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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/hollymerry/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/9
Review Requests: ON
1,473 Public Reviews Given
1,527 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Honest and encouraging
I'm good at...
Proofreading for grammar, letting you know which areas of your writing work and which might be improved
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, historical, adventure, sci-fi
Least Favorite Genres
Murder, horror, erotica
Favorite Item Types
I’m happy to review all types of item
I will not review...
Anything with graphic violence, sexual content or profanity
Public Reviews
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Review of Sprocket  
Review by HollyMerry
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
The opening line was great and conjured a clear image of Sprocket searching through her toolbox, setting the scene. Sprocket is a great steampunk name.
The dialogue between Sprocket and Mr. Alexander is fun as Sprocket amusingly reveals in thought she isn't sure what she's created with her work on the clockwork minion. Her relationship with him is amusing and endearing as she must mother him and care for him, rather than he for her.
Sprocket helps Mr. Alexander out by giving him a sprocket. I'd love to know if Mr. Alexander won the race and if the sprocket which kept her father safe in the war was why his daughter is named Sprocket, although I know elaborating further would be hard in a short word limit!
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Review by HollyMerry
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This looks a really cool forum! I love the idea of a fairy group as I enjoy reading and writing about fairies. I'm looking forward to this group opening later in the year. I've added it to my favourites so I can check back on it. The trinkets and fairy adventure ideas are great.
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Review by HollyMerry
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
What I liked best:
This story has so much potential! I love the world in which you set the tale, the descriptions of the town and library were vivid and I felt like I was there. Skruff was a likeable character and I enjoyed how you had her somewhat outcast, viewed almost like a witch by the suspicious townsfolk.
The use of the senses stood out and made the world and how Skruff feels come to life. Your descriptions are amazing, unusual and striking. This made the chapter a joy to read.

Some suggestions:
I love the first image of he girl running but I notice you repeat ‘roads’ here, making the opening a bit more complex than it needs to be. Maybe change one repeated word or shorten the first line?
There are a few typos, so I advise running through this story again editing with a spell check.
Also, some paragraphs were a bit long which made the lovely information about plot and descriptions overwhelming. Cut some long paragraphs into several to remedy this. In particular, you need a new paragraph for each person speaking on the part where Skruff sells her furniture to the man.
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Review by HollyMerry
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I loved this fantasy tale explaining the origins of dogs. You have them created to be friends and protectors for the human Keepers, created by what sounds like a goddess. The dogs have lovable features we recognise, like intelligence, obedience, companionship and love of working alongside human masters and mistresses. The part where the humans mistreat them and the dogs become feral is also relatable and true to as we hear sad stories of dogs being abandoned. I like how you placed this in a fantasy setting, adding meaning and allowing readers to picture your world.
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Review of The getaway  
Review by HollyMerry
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I loved the tension between the characters here. This scene drops readers right in the middle of the action. Raen and Beaoul are both running from Mira Black, although Raen isn't sure that she can trust Beaoul. However, there is no choice but to follow Beaoul's lead and open the door using the key on her collar in order to escape Mira.
When Raen and Beaoul emerge in the middle of everywhere the image of whiteness around them is startling. What a great idea! This setting felt vivid and easy to picture, plus I liked how you emphasised the physical effect it has on Raen making her sick and pass out.
There were some amazing descriptions here. My favourite was: 'The literal Queen of Darkness moved at a respectable ground-eating pace while still maintaining the illusion of effortless pursuit.'

A suggestions:
I wondered if you wanted to split this into two paragraphs? The first would end at 'The light on the other side was blinding' in order to give more emphasis to this line. Also, Raen switches focus from the light of everywhere to return her attention to Beaoul here, so it makes sense to split the paragraph:

'Raen hesitantly trusted Beaoul. What choice did she have? She took the key and inserted it in the door’s lock. Shockingly the key turned. Raen tentatively turned the knob and pushed the door open. The light on the other side was blinding. “Come on, she’s right behind us. If we don’t get this portal closed she’ll be able to follow us!” Beaoul growled. She stalked through the door past Raen, the scraping of her claws on the cobblestone fell silent as she stepped through the portal to something.'
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Review by HollyMerry
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I loved the dramatic opening, especially the part where Mae wonders what the invisible assailant Turiel fought before she collapsed is. The notion of facing dragons and trying to get a special gem is a lovely nod to fantasy favourites, but with a twist as the gem emits waves of energy more in keeping with modern, sci-fi tales.
I like how well you enter Mae's head and present her mental abilities as ordinary to her, showing her facing a challenge as she wonders if she can destroy the gem.
Loved this line: Ai approached Mae aggressively as though she was going to attempt to walk through her.
You create a sense of this tale being set in a wider world with higher goals at stake by Mae's memory of a sentient implosive device meant to destroy an entire universe.
I enjoyed the creative way in which Mae destroys the gem, reflecting its attacks back at it until it fragments. Although Mae gets embedded with gem fragments and Turiel has been knocked unconscious, in the end the main characters triumph. I enjoyed how Mae casually shrugs about her achievements before teleporting away.

Suggestions:
This line gets split over two paragraphs:

I can
sense the energy flow

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 
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Review of That Chair There  
Review by HollyMerry
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thanks for sharing this amazing poem. The poetic form was excellent and I couldn't see anything that needs to be altered with the rhythm and rhyme scheme of this poem.
I would recommend putting a full stop at the end of the first line to give it more emphasis and break up the stanza.
I like the repetition of ‘spilled all’ in the first stanza. Also, of ‘big’ in the second stanza. The sixth stanza also has a lovely repletion of ‘I walked’ giving a sense of time and distance. I'd say this is a strong point of the poem and makes it stand out from short story form by giving it a sense of poetic voice and music which should be found in all good poems.
I wonder how the boy came to spill his paint on the chair? Did he trip or knock the paint from a table onto the chair? Did his mother warn him not to paint near the chair and he disregarded her? Maybe have this happening, or a memory of the paint falling, and his shock at seeing the mess to make this part more immediate?
It might be good to have the mother’s reaction between the first a second stanza. Is she cross, upset, or does she pretend to take it in her stride but is disasapointed? Do she or the boy try and remove the stain?
I enjoyed the part in where the mother and son are in the store and she tries out different chairs. It reminds me of ‘Goldilocks and the Three Bears’ and how Roald Dahl uses repetition in a way that will appeal to children.
What an original idea to have the boy transform into a chair! The poem kept the boy firmly in the modern day setting of the furniture store, but added a magical element with Mel appearing and warning the boy who disregards her warning. Mel vanishes as he steps forward and transforms into a chair. The part where he looks down and finds his arms and legs transformed into a chair was well described and vivid.
I wondered if you might add more about Mel? It would be nice to mix something suggesting a magical character into an otherwise ordinary description of her appearance. Also, how does the boy know her name? Maybe she works in the store and has a name tag, or is a neighbour?
The ending was lovely. The boy’s emotions come as a surprise and a twist and make the poem all the stronger. I did wonder if the mother notices her son is missing and if he ever gets free, but I suppose that’s another story…


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of A Few Lines  
Review by HollyMerry
Rated: E | (4.5)
This was an original and interesting read full of twists. I love how the elves reflect the woodland environment in which they live with their twiggy hair and pine scent. I felt transported into a fantasy world due to the strong use of the senses here. It was nice that a library offers a portal as I'm sure many fantasy readers will identify with this.
A surprise comes when, after having kissed the elf she loves, the narrator turns into an animal. I like how you reveal that she is a rat gradually and conveyed her sensations so well as she transforms. The elf and his friends scoff at her, leaving her in a torment of conflicting emotions. She felt she was loved for real at first, then feels anger and shame. She returns to the real world and writes a poem to capture the fleeting beauty of her first kiss.

Some suggestions:
I may have missed something, but I wan't sure exactly why the girl turns into a rat? Is she under some kind of enchantment and who enchanted her?
I'm not sure 'ever' is needed her: 'her first torrid kiss ever.'
I wondered if there was a better word than 'turbine' here: 'The turbine of wind' as turbine makes me think of wind turbines. I wondered if vortex, swirling wind, whirlwind etc might do?
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Review of The Princess Doll  
Review by HollyMerry
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
I love the idea of a princess doll coming to life snd taking a little girl on magical adventures. I wish my toys had come alive as a child! The unicorn and fairy land were beautiful. The troll doll bought by the grandmother with bad eyesight made me laugh, he was mean and luckily Princess Megan sorted him out. In the end when Sapphire has grown up it was nice to know her daughter took care of the doll and had adventures too.
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Review by HollyMerry
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I loved the format of this poem as it sounds like a ballad to be recited at a Victorian fireside. The refrain of:
Through trouble and tumult
Together they'd be
Does a wonderful job at conveying the closeness of Victoria and Albert despite the tumulus events of the reign - a time of innovation and progress, but also social upheavals and riots. I like how the poem focuses on the key events in their lives and their relationship. I got a strong sense of their bond and romance here.
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Review of The Spider  
Review by HollyMerry
Rated: E | (5.0)
There were some cool details in this fast-paced story about art crime. I love the detail of the spider broach being used as a mike to help Natasha communicate with her accomplices. The settings and emotional reactions felt real. I enjoyed the twist at the end where it is Natasha who is captured.
I couldn't see anything that needed to be altered. It would be nice to expand out on the details of this story, such as how the Mona Lisa would be substituted for a fake, but I appreciate this isn't possible with a high word-limit.
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for entry "Trolaan: Angel Oak" 
Review by HollyMerry
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This poem is beautiful, the use of alliteration creating the effect in my mind's eye of the sprawling and entangling branches of the tree. What a majestic beauty the Angel Oak is, I can easily see why it inspired this poem. I enjoyed how you captured its sense of venerable enchantment for people who have seen it during its long history.
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Review of Chinook  
Review by HollyMerry
Rated: E | (5.0)
I learned from reading this poem that Chinook is a warm, dry wind that blows in the Rocky Mountains in spring. I live in the UK, so I hadn't come across this before. Your poem sums up the mood of winter turning to spring perfectly. I love how you brought in all the senses, including taste and smell, to place readers vividly in the scene. I also liked how you described spring lifting the mood of everyone and the children playing outside enjoying the flowers.

I believe the spelling is 'daffodils,' not 'daffadils' but maybe this is a UK thing?
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Review of CHRISTMAS, 1965  
Review by HollyMerry
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a heart-warming and excellently written true story. You paced it well and it is full of interest. I liked how you opened with a description of typical childhood Christmases, introducing the family and setting the scene. This prepares readers for the dramatic moment where, it true festive charitable spirit, your Mum made Christmas special for the poor family whose mother was ill. How lovely of her to give gifts even if it meant there being less for you and the siblings, as you say it made hearts glow warmer even though there was less on the morning. I'm sure the family she helped remember it with great appreciation to this day.
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Review by HollyMerry
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a well-written and nicely paced story. You have a talent for descriptive details that make readers feel part of the scene. I like how you blend mundane details about Abigail's routine and life working in a hospital with exciting elements to build up the plot, such as Beatrice with her psychic powers seeing a patient has been murdered. The ending is a great cliffhanger as readers uncover that Abigail has been in hiding and now she has to face up to the ones she's hiding from coming for her.

I found the opening line sounded a bit forced as readers automatically know that when a story opens it marks the beginning of an adventure. I wondered if you wanted to swap the current opening line with this one as it caught my attention better: 'Change was in the air and Abigail could smell it, as clear and crisp as the change of seasons.'
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Review of Rosa  
Review by HollyMerry
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a well-written twist on the stories of Beauty and the Beast and Twilight. The story is described in a way that made me feel part of the scene using vivid sensory details. The characters and world building are good. My favourite part is the twist at the end where it’s revealed Rosa is a vampire too.
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Review by HollyMerry
Rated: E | (5.0)
I love how you created an acrostic poem to spell out the names of your grandson - it's a wonderful idea to welcome him into the world. The poem is full of love and shows what a precious boy he is to you and all his family. There are some lovely images here of angels, sun rays and the tiny baby snuggled safe and warm in his blanket.
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Review of THE TUDORS  
Review by HollyMerry
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a great poem with a lyrical, rhythmic feel that places it half way between a pop song and traditional ballad. This tone suits a light-hearted and memorable take on Tudor history. The key events of each of the reins of the Tudors and their characters are conveyed with ease.
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Review by HollyMerry
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is an amazing piece showing how angels can appear to guide us in our lives. The story of Brian’s experience is told in detail in a way that made me feel I was there learning the lesson too. The author is well versed in scripture and the piece sets the scene by giving an overview of what an angel is.
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Review of Foundling  
Review by HollyMerry
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a great, well-written story. I love the idea of a zoo for reviving extinct species, it is a fun notion I wish were true. The details of the zoo, staff and lives of the animals there are described in enjoyable detail. The discovery that the unusual animal hatched in the zoo and adopted by cat-like Manka is actually a dragon was enjoyable.
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Review by HollyMerry
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a great poem which conjures up a sense of how apples look, taste and smell meaning it is a sensory delight anyone who enjoys apples can relate to. Some of the images were vivid and fun, like the idea of apples as red and round as Santa’s belly. It also draws on the Biblical connotation of apples and how healthy they are.
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Review by HollyMerry
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a well-written and meaningful story in the style of a traditional fable. It is easy for children to understand and they would enjoy the goat characters. The lesson about not being a bully or apathetic to wrong is good to draw attention too. The society of the goats comes across well.
I wonder what will happen next. Does the bully who now repents his actions reform his ways and make it up to the small goats with kindness? Does he eventually get back the right to be chief by becoming a kind goat?
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Review of Unicorn Sig  
Review by HollyMerry
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a beautiful signature image! I love the comfortable looking blanket and saddle that the unicorn wears. The harness is lovely and especially like the effect of the tassels. I can imagine someone riding the unicorn and having lots of fun and adventures.
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Review by HollyMerry
Rated: E | (5.0)
This story shows how God is there with us and uses the most unexpected of situations to teach us to become closer to Him as His children. The situation of being stuck in a hospital bed needing the toilet was described in a way that made it easy to relate to the discomfort and frustration as the hospital staff are inevitably late coming to help out. When you heard the voice of God at this time it at first comes as a surprise until you reveal more about the message He speaks. The parallels between the hospital staff not listening and people not listening to God are perfect and I can understand the meaning of this message so well given how you described the situation before. This is an honest, well-written and though-provoking piece with a clear message. Thanks for sharing.
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Review by HollyMerry
Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)
I loved the idea of a troll and princess loving each other as it's a nice twist to fairytales. This story reminded me of beauty and the beast with the hero being cursed and only being restored to their former handsome appearance when they seem to be dying by the princess kissing them. The relationship between Colleen and Davon was cute and I enjoyed the scene where she visits his cottage by the bridge, plays with his dog and sees pretty flowers in the meadows. Andre was mean and deserved to be thrown into the dungeons! I love your fairytale stories.
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