I liked the story pretty good but I would like to see a rewrite so it would be perfect. I think this essay has something to say about the elderly and how they think. I just don't think it flowed together very well. The last sentence I just don't understand: Let them steal our jobs and paint everything orange, as long as it keeps my grandmother distracted from the topic that I haven’t been to church with her since I was seven.
If you read it a couple of times you will get what you are trying to say but it is a hard read.
Keep writing and remember writing is all about rewriting!
This is really wonderful. You did a great job and I plan on visiting the port of the ones I did not know and refresh myself with dear Sara's work. She was one that I had met and she was so thoughtful and good. Very Sara left us much too soon.
I don't know what encouraged you to do such a great thing surely it was from God above.
Take care,
Diane
Pretty good start. You really have a talent with words and if you work on this it could be a really perfect 5. You have to put more emotion in the poem so the reader will feel the pain of your depression. What caused you to feel like this, etc. That's what I look for when I read a piece. Of course, like I tell everyone writing is rewriting and rewriting some more.
Diane
That was a great essay and it really talk to me because I seem to be the person you are talking about although I have been this way for 52 years. I can't give you much hope on that end. The only thing I see that you could improve on is extra words in the essay and ending your sentences with: was, this, could, etc. but they are easily corrected. The extra words are like this: She liked running, she ran for fun and she was way faster than I was She liked running and it was fun for her. She was also faster.
I'm not an expert so these things are written in stone.
Keep writing.
Diane
That's a perfect read as far as having your materials backed up to support your topic. I have always been taught that the holy spirit is the one who has come to give us comfort after Jesus left the earth. The Holy Spirit lives within us therefore; in my opinion, this is just opinion is that if we lived perfect lives that we would be in a more holy state than ever before. You know, also, the Mormons, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints also believe in the lineage of the prophets and still have prophets to this day. I am not one to dispute any religion but I do believe in John Lennon's song, Imagine. Just listen to the words. I feel if we didn't have religion to fight about there would be no wars. I don't think Allah, God, Jesus, whom ever you or me or anyone is praying to would believe we should kill in their name. The only one to believe in that would be Satan himself. Look forward to your opinion but let me catch up and read more first.
Diane
Oh, my goodness, Ida, this touched me to the very core of my being. I can still feel my heart which is staying in my chest but breaking. Everything you said in this is the way I would feel if I was nearing death. It sounds like the country song that came out around 9/11 but it was just a concidence. "One More Day"...I'll see if I can find the lyrics and copy and paste them....I can't find them I'll try again.
Keep writing!
Diane
Just a perfect poem for someone who must be a very special friend. My best friend and I are so very close. She was talking to her sister the other day and said that she knew how I was and that she forgive me for that but she wouldn't tolerate it from her sister. Suzanne, my friend, knows I suffer from depression. We meet at college. She was an admistrator, still is, and I was a student. Suzanne hired me and the rest is herstory. I think I'll write something for her. I wrote her a book of letters I wrote to her and some quotes. She loves that book. I just picked up a blank journal and wrote to her.
Keep writing. It only gets better.
Diane
Ida,
That's good. It's about the way things happened too. I think it is sad sometimes when I think about the day I thought I grew up. Sometimes I feel kinda wierd about it. I feel like the blanket is completly on my body and then someone comes along and pulls the blanket a little at a time. Then you look down and you are fully exposed. All grown up and the child person disappeared.
Good job, Ida! I was emailing Charles about my daughter who is majoring in Psychology. I ask Charles if he would mind emailing Kim abou the profession. Of course, he said yes. He is such a dear. Anyway I ask him what happened to the woman who loved his writing so much and I enjoyed emailing her. He knew it was Ida and sent me your port for me to look for.
Did you ever read my Tupelo Outhouse story? I would like for you to read it but I have to work on some changes. It'll probably be ready in about 2 weeks.
Take care. I'm going snopping around in your port. Is your health holding up? I think of you and always with a smile! Diane
This is so sad and it struck me right in the heart like an arrow with a driving force behind it going so many miles an hour. I felt your pain so much. I'll tell you what helped he..The Purpose Driven Life and doing the hournal with it or "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron. You are here for a purpose. You may just be a caterpillar in a cocoon right now but I have a feeling underneath it all you are a butterfly awaiting the need to emerge! You just wait...this healing could be a long process but you'll come through..........I'm here if you need me. I suffer from depression but not quite as bad as yours is. Promise me you'll hang in there. Be that butterfly this summer and fly.... Diane
Meg,
I hope you gave them copies of this wonderful tribute to them. I so liked it that I am going to print it out and give to Mom. I know she's going to like it. I wish we could go see their second double cousin. The families didn't get apart alot so my grandmother and her sister married brothers making the family double cousins removed or something. I got so confused. I'll attach a picture of the clan, most are gone but not forgotten.
Love,
Diane
That's really great. I am so glad you wrote this because my daughter's boyfriend is a fan of jazz music. We had a good debate about music. He loves jazz and doesn't like to listen to music with lyrics. I think it's important to listen to lyrics but your poem clearly shows me that there are different ways to listen. Sometimes you only want to hear the sounds.
I love this poem.
Keep writing.
Diane
That's a good poem. I like it because it does show how in relationships people just keep you hanging on. My daughter is in one right now but very ready to hang it up and I don't blame her. I think the poem would be great to turn into a short story. This poem and the last one I read online I felt the same way about!
Diane
Meg,
So interesting you being from Australia! I read a review from someone from there about the history and how we should accept people from different countries because your country, much like America, has so many different kinds of people there. I guess like America too, the orginal people were Indians!
I'm glad you are addicted to writing.com. I always feel that same way also!
Oh, we do have something in common our husband's are/was drummers! Tim isn't so bad. He just isn't the same all the time! I told him, be good or bad. Of course, he probably says the same about me! This week he's good of course he's been threatened with divorce the near 28 yrs. we've been married!
Diane
Absolutly right! My marriage is certainly not Camelot. It is just the opposite. Full of anger and pain. Thoughts from the past that I can't let die. Catching him stealing my own medicine and then saying he was saying it for me. He makes me so made. Just to look upon his face after 29 years is killing me. The way he talks to his own two children who also hate him with a passion. Why do I stay? I don't know. I do know the quote "familiarity breeds contempt" is so very true!
Diane
Pretty good story line and it really had a catch me sentence to start. You have a few spelling errors. A little work on this story and you'd have a good one.
Keep writing and don't give up. Writing is about rewriting and rewriting. Be careful on typo's also!
Try reading your work out loud.
Diane
That was great although I have to agree with Simon and Garfunkle that everything looks better in black and white. In other words looking back we see it as being better than what it was. Would I want to go through that first heart breaking love? Absolutly not~ I've learned so much by being 52. Of course we have to watch -people, loved ones leave us and it is hard. We have to have the happiness inside ourselves. Sometimes through the deep dark hole of depression I see a speck of light. It is then that I feel my best.
Keep writing.
Diane
This certainly is a story that makes you think. So many times when I was younger I was haunted by thought of the worls coming to an end and fact is that even when you are lon really the fact that we are all replaceble! I did think more about the end of the world when I was younger than I do now. In fact I've started my book The Virus that is going to be along the lines of the end of the world!
Diane
It starts with a pain in the shoulder! Keep writing!
The poem should strike a nerve with everyone because too often people like this are not helped. My son is like that, so alone even in a crowd, though he tries so well to do good for others. People are not humble anymore and when they are there is always someone out there that isn't.
Diane
Keep writing even the sad parts of life!!
I really like this and hope that I am feeling and seeing what I am suppose to see. This poem reminds me of the early American literature of the Native American. Is that what it is? It makes it plain, in my mind, that we need to get back to our roots. We have destroyed what we had. I shouldn't say we because my great grandmother was a full blooded Creek so we were taught to take care of the land.
Diane
That is such a work of art and it hits you with raw emotion straight to the bone. You have took this terrible existence that these kids endured to life and it should be made accessed by the world. Sometimes I wonder if this earth has been desentized to all that goes on. I told my Mother as we watched the T.V. about the finding of these two boys; "What does the media want a vivid description of what happened to these boys? Can't they leave them in peace while they enjoy the family that they haven't seen?" Of course, Mom told the truth: "All for the value of getting that story."
Excellent piece of writing. This song reminds me of the lyrics of Don Mcleans song "Starry, Starry Night." You should look under www.lyrics.com, I think that's the name of the site and look the song up because it has the same feeling as yours.
I loved this because I feel the way that you expressed. I don't think this world was made for creative people, like us, because in the end it seems like we get hurt for being creative. No one understands the genius in us! LOL.
Very good. It had some long sentences but so did Hemmingway! You have a good, meaningful piece of work here and you should be proud. I heard about a wonderful young writer as you from Selene and as usual she was absolutly right.
You keep going like this and you'll have a novel in no time.
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Diane