Good poem. I miss my mom to. I'm sure she know how you and yours are doing. I certainly wish that heaven had a zip code or my mom had an email address, it would be nice to stay in touch with her. Thank God for our ability to ponder the great memories our Mothers left us with. I'm sure that there are windows in Heaven.
Good poem. Corrosion caused by whispering winds damned your soul to walk as an empty shell. Could whispering winds be those around you talking to others, driving you away. Is that the secret?
Your poem seems like a puzzle, quite cryptic and for me needs more explanation. Good job.
Nice story. I have never heard of doughnut seeds before. In the second line of the first paragraph you said that your" father was disturbed when he figured out that the small Maryland city had just opened up a Dunkin doughnut, across the street from his". His what? As I read further I figured out that the new Dunkin Doughnut was across the street from his restaurant. The comma used between Dunkin Doughnut and across is not needed. Several times in your piece you leave off the "s" from doughnut. There are a lot of grammar mistakes here.
I'm not sure but I think that you may still be learning the English language. Your subject line is interesting all you need is to get more familiar with the English language. You should learn to proof read your material and keep writing. Practice makes perfect.
Your poem has an interesting story line. The piece seems more prose than poetry. The terminology used takes some getting use to. For example "The outlaw Jimmy Thatcher, stationed tall upon his horse strode into Silverado with both eyes upon his course" . Stationed tall upon his horse is not a familiar western description. The piece is more wordy than it should be. It pays to go back and remove unneeded words. The first stanza could be cleaned up a bit, as could the other stanzas.
Try using terms used in westerns to tell your story. Reread each line and remove as many unneeded words as you can and still be able to tell your story. Keep writing!
Good poem. I like the subject but feel that your poem is a little wordy. We tend to use more words than are needed to convey our thought. When I write a poem I always seem to use more words than I need to. I find that if I spend some time rereading my piece and cutting some of the words out my poem begins to take shape. When I'm finished cutting it down to size I read it aloud trying to listen as if for the first time. I sometimes reshape phrases or a sentence or two. I like to leave the poem and come back the next day and read it again. I know the process seems lengthy, but it always produces a better poem.
I think you could have a great poem if you spent a little more time with it, and if not that's fine it's your piece to do as you see fit.
Was this a first draft of your poem? There are some good parts here to start with. It might help to break your poem up into stanzas. Four lines per stanza. Read each stanza out loud and listen as if you were hearing it for the first time. Try to refine each line.
This piece is like listening to a one sided conversation. "this could be bad or it could be amazing" What could is my question? Again "Would they be mad?" "How would they feel?" My question Who are they? This piece may make sense to the writer, but it's nonsense to me. Like I said in the beginning a one sided conversation.
This sounds more like a chant than a poem. The repetition becomes a little numbing and soon the message is lost. It may have had a better effect if for example the presentation was more like this:
Lots of people are feeling angry this morning.
While others are feeling vindicated this morning.
Zimmerman walked!
Lots of black mothers and fathers are hugging their kids this morning.
Still other mothers and fathers have never felt safer for themselves and their kids this morning.
Zimmerman walked!
It may have even been more powerful with three lines to one repeating chant line. I'm sure you could change still other things like using less syllables and more consistent line length that would enhance this poem.
Good poem. The first line seems like coming into the middle of a movie. There's no introduction to who "she" is. The second line is a little strange "she couldn't see through to the other side of the shop". Was it dark, was she looking at another building? The third line " Even I started to lose hope, for I knew it was going to be hard for her to cope". Line 5 "Her life seemed to be too broken, too caught and ready to be tied up and thrown out with a double-knot." I'll stop there for now. It seems as though you are assuming that the reader knows part of the story. Try reading the poem out loud and at the same time listen to the reading as if you were hearing the story for the first time. You don't know the characters or the poem. You are not familiar with the scene or story line. I like the concept of the poem especially the last nine lines.
Cute poem. wolverines don't take direction. its a good thing you parted ways as soon your friends would be calling you lefty.
This could be a good poem for a certain age group. Children that love animals and think they can bring in any creature they find and make a pet out of them. There is a difference in the domesticated and the wild. Your poem could be domesticated and become a children's book. Its up to you as it is your story.
Your poem seems dramatic to the point of missing the point. The first stanza leaves the reader lost as to the point of the poem. It would be wise as the story teller to capture the reader as soon as possible.
The second stanza is more conflicted than the first and still there is no apparent point. The word betells was not in my dictionary.
The next two stanzas are still unable to explain what the poem is about. They sound more like a CPA talking about losing money in the stock market, but still not making sense.
I'm sorry but I don't think I'm being of much help.
When writing a poem or short story it is important that it have a beginning, middle and end. The reader is to be captured as soon as possible and then the writer must be able to hold his attention to the end.
Words are the benchmark of actions not yet taken, or the standard of actions to be adhered to. Actions more so than ones words are truly from the heart. Actions represent what is truly in the heart. Your poem is wisdom not rhyme.
Good poem. I like the subject laid out in the poem, however the use of stanzas would be more expressive. The shocking promise of favor through the blessing of death before the cock crows leaves one understanding how Peter must have felt as he heard the cock's crow as he denied Christ for the last time. Last of all waking and finding yourself dead the question hast to be, where am I?
I'm not sure what you mean by hard copy style. You sound as if your adrift without an achievable heading. Most of the time these circumstances lead to disaster. No one is in full control except God. Even with a good rudder in hand one is still tossed and drowned.
In times of troubled waters, a choice of riding the wind and waves is a bad choice. survival would be better! In any facet of life having control is better than having no control. Choosing how we respond to a given situation always gives a person control over the outcome of any situation. Emotions are if not controlled a loss of control. Man must find a way to control his emotions if he is to have any control over his life.
This is getting deep. I don't want to analyze your poem as if it were your life as I don't even know you. Your poem is deep and tends to draw me into an analytical mode. Sorry about that.
Your poem seems full of conflict yet not that uncommon when compared to the rest of us. Sometimes we take a path in life that leads us astray. Our lofty goals left behind, we're distracted and on a path more interested in the discovery of what's in the future. All at one time or another stop and take inventory of their lives. Some go back to their original goals, others find that the distraction has set new goals to be pursued. Life is full of discovery and discovery is time consuming, soon we must make a decision to achieve our goal or pursue new goals based on our discovery, but beware of the enemy that stocks us all; time. Sooner or later we must find a goal or go back to our original goal and pursue it until its achieved. Don't let time catch you in discovery.
Good poem great question. In the first stanza first line you ask a question leaving a question mark. then it feels as though you continue the sentence. That is a word I try not to use it's like extra baggage. You need to get rid of the question mark or find another way to start the next sentence. the second sentence in the first stanza you don't need the first comma and where the sentence ends with the word true, you have used a comma and in my mind should have used a period.
I think your problem is that you are not proof reading your work. I would suggest that you read the piece out loud and listen as you were hearing it for the first time. There's not really much wrong with the poem. There are more mistakes, but I think you will find them in a proof reading as I have described.
You made me laugh. I enjoyed the short but funny date night. "The door bell rang," seems out of place and at least needs a smoother transition. All in All good job.
The collaps is a gripping short story needing no extra explanation. The author did a wonderful job of describing the incident and drawing me into the story.
I wanted to wrap my arms around her and hold her up. Excelent job!!
Good poem. I like the subject matter and the way you expressed it. Your use of puntuation was good. Most so called poets won't use puntuation, we're supposed to guess at their mood. I also like your use of stanzas, however your third stanza has some long sentences. For balance you might think about adding more sentences to your stanzas or use less words. For example the first sentence in your last stanza reads: When tears find their way to my eyes, I am not distraught. The sentence could read: (Tears find their way to my eyes, I'm not distraught.) Just a suggestion as it is your poem.
Chuck
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/chuckheesch/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/7
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.31 seconds at 12:51pm on Apr 26, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
