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126
126
Review by jaya
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Your narration is interesting.
Language and style are outstanding.
The character of the samurai is arresting.
Description of his momentous acts of bravery catch the reader's attention.

My thoughts and suggestions if you like.

Give me a physical picture of the Samurai.

A little family background of the samurai helps me in understanding his longing for the sword.

Who was his master? His father?

Create some dialog.

Show his mettle.

An example or two showing him in action would be impressive and interesting to the reader.

In other words add more flesh to the story.

Write on!
Glorious and Joyful



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127
127
Review of Dear Whoever,  
Review by jaya
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I love the way you say, "I feel fine" despite going through trying times. Few would keep such brave front.

Hello, I am Jaya and I am reviewing this well-written poem for your WDC Account Anniversary!
Congratulations and have a lovely day! *Cake*

You depicted life in vivid word pictures.

"I paint this picture upon this page
But the words are fading as they age"

Everyone passes through some difficult patches in life. While some succumb to such circumstances beyond strength, some survive all of them and rise from the thorns of life.
You obviously, belong to the second type of humanity.

My only suggestion is,

separate the rhyming couplets.
That will certainly make the poem more appealing.

It flows well with appropriate word choices and line endings.

Write on!
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128
128
Review of In the devils way  
Review by jaya
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

in this poem, faith is voiced well, a bit different from the usual way.

I am reviewing this short but strong verse for your WDC Account Anniversary.
Congratulations! *Cake*

Have a wonderful day.

The devil is given the task of getting the believer out of the safe net of the Savior. Wow! what a thought!

It is a foregone conclusion that evil cannot separate the devotee from God.

Imagery is visual and the flow is fine too.


Just a few edits if you are okay with them.

"The devil he dont want me here, guess Im in his way."

(The devil, he won't want me here, guess I'm in his way.)


"Saviors name."

(Savior's name.)

" have fell on fertile ground."
( have fallen on fertile ground.
or fell on the fertile ground)

"I really dont know just what it is, but he cant bring me down.'

(I really don't know just what it is, but he can't bring me down.)

"Im strapped in the good Lords armor, that gives the devil fits,"

(I'm strapped in the good Lord's armor, that gives the devil fits,)

With best wishes,

Write on!
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129
129
Review by jaya
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
A well written piece on the cruelty of war. War makes people insensitive and coldly detached.

The brother, who fell to the enemy's bullets could not be picked up till the next day. He was dead to the world on a cold earth.

Even nature wears a hostile weather with snow covering the land and it becomes difficult to identify and bring home the dead folk.

We can see numberless deaths around, still the war goes on.

Aren't we just a bunch of sinners, each contributing to our punishment in hell.

Edit-
"respected sides"
(respective sides)

Have a wonderful WDC Account Anniversary! *Cake*

Write on!
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130
130
Review of Eternal  
Review by jaya
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

there is a new angle to this ghost story. I can't call her a ghost either because she behaved with goodness. Calling her a good soul might be more appropriate.

I notice she word black and not white.
Could there be reason for this attire?

Here she comes walking on the cloudy path from the moon to give a floral tribute to her recently passed lover.

It is a lovely thought, showing a heavenly gesture from a dead soul.

The first line is truly a hook.

"The lady in black stepped through the mist and appeared in the cemetery."

My thoughts and a doubt-

It is sensible that she has no conversation with her erstwhile lover. Yet, she came down to place a rose on his grave. There is human emotion attached to this gesture. She even gave a kiss to his headstone.

So what stops her from acknowledging his soul, which just rose from his grave?
They could have gone together into the night through the mist.



The above are just my thought.

Language and style are above the top.

Have a wonderful WDC Account Anniversary!*Cake*


Write on!
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131
131
Review of Horse Land  
Review by jaya
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
The thrill of riding a white horse is well shown. However, with a few changes, this story will look more appealing.

Edit-

"Well can I pett him?"
(Well can I pet him?)

"Her eyes filled with tears with happiness."
(Her eyes filled with tears of happiness.)

"" Butiful name sweetie! ""

( " Beautiful name sweetie! ")

Suggestions-

Please divide the story into paragraphs.

Double spacing between conversations is important.
It gives clarity and the reader finds it appealing too.

Please check your punctuation too. Insert commas where necessary.

Write on!
kids at play



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132
132
Review of change  
Review by jaya
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
You have several good points about the main topic. Yes, change is vital for progress. No wonder they say, change is the law of life.

Here are a few edits if you like-

"So many people think this but now I will tell you what I think."
(So many people think like this. But now I will tell you what I think.)
Split a long sentence for more clarity.

"man kind."
(mankind)

"Without change we would go basically insane and no I don't mean what you think I mean insane means when you do something over and over again expecting a different result except without change it would always be the same and we're all basically going insane at that point."

The above one too long a sentence in which meaning is lost. Please split it into more sentences.

"your hole life."
(your whole life.)

Your last sentence has logic. But it got lost due to the length of the sentence. Writing needs more clarity.

Punctuation-
Comma and period should me inserted where necessary.

Please divide the whole essay into paragraphs, each with a point of its own.

Write on!
kids at play



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133
133
Review of Mountain Scene  
Review by jaya
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Diana's reverie is absorbing as I read through the story.

It is certainly like fairy tale romance that continues to be so as she went ahead to join Jared and her little son.

The flames and the tragic deaths are quite sudden and all good things came to a sudden end leaving her caught in the gyres of tragedy.

I enjoyed the narration.

My only doubt is about the flames, which she saw.

You said.
"...saw flames that stretched toward the base of heaven itself."

If the flames are that high, there must be smoke emanating from them and spreading around and down the hill as well.
But we don't see a spec of it as she drove up the hill, neither do we hear the sound of two explosions.

Also, it is odd that no other houses are mentioned besides this one lonely one.

These are just my thoughts not meant to offend.

Have a wonderful WDC Account Anniversary!

Write on!
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134
134
Review of The Contact  
Review by jaya
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
This mini monologue, which is about contacting a girl, needs revision.

My suggestion is absolute focus on grammar.

" when we had given the project a..."

( when we had been given the project ...
or when we were given the project ...)

" girl which I had crush on was on my team."
( girl, who I had a crush on was on my team.)
Who for persons and which for things.

There are places, where small case i is used instead of capital I.

With necessary edits in place, this piece of prose will look better.

Write on!
kids at play






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135
135
Review of Hank's Flower  
Review by jaya
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Winchester Jones,

I saw this short story in your port and I am reviewing it for your WDC Account Anniversary.
Congratulations as you register one more year at the WDC, for more creative writing.
Have a lovely day!

The little girl Janey Jane's character shows a warm and affectionate heart. she is kind and concerned about the flower getting drenched in the incessant rain.

" “Hank's flower” "
has a story of its own.

You did a great job regarding the sudden change in weather from " Blue became gray."

You have described events in a way that can be visualized.

My doubt-

I wonder if the use of "fat" regarding the description of rain drops is appropriate.

"...hum of raindrops, loud and fat and steady,.."
As you listen to the rain, the sound effect could be loud and steady.
The use of "fat" suggests you are looking at it, which is not the case here.


It is just a thought.

Also,
"When the rain began sounding like fingernails against her bedroom window.."
"fingernails" suggest a scratchy sound like the brushing of a branch against window. I wonder if rain could do that on the window.

Just a thought.

Write on!
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136
136
Review of The Sunglasses  
Review by jaya
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Interesting story!

Narrative style is nice and consistent with the events in the story.

Some secrets stand revealed only after death. An accident is created to unravel the mystery of the old blonde.

Edits-
Here are a few observations I made.

The first paragraph, I notice, mixes present and past tense.

"She always dresses mismatched or cozy. Not much of a fan to dress up. Lipgloss always shines on her lips. Everyday was a different color. And her eyes- well her sunglasses covered them. She never took them off. No matter the weather. People often wondered why. What was she hiding? Is it a hideous scar? Or was it a bruise from a former partner? Why does she also wear sunglasses"

(She always dresses mismatched or cozy. Not much of a fan to dress up. Lipgloss always shines on her lips. Everyday was a different color. And her eyes- well her sunglasses covered them. She never took them off. No matter the weather. People often wondered why. What was she hiding? Is it a hideous scar? Or was it a bruise from a former partner? Why does she also wear sunglasses?)

I have put the words with clashing tense in bold print.

A few more edits-

"One day the neighborhood kids always stopped and asked,"
(One day, the neighborhood kids stopped her and asked,)

"managed to never trip or bump into anything.'
(managed never to trip or bump into anything.)

"It was on a sunny day when the accident happened."
(It was on a sunny day that the accident happened.)
Or
(It was a sunny day, when the accident happened.)

"Amongst the mess we're big, dark green sunglasses."
(Amongst the mess were, a big and dark green sunglasses.)

"We're" is a shortened form of "we are."

Hope this would help you.

Write on!
Glorious and Joyful



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137
137
Review of Flight of Fancy  
Review by jaya
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
What a lovely story! Here's a writer that found inspiration listening to grandson BJ's poem and other kids' stories and later, by looking at his toy tiger.

Hi Dana, I am Jaya, reviewing this pretty nonfiction for your WDC Account Anniversary.
Congratulations as you usher in another year of creativity at the WDC. *Cake*
Have a lovely day!

Muse seems hiding till you found her in your grandson's desk.

I could see that even a seasoned writer like you suffers from low morale. That particular moment, when the right note is struck is crucial to writers as I have observed in this telling tale of yours.

" I found the toy I was looking for and sat it atop my desk.....I began to write with childlike abandon, the way a real writer should."

A wonderful story with a style and language that can compete with big time writers!

Write on!
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138
138
Review of Electric Glow  
Review by jaya
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Sharmelle,

I came across this unusual poem in a Newsletter of this week.

It is about the electric glow emanating from passion and happy emotions. It is a rather novel usage for me.

"Your electric glow is exuberant"

You also described the electric glow as a source of motivation.

Imagery is visual and appeals to my mind too. I spent time thinking about it.

There is one word that bothers me.

My doubt-


The very first line has the word "embers" being used as a verb.

"As this embers your glow"

You mean, it feeds the glow or helps the glow. I understand the word "embers" is a noun. It has no verb form.

It is a nicely constructed poem. It flows well.

Write on!
Glorious and Joyful


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139
139
Review of The Monkey Snored  
Review by jaya
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,
this is a wonderful descriptive piece of writing. I am especially enthralled by the awesome alliteration you have used in the following sentence.

"The moon stretched soundly into the night and snuggled into the thick black clouds beginning to stir."

I am looking at the stretching moon hiding behind the veil of black clouds.

Imagery is visual and at once effective.


Edit-

"...bounced of the wet walls."
(...bounced off the wet walls.)

The word Monkey is repeated too many times. Is it for some special effect?

I am just curious, nothing more.

Write on!
Glorious and Joyful


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140
140
Review by jaya
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Mars!

It is certainly an impressive journey for you. Life has been tough and it continues so.

It takes a woman of grit to withstand the buffeting winds of life, which you have successfully delivered.
Congratulations!

My suggestions-

There are just two points I would like to make.

First, organize your material in its proper sequence. That gives the story clarity and effect.

It is good that you have divided the story into several paragraphs. Each para has a number of points, which you need to arrange in their order.

For example, you narrated two love stories of your mom. Bring in more clarity by avoiding minor details such as shown below,

Your paragraph-

"Towards the end of her draining stays at the hospital, around 17 or 18 years old, she laid a sheer curtain pull away from (my future tia S) an older lady. I can't speak for these details but all i know is my mom locked eyes with her nephew. A mid height, thinly built boy her age..."

My version-

Towards the end of her stay at the hospital, when she was 17 or 18 years old, my mom fell in love with an older lady's nephew. He was of her age, with brown eyes and of average height."

The same method applies to the other sections too.

Put in the important details and avoid asides and minor details like making a comment that is not relevant in that context.

You can mention them in another story if you want to.

The second important suggestion is language and punctuation.

I appreciate the fact that you have narrated your family story quite spontaneously trying to fit in all the details you are aware of.

It is easy to get out of control sometimes.

Punctuation like using capital I and not i.
"Im just exhausted sometimes."
(I'm)

The above glitch is found at several places in the narrative.

language-

"she wondered away ...)
(she wandered away ...)

If you could revise and edit the story, it makes impact on the readers.
You told a great story about your mom and your unconditional love for her.

Write on!
Glorious and Joyful





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141
141
Review by jaya
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
The theme is good. It is an age-old dilemma, which still invites definitions.
As you have rightly concluded, individuals have to decide for themselves what true love is.

In my opinion, true love cannot be decided at the beginning of a relationship. It has to go through the test of time and if they still find each other irresistible, if their love doesn't alter through thick and thin of life, yes, then it is true love.

Here are a few edits if you like.


Edit-

"I will answer to this question without being ...."
(I will answer this question without being ...)

"that ae symbolic and people."
(that are symbolic and people.)

"loosing"
(losing)

"It is a dangerous game many of whom are people who got lost.'
(Rephrase the sentence for clarity.)

"if we participate to this game."
(if we participate in this game.)

"Althought "
(Although)

"if your body express"
(if your body expresses)


Write on!
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142
142
Review by jaya
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Laura,

I came across this poem of grief in your port.

My review is for your WDC Account Anniversary.

Congratulations on this cheery occasion. *Cake*

Have wonderful day!

Content-

While mourning the passing away of a dear one, you have recalled the past, dwelt on the present and wondered at what the future holds.

All the stanzas are perfectly composed carrying the burden of death and fear of future.

"Whispering branches became still and staid,"

Personification is effectively used to mirror a somber day.

Imagery-

Images are from real life, painting pictures of sadness.
To grapple with death is no easy matter as the poem enunciates.

What I like-

Besides imagery and processing of thoughts, I loved the rhyme and rhythm as well.
It flows well.



Write on!
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143
143
Review of love's face  
Review by jaya
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,

I am reviewing these lines of prose for your WDC Account Anniversary.
Congratulations on this cheerful occasion.*Cake2*
Have a wonderful day!

You have described your love's face and features in an appealing manner.
Imagery is crystal clear because it is visual.
"His eyes are blue like sea when moonlight shines on the surface."

Great to know you have fulfilled your dream of love by finding the right person.

Here are a few edits if you like.

Your lines-

"when he kiss me I'am under his spell. When I look at his face i know no harm shall come for his love well protect me, because to me he is the face of love."

"when he kiss.."
(when he kisses...)
Third person singular verb in simple present tense, needs -es or -s, like he watches, she studies, he runs, she eats etc.


"I'am"
(I'm)
I'm is a contraction of "I am".


"i know no harm"
(I know no harm)
Capitalization of first person singular i.e. I, is compulsory, wherever you use it.



"his love well protect me,"
(his love will protect me)
or
(his love well protects me)


Hope you will find this review helpful.


Write on!
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144
144
Review of We Planted Roots  
Review by jaya
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi,
another true to life poem reaching out to the reader.

You spoke of uprooted people from their own motherland and planted elsewhere for selfish reasons.

If one nation sits on another in the name of reforming, the motto to colonise is clear.

What I like-

Despite being suppressed beyond endurance, here is a race that “sprouts” again and grows to benefit the perpetrator as well.

Figures of speech are effectively used.
“like mighty mahogany trees”
Alliteration and simile find place in a single line.

A wonderful poem reflecting history.

It flows well with a perfect rhythm.

Write on!
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145
145
Review by jaya
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Life's lesson is convincingly conveyed in this rhyming verse.

Nobody wants solace offered by a person, whose motives are not genuine, whose feelings are not natural.

"Don’t talk to me at my lowest point
with false comfort and platitudes"

A woman's heart can recognize the well-wisher, the true lover.

It shows the hidden truth that if you cry, you cry alone. None can truly pacify the pain in heart.

The most important observation made by the poet is that dependence in any single way makes you weak. Doing things independently increases confidence and courage.

"But I've made note of a valuable point:
I need only depend on me."

A profound truth penned in simple terms.

A great read!

Write on!
Glorious and Joyful


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146
146
Review by jaya
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Sue,

I am glad I picked this descriptive piece of writing from your interesting portfolio.

My review is for your WDC Account Anniversary.

Congratulations as you ring in another creative year at the WDC. *Cake*

Have a great day.

Written from boy's point of view, presumably a teenager, this story packs information about the cows and bull. A single bull among a herd of cows noticed the red pants worn by this casual guy.

The leisurely scenario of the peacefully grazing cattle is brought to my mind's eye with ease.

Fear and tension are well created in him.

Hopefully, he beats racing bull in his attempt to save his skin.

Language and style are spotless

A nice read.

Write on!
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147
147
Review of How I met her....  
Review by jaya
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,

this nonfiction gives an insight into the workings of a teen's mind. It is a descriptive narrative showing the way in which the writer gained a girlfriend.

The subtitles make it easy for the reader to understand the events described in each section.
However, this technique makes the story more of an essay rather than a story.

The story needs revision with regard to punctuation and sentence construction.

A few helpful edits if you like.


"At first this was just super weird.'
(At first, this was just super weird.)

"I started to look at her differently, she was just started to get annoying to me, ..."

To retain clarity, this sentence could be broken into two.

(I started to look at her differently. I noticed that she was getting annoyed with me,)

There are several long sentences, which could be broken into two or more.

" reminicize on whats happened"

(reminisce about what has happened)

" anyway i wrote this because..."
(Anyway, I wrote this because...)

It reflects the thoughts and feelings of a teenager.

Write on!
kids at play





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148
148
Review of The Coming Storm  
Review by jaya
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi TJ!

Imagery and the feel are awesome.

Winter storm with endless snow is a terrifying scenario. A barren land of no greenery, no colour except for constricting snow are equally so.

“When the morning breaks …..in”

Difficult imagine the breaking sun on a grey morning .

What I like-

You painted a vivid winter bringing it to the reader’s eye. I certainly “shudder” at the chill you evoked.

Imagery is visual and tactile.

Rhyme and weaving the rhythm of winter into an eight-line poem are praiseworthy.

A great read!

Write on!
Glorious and Joyful






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149
149
Review by jaya
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi WriterAngel!

You do write like one.
I saw this ghost story in this week's Short stories Newletter. This is a deserving mention.

You created a haunting atmosphere in the woods. The ambiance is right. The friends' quest was fulfilled. Great!

What I liked-

The mist. Curling around and catching the person in its web of gossamer delicacy, is beyond doubt, a winning point.

Appearance of the girl on a swing with a musical locket on, is something I could clearly conceive.

The bad guys are dealt with, in a deserving manner. His aim of the chase being,

"The thrill of the chase, the intoxication of flirting.." Fond of ax murdering too.

"Theo and Jake’s gazes met briefly in silent understanding. Then, with a mutual nod, they lunged forward."

The wages of sin being death, the girl's ghost on the swing did the right thing, by delivering poetic justice.

Alliteration-

It slipped into the story several times quite spontaneously. It lends a poetic flavor to the story.

"Tendrils of fog, seeming sentient in their sinuous movement, slithered ..."

You told an appealing tale beginning with a sentence that hooks the reader.

My thoughts-

The warning is repeated.
" “Mara is the lucky one. I let her go. I won’t do the same for you…”
" “I told you. Mara was the lucky one. I let her go. I’ll never do the same for you…”

A suggestion-
The second line might be just
"Mara was the lucky one."

This is just me, the story is your creation.

Write on!
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150
150
Review of Roses in the Rain  
Review by jaya
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A telling poem of love, sadness, grief, helplessness and memories of sustenance.

The title-

Loved the lyrical quality of the title. It drew me into reading the poem many times. How much you miss her, I can see and feel.

Content-
Love never dies. The loss and grief make it sharper, palpable.
"Knowing she would be there."

Structure-

The first two lines show the weather that reflects the sadness within.
The next two lines expand the mood, visible darkness in the afternoon.

"Drawing my darkness
Into the late morning."

Beautiful, visual painting of the self within.

Wrapped in memories, uncaring for the drizzle, stands the man, who looks as though he is living the shock of losing his better half still.

Past recalled, but now nothing matters, even the roses or the rain.

A sensitive depiction of love with moving imagery.

Crisp and economical.

Write on!
Glorious and Joyful



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