It is a very nice poem. Poems in the gastronomy genre are rare. You have done full justice to the theme which would don't an ordinary poet. By writing a long poetic description of the culinary delights and sensations in a manner replete with rich vocabulary without any grammatical or spelling mistakes, you have shown your rich talent.
Discontent, and mellow acception,
Malice, and clandestine exertion,
Cramped pains and fractionated memory -
Brought to a beam so painful it must be concealed;
No feeling can be allowed
Or a total breakdown will be shrouded by tears.
>>>Acception? fractionated? {fractured might be better]; shrouded by tears? [the better form would be--shrouded in tears.]
She hurts so deeply,
She's been hurt so deeply,
By all that she's cared for -
Her only peace is knowing her pain lives.
>>>There appears to be inconsistency of feelings here.
Here is a great poem in good rhyme with fair flow, having a basic and evergreen message for the mankind--to toil hard, not to have too much, because much brings much greed. That is what Jesus taught through his parables.
Your poem will improve further if you can take care of maintaining a constant meter / syllabic scheme.
Nice poem. Uses some unusual similes--such as the short stick. The comparison of one's sweet heart's love with that between a brother and sister certainly is unusual.
--Flow can be enhanced. Too much variability in line length can be reduced.
--You start with you, change to he, then revert to you in the poem. Constancy must be maintained.
look for your actions to bring a about its return,
>> look for your actions to bring about its return,
00
I wonder if I’m flawed and what he might have seen?
>> I wonder if I’m flawed and what you might have seen?
[In previous 4 stanzas, you have used you, not he.]
This is a wonderful poem. I felt a few stanzas could be reworked to enhance the flow. This happens when a verse is not in meter and some lines are too long. You might like to especially have a re-look at stanzas 6 and 7.
It is a nice poem. My first feeling on reading it was that it is too short. Sometimes a poem has to be short because of its form, such as a haiku or limerick or because of its nature or content. A poem on true love in rhyme does not have such constraint.
my second feeling was that though written in rhyme, the rhythm can possibly be enhanced.
This article is probably meant to provide an insight to the reader about what haunts a female teenager's mind about her looks and clothes. It does provide a bit of that.
It needs to be polished.
*****
I would have submit to the surrounding call if not for the warm interference of my own mother.
>>> submitted
*
I resume my stance with in the racks of closing
>>> Probably you meant--"I resume my stance within the racks of clothing"
This poem is a bit difficult to understand fully. Vagueness due to mystery, symbolism, abstractness etc.is fine in poetry. But vagueness due to uncertainty of grammar, punctuation etc. is best avoided. Lines 5,6 and 7 clearly point to avoidable vagueness. Moreover, it helps the reader if the poem is divided into verses / stanzas etc.
You have tried to write a ghazal. It is not. The most important and essential attribute of a ghazal is the set of rhyming words, there being two of such words in the first couplet and one in the second line of each succeeding couplets.
I thought it best to illustrate this by attempting to write a ghazal of my own using your seed line--"The Moon is no longer able to rise". You may view it at--"MOON IS NO LONGER ABLE TO RISE:ghazal" .
It is not easy to write a pantoum. You have written it well. Besides the poetical aspect, this poem has a clear and practical message--not to be so drowned in work / pursuit of wealth as to lose the pleasure of living.
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