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151
151
Review of Impervious  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Hello Elle !

I read your "Impervious as part of my participation with "The House of Targaryen" in the "Game of Thrones" event this month.



*Dragon* General Impression

As I read through "Impervious, I could relate so well to feeling the need to be unemotional, unfeeling - to the point of sometimes being robotic. One need only to look at the conditions of the current world we live in to find a reason why.


*Dragon* Something to Think About

I have found that reading a poem out loud helps to adjust the rhythm and flow so it's more natural - at least in my own poetry. It appears you have done this on your poem. As well, I think the stair-step method of formatting really helped drive home your point. Wonderful job!!


*Dragon* Things You Might Want to Work On

I believe what would really make this poem stand out even more is if you were to add a stanza in your stair-step down to show what made the writer think this way. There are so many reasons one may resort to this frame of mind and for me, not having this information left my mind reeling, trying to figure out what would drive you to this.


*Dragon* Closing Comments

My favorite part of this poem was:

"Tenderness unfamiliar
to a heart that is more cogs
and gears than vulnerable flesh."

I think that this was my favorite simply because I can relate to it so easily - and I can picture in my mind a heart with insides of gears and cogs. Beautiful descriptive language here!

You really did well on this and I enjoyed reading your poem. Great job!!


These are my thoughts and ideas alone. I hope you found them helpful. Not all of us see writing or any one piece in the same light. Please take what helps you from my comments and ignore the rest.

Thank you for allowing me to read and review your writing. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing.

Happy Writing! *Dragon2*

B.M. Ray


** Image ID #2128915 Unavailable **



*Dragon* This Review was done on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones! *Dragon*


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152
152
Review of To The Surface  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hello WritingWalter !

I read your "To The Surface as part of my participation with "The House of Targaryen" in the "Game of Thrones" event this month.



*Dragon* General Impression

This was an interesting poem - both fictional story and yet, it proves a point of how we can achieve our dreams if we just take the time to chase them and believe in them. Way to go!


*Dragon* Something to Think About

With poetry, I always try to read mine aloud to myself, as if I've never seen them before. This helps show where there may be a flaw in the rhythm, or I may see a word change that will help get across what I am saying better than the one I've chosen. This is a great tool for any writer, regardless of the type of writing, really - but especially helpful in poetry.


*Dragon* Things You Might Want to Work On

I only have one suggestion - go through your poem and make sure that the punctuation is consistent throughout - and that it helps the rhythm. I noticed that in all of your stanzas except the last one, the punctuation seemed to be consistent, but in the last stanza, the only punctuation is the exclamation point at the end of the first line. Other than this, I think you did very well.


*Dragon* Closing Comments

I have never really read steampunk genre before today, but after reading your poem, I am starting to wonder why - you did very well on this poem overall, and I love how you show the way the princess chased her dream and wouldn't let it go. This made the point of showing us that if we believe in our dreams and take the necessary steps, we can make our dreams come true.


These are my thoughts and ideas alone. I hope you found them helpful. Not all of us see writing or any one piece in the same light. Please take what helps you from my comments and ignore the rest.

Thank you for allowing me to read and review your writing. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing.

Happy Writing! *Dragon2*

B.M. Ray


*Dragon* This Review was done on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones! *Dragon*


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153
153
Rated: E | (4.5)
Oh, wow! Where do I start on this one? I was rolling all the way from, "Stopped by a mirror to see my hair is all squirrely." to "That's when I saw I had my tail of toliet paper five feet long!" This was absolutely hilarious! I think what makes even more funny is the fact that we have ALL had days that went like this. I do, however, have a couple of suggestions. The first suggestion is to spell check your poem...."Toliet" should be spelled "Toilet." I think the word squirrely" might be misspelled - my spell checker keeps underlining it in red...however, the only options it gave me was "squarely" or "squirrel." So, I'm not sure on that one. Also, double check your punctuation. I am not sure, as I am no expert, but I wonder if there is a way you can word this and punctuate it to where it reads a bit more smoothly. My only suggestion with regards to that would be to read the poem out loud to yourself, as a reader whose never read it before, and see if you can fix the rhythm and flow. Other than these, I have no other suggestions. Definitely, whatever you do, keep your sense of humor in this poem. Like I said before, I rolled when I read this - I could so relate to it! Great job! Keep up the wonderful writing!
154
154
Rated: E | (4.5)
This was a beautiful poem - and tribute to your grandson. I love the repetition of the lines, "My knight, he takes care of me. My knight is as handsome as can be." My only suggestions are as follows:

"My knight, is as handsome as can be." In all stanzas - does not need the comma.

"My knight, is as handsome as can be.." - In 2nd stanza, only need one period.

This was absolutely the best way I can think of to pay tribute to your grandson. There is no doubt how much your grandson means to you, and your love shines through every bit of this poem. Wow. Way to go with showing raw emotion!

My absolute favorite part, though, was:

"To my kingdom, my house, he's true.
If you visit me, he'll take care of you too!"

It shows exactly how loving your grandson is, as well as how loving you are.

The photo enhances the meaning and the emotion behind this beautiful work of art. And when you describe your "knight" as "wearing tennis shoes and standing two foot three," the pride you feel as grandmother really shines through.

Keep up the wonderful writing! This really brightened my day!
155
155
Review of Story  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hello Subhro !

I read your "Story as part of my participation with "The House of Targaryen" in the "Game of Thrones" event this month.



*Dragon* General Impression

This is a wonderful story that teaches us a valuable lesson in being wise, accepting what we have, and not coveting what we don't have. Beautiful work!


*Dragon* Something to Think About

I believe that better descriptions of what the old couple looked like, mannerisms, and environment (like where they live, what their house looks like, etc.) would really take this story a long way! I think also describing what Yaksha and Kubera look like would really help me as a reader be able to picture the scene.


*Dragon* Things You Might Want to Work On

Other than what I mentioned above, which I really think would make this story pop, I only have one suggestion. In your first paragraph, the first sentence seems long. Maybe break it up a bit, make two sentences out of it. The length it is now kind of made me stumble just a bit.


*Dragon* Closing Comments

You really have a great story here, and I believe with just a bit of revision and adding more descriptions, it would really pop. The key here is to "show" what's going on, not "tell." Don't give up on this - it's great, and could even be the beginning of an awesome book of short stories along the theme of wisdom and folklore. Great job!



These are my thoughts and ideas alone. I hope you found them helpful. Not all of us see writing or any one piece in the same light. Please take what helps you from my comments and ignore the rest.

Thank you for allowing me to read and review your writing. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing.

Happy Writing! Let me also welcome you to the wonderful world of WDC, a community where writers help writers! I hope you make lots of friends and enjoy your time here. *Dragon2*

B.M. Ray


*Dragon* This Review was done on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones! *Dragon*


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156
156
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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Hello PartsPerMillion !

I read your "I am better then you as part of my participation with "The House of Targaryen" in the "Game of Thrones" event this month.



*Dragon* General Impression

This seems to be a good start to a story, maybe even two stories. That being said, there are a few things that I think would help clarify the story to your readers and make this just a bit easier to read.


*Dragon* Something to Think About

I believe you have a concept here that could easily be either two stories, or one story, with parts of it being separate chapters. One chapter could be the relationship between Kahn and Adam, while another concentrates on the relationship between Adam and his father. Also, I was wondering if there was a specific reason that you had the word "suicide" in bold?


*Dragon* Things You Might Want to Work On

Double check your word usage and the spellings of those words based on meanings. One example is your title/theme - "I am better then you."...should read "I am better than you." Simple misspellings like that can alter the meanings of entire sentences. Also, make sure of the plural spellings for words - see www.grammerly.com for help on this as well.

Checking your grammar and punctuation is also a great place to start. One example is:
"After more year of lose and desperation Kahn decided to commit suicide." Try "After ten more years of loss and desperation, Kahn decided to commit suicide." One awesome website I have found that will help out with the grammar is www.grammerly.com

Formatting - Either indenting the first line of a paragraph, justifying your paragraphs, and adding an empty line between paragraphs would really help the reader be able to stay focused on what they are reading.


*Dragon* Closing Comments

Please do not be offended by my comments - I am merely trying to help make this the best it can be - You really have a good start here, and with some careful editing, it can be great! I think you really have a good idea here.


These are my thoughts and ideas alone. I hope you found them helpful. Not all of us see writing or any one piece in the same light. Please take what helps you from my comments and ignore the rest.

Thank you for allowing me to read and review your writing. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing.

Happy Writing! I would also like to wish you a warm welcome to WDC. This is an awesome community and I hope you enjoy your time here! *Dragon2*

B.M. Ray


*Dragon* This Review was done on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones! *Dragon*


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157
157
Review of The Keyhole  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hello Maci !

I read your "The Keyhole as part of my participation with "The House of Targaryen" in the "Game of Thrones" event this month.



*Dragon* General Impression

This was definitely an interesting read. And the ending was very humorous - I couldn't help but laugh!!


*Dragon* Something to Think About

Try to read this aloud to yourself - every poem must have good rhythm and flow. If it does, then you have succeeded. If it doesn't, then by reading it to yourself out loud as if you had never seen it before will help you see where the glitches are.


*Dragon* Things You Might Want to Work On

Other than what I mentioned above in regards to rhythm and flow, the only issue I saw was the capital letters at the beginning of each line. If each line is a new, complete sentence, that is fine. However, since it's not, you don't need to capitalize the first letter of each line. You can get by with just capitalizing the first letter of each new sentence. Other than that, wonderful job on this poem!


*Dragon* Closing Comments

I thought this was interesting, adventurous, and the end, where you say you checked to see if you had a light on your butt - I would have never seen the poem ending that way, but it was funny. That took me by surprise. Great job on this!


These are my thoughts and ideas alone. I hope you found them helpful. Not all of us see writing or any one piece in the same light. Please take what helps you from my comments and ignore the rest.

Thank you for allowing me to read and review your writing. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing.

Happy Writing! *Dragon2*

B.M. Ray


*Dragon* This Review was done on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones! *Dragon*


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158
158
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hello ♥HOOves♥ !

I read your "The Bovine Legend of Finnegan as part of my participation with "The House of Targaryen" in the "Game of Thrones" event this month.



*Dragon* General Impression

This definitely sounds like an adventure! I couldn't help but read all the way through to see what happened in the end. Beautifully done!


*Dragon* Something to Think About

I really didn't see much that you could improve upon other than what I mention in the next area of things you might want to work on. The rhythm and flow worked well, and it made for an easy read. Maybe, if anything, a description of what Finnegan looked like - was he black and white? reddish brown? muscular or scrawny? Just a thought.


*Dragon* Things You Might Want to Work On

"And so he wandered day and night,
Over field and emerald green.
From Cork to Connemara,
past many lads and some colleens."

I do not believe that the word "Over" needs to be capitalized since it is not the beginning of a sentence, but a continuation from line 1.


*Dragon* Closing Comments

This was definitely an interesting read - who would have thought that a bovine would have saved an entire country? Definitely an adventure I would love to see in person, for sure. And of course, it goes along the theme of your name on WDC - Hooves!!! Nicely done!


These are my thoughts and ideas alone. I hope you found them helpful. Not all of us see writing or any one piece in the same light. Please take what helps you from my comments and ignore the rest.

Thank you for allowing me to read and review your writing. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing.

Happy Writing! *Dragon2*

B.M. Ray


*Dragon* This Review was done on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones! *Dragon*


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159
159
Review of His-Story  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hello Inarticulate !

I read your "His-Story as part of my participation with "The House of Targaryen" in the "Game of Thrones" event this month.



*Dragon* General Impression

What a wonderful way to share the story of our Lord! The title alone got my attention, but then when I read the description showing it was about Jesus, I had to read it. This was beautiful - and so true on so many levels. Wonderful job!


*Dragon* Something to Think About

I've learned a lot as a writer over the last few years, and one thing I've learned is that there's no need to capitalize the first word of every line - just the ones that start a new sentence or thought.


*Dragon* Things You Might Want to Work On

The only thing I noticed is the capitalization of the first word of every line, but there were other places you used capitals where they didn't have to be capital letters. Here's an example:

"He was a lover of Man, Just and Kind
We were the only thing in His mind.
Oh! Such Great was the Love, Deep was the Loss
On the mount of Calvary when we put Him upon the cross."

Try this:

"He was a lover of man, just and kind,
We were the only thing in His mind.
Oh! So great was the love, deep was the loss,
On the Mount of Calvary when we put Him upon the Cross."

These are just my thoughts. Also, try reading your poem aloud, as if you'd never seen it before. This will help you with rhythm and flow, something every poem must have.


*Dragon* Closing Comments

You are off to a really great start. As a fellow Christian, I absolutely love this poem, and I believe with just a few minor tweaks, this could be awesome. You really highlight His love for us, and how His sacrifice proves His love. Beautiful job on this poem.


These are my thoughts and ideas alone. I hope you found them helpful. Not all of us see writing or any one piece in the same light. Please take what helps you from my comments and ignore the rest.

Thank you for allowing me to read and review your writing. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing.

Happy Writing! Welcome to WDC! I hope and pray that you enjoy this site as much as I do, and that you make lots of new friends. We are here to write, read and support each other in our writing journeys. I love this community, and I hope you love it as much as I do.*Dragon2*

B.M. Ray


*Dragon* This Review was done on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones! *Dragon*


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160
160
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hello Buckky !

I read your "Not Enough For The Person Who created Me as part of my participation with "The House of Targaryen" in the "Game of Thrones" event this month.



*Dragon* General Impression

This poem shares a lot of pain. Having been abandoned by someone who is supposed to love you is not easy - I know...been there, done that. Good job on portraying this.


*Dragon* Something to Think About

One thing that makes poetry great is imagery - maybe a bit more imagery in this poem might help it hit home with your readers.


*Dragon* Things You Might Want to Work On

I noticed that you never capitalized the word "I." I'm not sure if you did this on purpose or not, but it made me take a double look.

Also, I noticed the rhythm seemed to be just a wee bit off. Try reading this out loud to yourself - and although it seems difficult, try to read it as if you were not the writer - like you had never seen it before. This will help you determine where the rhythm is off and be able to fix it.


*Dragon* Closing Comments

Overall, this is a good poem. I think you are on the right track here, and with just a bit of minor revision, it will turn into a masterpiece. Most of us have experienced the pain of being abandoned - and can relate to the pain in your poem. Never let others tell you that you aren't good enough - you are! Keep your head up!


These are my thoughts and ideas alone. I hope you found them helpful. Not all of us see writing or any one piece in the same light. Please take what helps you from my comments and ignore the rest.

Thank you for allowing me to read and review your writing. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing.

Happy Writing! Welcome to the WDC community! This truly is a great site to read, write and receive feedback on your works! I hope your time on WDC is great and that you learn a lot and make tons of new friends! *Dragon2*

B.M. Ray


*Dragon* This Review was done on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones! *Dragon*


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161
161
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hello Craig Henders !

I read your ""Just keep it..." (Daily F.F. Challenge) as part of my participation with "The House of Targaryen" in the "Game of Thrones" event this month.



*Dragon* General Impression

This was an interesting read - I always love stories that involve panic as a deadline looms! You really captured the heat of the moment when Kelly realized the date - and the significance of that date. Wonderful job in this.


*Dragon* Something to Think About

The formatting, the syntax, grammar and spelling seemed to be without error. This shows the reader that you care about what you are writing. Great job here!


*Dragon* Things You Might Want to Work On

I would love to know more about what Kelli and Kari look like. It might help make the story more real for the reader. Other than that, I didn't see any issues that needed to be addressed - well done!


*Dragon* Closing Comments

Your surprise ending - wow! I would have never suspected that! It's an awesome ending to a wonderful story that really keeps the reader on the edge of their seat - it did for me! You definitely have a gift to putting words into stories, and ""Just keep it..." (Daily F.F. Challenge) is a wonderful example of this talent.


These are my thoughts and ideas alone. I hope you found them helpful. Not all of us see writing or any one piece in the same light. Please take what helps you from my comments and ignore the rest.

Thank you for allowing me to read and review your writing. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing.

Happy Writing! Let me also extend a warm welcome to the WDC Community! It is an awesome community full of writers and readers - all working together to help support each other and our craft. I hope you enjoy the time you spend here!*Dragon2*

B.M. Ray


*Dragon* This Review was done on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones! *Dragon*


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162
162
Review of Unlucky Seven  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Hello Fictiøn Ðiva the Wørd Weava !

I read your "Unlucky Seven as part of my participation with "The House of Targaryen" in the "Game of Thrones" event this month.



*Dragon* General Impression

This was very interesting for me to read. It seemed like I was reading a story about a man who had lost his wife and was trying to get back into dating. However, the ending totally took me by surprise! Way to go for an unexpected ending!


*Dragon* Something to Think About

I know this is flash fiction, and for a flash fiction story, you did an awesome job! However, I would like to see if you could add more description of what Regina looked like, what Smith looked like, and what the cabin and the woods looked like.


*Dragon* Things You Might Want to Work On

There was only one sentence that made me do a double-take:

"The pop pop of two gunshots sounded off."

I think it might read better as, "Just then, the pop pop of two shots rang out."

I don't think you need to say "gunshots," as it is evident from previous paragraphs that there were guns involved.

Other than that, this story really flowed well. Great job!


*Dragon* Closing Comments

I really loved "Unlucky Seven! It had a mystery about it, but the ending - it almost reminded me of those old mafia stories. You did a very good job on this, and it was very well-written.


These are my thoughts and ideas alone. I hope you found them helpful. Not all of us see writing or any one piece in the same light. Please take what helps you from my comments and ignore the rest.

Thank you for allowing me to read and review your writing. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing.

Happy Writing! *Dragon2*

B.M. Ray


*Dragon* This Review was done on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones! *Dragon*


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163
163
Review of The Light Keep  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hello Sand Castles Shopgirl 739 !

I read your "The Light Keep "   by Sand Castles Shopgirl 739 as part of my participation with "The House of Targaryen" in the "Game of Thrones" event this month.



*Dragon* General Impression

I enjoyed reading this poem. It tells a dark tale, yet one with mystique and mystery at the end - and the ending? I would have never suspected! Great job on spinning in an unexpected ending!


*Dragon* Rhythm/Flow

I found the rhythm and flow of this poem to be pretty good. However, see the comment below to see what may have interrupted that flow. The rhyme scheme works well in this poem - it's not forced. Being able to write a poem that rhymes while not forcing that rhyme, and keeping with the flow of the poem can be very difficult. In that aspect, you did awesome!


*Dragon* Things You Might Want to Work On

The punctuation appeared to be inconsistent in this poem, and it detracted just a small bit from the flow of the poem. I would suggest reading your poem aloud to see where there needs to be punctuation and where you can get by without it. Other than that, you did a great job on this poem!


*Dragon* Closing Comments

You did well with expressing the dark emotions and creepy night scene in this poem. I, for one, have always loved lighthouses, but there is a mystery air about them at night - you did an awesome job in highlighting that! I love the way you talk about the light-keeper, yet leave him mysterious.


These are my thoughts and ideas alone. I hope you found them helpful. Not all of us see writing or any one piece in the same light. Please take what helps you from my comments and ignore the rest.

Thank you for allowing me to read and review your writing. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing.

Happy Writing! *Dragon2*

B.M. Ray


*Dragon* This Review was done on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones! *Dragon*


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164
164
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This had me sitting on the edge of my seat! I enjoyed reading this. The formatting, the spelling and grammar, seemed perfect. I can remember times when "bottle rocket wars" were fun....and yes, stupid...This is an awesome tale, but so much we can learn from this! Write on!

Bonnie
165
165
Rated: E | (5.0)
The rhythm of this poem worked well with the flow. You have very good life lessons here. I didn't see any issues that needed to be dealt with. I think this poem speaks to what we all desire - being able to live in peace and happiness. Keep up the wonderful writing!

Bonnie
166
166
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Charlie 🌈 !

I just read your item, "Scenes From A Summer Storm, and would like to share my humble thoughts with you. Please bear in mind these are just my thoughts. Use what works for you and discard the rest. But whatever you do, KEEP WRITING!!



*DropB**DropB**DropB**DropB**DropB*Rhythm and Flow:*DropB**DropB**DropB**DropB**DropB*


For me, the rhythm and flow worked well. I didn't see any issues that needed to be addressed when it comes to the flow or the rhythm. It read really well.

*DropG**DropG**DropG**DropG**DropG*Adherence to Style/Form:*DropG**DropG**DropG**DropG**DropG*


This was a free-verse poem, so adherence to style or form has a lot of room to play - and you did well on this. Great job here!

*DropB**DropB**DropB**DropB**DropB*Ability to Relate:*DropB**DropB**DropB**DropB**DropB*


I was able to relate well to this poem. I could hear the thunder rumble, see the little old lady caressing her plants so carefully as she watered them, etc. Wonderful job!

*DropG**DropG**DropG**DropG**DropG*Word Usage:*DropG**DropG**DropG**DropG**DropG*


I absolutely love the way you use imagery - you really paint a picture with your words! As I read, I was able to picture the scene, and really take it all in. My favorite part was:

"Butterflies catch a ride on
the wings of blackbirds
so plentiful their existence
doesn’t even matter."

What an image to picture! Beautifully done!

*DropO**DropO**DropO**DropO**DropO*Final Thoughts:*DropO**DropO**DropO**DropO**DropO*


You really did well on this poem! I really enjoyed reading it - and I love how you used imagery to get your point across. You really have a gift to be able to paint a picture with your words!

Thank you for sharing your poem! If you have any questions about this review, please feel free to contact me. Keep writing!


*Leafo*This review is a gift to you from "disABILITY WRITERS GROUP
*Leafo*


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167
167
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, J. Robert Kane !

I just read your item,
 
STATIC
Sister Soleil and the One Truth  (18+)
A dying witch can be a real mother...
#2113421 by J. Robert Kane
, and would like to share my humble thoughts with you. Please bear in mind these are just my thoughts. Use what works for you and discard the rest. But whatever you do, KEEP WRITING!!



*DropB**DropB**DropB**DropB**DropB*Plot:*DropB**DropB**DropB**DropB**DropB*


The plot in this story was thick. I could feel the tension in the room as Soliel and Mother Jude interacted. I could feel the hatred soliel felt towards Mother. Wonderful job on your plot - especially with the fact that it gets really thick right before the end of the story.

*DropG**DropG**DropG**DropG**DropG*Characterization:*DropG**DropG**DropG**DropG**DropG*


Your characters were realistic. Their emotions were easily recognized.

I would like to know just a bit more about what Soleil and Mother Jude looked like physically. It would really help the reader be in the moment, able to visualize the coven witches as the scene progresses.

In the beginning of the story, you mention Mother Jude as the coven witch that is dying. However, at the very end of the story, the dying coven witch mentions Soliel's mother, Mother Jude. Are they the same person in different bodies? Were there two Mother Jude's? A short explanation here might help keep the confusion at bay.

Your characters definitely have some powers I wish I had, though. Being able to turn a doorknob and open the door just by thoughts? That's awesome!

*DropB**DropB**DropB**DropB**DropB*Grammar:*DropB**DropB**DropB**DropB**DropB*


"Soleil started, berated herself silently." - I believe that the comma is unnecessary in this sentence because it makes you pause mid-sentence, and that takes away from the meaning of the sentence in its entirety.

Other than that, you did an excellent job with your grammar and punctuation.

*DropG**DropG**DropG**DropG**DropG*Flow of Chapter or Story:*DropG**DropG**DropG**DropG**DropG*


This story flowed quite naturally in the conversation between Mother Jude and Soleil. The progression of events were realistic. It was easy to follow the flow of where the story might be going.

*DropB**DropB**DropB**DropB**DropB*Dialogue:*DropB**DropB**DropB**DropB**DropB*


Your dialogue flowed naturally from Soleil to Mother Jude and back again. Great job here!

*DropG**DropG**DropG**DropG**DropG*Setting:*DropG**DropG**DropG**DropG**DropG*


I believe with just a few sentences, you could describe the setting just a bit more so the reader can picture the scene in their mind. I could easily picture an elder witch, tiny in frame due to illness laying in a bed, and a younger coven witch standing or sitting by her side. But what did the rest of the room look like? Was it a big room or a tiny room? Did it have windows? Was it in the back of some dark cave? These are some of the questions I asked as I was reading.

*DropO**DropO**DropO**DropO**DropO*Final Thoughts:*DropO**DropO**DropO**DropO**DropO*


I really enjoyed this story. I was on the edge of my seat wanting to know what happened. Keep up the wonderful writing!!!

Thank you for sharing your story! If you have any questions about this review, please feel free to contact me. Keep writing!



** Image ID #2116651 Unavailable **
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168
Review of Day of The Potter  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Whitemorn !

I just read your item, "Day of The Potter"   by Whitemorn , and would like to share my humble thoughts with you. Please bear in mind these are just my thoughts. Use what works for you and discard the rest. But whatever you do, KEEP WRITING!!



*DropB**DropB**DropB**DropB**DropB*Rhythm and Flow:*DropB**DropB**DropB**DropB**DropB*


The rhythm and flow of this poem seemed to work out pretty well. The only times that I felt the flow falter were in the first stanza and the third stanza. My suggestion would be to read the poem out loud to yourself, slowly...and see if you can feel where the rhythm falter. The first stanza was the only place where I noticed this. Overall, well done with the rhythm and flow.

*DropG**DropG**DropG**DropG**DropG*Adherence to Style/Form:*DropG**DropG**DropG**DropG**DropG*


I interpreted this to be free-verse poetry. I absolutely love free-verse poetry because it doesn't constrain the writer to certain syllable counts. Your poem does have meter and a rhyming that works really well. Great job!

*DropB**DropB**DropB**DropB**DropB*Ability to Relate:*DropB**DropB**DropB**DropB**DropB*


I am not a potter, but through your poem, I was able to get the feel through your descriptions. I think you did a wonderful job here so that as I read, I could picture the sign above the store, picture the shelves with the molds and creations on them. I could see a potter sitting at the pottery wheel, making a vase or a bowl. Beautiful job here.

*DropG**DropG**DropG**DropG**DropG*Word Usage:*DropG**DropG**DropG**DropG**DropG*


Your word usage was simple and easy to understand. I didn't find myself tripping over words or having to go to a dictionary to look something up. This makes it so much easier for a reader to enjoy your poem and picture the scene as they are reading. You did fantastic here!

*DropO**DropO**DropO**DropO**DropO*Final Thoughts:*DropO**DropO**DropO**DropO**DropO*


"tomorrow new treasures you'll find..." This was my favorite line in the poem because it leaves us with the hope for what we will find tomorrow.

I really enjoyed reading about the potter in this poem.

What really made it sink in even more for me was your end note where you talk about the history of pottery in your family with your mother, grandmother and aunts. This helps us understand why this poem was so personal for you. Thank you for including this.

This was a wonderful read!

Thank you for sharing your poem! If you have any questions about this review, please feel free to contact me. Keep writing!



** Image ID #2116651 Unavailable **
169
169
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Interesting story! This was well written, and I could visualize the journalist taking pictures and writing short-hand notes about the invasion of cows to downtown Memphis. I did see one thing that caught my attention.

"I man with the local Tennessee accent raved about how I, assuming I was Mr. Livingston, needed to get my best reporter outside right now to see the spectacle unfolding." Did you mean to say, "The man with the local Tennessee accent....."

Other than that, you did an awesome job on this! Very well done! Keep up the wonderful writing!

** Image ID #2116651 Unavailable **
170
170
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
This was definitely an interesting story. I enjoyed reading it. Your descriptions are great! I could actually picture a dragon chasing a cat, blowing fire! Well done. When reading poems out loud to yourself, try reading it as the reader would see it. You might find that there are breaks or inconsistencies in the rhythm that as an author, you don't notice. Don't feel bad. I've made the same mistake too many times to count. If I remember our conversation from last night, you said this was your first attempt at poetry. I applaud you for your effort! It paid off in this poem, but I believe with just a wee bit more revision, this poem would be absolutely awesome!

** Image ID #2116651 Unavailable **
171
171
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This was hilarious! I loved it!

"cause the aliens are comin'
to kill us at noon." - wondering if "to kill us all at noon." would flow better. When I was reading it, I kept saying "all" even though you didn't have the word there.

"and she's all that we got.!" - do you need both the period and the exclamation point? Also, I was wondering if "and she's all we've got!" would flow better.

Overall, very well done and I laughed as I read through it. Just out of curiosity, how did the UFO picture almost get you into trouble?

Write on!


Bonnie
172
172
Review of Stairway  
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This was beautiful. The rhythm, the rhyme scheme and the flow all worked beautifully together. My favorite was the entire first stanza. I can relate to that so well. The shortness of of this also works, although I must admit, I wouldn't have minded it being a bit longer. Keep up the wonderful writing!

Bonnie
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173
Review of Icicle Bicycle  
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Okay, I got a good laugh at this one! I could feel the cold and see myself pedaling in the snow as I read through this. The rhythm and flow worked very well together, as did the rhyme scheme! I love that last bit of advice - don't give up the license, at the very end. Keep up the wonderful writing.

Bonnie
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Review of Death Chamber  
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, willwilcox!


I just read your item, "Death Chamber and would like to share my humble thoughts with you Please bear in mind these are just my thoughts. Use what works for you and discard the rest.



Plot:

The plot in this story was well-written. It flowed very well throughout the story and yet, still left some elements up to the reader's imagination. Beautifully done!

Characterization:

Your characters were realistic and authentic, an important element when writing a story or chapter such as this. My only suggestion would be a better description of Jerome Hawkins. Other than his height, we really don't have any idea of what he looks like. However, on the other hand, it was very easy for me to picture Simon Franks. Overall, well done on your characterizations.

Grammar:

Your grammar was spot-on. The grammar used in the dialogue between the characters was authentic to the way they talk and their mannerisms. You did very well on this!

Flow of Chapter or Story:

The flow of this story was natural and followed the plot from beginning to end. This made it very easy to follow the story and what was going on. Well done!

Dialogue:

The dialogue was natural to the characters involved. My only suggestion here is that when Jerome says,

“Yeah, yeah, door’s open...come on in!”

Personally, if I was tired and just wanted to come home, I would have just said,

"Yeah, yeah, door's open." I would not have just invited them in - especially if I was at work.

Other than that, I was able to relate to the dialogue between the characters and it was authentic. Again, well-done!

Setting:

The setting is in Jerome's office at the police station. However, other than this, we have no description of what the office looks like, whether it is clean or messy, if there's food laying around from Jerome's uneaten lunch, etc. This leaves it entirely up to the reader to imagine what the room looks like, and for someone who has never seen the inside of a police station, it could prove to be difficult and they would have to rely upon images from television or movies. Might I suggest that you add a brief description of Jerome's office to help the reader really picture the scene? Everything else in the scene really works in this story!

Other Comments:

I really enjoyed reading this. I think with just a bit more detail, this would prove to be an awesome short story that could stand on its own or a chapter of a longer story about crime and corruption. It was very well-written and very intriguing! It really left me wanting to read more!

If you have any questions, please feel free to email me back! Thank you for sharing!




*Leafo*This review is a gift to you from "disABILITY WRITERS GROUP*Leafo*



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Rated: E | (4.5)
"butt I can tell from" - it should be spelled "but."

"i don't carry much cash" - should be capitalized I.

Other than that, you did well on this story. I enjoyed reading it. Keep writing, my friend!

Bonnie
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