I just read your item, "Death Chamber" and would like to share my humble thoughts with you Please bear in mind these are just my thoughts. Use what works for you and discard the rest.
The plot in this story was well-written. It flowed very well throughout the story and yet, still left some elements up to the reader's imagination. Beautifully done!
Your characters were realistic and authentic, an important element when writing a story or chapter such as this. My only suggestion would be a better description of Jerome Hawkins. Other than his height, we really don't have any idea of what he looks like. However, on the other hand, it was very easy for me to picture Simon Franks. Overall, well done on your characterizations.
Your grammar was spot-on. The grammar used in the dialogue between the characters was authentic to the way they talk and their mannerisms. You did very well on this!
Flow of Chapter or Story:
The flow of this story was natural and followed the plot from beginning to end. This made it very easy to follow the story and what was going on. Well done!
The dialogue was natural to the characters involved. My only suggestion here is that when Jerome says,
“Yeah, yeah, door’s open...come on in!”
Personally, if I was tired and just wanted to come home, I would have just said,
"Yeah, yeah, door's open." I would not have just invited them in - especially if I was at work.
Other than that, I was able to relate to the dialogue between the characters and it was authentic. Again, well-done!
The setting is in Jerome's office at the police station. However, other than this, we have no description of what the office looks like, whether it is clean or messy, if there's food laying around from Jerome's uneaten lunch, etc. This leaves it entirely up to the reader to imagine what the room looks like, and for someone who has never seen the inside of a police station, it could prove to be difficult and they would have to rely upon images from television or movies. Might I suggest that you add a brief description of Jerome's office to help the reader really picture the scene? Everything else in the scene really works in this story!
I really enjoyed reading this. I think with just a bit more detail, this would prove to be an awesome short story that could stand on its own or a chapter of a longer story about crime and corruption. It was very well-written and very intriguing! It really left me wanting to read more!
If you have any questions, please feel free to email me back! Thank you for sharing!
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