It is a nice poem. The end lines are worth show-casing here--
But childish wonder remains,
Even though countless dull science classes have explained to me what the sky is,
I see it differently,
The sky itself seems like that endless blue-and-white blanket
I used on late cool summer nights
To hide from darkness
By pulling it over my body
And holding up the small electrical sun.
It is a wonderful poem. Here is creativity at its best. You have woven two streams in the same poem--a moralistic one blended with the eternal love theme. You included in it humour, pathos and emotion and fun--all in a poem that talked of little birds!
It is a nice poem with a bit of abstract mysticism that is easily comprehensible. Expressions are a bit quaint at places. There are no mistakes.
M C Gupta
This poem is a pleasure to read. I have never read a poem so far on this theme. This is what is called creativity. And when creativity is clear in the confines of rhyme and meter, that makes for winning poetry.
It is a good poem. It brings out beautifully the travails of a foot traveller, hitch hiking, hoping for someone to give him a lift when it is dark and dreary. The imagery is abundant and appropriate. There are no mistakes.
Thanks for entering your poem in the "FIVE STAR POETRY CONTEST:editor's choice" . It is a nice poem with a nice theme. The imagery is soft and abundant. The flow could improve if, in your discretion, you wish to follow a less variable meter. The line lengths currently vary between 6 and 11 syllables.
You may also attend to the following:
The moon looks down upon my bossom
>> bosom
The spring and summer brings green life again
>> bring
The theme of your sonnet is nice but it has 3 9-syllable lines: Lines 2, 10 and 14. That detracts from its quality, I am sure you can take care of this.
It is a good sonnet. I could find no deficiency. The rhymes and syllabic counts are appropriate. Word choice is good. The scenario and the feelings are fitting.
This poem is obviously the result of great labour. However, my feeling is that your self-imposed constraints came in the way of proper and meaningful expression that might be easily understood by the reader and leave an impact on the heart.
Who won't be excited to read a piece which is described as
"Finally getting the nerve to ask Sarah out, Tom finds his best day might just be his last"?
**
You have a good and engaging style of writing that holds attention and entertains. There are no mistakes.
Keep it up.
I am reproducing below some interesting scenes:
**
Through the schoolyard, Sarah is running after JACK, a boy
in her third grade class who has taken her baseball glove.
SARAH
Give it back!
JACK
Girls aren’t supposed to play
baseball.
SARAH
Well, I do. Now give it back, Jack,
or I’ll pound you.
Jack runs backwards as he teases Sarah by waving the glove
just out of reach.
MALE (V.O.)
It wasn’t an unusual occurrence for
Sarah to torture boys verbally, and
sometimes physically. She just
didn’t think it was fair that they
were able to play sports and fill
Tonka trucks with dirt without
getting comments that they should
be playing with dolls instead.
***
From that moment, Sarah realized
that Tom was nicer than most boys
she’d met. So she refrained from
torturing him like she did the
others.
MALE (V.O.)
Even all those years ago, shortly
after they met, Sarah remembered
entertaining the notion of being
Mrs. Thomas J. Mitchell. Of course,
back then, she would never let him
know that.
This is an immensely readable story / drama. Your style is interesting. The description of Jim sending an e mail as the plane is falling down is great. So is the following:
**
STANLEY HIGGINS had been late only
once in his entire life. He was
always on time...always. In fact,
even when he was due to be born,
his mother pushed him screaming
into the world - ON TIME...
NARRATOR
Stanley would rather be dead than
late.
000000000000000
There are no mistakes in general. The following needs to be corrected:
Out of the corner of his eye, a rolling cart and
the legs of flight attendant, AMY, mid-twenties comes into
view.
I always like good poems written for children. As a matter of fact, what is enjoyed by children is enjoyed by adults as well since in each of us still lurks somewhere the eternal child.
It is a nice thought to say "Imagine the war and the blood that is shed would fill the ocean with tears". These sixteen words may not comprise a poem but convey a lot along with the associated picture.
SUGGESTION
You may replace the 16 words by the following 11.
Imagine the war
Then imagine an ocean
Full of bloody tears.
You will then have a perfect haiku accomanying a perfect picture with a perfect 5 star rating.
If you like the idea, feel free to grab it. This haiku is not a part of my port.
This poem needs work up. At least three aspects in any writing immediately come to mind--Language; content; style. The first is most important. Something with good content and style will be no use if the language is bad. Defects of language include: grammar; spelling; punctuation; and, use of proper case.
You need to start with the language. The least difficult aspect of language is to use capitals when needed, as in--
"I used to think i thought too much and i know too much to think i dont.
If i drown will i float?"
--M C Gupta
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