes for cold injuries if you ever get one of those. (But a heat injury, to my knowledge, does not make you susceptible to a cold injury and vice versa.) I like her idea of putting the rocks in a sock. I didn't think of that. I would have seen if the antenna could come unscrewed and tried to use the end of it to crack and then break the glass, but her (your) idea was a whole not better! Great work!

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

FORUM

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

225

#4236709

Review of Fantasy- Real World Magic

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
I realize this isn't a short story, but all I have is a poem and a short story template, so I'm using the short story one. Sorry. Plus, I was looking through your stories and I think your idea of a short story and my idea of a short story are really different. Your stories are either really, really long or really, really short. To find something of a good length to review for your anniversary and G.o.T., I found myself here. But you've written some really interesting articles! I sort of hate to only choose a couple.

Grammar and Mechanics:
"...have to make an important choice- where to set the story." I realize this was written a looong time ago, so you probably already know this, but when you are making a dash and don't have access to an official dash (such as on WdC), do two hyphens "--" and don't use a space before or after the hyphens. In the quote I pulled out, you had a space after the hyphen. "...will start picking apart you story and exposing its flaws." That should be "your story." "The reaction between characters is in my opinion the hardest bit to get right." You need commas after "is" and after "opinion." "...has complete dis regard for those around him." Should be "disregard" instead of "dis regard."

"Finally, after you have everything clear in your mind." That's an incomplete thought. "...Where you magical fantasy takes place..." Should be "where your." "...what is the normal guys response to the magical guy..." Should be "normal guy's response." "...how are you magicians limited..." Should be "your magicians." "...the world- though this is quite clichéd..." Should be "world--though." "...save a magical artefact and protect it- again clichéd." Unless that's the European spelling, "artifact" is spelled wrong. Also, use the double hyphen again with "it--again."

Suggestions:
None--great article!

Favorite Part:
"Authors can base the fantasy solely in the real world; this is my favourite approach." I realize this sounds dumb, but I never thought of that. The work of creating a whole world is part of what keeps me from writing fantasy. I've read about all the effort you have to put into and it just seems like more than I'd want to do and so instead of short-changing my world, I just don't do fantasy work. But you've come up with an option. Thanks! "The way the human and the non-human interact is the key to creating a successful, 'realistic', magical fantasy." Thanks for the tip...I'm feeling kind of dumb, yet learning a lot. I'm really glad I picked this essay/article to read/review.

"...without even a slither of a thought..." Interesting description. Did you mean "sliver"? "Slither" is interesting, though. "The reaction between characters is in my opinion the hardest bit to get right." Interesting...never gave it much thought, but you're right.

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

FORUM

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm