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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/liseli/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/3
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952 Public Reviews Given
1,570 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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51
51
Review of Rayne Bolivantic  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, and thank you for entering "Summer Days Writing Contest -- CLOSED" . Your entry is appreciated.



What I Liked:

A fun piece. Lots of tension, an interesting world, characters that are pretty well developed for a short piece. Thanks for the enjoyable read.

Suggestions for Improvement:

My biggest problem with this piece is that it doesn't seem finished, or fully developed. We get mentions of an antagonist, like Lauraine, but they never come to life. Also, the descriptions of the types of people felt a little too rushed. I see this as a rough outline of what could be a longer, more developed piece.

There's a lot of backstory for such a short piece - the story about the birth and adoption, etc. This is all vital, but in such a short piece, it feels boring.

What happens next? Again, this is where the story doesn't feel finished. We find out what the narrator is, but, so what? What implications does it have? Why is this story worth reading? What does it imply or teach?

Final Notes:

Interesting premise that needs further development. You have a nice unique voice. I could see this going all the way to novel length.

If you have any further questions, just let me know. I'd be more than happy to help you develop this. Thanks for entering!


Thank you for your consideration, and I hope to see you in "Summer Days Writing Contest -- CLOSED"  again!

emerin-liseli


A sig for my personal use.
52
52
Review of Namaste  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello!



What I Liked:

I found the repetition pleasing to the ear and quite effective. As always, I love your phrasing and your word choice - such beautiful language. *Smile* I enjoyed this poem immensely.

Suggestions for Improvement:

Last stanza, first line - the semicolon should be a comma.

Consider playing with capitalization instead of arbitrarily capitalizing the first letter of each line.

Final Notes:

Thanks for sharing this poem - here's to hoping that someday, I shall also find my hands, heart, mind and soul doing something eternal. *Smile*

I really enjoyed sifting through your portfolio - your poetry is always such a pleasure to read.


Thank you for your consideration!

Cheers,

emerin-liseli


A sig for my personal use.
53
53
Review of I Remember  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello!



What I Liked:

This is a thoughtful, well-written poem that I could certainly relate to. My grandfather suffered from Alzheimer's before passing away about five years ago.

Suggestions for Improvement:

I think that ellipses were a little overused in this poem.

You'd just as soon wear your slippers

This line felt a little long. Maybe "might just wear your slippers" or "rather wear your slippers"?

Final Notes:

Thanks for sharing - I really enjoyed this poem. The last two stanzas were thought-provoking and put an interesting twist to the idea of memory.


Thank you for your consideration!

emerin-liseli


A personal sig
54
54
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, and thank you for entering "Summer Days Writing Contest -- CLOSED" . Your entry is appreciated.



What I Liked:

This is a fun story about two friends who decide to try an exciting stunt. I enjoyed your descriptions and the flow of the story. Thanks for a good read.

Suggestions for Improvement:

Most of my comments are grammatical. Don't want to point every single little thing out, so I'll let it suffice to say that you need to go back and proofread.

. . . a cleanup job in a single mothers' home. Missing an apostrophe.

spray painted O with a P inside of it marked the name of the craft. Unnecessary words - they convolute the sentence, changing the meaning.

I climbed on and with smiles and laughs as the water rose to our ankles. Sounds like the water is smiling and laughing.

floatation is misspelled - should be 'flotation.

Final Notes:

Hope these comments help - good luck with your story.


Thank you for your consideration, and I hope to see you in "Summer Days Writing Contest -- CLOSED"  again!

emerin-liseli


A sig for my personal use.
55
55
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, and thank you for entering "Summer Days Writing Contest -- CLOSED" . Your entry is appreciated.



What I Liked:

Beautiful poem - great imagery, and you definitely used the repetition well. There wasn't a single line that felt forced or out of place - nicely done!

Suggestions for Improvement:

A couple nitpickings - the commas around 'itself' in the first line, fifth stanza, are unnecessary.

Because of the tightly structured nature of this poem, I resist the imperfect rhyme of trees/free - maybe you could change the line to 'A cold wind hums from tree to tree' or something.

Final Notes:

Great poem - I really enjoyed it. Thanks for your entry!


Thank you for your consideration, and I hope to see you in "Summer Days Writing Contest -- CLOSED"  again!

emerin-liseli


A sig for my personal use.
56
56
Review of Butch  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello, and thank you for entering "Summer Days Writing Contest -- CLOSED" . Your entry is appreciated.



What I Liked:

*Laugh* Kids say the darnest things! What a fun story about a mom's boyfriend and her son. I enjoyed it immensely.

Suggestions for Improvement:

None - a perfect combination of wit, a child's voice, and a bit of sincerity. I think my only nitpicking is that Joey seemed a little older than eight-turned-nine - maybe nine-turned-ten. I don't know.

Final Notes:

Thanks for your entry! Write on!


Thank you for your consideration, and I hope to see you in "Summer Days Writing Contest -- CLOSED"  again!

emerin-liseli


Personal sig
57
57
Review of Lake  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello!

I'm Emerin from "Let's Publish!" , and I'm swinging around your portfolio.



What I Liked:

You have some beautiful images within this piece: the fish that cut the surface like a knife, for example. It's an interesting Shakespearean sonnet.

Suggestions for Improvement:

I did feel, however, that at times, the words succumb to the limitations of the form. For example, "so loudly" feels like you put that in just so the syllables will fit the form: the words are reflecting the format, not the other way around. Lines like the third line feels repetitive, and I'm unaware of what a mountain's knave is.

In the second stanza, sights and sky do not rhyme, while the second line doesn't adhere to the iambic pentameter form you use effectively in other lines. In structured poetry, you want every word to count. Take a look at the last line: if you are speechless, obviously you don't have a word to say, so it's repetitive.

Overall, I think the format is doing less for your poem that it should. Consider scrapping the rhyme and rhythm, and focusing instead on slant and internal rhyme; the beautiful images you developed; and the progression of the narrator's thoughts.

Final Notes:

I hope this review helps. If you have any questions, feel free to ask.


Thank you for your consideration!

emerin-liseli


A sig for my personal use.
58
58
Review of Infinite Spring  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello!

Here's a review from you gifted from "Invalid Item" !



What I Liked:

Beautiful description and interesting juxtaposition of images - expertly done. I loved lines like "spring cleaning of skeletonized brown".

Suggestions for Improvement:

I rest on the? gnarled knee of ancient oak

I am personally not a fan of titling a poem after its last line, as it strikes me as a little redundant. But this is a personal thing. *Smile*

Final Notes:

Cool poem! Write on!


Thank you for your consideration!

emerin-liseli


A sig for my personal use.
59
59
Review of Clowning Around  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello!

Here's a review from you gifted from "Invalid Item" !



What I Liked:

Cool story - I liked the narrator's voice. It was fresh and unique, and made the story easy to read. The attention to detail (such as the grasshopper) is fabulous, and makes the story come to life. I also liked her unique job, and the obstacles detailed in her way.

Suggestions for Improvement:

I think my one nitpicking is with the beginning - the "wake up and not know where I am" thing is a quite common theme, and while it is played nicely with the use of character voice, I thought that it was a little choppy in the beginning.

For instance, the last sentence of the first paragraph is a little strange to me. The speaker's eyes feel heavy and she suddenly falls asleep - however, sleep isn't an automatic, quick action. I wanted a little more description here e.g. My eyes felt as if there were lead weights on them, pushing me back into unconsciousness.

If I woke up somewhere unfamiliar, my immediate instinct would be to try to figure out where I was, or at least move my body, and there was none of that.

Final Notes:

Other than a few nitpicky notes at the beginning, this was awesome. Thanks for sharing!


Thank you for your consideration!

emerin-liseli


A sig for my personal use.
60
60
Review of Anniversary Party  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)


** Image ID #1238044 Unavailable **



Hello,

My name is emerin-liseli and I am a judge for "Rising Stars Shining Brighter" .

Thank you for entering!



What I Liked:

Well-written and a good narrative. I enjoyed your story and the characters you created were believable and easy to relate to. Nice job!

Suggestions for Improvement:

A few nitpickings:

It was she her and John's Golden Wedding Anniversary.

She couldn't just lie around like this; she must had to get busy!

An excruciating pain shot through her leg; its agony knotting knotted her stomach with nausea.

A semicolon connects two independent clauses, that is, two separate sentences.

Final Notes:

I had only a few nitpickings - this is a really well-written story. Thanks for sharing, and write on!


Thank you for your consideration!

Hugs,

Em
61
61
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (4.5)


** Image ID #1523746 Unavailable **



Hello,

My name is emerin-liseli and I am a judge for "Rising Stars Shining Brighter" .

Thank you for entering!



What I Liked:

Adorable! I especially loved the image. *Laugh*

Suggestions for Improvement:

I personally would not include the semicolon in the second line, because a haiku is to be as brief as possible, and that punctuation mark really isn't necessary.

Final Notes:

Thank you for your entry! Write on.


Thank you for your consideration!

Cheers,

Em
62
62
Review of Climax  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)


** Image ID #1523746 Unavailable **



Hello,

My name is emerin-liseli and I am a judge for "Rising Stars Shining Brighter" .

Thank you for entering!



What I Liked:

I feel like I may have told you this before, but I am continuously impressed by poems that tell stories. The moral at the end isn't forced or overdone. Well written.

Suggestions for Improvement:

I think my only spot of confusion is at the beginning - you state that her social life was inactive, but in the next line, you say "she wasn't shy", which seems like a slight contradiction.

Also, the meter was never consistent within this piece. I don't think it has to be in, say, pentameter, but I think you should stick to iambs because the rhyme felt awkward in places e.g. the first and second lines of the second stanzas. Adding a word like 'up' in order to make it 'up to the top would help to make the rhythm consistent.

Final Notes:

Nicely written - thanks for entering.


Thank you for your consideration!

Hugs,

Em
63
63
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello!

Here's a review from you gifted from "Invalid Item" !



What I Liked:

An absolutely beautiful piece - I don't know why, but it made me laugh. *Laugh* To me, it read more like prose poetry than anything else - the descriptions are quite lovely, and I enjoyed this.

Suggestions for Improvement:

I only have one:

I think 'cumulous' should be 'cumulus'.

Final Notes:


Write on!

Thank you for your consideration!

emerin-liseli


A sig for my personal use.
64
64
Review of Be my everything  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)


** Image ID #1523746 Unavailable **



Hello,

My name is emerin-liseli and I am a judge for "Rising Stars Shining Brighter" .

Thank you for entering!



What I Liked:

I like the use of an acrostic and the poem itself is quite sweet. Nicely written.

Suggestions for Improvement:

A few nitpicky notes:

Technically, there shouldn't be a space between the second to last and last stanza, since everything is one word.

Even when the rain falls, knowing your you're there eases my aching heart

A few grammatical nitpickings..

No matter how hard I tried not to,[;] it was lost at the first sight of you.

A comma here, not a semicolon. I would caution you against using the cliche "love at first sight".

I think that overall, you use the form quite effectively. However, there are times in which I felt that the line breaks were forced by the form; when the lines were especially long, it didn't feel natural. For instance, in the last line, I wanted to break that line into two because it was awkward to read as-is. I think you should really consider form v. function and see what you're willing to sacrifice in order to keep the form.

Final Notes:

Cool poem. A little tweaking will make it really shine.


Thank you for your consideration!

Hugs,

Em
65
65
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello!



What I Liked:

Ugh! The idea behind this story is absolutely horrifying! Man, I don't know how you came up with it, although I must say I wish I had your creativity when I want to write something dark....

Suggestions for Improvement:

I really enjoyed your story, but I felt at times that the style of writing wasn't quite as dark as the subject material. Take, for example, the title - which really is a quite common cliche for everything ranging to, omg, I failed a test to, wow, Darth Vader is my father. I would change it something a little more sinister, or at least something that is less melodramatic.

Horror functions at least in part because of its solemnity or at least the darkness of the language itself. The piece needs to take itself seriously, or else it will seem farcical.

Horror is most effective, at least to me, when it seems partly realistic. Therefore, I would stay away from the use of exclamation marks, because they're a little melodramatic. I also wanted more specific descriptions - the smell, for instance, that probably was in the basement if other rotting carcasses preceded her - to make this story more horrific. I also wanted a description of this guy. I think you could do a lot with it.

I think a paragraph at the end describing what would happen to Janie in gory detail - basically a skeleton left to rot in her own excrement - would make this story much more memorable and definitely creepier.

Final Notes:

The story isn't bad as it is, but it leaves a little too much to the imagination. I think fleshing out a couple aspects of this piece will make it even creepier.


Thank you for your consideration!

emerin-liseli


A sig for my personal use.
66
66
Review of Embrace  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
** Image ID #1549493 Unavailable **

Hello!



What I Liked:

Cool poem - I like the use of three line stanzas and the terse movement of this piece.

Suggestions for Improvement:

Consider capitalizing this poem as if it was prose, i.e. don't arbitrarily capitalize the first letter of every line.

He watched her restlessness
Anticipating the moment
Like prey.

This didn't make sense to me. If he's the one anticipating the moment, doesn't that make him the predator, not the prey?

I resist when you use phrases like 'body, heart and soul' because they are such cliches in poetry. Personally, I felt like that was a weak way to end the poem.

In general, I felt like this poem had too many abstract images. The parts that gave me shivers was stuff like 'cool fingers'. I wanted more of the concrete - specific images, colors, sensory detail.

Final Notes:

A good start - I think a little tweaking would make this poem even better.


Thank you for your consideration!

emerin-liseli
67
67
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
** Image ID #1549493 Unavailable **

Hello!



What I Liked:

Cool poem, and effective use of rhyme and meter. I am always impressed by poetry that can combine narrative and poetic elements. Nice job.

Suggestions for Improvement:

A couple nitpicky notes:

They were her father’s,[;]
Who died in World War IIeither a semicolon or period here


“Both filled with romantic notions”

You need some kind of punctuation here before the last quotation mark. Either a period of a comma.

Final Notes:

I enjoyed this piece. Thanks for sharing.


Thank you for your consideration!

emerin-liseli
68
68
Review of Ezzie  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
** Image ID #1549493 Unavailable **

Hello!



What I Liked:

A sweet story about a married couple and a woman's feelings about her life.I could relate to the way she felt trapped.

Suggestions for Improvement:

Just one grammatical note:

He gathered her close against him, letting her destroy his shirt with tears and mucous. I think there should be a comma here.

I think the story would be stronger if there were more specific scenes and examples. When you say something like She was going to have an interesting life with lots of exciting people. A life that involved exotic places, mystery and romance, I want a little more, some concrete images. Who would she consider "exciting"? What is exotic for her? The city? Some tropical location?

Final Notes:

A well-written story I enjoyed reading. Thanks for sharing!


Thank you for your consideration!

emerin-liseli
69
69
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: ASR | (4.5)


** Image ID #1238044 Unavailable **



Hello,

My name is emerin-liseli and I am a judge for "Rising Stars Shining Brighter" .

Thank you for entering!



What I Liked:

I liked the detailed way you created your character. Your story was most memorable when you went into specifics, showing Alice through her everyday activities.

Suggestions for Improvement:

Consider writing this story from the point of view of Alice herself. That might be interesting.

I was a bit confused from time to time about when things happened. Because Alice is in her fifties, but her parents died when she was five, I am assuming she has been on the streets for a long time. However, you state that "she is becoming accustomed to her new life" when from the rest of the story I infer that the street life is basically the only life she knew. Little things like that make the story confusing from time to time.

Final Notes:

Overall a strong story. Thanks for sharing.


Thank you for your consideration!

Hugs,

Em
70
70
Review of Tomorrow  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)


** Image ID #1523746 Unavailable **



Hello,

My name is emerin-liseli and I am a judge for "Rising Stars Shining Brighter" .

Thank you for entering!



What I Liked:

*Laugh*What a fun poem! I really enjoyed the descriptions, and I can definitely relate, being a a student myself.

Suggestions for Improvement:

There were a few places where I noticed the meter slipped from tetrameter:

Indian History – total mystery,

Too many syllables.

Sure fingers reach under cushion -

The meter isn't quite right.

Final Notes:

I loved the last word - Ah, tomorrow, that beautiful day. Thanks for sharing and for entering the Rising Stars Shining Brighter Contest!


Thank you for your consideration!

Hugs,

Em
71
71
Review of Eye  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)


** Image ID #1523746 Unavailable **



Hello,

My name is emerin-liseli and I am a judge for "Rising Stars Shining Brighter" .

Thank you for entering!



What I Liked:

Beautiful imagery and some startling images abound in this poem. This poem excelled at the stranger turns: "a snowflake in a bedlam spring"; "technicolour ballet", "bowl of her body". Lines like "There will be no acuity" are mysterious yet work well within the context. Unique and intersting - I enjoyed your poem.

Suggestions for Improvement:

Your first paragraph is weakest by far. Once we get into the rhythm of this piece, the strength of individual images emerges.

Enclosed within, the cosmic circus[,] sits
folded into four final squares,
which, waiting with beleaguered lines,
is still.

This sentence doesn't really make grammatical sense. I am assuming that the cosmic circus is the subject of this sentence - it is encolsed within and sitting folded. However, if that is so, the ambiguity doesn't work quite as well as it does in other parts of the poem. Enclosed within what? What does the "which" refer to? The squares? The circus? Could this be broken up into two sentences? As a starting sentence, it doesn't do much to entice me into reading more.

In general, I thought the first stanza to be weak, especially in comparison to the beautiful images to follow (e.g. compare "child's birthday card" to "silent and secret as circling birds").

it's photographic chamber recording only the pink insides,

You want the possessive here: its. No apostrophe.

wild, wisteria-haired woman.

If referring to the "five queenly wits" of the previous line, you want the plural: women.

In reference to the second-to-last line - what is "Ogape"? Do you mean "Agape"?

Final Notes:

Overall, a strong poem with great potential. I would love to reread this if you decided to edit.

Best of luck in the contest, and thanks for entering!


Thank you for your consideration!

Hugs,

Em
72
72
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)


** Image ID #1523746 Unavailable **



Hello,

My name is emerin-liseli and I am a judge for "Rising Stars Shining Brighter" .

Thank you for entering!



What I Liked:

A thought-provoking essay that I enjoyed reading. You certainly raise some interesting points, and I have to say that the same thing was done in Korea - the U.S. military reinstated the Japanese colonial government after Korea had been liberated, which is one of the factors that led to the Korean War. Anyway, enough about politics - let's get on with writing. *Smile*

You had a great, clear writing style, easy to understand and easy to follow. Even while explaining some complicated proceedings about Vietnam you managed to hold my interest. Nice job!

Suggestions for Improvement:

We (the US) The United States ignored this, and then supplied all the arms and 80% of the funds for the French to reinstate 'Colonialism' in Indochina.

Unnecessary parentheses. Also, 80% of what funds? U.S. tax payer dollars set aside for Vietnam? French money? UN money?

... when we invaded Vietnam with regular US troops[;] and lasted until 1975 ...

Unnecessary semicolon. Remember, semicolons are used either for extended lists or to pair two related independent clauses - a fancy way for saying two different sentences. So semicolons replace periods, not commas. Therefore, you'll never see a conjunction (and, but, yet) after a semicolon.

That's the reality behind much of our military adventurism in most of the Americas, SE southeast Asia, the Middle East, and other places: Simple truths which the sleepy, consumer indoctrinated American public sleeps through,[:] until the next round of innocents-our young "citizen soldiers" now made into professional mercenaries, are sent somewhere else to 'defend America' from its next designated communist/Islamic/dollar driven devil.

Whew!! That is one long monster of a sentence! If at all possible, I would break it up into more than one sentence. If not, see the minor punctuation changes I made. Also, in an essay, spell out "southeast".


Here are somesignificant quotes to ponder:

Missing a space here. Also - I liked the quotes, but I would have liked it better if they were somehow intertwined into the essay, instead of just a few quotes crammed at the end. Perhaps your take on these different opinions or an interpretation would be interesting.

Final Notes:

An enlightening and informative essay - thank you for sharing! I hope my comments are helpful, and if you need any clarification, I am at your service.


Thank you for your consideration!

Cheers,

Em
73
73
Review of The Rose  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: ASR | (4.5)


** Image ID #1523746 Unavailable **



Hello,

My name is emerin-liseli and I am a judge for "Rising Stars Shining Brighter" .

Thank you for entering!



What I Liked:

Ooh, creepy... certainly gave me the shivers! *Smile* And the picture gives the poem just the right touch. I'm always impressed by poetry that can tell a story...and yours does so effectively while working within a constrained rhyme and meter. Nicely done!

Suggestions for Improvement:

Just a few comments:

It began in 1860 in a mining town, the story goes.

This particular line has a few more syllables than all the others - it threw me off a little. A little tweaking could reduce the line.

... with her dying breath,
she spat a curse at them and said, "Not even death

Just need two commas.

Final Notes:

I enjoyed reading your poem. Thank you for sharing!


Thank you for your consideration!

Hugs,

Em
74
74
Review of Alex and Nicole.  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello!

This is a review gifted to you by your secret pal!



What I Liked:

Heartfelt and emotionally sincere - I enjoyed this little blurb the most out of everything else I read in your port. It felt "real", if that makes any sense.

Suggestions for Improvement:

Again, I only have grammatical nitpickings:

How come Barbara didn't love her anymore?[.] She faced a life of emptyness emptiness and on top of that hearding voices in her head telling her she's useless and pathetic and hardly ever one anyone telling her to the contrary.

Upset, depressed and alone, Nicole still lived her life to the best of her abilities.


Final Notes:

I want to find out more about this character - I know you've started this as a campfire, but I think this would be wonderful as a freestyle prose piece as well. Consider expanding and posting as a static.

Good luck with your writing! I really enjoyed going through your portfolio.


Thank you for your consideration!

emerin-liseli


A sig for my personal use.
75
75
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello!

This is another review from your secret pal!!



What I Liked:

Definitely a cute advertisement, and I loved your specific descriptions and use of imagination!

Suggestions for Improvement:

Just a few grammatical notes:

Well, bring them to us and we’ll take care of it for you! Missing a comma here.


We always encourage our guests to take care of themselves. I don't quite understand this sentence. How do you encourage animals to take care of themselves? Do you mean that you have dog training facilities?

And if they want help, we have excellent support staff to bathe and groom.

Final Notes:

A cute little advertisement - I would love to see this become a full-fledged story, because as it is, it doesn't do much. Maybe you could have a client come with their pet, and have someone show them around the facility. That would make it a story, and probably much more interesting.


Thank you for your consideration!

emerin-liseli


A sig for my personal use.
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