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Review of My Canvas  
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Dennis Cardiff,
After reading your poem "My Canvas" , these are my impressions:

First, let me say I know next to nothing about writing poetry styles or structure so I can't speak confidently about mechanics. Sorry.

What a vision. It really does read like a water-colored painting. The verse literally flows. I feel as though I have just taken a ride through a psychedelia dream world of words and colors. It was beautiful. Thank you for that. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.




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27
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Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Tim Chiu,
After reading your poem "Intertwining Branches" , these are my impressions:

First, let me say I know next to nothing about writing poetry styles or structure so I can't speak confidently about mechanics. Sorry.

I like this poem. The language speaks with a formal and disciplined voice. It conjures up images of cherry trees in full bloom around a royal palace in Japan. I can see beautiful Geisha's in colorful kimonos walking past the rows of trees as the blossoms fall.

Bravo!

I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.



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Review of Reconciliation  
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello percy goodfellow,
After reading "Reconciliation" , I offer you these comments:


First Impressions:

So this is what you get when you press Random Read! I think I need a cold shower. That was intense.

Characterization:

I get the feeling that I came in to this story somewhere in the middle. The way these characters are presented it is as if I should know them already but I don't.

Setting:

You do a great job of setting the scene with minimal description, on the train and then later in Benvolio's shack. You give the reader just enough detail for them to create their own version of the surroundings.

Plot/Originality:

I find the time period and local interesting and well portrayed. It is a classic tryst with a Latin flair. I found it entertaining and well developed.

Emotional Impact:

It made quite an impact. Benvolio is very sweet and charming so the reader naturally is rooting for him to get the girl. I must admit it is very satisfying when he does.

The erotica is intense but tastefully written. The banter is believable and still fun. You easily convinced me that this couple was in love. Well done.

Mechanics:

Grammar and punctuation are not my strong suits but I saw nothing that I thought was in error.

Final Thoughts:

This is a great tale of young lovers. I found it intriguing and entertaining. I warmed up to the characters immediately and quickly made a connection. I would definitely continue to read on and learn what comes next. Thanks for sharing your work. I look forward to reading more from you in the future.

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Review of Sparrow  
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello April Desiree,
After reading your poem "Sparrow" , these are my impressions:

First, let me say I know next to nothing about writing poetry styles or structure so I can't speak confidently about mechanics. Sorry.

I really like this poem. It tells quite the unexpected tragic tale. I kept thinking I knew where it was going but I never guessed the outcome.

You have a great talent for characterization and paint a beautifully vivid picture of the little sparrow. The reader feels an instant connection. It really gives the poem a powerful emotional impact. I felt so sorry for the sparrow and hatred for the buzzards.

Thank you so much for sharing this poem. It tells a wonderful story. I look forward to reading more from you in the future.

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Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Brenpoet,
After reading your poem "Moon's Naughty Kittens" , these are my impressions:

First, let me say I know next to nothing about writing poetry styles or structure so I can't speak confidently about mechanics. Sorry.

What a joy ride! Halloween is my favorite holiday and this is just precious. It is happy and fun. The characters are endearing and colorful.

The rhyme scheme and rhythm are spot on so the poem flows nicely. Every line literally rolls off the tongue. It is actually a pleasure to read. I can picture myself around a fire reading this to my grandchildren on Halloween night. Excellent!

Thank you so much for sharing your work and I look forward to reading more of Old Ma Nell's and her kittens adventures in the future.

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Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello TheDreamer,
After reading "Always Listen to Mother" , I offer you these comments:

First Impressions:

Wow! I really found this terrifying. I very quickly became immersed in the situation perhaps because awaking in the middle of the night in a frightened state is such a common occurrence.

My true first impression is doubt as to whether what is happening is real or just part of the child's nightmare. In truth even after finishing the whole story I am not completely sure but I am working from the premise these are actual events.

Characterization:

There is not a lot of character building apparent but the constant use of the terms Mom and Dad give the impression that the main character is a child or at least a young adult. I'm going with teenager. The name Jessie can be either female or male but judging by the child's reactions and delicate footsteps I believe them to be female.

I would really have liked a little better description of the green eyed people. Maybe some more of their mannerisms, maybe some dialog. I would love to to know what their voices sound like if they have voices at all.

Setting:

You give just enough minor detail about the layout of the house for the reader to create a picture of it in their mind. Good job.

Plot/Originality:

This story reminds me of an X-Files episode right up to the point where the corpse comes in then it turns to horror. There are a lot of unanswered questions that may or may not be intentional.

Mainly, where are Mom, Dad and siblings? Why in the world would they live their child in such a dangerous situation? Who are the green eyed people? Who is the corpse? What is their purpose for being here? Would Jessie have really been safe if she had not gone in her mother's room? Why didn't Jessie call the police or someone for help with her phone?

Emotional Impact:

You do a really excellent job of conveying Jessie's terror. It is only natural for anyone to feel instant concern for a child in distress so this piece worked from the beginning.

The ending is gruesome and leaves the reader feeling not only sorrow but revulsion about what has happened. It is very dramatic. Bravo.

Mechanics:

Grammar and punctuation are not my areas of expertise so I only point out things that really stand out to me.

The only thing that jumped out at me is this line:
My light brown eyes whirled about in fear, looking at each and every one of them.

You don't speak about yourself in this manner even when using first person. You would say I looked around and definitely wouldn't stop to mention your eye color.

Final Thoughts:

Overall, I really liked this story. I found it extremely scary and fun to read. It got my adrenaline pumping and had me looking over my shoulder. I think the story would benefit greatly by being lengthened. I would certainly like to know more about what happened next or even before Jessie woke up.

Anyway, great story thanks for sharing it. I look forward to reading more from you in the future.

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Review of Debriefing  
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello Scorch,
After reading "Debriefing " , I offer you these comments:


First Impressions:

My very first impression is that your use of italics is backwards. It appears to me that you put the present time action in italics and the flashback in normal font. I personally think it would be more effective the other way around. I feel the part where Rick is remembering the attack should be in italics.

Characterization:

Your characterization of Rick is good. I like how you give us his initial description through the guards that are moving him. One thing that put me off was how the guard said, "he doesn't look any older than 19." That is a very specific age. I think it might come off better to say, he looks like a kid or still a teenager, something along those lines.

There is really no characterization of any of the other characters. They are just names sort of like place holders for the creature's next kill.

The single most defining characteristic of the creature is it's brutality and proficiency at killing. I personally would have liked to see a bit more of its mannerisms.

Setting:

You do an excellent job of setting the scene at the institute. The orderlies, the isolation room and the straight jacket give the reader just enough detail to create a concrete picture of the surroundings.

The same can be said of the attack scene. Perhaps it is just me, but thanks to TV and movies the mere mention of a patrol near a village instantly brings up images of the jungle. Maybe the jungles similar to Viet Nam or the jungles of South America. Nice job, that was some skillful wordage.

Plot/Originality:

This is a classic plot of many a sci-fi and horror tales. What it may lack in originality it makes up for in action and gore. I appreciate a simple and straight forward plot so I applaud your choice.

Emotional Impact:

The reader can sympathize with Pfc. Hunter's plight and empathize with his frustration at not being believed. The horror of witnessing his entire squad being massacred is prominent in the readers mind so it is easy to feel sorry for him.

That being said I think you missed some really good opportunities to make this story an emotional bomb blast. I would like to see you develop the other squad members more giving the reader a chance to get to know and care about them. Then when they are killed the reader will really feel the impact as it will not only have meaning to Hunter but the reader as well.

Mechanics:

Grammar and punctuation are not my strong suits so I only mention things that really jump out at me. Other than the italics format nothing caught my attention.

Final Thoughts:

Overall, I think you have a great premise and foundation for a classic creature feature. I enjoyed reading this piece very much and I would like to know more. I have made a connection with Pfc. Hunter and have a vested interest in his well being.

I would really like to see you do a revision of this story where you devout more time to introducing the reader to the rest of the squad. Let us get to know them and see how they interact with each other, make us care about them before their demise.

Do that and this story will have the emotional impact of a great drama coupled with the action of an epic battle. It will be fantastic. Thanks for sharing your work.

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Review of Pierrot's Lover  
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with Horror, Inc.  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Fille deNuit! After reading "Pierrot's Lover" , I offer you these comments:


First Impressions:

This is a very interesting time and place for a story. I have always found Pierrot dolls fascinating and collected many of them while living in Europe. I found this to be a morbidly wonderful explanation for the macabre appearance and teared face. My hat is off to you for your ingenuity. Bravo.

Characterization:

I understand how difficult it is to sufficiently build a character within a 1000 count word restraint, let a lone two. That being said, I think you did a great job with Cecil. I get a sense of his amiable and quiet nature and his heartfelt sincerity for loving Olivine is unmistakable.

Olivine on the other hand is harder to read. You do a beautiful job of describing her physical beauty but I would have liked more insight into her shallow and haughty personality. I think just a couple of lines of dialog or interaction with someone would clue the reader into her true nature.

In spite of brevity of your characterization both characters are very believable. I have no doubt with word restrictions lifted they would blossom into extremely rich and well developed characters.

Setting:

You do a very nice job of setting the scene. I think most everyone is somewhat familiar with Paris during this time from TV and movies. The little details you give about Olivine's room being up the back stairs of a saloon and her sleeping on the floor gives the reader just enough description to create their own picture of the surroundings.

Plot/Originality:

As I said before, I think this is an incredibly original and inventive idea for a story. I personally am a fan of period type fiction. Horror being the best. I think the plot of this story is very believable and I can easily see this becoming an authentic piece of folklore around Europe.

Emotional Impact:

This story is wrought with emotion. I found it a very enjoyable read. Cecil's unwavering love for Olivine has the reader at first hopeful then sad for his inevitable rejection. I love how the emotions end so far from where they start. I initially liked Olivine then grew to dislike her. I initially thought Cecil's love was sweet then grew to think it sick and twisted. There is nothing better than a story that literally takes the reader on a roller coaster ride of emotions. Well done.

Mechanics:

I didn't notice any real grammar or punctuation errors but that is NOT my strong suit. The formatting of this story made it rather difficult to read (lack of paragraph breaks) but that is not really a mechanical issue.

Final Thoughts:

Overall, I thought this was a very well written and enthralling tale. I enjoyed it very much. There was only one negative thing I would add:

I stuck my finger in her eye socket, and pushed into the moist jelly, until the suction let it go, and her eyeball slid into my hand. The round, gray bulb looked into my eyes, and now Olivine would be with me forever.


These sentences didn't really ring true for me. They seemed a tad over the top like you were trying too hard to shock the reader. The tragedy of the tale should be morbid enough without the added dementia of an eye gouge. I don't really know that I buy Cecil going that far over the edge that quickly. Maybe, but this action did pull me out of the story momentarily and give me reason to question his motivation.

Other than that I think once the word limitations are lifted you should seriously consider a revision that includes even more in-depth characterization, background and continuation of the story. This is a very good start and as a reader I would like to know more.

Thank you for entering the Daily Slice and I look forward to reading more from you in the future.
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34
Review of Write Stuff  
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey Dave,

I thoroughly enjoyed this fun little romp through an aspiring writers mind. It is extremely clever and well written. I have to admit when I got to the last line I had to look up the word extol. Up until that moment I had always thought I had a rather extensive vocabulary. HA!

Anyway, great poem that made me laugh. I'm still smiling. Thanks for sharing. I look forward to reading more from you in the future.


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Review of Anniversary  
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello HuntersMoon,

Wow, to say this is hauntingly beautiful is an understatement. I loved it.

The idea of an ebony snowflake is fascinating to me and the way you weave that theme throughout the entire piece is quite masterful. You conjure very vivid images of this surreal landscape of black snow. It is lovely in its melancholy.

I am so impressed with the depth of the tragic story this poem tells. It is amazing to me that you are able to convey so much emotion, action, and meaning with so few words. Bravo.

Thank you for sharing your work and I look forward to reading more from you in the future.



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Review of Pleading carrot  
Review by Lilithmoon☽
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Luis,

I have to start by saying this is one of the strangest stories I have read in a long time but I really enjoyed it.

You do an amazing job of building not only suspense but the intensity of madness that is the theme of the tale. I love the originality of the piece. I have read many stories about decedents into insanity and they all have different triggers but I have never heard of anyone driven mad by carrots. Bravo.

There are a couple of things I am unsure about however. The first being the significance of the giant mouse and the "kitty kitty" taunts. I can easily chalk this up to just random insanity but it seems more than that.

The other point I am unclear on is what exactly happened to the man? Did a giant sink hole open up and swallow him? Did the carrots cause it? Were the carrots taunting him as he fell to his death? It's all rather unclear to me.

My only suggestion would be to add to the ending for clarity. I enjoyed every bit of the story but was left confused by the conclusion. I really want to understand what happened.

Thanks for sharing your work. I look forward to reading more from you in the future.

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Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Miss Natalie,

This is such a great concept for a longing for love poem. I love the clever way you tell a story of loneliness and frustration. It is very effective. I was surprised to find myself feeling real sorrow for the narrator of the poem. Well done.

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Review of Your Hands  
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Miss Natalie,

First, let me say I know next to nothing about writing poetry styles or structure so I can't speak confidently about that but I do read a lot of poetry so I can speak about content and impressions, which is what I will do.

This is absolutely beautiful. I have to say this poem expresses my feelings towards my mate perfectly. The sentiment has such sincerity and honesty there is no doubt in my mind the author is completely in love.

I love the expression of thought in the second line. That also lends a realism to the poem that just makes it that much easier to believe. I really really liked this poem. It speaks to me. Bravo.

Thank you for sharing this piece and I look forward to reading more from you in the future.

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39
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Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Magoo,

I loved this poem. It describes quite beautifully the perfect Christmas scene. You have not only a great talent for detail but for rhyming as well. I am impressed with how well you can set the scene while maintaining the rhyme scheme. None of your rhymes seemed at all forced which is refreshing.

The piece has a great rhythm and flow to it. Every stanza rolls off the tongue easily. It gives the poem a joyful fun feel to it. I really enjoyed it.

I did notice one typo:
With rosy checks, the children played
cheeks

Overall, just a really awesome poem. Thank you for sharing it. I look forward to reading more from you in the future.

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40
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Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey Athena,

This story was difficult for me to read because I know you and how much actual fact is in the piece. Needless to say it got me choked up.

No one can question the realism of the tale which just gives it that much more of an impact. It is a fitting tribute to all our veterans, yourself included.

It is haunting and beautiful. May it never come to pass for anyone. I really don't know what else to say. If this is your first short story I would recommend you write more of them. You have a knack for it. Bravo.

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#1771874 by Jaeyne of the Free Fab Five

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Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey Athena,

What a great poem. Anyone who has ever struggled with their weight can relate to the roller coaster ride of losing and gaining, gaining and losing. It is never ending. I love your amusing take on the situation. I really if you can't laugh about it you are done.

The acrostic style lends itself perfectly to your message and it just happens to be my favorite style of poem. Excellent job!

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#1771874 by Jaeyne of the Free Fab Five

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Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey Athena,

I think you know after all these years sappy love poems are not my thing but I rather like this one. It has a sincerity to it that makes it very believable in spite of all the fluff.

I absolutely love the line about tearing out your heart with a rusty spoon. What a vivid image. I love over the top expressions like that.

The other thing I especially like about this poem is that fact that you know and inform the reader that this was a fantastical type of love that was destined to fail. That no matter how happy and blissful you were that it was simply a stepping stone to a better more lasting love in the future.

The comparison of remembering your first infatuation to visiting your favorite song is genus. Bravo!

I noticed one little typo:
My soul is grateful that all is at is should be.
as

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#1771874 by Jaeyne of the Free Fab Five

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Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hey Xavier Kazi,

Let me start by saying I love the subject of this story, Spring-heeled Jack is a fascinating character.

The first thing I noticed was that this piece is in serious need of proofreading. There are several spelling and grammatical errors that seem to be from simple carelessness. I think you can clean it up with minimal effort.

As for the story itself, I love the format of a timed play-by-play of Jack's day. The short little windows into his routine are easy and fun to read. They give some great insight into his personality and attitudes. However, they raise more questions for me than answers.

I love all the colorful descriptions you give of Jack. I can picture him perfectly and he is quite a sight. What I would really like at this point is some more background explanation for the character. I want you to clear up the mystery. You indicate you know the nature of his origins. Why not make the reader privy to it.

Why is he immortal? Is he some kind of supernatural force fulfilling some natural order or maintaining some kind of necessary balance? You don't portray him as a completely evil individual though he does commit horrific acts. Does he have to feed? Why does he continue to wear outdated dress and what is the significance of the top hat? Why does he sleep on rooftops? How does he plan on surviving in captivity for eternity?

The story you wrote is interesting and I enjoyed it very much but I think there is so much more to write. I would love to read your take on the origins of this myth.

I like your writing style very much. It is clear, concise and easy to follow, with a unique voice and flair that I find palatable. Thanks for sharing your work and I look forward to reading more from you in the future.

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Review of Pleading carrot  
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Luis,

I have to start by saying this is one of the strangest stories I have read in a long time but I really enjoyed it.

You do an amazing job of building not only suspense but the intensity of madness that is the theme of the tale. I love the originality of the piece. I have read many stories about decedents into insanity and they all have different triggers but I have never heard of anyone driven mad by carrots. Bravo.

There are a couple of things I am unsure about however. The first being the significance of the giant mouse and the "kitty kitty" taunts. I can easily chalk this up to just random insanity but it seems more than that.

The other point I am unclear on is what exactly happened to the man? Did a giant sink hole open up and swallow him? Did the carrots cause it? Were the carrots taunting him as he fell to his death? It's all rather unclear to me.

My only suggestion would be to add to the ending for clarity. I enjoyed every bit of the story but was left confused by the conclusion. I really want to understand what happened.

Thanks for sharing your work. I look forward to reading more from you in the future.


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45
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Review of All Hollow's Eve  
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Athena,

This is another excellent piece. Again, one of my favorite subjects: Halloween. I just love the depth of creepiness you convey in this piece. Reading this poem is just like a mental trip through a spook house. Well done.

The sinister descriptions and tone of this poem are downright unnerving. It is so much fun. You honestly capture the essence of the season with this one. Bravo!

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Sinister Stories Contest  (13+)
A horror contest for everyone! Can you write a terrifying tale? February Special Round!
#1556724 by Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk

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Review of Isabell  
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey again,

Well as you know this is my kind of poem. I love gothic/horror themed poetry. This reminds me very much of the classic Poe poem Annabel Lee which is a excellent compliment by my standard.

I love the anguish the narrator goes through because of their inability to stop loving a monster. You do such a fantastic job of conveying the turmoil the speaker endures. Excellent job.

This is just a beautifully descriptive poem of tragic love. It is so Gothic and captivating. It really is one of my all time favorites of yours. Bravo!

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Sinister Stories Contest  (13+)
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#1556724 by Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk

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Review of Strength  
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Athena,

I love this poem. I am not even going to pretend that I am impartial about this piece. I know the person that inspired it and she truly is an amazing woman.

You do a marvelous job of portraying her strength and determination. She is beautiful on the inside and out. The grace with which she endures her hardships is phenomenal.

I think this poem is a wonderful tribute to a magnificent lady. You honor her greatly. Bravo my dear!

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#1556724 by Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk

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Review of Resolution  
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey Athena,

I think I like the concept of this poem better than the actual wording. The message is an important one and so difficult to live by.

I love the first stanza but the next two stanzas get a bit tedious. I guess that is rather symbolic of what they are actually saying but I doubt that was intentional (hehe). It is difficult to make your daily schedule sound poetic but you gave it a good try.

You tell a great story with the middle part of the poem which I find not only compelling but sadly charming. You do an excellent job of conveying the love and emotion you feel for your daughter.

Next comes the disdain you feel for New Year's Resolutions which I think many of us can relate to. I love the intensity of this part. Well done.

As I said before I love the message at the end. I think it is an important thing to remember. Overall, I like the poem a lot but I think it could use a strict editing especially in the beginning when describing the drudgery of your day. I look forward to reading more of your poems. Thanks for sharing.

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Sinister Stories Contest  (13+)
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#1556724 by Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk

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Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello poison ivy,

I really like the concept of this story it is classic fantasy at its finest. The evil ambitious heir can't wait to rule so he kills the beloved ruler.

The first thing I would say is be careful not to over describe every little thing. You want to give the reader the general idea of the setting and surroundings and then let them image the it for themselves. The reader's imagination is always going to be more vivid and impressive than words can convey. You should let that work for you. Not to mention if you spend too much time describing every little detail the story starts to drag and the reader gets bored. You want to move the story along.

I notice in paragraph two you say
My father beholds...


The word you want to use here is "holds." A person holds a title, when you behold something that means you observe it.

This sentence:
He was born three summers before I was and was hence more mature then I was.


Watch repetition and redundancy. There are far too many "was" words in this sentence. I would reword it, maybe something as simple as...

He was born three summers before I and was hence more mature.


Overall, I think you have the basis for a great story. The core is there and it is interesting with a good amount of action and suspense. It just needs polished and even though it is a short piece I think it needs some tightening up. I would suggest going back over it and cutting out any unnecessary descriptive words. Good luck and thanks for sharing your story.

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Sinister Stories Contest  (13+)
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#1556724 by Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk

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Review of The Lullaby  
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with Horror, Inc.  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey Alynn,

Wow, this is so sad and poignantly tragic. It is beautifully haunting and a lovely tale but I am stunned at by the heart wrenching conclusion.

The relationship between these two girls is what makes this poem so beautiful. It is also what makes it so tragic. The love and tenderness shared between these sisters just rolls off these words in waves. I truly love it.

This is an exceptional piece, easily one of my favorites, although I find myself saying that about each new thing you write. This one really is special. Bravo!


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