Hi,
Thank you for requesting your review from
The beginning.
You laid it all out there at once, didn't you? It sure will catch a readers attention, and it shows the raw emotion. Doing it that way shows the deep hurt the writer still feels, and readers will feel a connection. They won't have to have a similar experience to understand.
my father chose to do to himself and to me, yes to me.
If you used these three words in a sentence of their own, it would be stronger. The emotional value would be emphasized.
I was working as a Education Resource Leader and trainer in the preschool I worked for.
The sentence sounds awkward to me. Ending in a preposition usually will cause that. I suggest rewriting to tighten it up. Does all this info need to be there? Is it important enough? For instance, the preschool phrase? The goal is to try to lose the --for--at the end.
I got paid decent,
This needs clarity. Perhaps: I got decent pay,?
had a pretty three bedroom apartment that me and my girls loved.
Add a comma after --pretty,--
--my girls and I loved--
UNHAPPY
Using all capitals isn't popular.  To put emphasis on a word, consider using italics instead.
He lived through a childhood filled with poverty and abuse. He served in
I think using --He'd--would keep it clearly in the past.
I watched the man,
--man--is used so often that I began to expect it. It's distracting from the story. See if switching with --he,--or another word a little more often will fix it.
came back a whole man; both in mind and spirit.
Replace semi-colon with a comma.
It instructed me to make a (((URGENT)))
Change --a-- to --an--since urgent begins with a vowel.
from California where he raised his two children, both who stayed
The bolded phrase sounds awkward to me. Play around with it until it sounds smoother. I think --who both stayed-- or,--both of whom stayed--. Whom seems to be going out of style, but hasn't yet. If you can correctly place your words to use --who--, it will work.
a nightmare I had a few nights earlier
--I'd--had
The days after the phone call were a blur. I walked through the days following his death like a zombie.
The repetition is bumpy. See if cutting the bolded phrase smooths it out a little, changing the second --the days--to simply--them--
through --them--like a zombie. It says the same thing but a little sharper.
I flew to the funeral; numb
Replace the semi-colon with a comma.
I nodded at relatives who were offering condolences like the proper grieving daughter.
The words need rearranging to show the intent clearer. There are too many words between the --I nodded-- and --grieving daughter--. It confuses the point. I suggest keeping them together in one clause, and put the relatives line at either the beginning or the end.
I also suggest thinking about removing the word --proper--. It puts a negative tone there that I don't think you meant. But, it may just be my imagination too.
Reality had a hard time settling in. My soul just refused to digest
Can you begin a new paragraph here? This one is pretty long for online reading. Since it holds the questions she asked herself, I think it's an important area. It shouldn't be skimmed over by the readers. The questions are honest and relatable and important to her healing.
As they are, they're squeezed into the middle of a long passage and could be easily missed.
I wasn’t allowed to even hold his limp hand. I did not even get a chance to say my goodbyes.
These two lines could be combined together easily without losing the emotion. The repetition of --even-- and the lines being so similar slows it down. For instance: --I wasn't even allowed to hold his limp hand, nor say goodbye.--- Do what you think though, don't change anything if you don't feel it's right for the piece.
thinking that as he looked into that mirror with that gun propped under his chin; that he was alone
Try not to repeat a word so close.
but I know there will no answers
A missing word.
that I am not as strong as a disciplinarian as I should be
An extra word.
heal this hole in my heart. I know now that this hole can never be filled. He can have claim to that hole and I will continue
I point this repetition out so you can understand how it distracts the reader. Rewrite to eliminate what you can. Sometimes, combining current sentences will work, and othertimes you'll find a whole new sentence to say it clearer.
fills my heart with a love each time I look at her face
in my heart and let a light in again.
The bolded --a--in both lines are extra words.
memories I have over my his death.
Extra word.
I wish my dad did.
--had.--
He was my father. He was my only source of unconditional love. He was my mentor, my protector, my Daddy! Who would take care of me now? I felt so small. "You left me!" I screamed, finally collapsing into fits of jagged sobs.
These are good, emotional lines, and they are throughout the piece.
It's a good start. Personal pieces are difficult to write and to review, but I know you want this to be as good as possible. The biggest issue at this point is it feels like it's rambling, even though the focus actually stays on point pretty well. This is caused, I think, by a general looseness.
There are many uses of ''filler' words that take the attention away from the main point. Words such as --just and even-- often get in the way and distract the reader.
By cutting the extra words and repetition it will tighten it some, but I believe as you reread it again, each time will reveal areas that can be made sharper.
These issues get in the way of the tension and emotion, holding the reader back from being fully caught up in it. I know you're planning on continuing to work on it, and I know you'll do well.
Reading your work aloud from a printed copy is the best way to find a problem area. Use the trick of breaking up long paragraphs to enhance the imagery and emotion they contain. When paras are too long readers tend to skip most of it when read on bright monitors.
I hope the feedback helps this become the best it can be. It's an emotional, heart-breaking piece that has a lot of potential.
by esprit
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Another problem and a possible solution for you to think about.