HI,
I thought your poem was excellent. I enjoyed it very much. The only thing I would change about your poem is-
1. In the sixth line ..I would end it with nevermore...and start the next sentence with As...
2. In the eleventh line I would end it with forgettable and start the next sentence with A name.
. As it stands now, it's a little confusing to the reader how you want it o be read.
These are just suggestion and are by no means gospel. It is after all your work and your opinion is the only one that counts. Thanks for sharing. Taryn
Hi,
I am sure that in some point and time we all feel this way. I felt that your poem was really "matter off fact" with no real description of your feelings, pain or dreams. The only thing I think would make your poem better would be to expound on those. However,if this is how you wanted it , then please ignore that. I think your poem is great. Thank you for sharing. Taryn
Hi,
I thought your poem was very nice and sweet. Nicely written. I don't think there is anything I would change in this poem. Thank you for sharing and please keep writing! Taryn
HI,
This is a nice poem. I enjoyed it very much..There are a few things I would change, but the only one I will mention is in your second line. Beets should be spelled beats. Do a little overall final editing to make it perfect. A Lovely poem. Thanks for sharing and please keep writing! Taryn
Hi,
I thought your poem was great! I wouldn't change anything about it. It is obvious that you love and appreciate your girl. It is so refreshing to see that these days. I am sure she loves and appreciates you the same. I enjoyed reading your poem. Thanks for sharing. Taryn
Hi,
I enjoyed your poem. And you are right. The self imposed seperation from others that we seek is the sole reason why we are so lonely. Everyone is going thru great pains to not get hurt and yet in the process we are the reason why we hurt. Everybody feels the same. No one wants to be hurt, but we refuse to look outside of our own island. That is what I got out of your poem. I wouldn't change anything about it. I thought it was great. Thanks for sharing .Taryn
Hi,
Happy Anniversary!
Your poem has elements of desperation and hopelessness weaved all through it. But it also feels a little detached. I don't know if it's intentional or not. The detachment that I feel in this poem adds to that hopeless feeling I mentioned earlier.It's almost as if the author has stepped away from it all and is telling this from the sidelines and not the front lines. That is of course my opinion.
I liked your poem. It is simple and yet thought provoking. Thanks for sharing! Taryn
Hi,
I liked your poem, albeit very sad, and definately hearbreaking for the subjects. I cannot begin to imagine what goes on in the mind and heart of someone who is definately going to lose the one they love from something they cannot control. It has to be a very hopeless and destitute feeling. Having said all that, there are a few things that I would change.
1. I think there is a clear overuse of comas throught the poem. One way that helps me curve this problem is to write the poem out in regular sentences. It helps me decide how I want the flow to be and where my sentences should end rather than continue.
2.In line fifteen I would change the U to an I.. Because of the point of view already established in the poem, the only other you in the room has just died. No one else is privy to the scene, and the reader is a silent entity.
Other than that, I liked your poem. I am so sorry that you had to endure it that kind of pain. Thanks for sharing and God bless.
Taryn
Hi,
I liked your poem. I thought the rhyming and over all content was good. However, there are are a few things I would change.
1. In the second stanza, I would find another word to use to rhym with round. I think your options are boundless here. Around and round are almost the same word.
2. In the third stanza I think you should write "re-invent the wheel" since the wheel has already been invented.
3. In the third stanza, sixth line I think you have too many comas for that sentence. Personally I dont think it needs any comas.
Other than that I thought your poem was good. And of course as you know, this is just my opinion.....not gospel. God belss and thanks for sharing. Taryn
I like this poem Brit.
The hurt and pain are cleary evident in this poem. As is the resignation of the fact that the relationship is over and your feelings are not returned. I thought your poem was nicely written and I wouldn't change a thing. Thanks again for sharing. Taryn
Hi,
I enjoyed your poem very much. The imagery in this poem is vivid and clear, and very sad. The subject and the author of this letter are obviously very close...as close as any brothers could be. And for them to seperate for any reason would be heartbreaking. It is readily apparent that the author of the letter does not want to leave but feels it is necessary. Very well written. Thank you so much for sharing. Taryn
I thought was very sad. The baby girl is not allowed to participate in the lives of her siblings or them in hers. The depth of her sorrow is very evident. I hope this is not autobiographical..if it is...I am sorry, and hopefully you have replaced your sorrow with joy.
I liked your poem alot. Thank you for sharing.
Taryn
Girl, we have all been there! Don't worry though eventually he will be a distant memory. I thought your poem was well written. There isn't anything i would change. I liked your poem. Thanks for sharing. Taryn
Absutely LOVED this poem. So sweet and unusual coming from the point of view of a dog. I loved it...Have I said I loved it? lol Of course there is nothing I would change in this poem. To me it's perfect the way it is. Nice job. Taryn
This poem describes in great detail how it feels to have an anxiety attack. I have never had the misfortune to experience that, but you have explained it in a way that makes me feel like have. Aside from that, there are a few things I would change.
1. In the first line...I would change desperate to desperation.
2 In the thirteenth line I think you meant to put "here" instead of "her" .
3.In the sixteenth line I would put a comma after forth.
4.In the eight-teenth line I would put a comma or an and after focus.
Other than a few changes I thought your poem was really good. The imagery was outstanding. Please keep writing and thanks for sharing! Taryn
Hi, I liked your poem! It made me smile and laugh a little. I like having that reaction from a poem. There's nothing I would change about this poem. Really nice job. Please keep writing and sharing! Taryn
I enjoyed it a lot. I thought it as funny, especially at the end. And after I thought about it, somewhat sad. Say this really happened, what symbol would we want associated with our culture? Hopefully not an ef-off symbol...lol But then again, who am I to say..the middle finger is pretty self explanatory...lol Nicely written, good job, and thanks for sharing. Taryn
Lovely! The imagery in this poem was excellent. I felt like I was the one experiencing serenity. I dont really care for the lay out of the poem. I am not quite sure what the layout is meant to convey, but aside from that, I have to say this poem is one of my favorites on this site. Nicely written, please keep sharing! Taryn
Losing someone close to us is always hard. I'm not sure when you lost her, but I am sorry you did. Feeling that she is near helps with the pain, even though it never really goes away. Your poem is very sweet,short and to the point. Your love for your grandmother is evident. Please keep writing, and thank you so much for sharing! Taryn
I liked your poem.The subject of this poem sounds almost passive. Like he has given up on his wish to fly; at the same time reattempting to try, even though he knows he will not succeed. Kind of sad really. I would wish that at the end of the poem he sees that he is just about to realize his dream, but leave it open for the reader to decide if he makes it or not...just my opinion...lol Anyway, the only thing I would change would be the last sentence. I would exchange"be" for "is". I just think , besides proper english, that it would sound better. But that is just me. Oveall I think your poem was well written. Thanks for sharing. And please, write on! Taryn
I enjoyed your poem. It was niceley written. I wouldnt change anything except in the seventh stanza i would exchange "in the promise they made"to is the promise they made...but that is just my personal opinion. As I said, I enjoyed your poem, nicely written. Please continue to write and share. Taryn
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