Quick-Quill's (thekindred) Reviews

Review Requests: ON
1,502 Public Reviews Given
1,964 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I have a form I use for reviews. I look for a Goal, Motivation, Conflict and Resolution. It also allows me to tell what I liked and what I thinks needs improving. In my reviews I may make suggestions by adding my take on what the author is trying to say. Purely a suggestion to take or leave as needed.
I'm good at...
Giving in depth and fair reviews. I usually review stories that interest me. I don't always like them but they have promise and potential. I am fair but I AM reviewing. I do not review grammar or spelling. I do point out past and present tenses as well as the over use of WAS, WENT, THE and THAT in one story so watch those.
Favorite Genres
inspirational, mystery,action/Adventure, paranormal and anything that falls into those broad genre, some fantasy and comedy
Least Favorite Genres
Vampires,YA or adult. This genre is overrated and unless you write much better than Steph Meyer, I probably won't read it. Most Non-fiction unless the premise interest me. Always worth an ask.
Favorite Item Types
Everything in the STATIC file except the ones listed below: Look down
Least Favorite Item Types
Appendix, bulletin, campfire, in n out, editorial,letter/memo, lyrics, outline, preface, script/play, Poetry.
I will not review...
Poetry. I don't understand this style and don't feel confident to review it. Novel or novella, I reserve the right to refuse to review. Not to hurt feelings, but time wise it may be something I can't give good attention to, but always ask.
Public Reviews
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Review of A Flower for Every Corpse(RAW Prologue)  

Review by thekindredMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Dear Writer,

*Heart*I am a student of the Rockin' Reviewers. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion. *Reading*

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: It started with action. Immediately you knew something was wrong.The bullets that previously hummed by and gash on her cheek had become dry and crusted and worst of all her teeth were all gone, chips and pieces still lining her mouth The action doesn't stop. You have a great start to an action story! (Check your sentance structure here)

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character?
A single tear trickled down her cheek as she leaned against the car unable to even call out for help. She has been running away from someone, but at this time we do not know where to or why.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? She awoke strapped to a chair. Metal braces secured her hands and feet in place, the bolts digging their way into her flesh She is recaptured and must endure more torture. Later we find she has been infected. The conflicts just get more intense and leave many questions which intices the reader to continue.

*Pencil* Resolution: None as this is a beginning but the hook at the end of the piece is just that. It really leads the reader to want to continue

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? No character building. removed her stark white lab coat letting it float carefully to the ground. we now know she is a Doctor or works in some kind of laboratory. She must be smart and has a strong will.

*Pencil* What do I think needs work:
A few things didn't work for me. IF they were shooting at her so that the bullets buzzed by, how could they have missed hitting her? I doubt they would send untrained men to get her, so I think you need to fix this. There has to be a reason she wasn't hit. She knew the area better than they did. She heard the bullets bouncing around her as she moved from building to ruined building. Now there is a little more info about the setting you didn't give us.
If her teeth had all been broken the pain she would be in would be almost mind numbing. Another thing you might think about, is being stabbed with a needle. I have to give myself a shot once a month. Even after years there is a prick going in but no pain coming out. Do a little study here. They would not need a thick needle if it is going into a human. It needn't be long if it is going into her calf, they want it to take effect quickly, so a short thin needle would dispurse the drug quickly.
Here is one other detail that made me go HMM. If she was bolted to a chair, how did he get her lab coat off? Maybe before they put her in the chair? or maybe they cut it off? Why did he let it "float carefully?" This is an act of politness? What you described was act of terrorism, there was nothing "nice" in their previous actions.

I think a little more about the setting could be interspersed in the story by just having the characters looking, touching, moving things in the room. I realize you don't want to give too much away, but little hints give the reader some reference to the setting. Future? presant, past?


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Review of Are you sure you are going to Heaven?  

Review by thekindredMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
AMEN! I can't change a thing and I stand right along side of you to ask the same question. When I get resistance about my firm beliefs I ask "Can you afford to be wrong?"
I can. If there is no God, heaven or hell, I have lived a great life with a supernatural supporter. However, If you are wrong and you have not asked Jesus to be your personal savior and there is a consequence to this action of spending eternity in hell, what are you going to do about it?
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Review of My Son, the Little Preacher Man  

Review by thekindredMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This is too precious! I honestly hope you will be able to keep your membership. This story is priceless. However it reminds me of a story my mother-in-law told me about my husband and his sisters. We have alters in our church and pray aloud (in the old days more so than now) But there was one gentleman in the church that would rock back and forth as he prayed.
One afternoon the 3 children were playing church in the back yard. My M-I-L looked outside to see her son (my husband) giving the alter call then kneeling at the bench and praying out loud, more like howling and rocking back and forth. My blessed M-I-L rushed out and gathered the kids inside, wondering what the neighbors thought about our church!! *Bigsmile*
I love Kaleb and look forward to reading more about this little saint of God.
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Review of Infected  

Review by thekindredMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Kittygirl,
*Heart*I am a student of the Rockin' Reviewers. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion. *Reading*

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: Everything!! You have a great story here. I loved the plot, the imagery I will tell more below. This is an A1 story with a little tweaking. You need to post this in a contest or just for more reviews.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? Kera needs to get to the safety of Jamie's office.
"She had to make it to Jamie’s office. She had to get out of the flow of foot traffic and away from all of these infected people. Clutching at her side she willed herself to sprint the remaining two blocks." We see the intensity and drive to get somewhere safe away from those who are infected.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? Kera sees something in people that others do not see. You didn't explain what it is, but we get the point that it represents evil.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? she can't look at people because she see this Dark Matter in almost everyone she meets. The intensity of the Dark Matter can either be ignored by her or it makes the person more aggressive toward Kera.

*Pencil* Resolution: She is totally tricked and committed to a mental hospital.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story We see Kera's personality, her fears and then what the issue was. We see the possible injustice of what Jamie determined her problem.



*Pencil* What do I think needs work:
“No, leave me alone.” Kera stuttered as she stumbled away. Fear tied a hot knot in the pit of her stomach. Pulling out her bottle of pills she quickly swallowed two. They scratched her throat as they went down dry. - I wondered after reading to the end if the drugs were causing the problem. I would rather see her as having ESP and seeing the "bad" in each person revealed than believing that some experimental drug was causing this. Just my thoughts.
Really there wasn't much in the story I didn't like. It was a wonderful, visual depicting of Kera and her problem. A great twist at the end. Good job!



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Review of A Beautiful Nightmare  

Review by thekindredMail Icon
In affiliation with Legacy Bank  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Elizabeth,!
I just finished reading your posting and I would like to offer this review of my humble opinion. I hope that you will find it helpful.

Overall Review: This entire piece was very confusing. I couldn't find a goal for the main character. Even a nightmare while it maybe odd and confusing in real life, to be a story there has to be a beginning middle and ending. I could find none.

We meet Vanessa in a dream state. We are told back story, that she was a slave and escaped her captors being pushed off a cliff into water by her friend Allison. We know that life as a slave was hard. She escaped and arrived at a quaint town. From there the loose ends of the story are never tied. Except that at sometime Vanessa and Joshua picked apples and when she awoke there was an apple on her dresser.

What I Liked: I really think you have the bare bones of a good story line. You need to take the pieces of this story apart and put them back together from the beginning of her life. It would make a great scary story. You left enough blanks to be filled in with more characters situations.

What Needs Work: "No sound, no nothing, and he was there." No nothing is a double negative. Leave out the "no" and describe another "nothing" light? wind? air?
I suggest you take this story and ask what is the Vanessa's goal? what is motivating her to reach that goal and what conflicts (joshua?) does she have trying that keep her from the goal? What is the resolution? I could not answer any of these questions in this piece.
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Review of The Prophet (2nd Place)  

Review by thekindredMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear B,

This comes as my opinion and is not meant as a criticism of the writer. Please accept my comments offered in kindness. You may do what you wish with them.



*Quill*Characters: A mechanic, whose name is never mentioned, not even by Amy the office girl. The other, a man with odd looks and actions. The mechanic develops from a casual onlooker, one that is somewhat sympathetic,“Yeah!” My fists clenched at the display of unnecessary force. “You get out of here!” I screamed. “Quit picking on an old woman!” to one that followed the rest of the crowd and berated him. “Hey, buddy. What’s the deal? Didn’t you get enough flack this morning? Get off the street!” My voice fell deaf[t]ly upon the multiple shouts. The progression follows what happens to most people when the mass moves to a certain persuasion. Yet at the end, the realization of what might have been convicts the mechanic and he is condemned.

*Quill* Point Of View:Stays consistent. We are observers of the actions and hear only the mechanic's mind.

*Quill*Plot:A mechanic gets wounded in the process of his job and wants to have a quiet evening after a particular challenging day. Through out the day he is an observer of a strange man with even stranger actions. Each time he encounters the man and his consistent weirdness, his reaction changes. In the end he comes to realize that his perceptions may have been way off base and he should have been more lenient in his reactions. He was rewarded in spite of his actions.

*Quill*Pace:A bit slow at times, not as crisp as it could have been, but it worked well in setting up the action and follow-up.

*Quill*My Overall Impression:I liked the story. I am a sucker for stories with a ethereal meaning. I want a parable and I immediately looked for a bigger story with the introduction of the strange man. You gave him all the elements of someone we have seen or heard of and the reader then has expectations. You fulfilled them. I was pretty sure what the end was going to be and I was not disappointed.

*Quill*What Needs Work:We don't have the mechanic's name. He is a bit of a nameless body walking and talking, but it works. I love story so that bit wouldn't detract for me. I didn't notice it until I started filling this out and looked for a name.
“What?” A professional woman with two of her girlfriends in the booth to my left said. This did not work for me. I didn't need this much information and why would a mechanic make this observation?
She turned and stuck the microphone into the professional woman in the booth’s face who, unknown to me, had emerged from Mickie’s and stood behind me. This read odd to me.The sentence is choppy. It also sounds like she stuck the microphone INTO the woman's face like a cartoon. You might want to rework that sentence.
'She turned to the next person who came out of the diner. It was one of the two women in the booth he had stood next to. He waited to see what her reaction would be.'
The last thing that bothered me was the man's drowning. Normally anyone who jumps or falls into water and sinks will have some of the people following him jumping in to save him. They would not just LET him drown. However, people will stop and have a discussion about what he was doing and if he was going to come back up. When he doesn't there will be men who will jump in and save him. The fact you just said he drown left me confused. How could he drown with all those people and media there? It just wouldn't happen. I also did not see the purpose if him committing suicide. That seemed at odds with the result of the mechanic's healing. I would rather him have been in an accident due to those around him not observing the traffic rules. Possibly others were hurt but not as bad and him dying was in place of someone else, a child perhaps. More in line with the actions of a strange man who marches to a different beat yet conforms to the inner beliefs of most people.


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Review of Working the System (2nd Place)  

Review by thekindredMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear B,

This comes as my opinion and is not meant as a criticism of the writer. Please accept my comments offered in kindness. You may do what you wish with them.



*Quill*Characters: Vince an astronaut,his pet a hamster and Mr. Kruger a Federal bureaucrat are the characters in this story. We know the astronaut is a master manipulator and the bureaucrat is a typical civil servant. Otherwise known to most as an idiot. As the story develops we see the personalities of both men revealed. The hamster is a silent partner.


*Quill*Plot:Vince is trying to convince Mr. Kruger to allow his pet hamster to join him on a space flight. Mr. Kruger is against it and states the usual falderal of regulations. Vince trumps his opposition with a tactic that pins Mr. Kruger to the wall and cannot not refute it because of his own need or greed. Thus the astronaut wins and the hamster gains the rest of his short life traveling.

*Quill*Pace:Very well done. Executed with precision and few words. The escalation to the climax was swift and left the reader with a chuckle that burst forth without restraint.

*Quill*My Overall Impression: I loved it all. I especially loved the fact that in a few words, the devotion to a pet and the rapier whit and mechanism of Vince overwhelmed the stereotypical government lackey.
"You understand it would be a violation if you mentioned this to the board? I was not supposed to divulge it.”
The words painted a perfect picture of the office and position Mr. Kruger thought he held. It also shows that conceit and self possession will be the downfall of anyone. It took me immediately to the movie The Office I could see this man in one of those positions.

*Quill*What Needs Work: Nothing. The ability to present a goal, insert a conflict and set a resolution that is unexpected is a talent. I will look forward to reading more.


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Review of Recipe for Vampire  

Review by thekindredMail Icon
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear EvilDawg

This comes as my opinion and is not meant as a criticism of the writer. Please accept my comments offered in kindness. You may do what you wish with them.



*Quill*Characters:Evan took Lana to dinner at a dive.
" Evan glanced over his shoulder and could smell the foul breath of the hulking biker."
" she said as she kicked her chair back with enough force to slam into the vacant table behind her."
" Evan was visibly shaking, but he tried to keep up tough appearances for his young date; which proved to be unnecessary."

*Quill* Point Of View: the reader is watching the action and it stays consistent throughout.

*Quill*Plot: Two lovers were on a date. They were accosted by a biker dude and his posse. When Evan would try to make peace, Lana jumped up and answered the challenge herself.

*Quill*Pace:Moved from calm to challenge, to conflict then resolution very smoothly and well done.

*Quill*My Overall Impression: Great story. I like the gradual pace to the end. The biker dude was arrogant confrontational. Lana answers the challenge with one of her own and became the winner.


*Quill*What Needs Work:Nothing with the story line. This was just a little bothering to me.
"The biker and his gang fell on the floor, writhing in agony as the globe pulsed light to every corner of the restaurant." There was no explanation to why Evan was not effected by the light and he didn't question it. Also, what happened to the others in the Pub? This was just a little bothering to me.
Other than that I really enjoyed the story and you used the prompts very well.


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Review of The Ice Warrior  

Review by thekindredMail Icon
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Dear pontif

This comes as my opinion and is not meant as a criticism of the writer. Please accept my comments offered in kindness. You may do what you wish with them.



*Quill*Characters: You have great characters, well defined, good emotion and connectivity. We see both the giant and Jeremiah. We see their desires and goals. Good job

*Quill* Point Of View:I didn't see any problems here.

*Quill*Plot:Jeremiah needs money, giant has money (don't know how J. knew that though.) Jeremiah steals the money, just enough for the present problem.

*Quill*Pace:Good beginning then lost pace at end. A rush to finish. My guess there was a WC limit.

*Quill*My Overall Impression:Very good start to a story. Jeremiah has a goal,He is motivated by the lack of money. The giant and weather are the conflict. All is well in the end.

*Quill*What Needs Work:You have Jeremiah's goal and motivation. If you plan to keep this in your port you need to fix some things and expand the story. How did he know there would be money in the cave?
What did his wife unbuttoning her dress have to do with anything? Not appropriate for this story as it did nothing to further the goal.
From there on the story fell apart. Nothing was realistic. He ate all the other children, There has to be something about the little girl that makes him stop. She feinted then he tried to talk to her. If she saw him eating all the other children she would have been screaming as the other children were and why did no one hear them? This paragraph has some major grammar problems. Please read it aloud.
I like that Jeremiah is missing his daughter, have you witnessed lost children? No parent sleeps, the whole village would be up looking. Jeremiah would feel worse because he has an idea where they are. Eaten and he is just sick. My suggestion is he gets the group of village men to go to the cave, but the Giant scares the men away. But Jeremiah sees the female giant holding something in her arms that looks like his daughter's dress.
When the girl is allowed to return to the village there is anger at why she was not killed. Was she a witch that put a spell on the Giant to let her go after all the others were killed?
See? in the middle of a kind gesture, humans think the worst and have to put blame on something. Since they are afraid of the Giant and can not control him, they blame Jeremiah and his family and want to kill all of them. Just an idea. You may or may not like it at all.


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Review of publishing path  

Review by thekindredMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This was interesting. I thought that the agent's job was to find you a publisher. I guess I might have to look at finding an agent and publisher.
This poll show where people think. I am not at all sure that the ones who have chosen to do both are right, but it is worth looking at when I get to that point.
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Review of The Last Words I Heard  

Review by thekindredMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This comes as my opinion and is not meant as a criticism of the writer. Please accept my comments offered in kindness. You may do what you wish with them.

Characters: Not a lot of detail about the girl, her age or anything about her. The killer and mother are also distant.

Point Of View:You kept to the POV through out the story. I didn't seen any blatant changes

Plot:A girl hears a noise, the door to the outside opens and she goes to investigate. She is murdered in her mother's presence.

Pace:It moved quickly and kept a fast pace through out.

My Overall Impression:There are too many questions left unanswered. I understand this is a moment in time, but the act of killing someone needs a motive. I think you have ability to tell a good story it just needs format.

What Needs Work:There is no motive, there is not goal and the murder was a finality to something outside the readers view. You have all the elements, but in this story they do not add up to murder.
Every story needs a goal, motivation, some conflict and a resolution This had just the last two

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Review of What Type of Horror Story do you like?  

Review by thekindredMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Great Poll! I like Ghost stories over actual Horror. I don't like horror movies. I am sick and tired of vampire movies. I love watching the Paranormal State and Ghost Hunters Intl and the others. I do not believe in "ghosts" like they are hunting, but I love seeing them get their buts kicked by the spirits. If you search for them, they will come!
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Review of Why! Why! Why!  

Review by thekindredMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a good poll. But what you left out was "other" I truly believe that these men are afraid of the expectations of women. Over the years women's culture has been open and informative. We expect men to PLEASE us and berate or are disappointed when we are not. The same goes for women. Most are less than attractive or have issues that they feel are only accepted by other women who understand them.
Both genders have VERY FEW that are actually bi gender. Those I can excuse. The rest are just maladjusted people who want to whine about not being accepted. Sorry for the rant
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Review of Companionship  

Review by thekindredMail Icon
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This comes as my opinion and is not meant as a criticism of the writer. Please accept my comments offered in kindness. You may do what you wish with them.

Characters: Raneor and his small dragon (I am guessing) Thanor.You asked for Character definition. You do more telling than showing. Your actions are told to us. You might show the actions more by emotion, feeling. Just an example: In the second paragraph you describe the way he talks to people. You might say "His size and color were deceptive. At times he would surprise on lookers when he spoke from he perch on Raneor's shoulder." There are others like this and you can decide if you want to change them.

Point Of View:kept to the POV through out

Plot:Just a moment in time,

Pace:good style and you don't put tags with every conversation change, but keeping it simple it is easy to follow

My Overall Impression:Interesting, but no goal or motivation to entice the reader to continue. I like the ending line! You have given the Wizard humor and his little dragon as the straight man. Good choice, Many have done the opposite. I love it!

What Needs Work: small points: if Thanor is on his shoulder how can the point of Raneor's hat poke him. Maybe the BRIM of the pointed hat. Now we have a definite picture to correlate to.
Then you tell us about the stench before they see it. We don't need to know about it until they do.
It lumbered and attacked, but there is nothing to tell us what made the arm explode and the subsequent actions.

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Review of The Lost Writer  

Review by thekindredMail Icon
In affiliation with Legacy Bank  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Cute story. At one time I was thinking it was a euphemism for someone with writer's block. This is what I got out of the story. He was writing and had to search through his bank of memories for something that would help him write, ergo save the damsel. Then as all "dreams" go there are odd things from our files that pop up to intrude, like a dead woman, ripped out chest, but there is still breath. Then being shot by the woman and finding that the writing has saved the man.

This is my perspective of your story. If there was some other purpose I did not get it, but I sure liked my version. It made the ending more pleasant for me.
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Review of A fresh start  

Review by thekindredMail Icon
In affiliation with Legacy Bank  
Rated: E | (4.0)
You do a lot of telling from someone else's view point. who is the person that is observing everything and telling this story? Is this person looking back at what happened or telling as it happens? What is the relation to Vanessa and Clara.

I am curious what is the goal of Vanessa? Has she rented this house sight unseen? If she bought it, she never saw it? I am supposing there is going to be something sinister about the house. Why would she be calmed looking into a pane of colored glass? Was there a light in the room that reveals the design, otherwise it will look dark and the design is indistinguishable? I would say one thing. women are curious, she would have looked the house all over before she even began to unpack. Then seeing the window as she leaves, she would picture where it would be in the house. There was no room there. If there was a light she would be too curious not to go and find out where the light came from. If she is in a hurry, she would think about while she was out. This will give a lead into what she is going to do when she gets home. This also leads into the suspense of what is going on in the house when she is gone. That is if that is where the story will lead.
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Review of Father and Son  

Review by thekindredMail Icon
In affiliation with Legacy Bank  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A good start. I would rather you start this whole thing at What Happened was...
If this is going to be a longer piece then the above can be dropped into the story as he is sitting and waiting for the principle. How about have a conversation between him and Mel and she ends up finding out more about his feelings than the father or a principle does. The principle might get called out on an emergency and he has a reprieve..
I like what you have going. You have a good handle on the dialogue and the tags are informative.
At twelve if he hadn't heard swear words in his home he wouldn't say it with out a bit of regret. His mother might have washed his mouth with soap, his dad doesn't seem to care what he says so he says a few other words in his head just or practice.

I think you have a great start, don't stop.
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Review of The Burden  

Review by thekindredMail Icon
In affiliation with Legacy Bank  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Heart* Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion. *Reading*

*Flower4* What is the goal of the main Character? mariel needs to find the truth of the amulet and which of the two men with her is telling the truth.

*Gift1* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? Her mother died and many incidents cause her to question her childhood and her future. she seeks the truth

*Balloon5* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?there are two men who tell her opposite stories and she doesn't know who to believe.

*Balloon4* Resolution: This reads like the first chapter of a book, there is no real resolution, only a transition to the next chapter

*Balloon4* Do the characters develop in this story? Somewhat. We see the descriptions of the characters and some of their actions tell us a little of what kind of people they are. Not a lot of depth yet.

*Gift2* What I liked about the story: At first I was going to stop reading. The story was a little boring, and there wasn't anything prick my interest. I kept reading hoping for a change. I got it. Good second half. from the Astriks down.

*Gift2* What do I think needs work: The beginning needs a little less whine on Mariel and leave out her childhood and put it in later when she is at Bran's house. More detail about Bran's house, how she got there and what really drove her to go there. The action happens so quick at the end it is hard to follow, When you revise, make the scene longer and more angst to the situation.

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Review of Hamlet on the Telephone  

Review by thekindredMail Icon
In affiliation with Legacy Bank  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Heart* Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion. *Reading*

*Flower4* What is the goal of the main Character? To get help from a helpline maybe a suicide hotline

*Gift1* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? He is unsure of many things and is trying get some guidance from the hot line

*Balloon5* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? He speaks in old English, the Helpline person is having a hard time understanding what he is saying, but she asks him if she has heard correctly, by repeating in modern English what he has said in old English

*Balloon4* Resolution: None

*Balloon4* Do the characters develop in this story? to a point. We see the development of Hamlet's thinking in this situation. His fears and his beliefs.

*Gift2* What I liked about the story: I never understood Hamlet. I read it as a young person and this was a well done piece. I "got" what Hamlet's problem was and his delema. Good Job!

*Gift2* What do I think needs work: I would have liked the hotline lady give some advice, maybe based on the story whether it be related to the real story or just the author's justification.

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Review of Fade Away  

Review by thekindredMail Icon
In affiliation with Legacy Bank  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
This comes as my opinion and is not meant as a criticism of the writer. Please accept my comments offered in kindness. You may do what you wish with them. iLove2write



*Gift1*Plot A man wakes and has died and doesn't know it. He go through the morning trying to find out why he feels so odd. Then comes the realization.

*Gift2* Characters A man, no age, no description.

*Gift3* Reference present day

*Gift4* General impressions Better story than before. There is more question to the problem and as he passes through situations the reader comes to realize he is dead. I like the story. There is nothing wrong with the plot this time.

Line Items:
First paragraph you change tenses from present to past and from first person to third. keep to the -ed and leave off the -ing.
The only comment I have is the sudden movement from place to place. There is no transition.
I.E. Yo might say he put his hand to head, it wasn't hot so he with his backpack he headed to the station to get to work even though he was late, they would understand when he got there.

When the train came to my stop, I rushed to the exit, falling out so the train wouldn't start up again before I could get out I didn't get why he fell out of the subway. There is usually time to get out, If he had to dance around people crowed at the doorway, then we get the picture he was still trying act like a "being." He doesn't seem to know that he can walk through people, and for a ghost they don't walk through him but can hit him and hurt him. That is curious and you give no explanation. Not that one is needed in this short piece.



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Review of Beneath The Sand  

Review by thekindredMail Icon
In affiliation with Legacy Bank  
Rated: E | (4.0)
this could be a good start but it isn't enough. It is very vague leaving out many things. I would suggest you might make a note of this. (it is what I use as I write my novel, and in each chapter)
1.What is the goal of the main character(s)? You will know this but is may be difficult to realize and write.
2.What motivates her to reach it? Is she really searching for Love? maybe just to be validated by someone other than herself. Is she looking for work?
3. What are the conflicts that are keeping her from reaching that goal? bad breath? poor work habits? no job? crazy cat lady next door?
4. What is the resolution? Does she find love? did something else take its place? did she realize love was just the side benefit of putting herself out there to have a relationship?

Almost chapter will have the first 3 in some form. It helps to keep you on track as you write so you don't wander off the path on some side story that has no relation to the goal.

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Review of Dear Me  

Review by thekindredMail Icon
In affiliation with Legacy Bank  
Rated: E | (5.0)
OH MY Were you inside my head last week????
What an awesome piece It is a reminder to those of us who succeeded the NaNoWriMo or just have a novel in the works that this is the YEAR to get it done and into the hands of those who can make it a published book.
And that 20 (or 25 pounds) we put on need to come off by summer! I love my butt too,but there is just too much of it.
Grammar! Honey, you have hit it on the nose, I need that class too. I just don't get the rules. When you understand them pass the clues to me.
That last paragraph is a winner! You have put into text/print what I need to be telling myself everyday. In fact I am going to print this off and put it on the wall of my cube to read every time I stare into space....I will become more focused.

This is a WINNER- If anyone sees this on the Review Page -Review this post!! {/}


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Review of A 5-7 words Challenge!  

Review by thekindredMail Icon
In affiliation with Legacy Bank  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I do not consider death an unknown nor is it a scary thing. When pain or suffering is involved the crossing is hard and arduous. The waiting is is like the moments before being put under for an operation. The moment you give up control is the scariest moment of your human life. What arrangements you made before getting to that point make the passing a joy or a fearfull, horrible, scary moment. What happens when you die?
After reading the answers above I feel I have the advantage over all of them.

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