§ Forsaken §'s (nann0827) Reviews

§ Forsaken §

Review Requests: OFF

1,172 Public Reviews Given

1,361 Total Reviews Given

Favorite Genres

fantasy,sci-fi, dark, nature, mythology

Favorite Item Types

Poetry, flash fiction

51

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#3627050

Review of WEATHERED STONES

Review by § Forsaken §

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.

First Impressions

Wonderful.

Questions/Suggestions

There are a couple of spots where you have commas and I don't think you need them. Stanza 3, before "to rest" and stanza 5 before "of some."

Overall

This piece really touched me. The images were so clear. There's an old cemetery I drive by and I've often wondered who they were and what happened in their lives. You paint a picture of each person that the tombstones belong to. I was spellbound from beginning to end. The last stanza is heartbreaking. The losses are sad enough, but that they are forgotten and neglected... Excellent job.

Keep writing!!!

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52

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#3626969

Review of REUNION

Review by § Forsaken §

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.

First Impressions

This is a nice piece. It didn't quite go where I expected at first.

Questions/Suggestions

I'm not familiar with the great fire of 1952. I think a little extra information on that might be nice to give the piece a little more depth.

Overall

At first, I expected it to have something to do with Vietnam or 9/11. I like the way you addressed it and worked towards the revelation of who (or what) he was. The last line is interesting. It could be taken in different ways. I like the open ending. Good job!

Keep writing!!!

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53

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#3626967

Review of MID LIFE CRISIS

Review by § Forsaken §

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.

First Impressions

A wonderful and intriguing piece. It really made me think.

Questions/Suggestions

In the third stanza, it seems like you are contradicting yourself almost. What I got was: It isn't true that middle age is not between 40 and 50. I think you mean the opposite that middle age is no longer just between 40 and 50. I would omit one of the negatives.

Overall

The piece flows well and your rhymes are great. This is a great piece that I'm sure many people can relate to. Our lives are changing as we live longer and things don't go as planned. Great job!

Keep writing!!!

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54

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#3621658

Review of Dog

Review by § Forsaken §

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.

First Impressions

I love pieces about animals.

Questions/Suggestions

I'm not quite sure about the first line. Do you mean they live in the country or they're (you have their) country like in country music, the way they live?

Overall

Your rhymes and flow are excellent. The story moves beautifully and I had chills towards the end. It's a gorgeous story and the ending is perfect, though sad. Excellent job!

Keep writing!!!

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55

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#3621538

Review of PURE WATER

Review by § Forsaken §

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.

First Impressions

An intriguing piece, I think it grows the more you read it.

Questions/Suggestions

I'm not sure about "pleasantry" in the second line. When I read it, it reads as a description of the water, which doesn't make sense to me. The more I read this first stanza, the better I think I understand it, but I still feel like I'm missing something.

The first line of the second stanza is not a complete sentence. You might rearrange it to make the subject more clear. At first, I assumed you were still referring to the water, but the rest of the stanza is about man, so I'm not sure.

Overall

I really appreciate the note at the end explaining the rhyme scheme for a Cornish Sonnet. The rhymes are good, though some of them feel like a bit of a stretch. I liked the second stanza. Your picture of man waiting to get into heaven was clear. The piece flows very well. Good job.

Keep writing!!!

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#3620012

Review of Heaven and Hell

Review by § Forsaken §

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.

First Impressions

I like how you gave the parable a life and story.

Questions/Suggestions

You might specify your meter for the second version. I didn't find a specific pattern.

Overall

Personally, I prefer the metered version of the piece. They are both good pieces, however I feel the extra work put into the second version, makes it shine a little bit more. Also, there are a few word choices that I prefer in the second version (frustrated versus insolent, for instance). They rhymes are good and I enjoyed the story and message. Good job!

Keep writing!!!

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#3617855

Review of Love Like That

Review by § Forsaken §

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.

First Impressions

The flow and rhymes move the piece along very well.

Questions/Suggestions

You might consider adding an extra line to the first stanza. Since it has an odd number of lines, you have nothing to rhyme "sand" in line 3 with.

I was a little confused in the first stanza. You introduce a little boy as being "alone." In the next line "we laughed at her and him." I'm not sure who "we" are and were she came in if the boy is alone. At the end of the stanza, you refer to him as "the lonely little boy", yet he has the love and joy that you desire. These images appear opposites to me.

In the seventh line of the last stanza, "last" should be "lasts." At the end of the piece, I get the idea that he is telling her all this and how he feels. And I’m telling you now. Your brief description indicates that he never told her how he felt. If you wanted to keep them separate, as if he never did tell her, you might do something like "If only I could tell you now." Or something similar to change the image. Otherwise, I would recommend editing the description so it matches the piece.

Overall

I love the flow and the rhymes. You have some great descriptions and I like how, as the piece progressed, the ages of the couples changed and aged. It helps to move the piece forward. It feels like a song to me. Good job.

Keep writing!!!

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#3617851

Review of The Animals and Christmas

Review by § Forsaken §

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)

Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.

First Impressions

This is a lovely piece.

Questions/Suggestions

In the second stanza, I believe "mother" should be capitalized in this instance.

Overall

I love how you wove in little bits here and there of lines from Christmas songs. It adds a great touch. I like the animals you have represented. I love the part in stanza three where the calf "wonders how far away is far?" It's a great image. Great job!

Keep writing!!!

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59

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#3615294

Review of Bella

Review by § Forsaken §

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.

First Impressions

Thanks for introducing us to Bella.

Questions/Suggestions

The first line makes the piece sound like an introduction, as though Bella is right here with us. This is great, but, as you indicate in the last sentence, we can't see her. I would suggest adding a picture of Bella to the piece, then omit the last sentence.

In the second sentence, I would change "who" to "and." She is my assistance dog and really enjoys her work.

In the second paragraph, "wondering" should be "wandering." You need a comma after "her" in the first sentence of the third paragraph.

Overall

This is a nice introduction to Bella. I would like to see some more descriptions. I think you could have more details and information. For instance, what sort of tasks does she do for you? What type of evaluation was done? I'd love to learn more. She sounds like an amazing dog.

Good job!

Keep writing!!!

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60

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#3614809

Review of Poor Poet

Review by § Forsaken §

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.

First Impressions

A very intriguing story. Not the sort of lost pet I would have imagined.

Questions/Suggestions

Is Marya Ileina's mother? I was a little confused when she and the grandma were talking. Why would they build another fire? And why was isn't it a good idea to tell them the dancing was over?

Overall

I liked the ending, but I'm not quite sure how I feel about the father contradicting her grandma. Personally, I would have liked to have thought it was a different elk leading Poor Poet home or Poor Poet, himself, coming back. Her father brings the story back down to a more realistic perspective, which is good in its own right. Good job!

Keep writing!!!

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#3614390

Review of Broken

Review by § Forsaken §

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.

First Impressions

A beautiful, heart wrenching piece.

Questions/Suggestions

In the third stanza, I think "breath" should be "breathe."

Overall

I enjoyed the flow and the way you have the piece set up. Your rhymes are good and seem to connect the piece so it flows effortlessly. There's so much emotion in this piece. It really touched me. I can relate; I think we all can. The last stanza is a perfect end. It's concise and it's simplicity really sends the message home. Excellent job!

Keep writing!!!

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62

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#3611966

Review of Does God Wait for his Toast?

Review by § Forsaken §

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.

First Impressions

I love the question you picked. You pose a very intriguing series of questions.

Questions/Suggestions

The only thing I might question/suggest is the last stanza. I, personally, would change "so" to something that would better connect the last stanza to the rest of the piece, like "yet" or "but" or even "still."

Overall

I like to ponder things like this too. I like how you leave all the questions open and unanswered so that we can wonder too. I love the second to last stanza that shows your perspective and how you would do things. I have to agree with you on slowing down. Great job!

Keep writing!!!

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#3610852

Review of Zen Garden

Review by § Forsaken §

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.

First Impressions

A lovely piece. It matches the title very well.

Questions/Suggestions

Are you following a specific pattern or form? I didn't find a specific meter scheme, but it feels like there might be a method to the rhythm.

Overall

The title set me up to expect a specific picture and the piece itself delivered all the images. I found it to be a very calming and soothing piece, perfectly matched to the subject. This is a beautiful piece. Great job!

Keep writing!!!

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#3610259

Review of One Too Many--a Tale of An Aging Chick

Review by § Forsaken §

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.

First Impressions

The story didn't go where I thought it would based on the title. The story moved well.

Questions/Suggestions

None.

Overall

I love the dancing chicks at the end. The images are cute and really tie into the piece. You kept with the "chick" theme very well. The dialog is excellent; it sounds very real. Great job!

Keep writing!!!

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65

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#3608176

Review of The Creature (2nd. Twisted Tales)

Review by § Forsaken §

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: ASR

| (3.0)

Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.

First Impressions

The title piques my curiosity and the opening section makes me wonder even more what the creature is.

Questions/Suggestions

In the first paragraph, you don't need a dash between "mouth" and "dry". I would add a verb there instead. I think you have a little too much punctuation in the first sentence. If you end a dialog with punctuation, you don't need the comma after the quotation marks. For instance, you could do ""I don't believe in ghosts," Ollie whispered. This is true for all the dialog in the piece. Instead of: "Him--who?", John asked. I would do: "Him who?" John asked.

In the fifth line of dialog after the opening sequence, you need one more set of closing quotation marks to end her dialog. In the ninth line, the double negative felt a little awkward to me. Maybe you could do something like, Don't you dare disbelive me!

In the section where Ollie talks to the creature, I felt like Ollie went back and forth a little bit with the spiritual dialog. One moment he threatens the creature with Hell, then he denounces it and says there is no Hell, but then talks about Satan. Is he just grasping, trying to find the creature's weakness?

In the last paragraph, I think the first word should be "there" not "here."

Overall

This is an interesting piece. It needs a little editing, but the foundation of the story is good. I was really surprised by the twist in the end, especially the discovery of who "Ollie" really is. The ending paragraph is completely opposite of the opening paragraph. It's an intriguing to see how the boy acts versus how he really is. Good job.

Keep writing!!!

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#3606667

Review of Berserk

Review by § Forsaken §

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.

First Impressions

The title gave me an idea of where the piece might be going. You followed my train of thought but each bit was unexpected.

Questions/Suggestions

In the fourth paragraph, the second sentence is really a phrase and doesn't stand well on its own. I think it might be better to connect it with the first sentence.

Overall

Loved it! I have been there myself, albeit in a different situation. The ending is realistic. I'm glad he didn't really go beserk. Sometimes we need those little moments to keep going. Great job!

Keep writing!!!

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#3602161

Review of Your Today

Review by § Forsaken §

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.

First Impressions

The first stanza immediately caught my attention. The rhythm and flow carried me effortlessly through the piece.

Questions/Suggestions

The only suggestion I would have is that the item description of "seeing the small things" might give a different impression than the piece. I would have expected to have more detail and description shown of the "small things."

Overall

I really enjoyed this piece. I think we can all relate. You've taken a good road to future happiness. I like how the piece moves from wishing to being content with what you have. The rhymes are good and the piece flows very well. Great job!

Keep writing!!!

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#3600490

Review of Covered Trails

Review by § Forsaken §

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.

First Impressions

I enjoyed the rhymes and meter. I love the confession in the opening line.

Questions/Suggestions

I think the ellipses would serve better as periods. The two lines with ellipses are complete sentences and don't feel as if anything is missing or are leading.

I'm not sure about the word "mound" in the last stanza. I find it difficult to find the image you want to express.

Overall

I liked the images and feelings you expressed. I especially enjoyed the last line. There's something about "meant to be" that speaks volumes to me. Great job!

Keep writing!!!

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#3597250

Review of An introduction of sorts

Review by § Forsaken §

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.

First Impressions

This is an intresting piece as it gives us a brief glimpse and introduction to you.

Questions/Suggestions

I find it intriguing that you admit that the description may be misleading. Perhaps you could find a more accurate description?

In the last paragraph, you have "the posts" set off with commas. This is not necessary because 'the posts' is the object; they are what we can see or review.

Overall

I appreciate your honesty and the introduction. It gives us an idea of what we might expect to find in your portfolio.

Keep writing!!!

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#3594351

Review of Mystery Meat

Review by § Forsaken §

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.

First Impressions

This didn't go quite the way I thought it would based on the title. I had an idea though once I got through the first paragraph.

Questions/Suggestions

In the seventh paragraph, I don't think you need the sentence, We were forty when we first left the shelter in parentheses. I think it would work well as a separate sentence or even joined to the prior with a semi-colon.

Overall

I like the inset dialog. It gives an added view to the situation you are describing. I especially liked the last line of dialog. The image behind the line is dark and disturbing, but the way you have it written is humorous. I like how you use The good folks at Midwest Nuclear Research had seen to that. to add continuity to the piece. You did a great job with this piece.

Keep writing!!!

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#3594347

Review of WORKING IN THE MILL

Review by § Forsaken §

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.

First Impressions

This piece has great depths that aren't noticed at first. With each stanza, you go farther and farther down. It's sad in its simplicity as seen from the child's eyes.

Questions/Suggestions

I would probably add periods to the ends of the sentences within the piece. That's the only suggestion I can make.

Overall

In this day and age, I don't think much about child labor. I'm sure many don't. I know things like this still go on in the world. More than we imagine probably. Your rhymes and the rhythm are well done. This is an excellent piece. Great job!

Keep writing!!!

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#3591665

Review of You Poetry Reviewers

Review by § Forsaken §

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.

First Impressions

I wasn't sure at first what to expect from this piece based on the title. I found a piece I can completely relate to and I enjoyed the tone and rythm.

Questions/Suggestions

In line six, claiming your just not avant garde, is this the critic saying that you aren't avant garde? "Your" should be "you're." I think quotation marks might help clear up any possible confusion there as well.

Overall

I really enjoy this piece. I feel almost weird reviewing a piece about reviewers though!

I really enjoyed this piece. I especially liked the lines How can you really judge another one's art, / When we open up our soul / To expose our heart. I could really relate to that sentiment.

Great job!

Keep writing!!!

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#3589516

Review of Empty Tracks

Review by § Forsaken §

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.

First Impressions

I like the flow and rhymes. Your imagery is really good.

Questions/Suggestions

Personally, I like to see poems have the same punctuation that they would were they written in a different structure (standard sentences). I would suggest adding more punctuation.

I thought the last two lines in the second stanza didn't flow quite as well as the rest. I would change "had" to "once" and "don't" to "won't". This is just my personal opinion. Also, "Its" in the third stanza should be "It's".

Overall

It's a beautiful piece. It reminds me of a time when I was young and would hear the train whistle blow and I would run outside and count the cars and wait to see the caboose. Memories are just shadows of the past. This is an excellent piece and I enjoyed reading it.

Keep writing!!!

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74

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#3585869

Review of Calm After the Storm

Review by § Forsaken §

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.

First Impressions

I really like the flow of the piece. You caught my attention right away in the first stanza.

Questions/Suggestions

Part of me thinks that the "in" at the end of the first line of the last stanza would feel better at the beginning of the second line. I think it's probably best as you have it though. The syllabics fit and it might make the middle line too lengthy.

Overall

I can certainly relate to this piece, though from a different perspective. It makes me appreciate my parents so much more when I look back at my adolescence. Great job!

Keep writing!!!

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#3197014

Review of Ties That Blind

Review by § Forsaken §

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Thank you for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. All suggestions and comments are my personal opinions and are shared in a spirit of helpfulness. Remember, it's your piece to do with as you see fit.

First Impressions

I really like the layout and the interweaving of quotes.

Questions/Suggestions

In the third section, Protection is against the fear, I'm not sure about the subject "protection," how it goes against something. That line just left me a little bit confused.

Overall

I love how you set this piece up. It's like two (or three if you include the quotes) piece intertwined. It's a heavy, serious, sad piece. It's true that we spend so much time looking a strangers and at shadows for evil when it can be right behind us or even walking beside us. Great job!

Keep writing!!!

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