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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/nixie9
Review Requests: OFF
2,954 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
Template most of the time, covering setting/plot/characters/conflict/resolution if applicable. For shorter works, I concentrate more on feelings evoked.
I'm good at...
Short story, chapter reviews and in-depth reviews.
Favorite Genres
Sci-fi, Romance, mystery, children's
Least Favorite Genres
Historical
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novel chapters
Least Favorite Item Types
essay, editorial, non-fiction, somebody's homework assignment
I will not review...
XGC, poems, prose. I am an animal activist and vegan, so cruelty or violent, unnecessary, death due to negligence is overwhelming. I am unable to review any pieces involving abuse of any kind to anyone. I like to keep my corner or the world happy, because I grew beyond my "challenges" of childhood and don't want to look back.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Winchester. Nixie here again, fulfilling your request to read over the changes you made. I was so happy to give you a higher rating! Great edits.


Ah, and this time you included what the proper response was supposed to be. *chekcg*

*Starg* And you added so many details—I especially liked the way the hypodermic felt in his hand. I wasn't so sure about 'greasy' (was his hair slicked back?) Slippery would be enough. Or, you have the option of him sweeping back his slicked hair, if you want that description to stay.

*Star* Not'Natasha became more real with the adjustments you made. And the ending was just precious, left with her wondering if she'd missed a chance at dating a great guy. (I'm thinking she was lucky to escape.) Who knows what Martin's mission was? It sounded nefarious, at the least.

*Questiong* I wanted it to be perfectly clear who boarded the bus. It was the one he was flirting with, right? So he still has a shot with the woman he was supposed to meet.

Sorry I'm skipping around a bit.

*Starg* I forgot to tell you last time how I laughed over him talking out the side of this mouth. *Laugh* Someone didn't train this spy very well. And as the mission nose-dived, he became bolder and bolder. The escalation was a good way to show his emotions.

Bang-up job editing the dialogue. The scene comes alive now.

A few bumps
amused giggle
Since giggles are considered amusing, I don't think you need [amused]. Remember, more equals less. The reader fills in the blanks.

Down with [was]!

You're still stuck on those passive sentences. Here's an example of rewrite, using only your words. I'll demonstrate the easy way, the best would be to show her fun, maybe using facial expressions, or tossing her hair over her shoulder. That's a sure sign that a woman is interested.


“Yes it izz,” the girl enunciated her words carefully, matching his accent. [She was having fun.]
*Down*

“Yes it izz,” the girl enunciated her words carefully, matching his accent and enjoying herself.

*Starr* One way I check for an overabundance is to copy my work over to a word program and search for that sneaky [was]. It's a sure sign a rewrite is required. Or, when you do a w/c here, check how many three and four letter words you have. I've never tried that, though.

I'm seriously trying to wrap this up. *Pthb*
BTW: I'm not sure the [izz] was enough to demonstrate his accent. Are you dead set on keeping that part of the story? Did it influence the plot? If you want to show him as a foreigner (if that's germane to the plot) can you find another way?

Okay, so this is a solid four now, but I threw so many more editing comments at you, and you did some amazing editing, you deserve the 4.5. *Bigsmile*

Last thought, promise.

Keep on writing! You've improved this story so much. If you're tired of working with it, go forward and write something else from what you've conquered. And there won't be any [was] or passive sentences, right? *Laugh* Outstanding effort! *Checkg*




Me with another persona. Am I a spy?

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2
2
Review of Forgiveness  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Ned. I found your story using the read and review option.

Overall Impression
I read this because I'm familiar with the topic. I saw an article in a magazine stating the same. We have to forgive the one who made the mistake. I forgave the boy who had his car T-boned, seriously injuring my 15 year old daughter. No good came from my forgiveness. It led to more heartache.

That's not exactly what happened here. Martin was unable to forgive himself. In my case, the kid thought the accident was 'cool' and liked talking about what happened to his car, and how his shoes came off. I don't think he experienced any remorse or guilt. He wasn't injured in the crash.

Reading on
Strong opening scene showing an anguished Martin. We don't know what's going on, only that something awful happened. In paragraph four, we're introduced to a sweet kid named Daniel. I wish the word [was] didn't appear so many times, and the description could have been lively. Perhaps by observance, which leads to the next problem.

Nowhere was Martin mentioned when Daniel was killed. Now, we can surmise that from the beginning, but Martin simply has to be in that scene. Of course, this is told from Martin's memories, but I think Martin can be worked into the scene. Maybe he remembers yelling at Daniel. Or trying to stop the cops.

Closing comments

It's definitely a valid story. The message is important and I had to stop and think about what happened and what I learned. You made me care about Martin.

Looks as though you were hampered by a word count, which can make writing trickier.

Best of luck in your writing journey. Never stop. *Smile*




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3
3
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi Winchester. Nixie here. I found your item via random review


*Vine1* Initial reaction

The title piqued my interest and the brief description encouraged me to read. I liked the presentation. The font wasn't impossibly small to read, and the paragraphing was correct. Those are small things, but I often pass by a story because it's all jumbled up.

The first sentence wowed me. *Shock2* Nicely done. (It looks like it was a prompt phrase.) You took the story to another level with it.

*Vine2* Overall Impression
Writing's not too bad. The first paragraph contained a run-on sentence. That wasn't necessarily a bad thing, because it conveyed the worry of Boris, the sense of urgency and racing thoughts. But remember, that's your second chance to pull in a reader.

Multiple POV switches were easy to follow. how every character reacts to the other was compelling. This approach doesn't always work, but you pulled it off. Good job.

*Vine1* The sticky parts
Check this over and see how many times the word [was] appeared. You might want to reword those into something more active.

Mostly, the interaction was shown through eyes, which was a little heavy-handed. And then this sentence popped up. (see below} How did he feel her eyes? Maybe he felt her eyes looking at him. Which brings up a few other problems. Words like [felt] [just] [very] are filler words and don't add anything to the story. Ditch those.

He felt her eyes and looked at her..

*Vine1* More positives

I liked the part of describing him by smell. (bay leaves). And when the smell reminded her of her grandfather, I wondered if Boris was an elderly gentleman.

I liked the other interaction between them, other than looking. The sentence when Not-Natasha swatted his knee was well-written. Her personality was cute and bright. A girl easy to talk to, and a girl who doesn't judge. I enjoyed reading her inner thoughts. Whatever Boris was up to, she played him off as a goof-ball.

*Vine1* That's a wrap
I don't like saying this, but the last sentence made no sense at all. Was she referring to Boris's attention to her? I don't know. It seemed weird, and maybe this could be expanded, or referenced earlier. That way, the oddity would make more sense.

Poor Boris. *Sad* But he still has a chance to meet the girl across the street, yes?

Keep writing!




image for when I feel dark

Nixie Overwatch Guardian
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group


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4
4
Review of Correct Meeple  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Prof. I found your story using the read and review option.


Overall Impression
I get a kick out of what sometimes comes up via random. I probably would have passed this by, but I saw the first words in bold text and figured, well, I'm here.

Following the exercise
So you were handed this work with the wrong words and had to correct them? The entire piece was enjoyable, even if it was for a class. I think some people get (there) (their) and (they're) mixed up, especially if English is not ones first language.

(sixteen) was a test for knowing when to type out a number or spell it?

(an)unicorn music box. That sounds really weird. I definitely would have used (a).

It's also important to remember how to use (good) and (well). One time, I asked a waitress how she was doing, and she replied (good), but quickly corrected herself (well). I really need to check out the correct usage. Sentence five demonstrated the difference.

Closing comments
I think it's a good idea to leave this up for review. Since it's all correct, I'd probably mark this as (review only, no rating). And it seems you didn't actually write the story itself, so it's weird to comment on that part. However...

Maybe you can pass along my enjoyment. My favorite part was the frosting smear and silly string.




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5
5
Review of An Angel's Wing  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Bren. Nixie here, who landed on this item via the carrier random review.

Initial Reaction
I couldn't help but notice the 21 five star reviews, which makes this review seem kind of silly. But the angel, so pretty, wouldn't let me pass. Then I saw the beautiful presentation, and that was that. The colored font looks fantastic.

Falling
Yes, falling. That's what it felt like as I followed the lines with my eyes, whispering the words to myself. I can't imagine anyone not connecting to your poem, even if they've never suffered the loss of someone.

For me, a cardinal appears when I'm sad. One time, a particular cardinal purposefully batted its wings to stay at eye level and look right at me. That was an angelic moment for me.

I can feel the softness of your angel's wing and experience the comfort that she brings. Oops. I didn't mean to rhyme that sentence.

Final Destination
No one has put a ribbon on this? I see it was written many years ago, but I'd still like to honor your work. One ribbon coming up!

so pretty

Overwatch Guardian
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group


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6
6
Review of The Family Curse  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Wonder Queen. Nixie here. I found your item via random review


*Vine1* Initial reaction
What a dark and gloomy title that prepares the reader for what's to come.

I saw this prompt before but couldn't come up with anything interesting worth writing about.

*Vine2* Overall Impression
Well, this is disturbing. It seems so random, yet so ordered, just like the universe. If it were me, I'd be like your mom. Enjoy life, taking risks, flaunting death in the face.

It's amazing how you moved past this to forge your own path. Good for you!

*Vine1* Personal Connection
As I said, not much interesting in my family, other than all the women on my mom's side look at least ten years younger. Sometimes people mistake me for my daughters' or son's aunt. I really enjoy it.

But my dad died in his 80's of a heart attack, as did his four brothers. So the women received the good genes, and the male side? Not so much.

*Vine1* Quick thought
The first paragraph felt heavy, burdened with too many unnecessary words. For example this sentence. Do you find it repetitive?

She didn't know much about her father's family on his father's side.

I did.

*Vine1* That's a wrap
You fulfilled the prompt, so that's great. Still, the story felt ponderous due to the wordiness.

Interesting write. You know I won't stop wondering what your fate will be. I know we rarely disclose our ages, but I am curious. Be well.




really cool

Overwatch Guardian
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7
7
Review of Not Long  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello Whiskerface. Nixie here, who landed on this item via the carrier random review.

Initial Reaction
I liked the title and the brief description invited me in to take a peek at a lunar eclipse.

Scoping out the middle
I did take this as a literal, not metaphoric poem. The first line, planting his seed misled me. It made me think he was going to do the Wild Thing with whoever was with him. *Laugh*

But the poem delved much deeper.

*Crown* Presentation
The seven stanzas were more or less the same length, which makes for a neat presentation. I liked the lack of punctuation, because I could take over the pace as I chose.

*Crown*Characters
IDK. I really didn't like this guy at all. Selfish. He can't grow by ignoring others and seeking enlightenment only for himself? I didn't like the way he locked out and dismissed the girl with him. How rude. Was she invited?

Final Destination
Outstanding word choices let my imagination roam and see the scene for myself, which I enjoyed. And lastly? My favorite part. The entire last stanza, with the word [inhale] creating the highest impact. In the end, I think the girl won out, and he'll be missing her. Or maybe she'll dwell on him for the rest of her life, which would be a pity.

Wonderful, beautiful read. *Smile*


so pretty

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8
8
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Netty. Nixie here. I found your item via random review.

The hook
The title caught my eye, but I wish the brief description had more, well, description. Unless your intention was to be vague, as poems are open to interpretation. But I do need help to navigate the words.

A closer look
I think there's a beautiful message here, maybe just beyond the grasp of your fingertips. If not so, that's the reason I'm asking for help in understanding. Here we see singular vs. the correct plural.

The first stanza is a bit mixed up. Even if you adjust sparkle to [sparkles], 'vibrant of light' has no clarity. What does it mean? And stars [shines ] needs to be [shine].

The second stanza [reveal] needs to be plural. [reveals]

Third [waiver] [waivers]


I don't want to tear this poem down with more instances of errors, but it deserves the best. If you edit, the glittering message may appear.

Oops/suggestions
There's no need for quotation marks around the title.


Final impression
I would love to see this crystal glass in my mind. *Smile*

I'm looking at the five star reviews and worrying that I'm all mixed up. As stated in the beginning, poems are open to interpretation. I simply don't 'get it'.


Me with another persona. Am I a spy?

Overwatch Guardian
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group


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9
9
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Sandy. Nixie here. I found your item via random review. I really enjoy meeting new people this way.

*Pepperred* Initial attraction
The title piqued my curiousty and so did the cover art. Due to the topic, I chose a red hot pepper as an emoticon. *Laugh*

*Pepperred* How it all began
The first two lines more or less set the scene, but I was misled. My take on what was about to ensue was the image of two women exchanging a glance, feeling a connection and choosing to sit together and ending up having a row. Oh, so very wrong, Nixie.

*PepperRed* Favorite part
Obviously, I enjoyed the entire poem, or I wouldn't be reviewing it. For some reason, the first line of the second stanza rolled off my tongue, and I silently read it over and over to myself. I didn't exactly know what it meant, and I had to keep on going, reading carefully.

*Pepperred* As the lines played out.
Wow, this woman was something else to shout as if birthing a cow. That seemed a bit over the top for me. I wondered what she was yelling about. What was she pulling over on Harry? I never die find that answer.

*Right* She moaned, groaned, whimper[ed] and howled
The women, I foresee, had no animosity.
I think the word [foresee] should have been [foresaw] but that would have ruined the rollicking rhythm.

*PepperRed* Wrapping it up
A bit of a let down at the end, although it made sense. But all I could think of was the movie 'When Harry Met Sally' and their showdown. Well, it's a line most don't forget (if they've seen the movie). So maybe it's a line worth repeating.

Nice write!




Damiana Matrix SPR
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group


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10
10
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Beholden. Nixie here. I found your item via random review.


*Smile* You caught me at line one with the inventive and catchy character name for your troll.

*Tulipp*
Initial Reaction

I had to walk around for a while after reading this. I couldn't understand why such a beautiful work should be about a troll. I thought about clicking on the folder to see what was up, but changed my mind. It took all of five minutes until this. *Headbang*


*Tulipp*
In the beginning
I've had so many thoughts now I've lost track. One thought in the beginning, I wondered if the troll were a homeless man, or metaphor. I landed on 'the troll could be anyone or anything.'

*Tulipp*
My take-away
Because my mind was stubborn, I lost the message that the who or what meant nothing. The contrast between the image of a troll enjoying life was a message to everyone.

*Tulipp*
The glitter and gold
You've written this so eloquently, you've left me with no words to define my reaction. The title fits the poem in the most perfect way. Along with the troll's reminder to enjoy each day, I found lots of gleaming pearls in here. I especially liked the opposite sides of time due to perception.

*Tulipp*
Favorite moments
The words you chose brought vivid images and emotional reactions. Yup, a troll would definitely scratch his side. That one made me laugh. And [blubbering] created an even more detailed vision.

*Tulipp*
Emotional connection
I don't think I look like a troll, and I don't live under a bridge. The poem is inspirational, wisdom from someone another may ignore. I'm feeling a bit foolish here, unable to express myself succinctly. Most likely I need more coffee. And I can't believe I'm posting such a girly review. *RollEyes*

Outstanding write!







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11
11
Review of Metamorphosis  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Elfin! Nixie here.
I found your item via random review.


*Baretree3*
The Hook
What made me stop here and read? The title and the brief description. This was a new experience for me—a piece written by a relative in someone's port. It was both uncommon and fascinating. Is your grandfather still alive?

*Baretree3*
A closer look
Thank goodness you chose the correct word [farther] rather than further. [Further drives me insane when misused, yet many do.]

It sounds as if this was the one thing in life your grandfather wanted. I wonder what drove his fascination with the sea experience?

*Baretree3*
Emotions evoked
The words were powerful and drew a picture in my mind. I could see him in the glory and the woes of living at sea. The dialogue mixed in with the words didn't look out of place, as one might expect. Everything was tucked in tightly and easy to read.

From what I've heard, it's not an easy career, especially if he was a merchant marine. In case of attack, no forces protected those sailors.

*Baretree3*
A closed book=lasting impression
I've no doubt that every reviewer remarked on the last line. After all the exhilaration, the conclusion made me laugh. The sea was almost like a strong-willed woman, who calmed down as she aged.

I don't dock 1/2 star for the simple reason that 'nothing can be perfect'. Yes, that's true, but if I can't find any errors, it's difficult to justify the 4.5 rating. I'm not particularly pleased with being pegged as a five-star rating reviewer, which I think is another reason for reviewers not to 'grade' a work with an A+ (as it were). Just an offside speculation. So far, no one's accused me. lol

Thanks for the read!



Love this image from Brooke! Personal signature

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12
12
Review of English is Easy  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Words. Nixie here. I found your item via random review.
And I'm so happy I did!


*SuitSpade*
Crackerjack write!

*SuitClub*
Thanks so much for the unusual write, which illustrates the confusion associated with the English language. My sister-in-law, who lived in Brazil, asked me what 'playing it by ear' meant. I actually came up with a plausible meaning. (we all listen to each others' opinions before coming up with a decision.)

I liked the way this kicked off with the alliteration in the first sentence.

What really grabbed me was the ingenuity that made perfect sense. You wrote an unusual plot by choosing something odd and specific. It's distracting in a good way. Who writes about a female archer? Brilliant.

The punctuation guided the flow, but, why is there always a but, consider not beginning each sentence with a capital letter, especially when completing a sentence or thought. I didn't care for the exclamation point in the last line of the third stanza.

The joyful overall mood generated a swiftly-flowing 'plot', as it were. The prose formation is perfect for this, even though it feels as if a story were being told. Duh, a story is being told. I'm not sure where that comment came from. *Rolling*

~Nixie

Reading your work was

My Pleasure tks.
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group




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13
13
Review of Flipping Liam  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Foxtrot! Nixie here. I found your item via random review.


*Baretree3*
The Hook
Ah, you 'got' me with the title and the brief description. Good job. *Checkg*

*Baretree3*
A closer look
As should be with flash, all the story elements are here. I liked the specifics you used to describe your characters. The red nails were a bit common, but it was a quick way to create an image.

The underlying feeling of uneasiness propelled the plot forward. Liam seemed to be in charge the entire time.

A personal peeve. The word [adorn] drives me insane. It seemed especially off considering what was being shown. How cool if the tats were there to empahzize a scar? Ah, flash doesn't leave much room for specifics.

*Baretree3*
Suggestions
I have to bring this up because I spotted it more than once, and it would be a disservice to not mention it. Writers don't show emotions through dialogue tags or adjectives. Here's two to illustrate my point.

The beginning phrase in this sentence...
Liam's callous words upset Andrea beyond measure... is unnecessary and a waste of words. What's the point? when you show the reader, why then tell the reader what Andrea is feeling? In the dialogue tag following, [she raves] is absolutely unnecessary. You did an excellent job showing her anger.

"What's wrong with you?" she raves.

This one just sounded wrong. Can you find a way to show her shoving her purse without the dialogue tag [rants]? Which is also too close in meaning and sound to be placed in close proximity. *Wink*

*Baretree3*
A closed book=lasting impression
The conclusion was rushed, but often that's what happens in flash. I liked the idea of the twist, but it fell flat. Here's another problem. You added an exclamation point to her sentence, rather than show emotion. I think she'd whisper her words and get out of there fast as possible. There were witnesses, after all. Correct?

A few other oops spotted the page, but overall, a good job. This sounds weird, but I had fun not only reading this, but also having the opportunity to share something I learned. *Smile*

~Nixie

Love this image from Brooke! Personal signature

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOverwatch Guardian



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14
14
Review of 29 years  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Hank! Nixie here. I found your item via random review. Welcome to WdC! *Smile*


*Baretree3*
The Hook
Mostly I stopped to read this because you're what we call a newbie. And the title was unusual, my opinion on it, undecided. Maybe you'd like to put something more catchy in the brief description?

*Baretree3*
A closer look
Joking—about that heading—this really did require a closer look. All the words are jammed together in a big block of text. This makes for difficult reading. Much of the meaning is lost in the jumble. Normal simple fix would be adding white space. But this is more a stream of consciousness, where paragraphing might not work, so perhaps a bigger font.

*Baretree3*
Emotions evoked
Fascinating. This write sounds like one of my daily meditations. I move beyond what we see with our eyes, as you said. Sometimes I use the ruse of a portal, most often, I ask for a guide. I can never remember the specifics, but I wake with a clearer mind. These 'trips' liberate me and I'm happy to know I'm 'dust in the wind'.

*Baretree3*
A closed book= a lasting impression
I more or less agree with your conclusion. It's sort of a round-about. We can't know everything, so saying we can't would end the mystery, well, that's sort of a moot point. I'm not striving for the understanding of all. I'm relaxing in my world of nothingness. Maybe we're saying the same thing.

About that spacing though...

Thanks for the time spent here contemplating your words. I don't often read works like this. Fascinating.



Love this image from Brooke! Personal signature

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOverwatch Guardian


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15
15
Review of Half-Die  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi! I found your story using the read and review option.


Overall Impression
After the third read through, I still had the same question. What prompted this story, and what was the reason? I'm sure it's different for everyone, I was drawn in by considering one of my favorite topics. What is real? Lately I've been thinking about the song 'row, row, row you boat...life if but a dream. What if I am dreaming?

Special Moments
I enjoyed the shock of a white knight appearing. Immediately, the reader is put into a state of mind. Ah, a rescuer. The last iteration was my favorite. A woman who insisted 'it' only spoke in a male's voice.

Oops
I was a little confused at times, which is often the case when going back before going forward gets messy. Generally, the best place to start a story is the beginning, the middle, or the most dramatic scene. Whatever it takes to snag the reader, in the instance that the title or brief description left a reviewer disinterested. For example, "I was discharged seven weeks ago" would make an interesting beginning, but then you'd still be stuck with back story. Oh, the plight of writers.

To be avoided
WHAT!?" I said, exasperated

{show emotion in action, not capitalized words, not multiple exclamation marks questions marks. And definitely, do not use an adjective as a sentence tag to show a state of mind.) Tiny oops. You forgot the ending period.


One of my fav descriptors
the reflected image showed red, huge, moving red.
This sentence put the reader in the drivers' seat, literally and figuratively. Because you're right, that's what a person sees when looking at on oncoming car.

Closing comments

I wasn't crazy about the conclusion. Because he lost everything, maybe ending it on Cruz's terms seemed logical. I don't know. Cruz's response felt like a deflated balloon.

"Goat Balls!" *Laugh* I've never heard that one before. Accidentally, I right-clicked on the words and google coughed up some disgusting images of yes, goats balls. *Sick*

Interesting write. I enjoyed the read, even if it was, at times, confusing. Maybe I'm dreaming.

~Nixie



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16
16
Review of Find Time  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Norma Jean. Nixie here. I found your item via random review.


Flash reaction
CLEVER!

I didn't expect time to be the primary character. What a splash that last line gave. *Shock2*

Something special
You played with one of my favorite concepts. Time. Because there really is no such thing as time. The moment we think 'stay in the present' the moment becomes the past.

All through the read I kept wondering what exactly was happening. Who was the little guy? And how could a little guy slip through someone's fingers. You seriously nailed this piece, especially after I caught on and read this again, catching all the nuances that I should have foreseen.

And unless a reader 'gets' it the first time, even for flash, the plot is thin. I kept trying to fill in the blanks, to find a clue. Surely, the story wasn't about two guys moving boxes. Where's the conflict? Where's the tension? It's only in retrospect that it all falls into place.

Something to consider
Rather than telling the reader that George looked dejected, the reader needs to see this emotion. Maybe he's slumped-shouldered?

Emotions evoked.
Your sense of humor was a delight to part of. The wit you possess reminds me of my own. I grew up in NYS and still maintain my dry sense of humor that no one else gets. So I've scaled it back, but in certain moments, it pops out of my mouth, and I see the confused or shocked look on someone's face. Sometimes, a blank stare.

Cut to the chase, Nixie.
My point being, I don't feel quite so alone in the dry wry humor inside that I have to hide. And I fear losing that particular knack. Without being around people who also think whimsically, it's definitely slipping through my fingers.

Awesome write!












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17
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Review of Seven Go To Corfu  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Nick. Nixie here. I found your item via random review.

Overall take
That last two lines made reading this narrative worthwhile. I 100% agree with your summation, so full of wisdom and candor.

More equals less
The more you write, the faster you'll learn how to trim your story, turn the verbs from passive to active... and so on... rather than tell it. First person POV makes interesting reads because it is first-hand experience. This sort of rambling reminiscing was at times charming, but more often than not, bogged down by too many words.

I like your sense of humor, especially the part where (one of the characters, 7 is a lot to keep track of) wouldn't let go of the ski rope.

And in the end
Now, if you can write those last two lines succinctly, you can trim this story. Since this is a narrative of reminiscing, maybe it could be presented in a different way. Rather than looking back, turn this to a fun plot in the present tense. Active dialogue would be awesome, but with seven characters the reader may lose track. However, the read would be much more interesting were it not a narrative. You're a gifted author, and some of that magic is lost here among the words.

It's up to you if you want to rework this or move on to a new project from here. I'm never able to do a rewrite, so I take my own advice and forge ahead. But the stories I can't straighten out sadden me.

If I point out multiple trouble spots, this review may be more discouraging than encouraging. Reading and reviewing helps to improve our skills.

Do not be discouraged. Do not abandon your gift. Keep writing. *Bigsmile*








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18
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Review of Punk's Tale  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Jakrebs. Nixie here. I found your item via random review.

Thanks for starting my day with laughter. *Laugh*

Overall take

I can't decide which amused me the most. The introduction, or the prose itself. The references to Norse mythology and the cat's disdain for their enhancements made me smile more with each line as I read.

The free form you chose sometimes had internal rhymes that threw me off a bit, as I looked for the matching word and found none. So I had a bit of trouble following the flow, but not a true issue. All I needed was a mind reset to plunge into the mythical world. Unfortunately for me, I had a hard time 'seeing' the word [string] sometimes capitalized [String] My eyes kept seeing strings or sting. *RollEyes*

Entrapment
I liked the hilarious lines throughout, and I really liked that I couldn't figure out what was happening until the end. Your unique word choices lent an air of sophistication. The juxtaposition between the plot and the words had a pleasing effect.

In the end?
My cat chose me one Halloween night. She was a parking lot cat, dumped by someone cruel. I've tamed her remarkably (pat on back for me) but she's never played with a string. So when I tried to connect with Punk, I couldn't make it. That's on me.

I'd definitely go through and make sure [string] was always capitalized. So, a bit of a rocky read, but well worth the extra time spent reading it more than a few times.

You penned an unusual write, something original. Well done!




A glamorous sig









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19
19
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi again, Bill. Nixie here. Guess what? I found another of your items via random review.

*Tulipp*
My first thought when I read the brief description was 'I've never loved my mother-in-law, much less my own mother. Good for you that you have this in your life, and you've shared it with us.

I liked the colored font, and, of course, the heart-shaped prose. The words set off some thinking on my own, and I fell in love with the words about the first love being between mother and child.

*Tulipp*
I'm proud of all my grown children, and impressed by the way my daughter's sons behave. And guess what she says? "I learned it all from you, Mom." I know it's true, not an empty comment or compliment. After being raised in the environment created by my parents, I vowed, as a kid, that I would do the opposite, and create something magical.

*Tulipp*
I'm not crying 'mama don't love me blues' but what's written here didn't happen in my family. All of us were baby-boomers. I think it was the generation itself. That's why neither parent ever said 'I love you' nor were any kisses or hugs exchanged. Sorry, I'm way off-topic, but sometimes it's more rewarding to learn of a readers' reaction—the emotional connection, or thoughts provoked. That's what happened to me.

*Giftv*
This prose is a gift for the community and for your mother-in-law. I can definitely remember the first time one of my babies made eye contact, and how I felt that overwhelming joy and love exchange. I have beautiful memories. Thanks for the reminder. Sorry for the blabbing. *Pthb*









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20
20
Review of Appreciation  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Z.shams. Nixie here. Welcome to WdC!

Overall take
In a few words, you've touched on a complex thought process. It's not always easy to accept oneself, no matter the reason. However, that's the only way we can change. If we recognize our thoughts as creating our life, it's possible to escape self-sabotage.

Emotional/Mental connection.
What I say to myself is basically what you've written here. "I have enough." I learned that for myself, not from Oprah Winfrey, whose show I never watched.

If I should believe otherwise, I'm creating a need. Needs only lead to voids. In a state of wanting or needing, we'll never see what we have. We'll always feel 'less'. One has to recognize their own self-worth. And if a person can think of one good thing about themselves, they can build from there, or decide what they discovered is enough.

The main focus
Your words are bright and inspirational. I almost forgot to mention your brief description. One way to brighten ourselves is to shine on someone else. That's often what I meditate on.

Question/Matter of opinion
I'm not sure about the mention of [beautiful] in the conclusion. If a person recognizes a beauty within, and I think that's your point, then that's a good thing. But to focus on beauty by comparison create the opposite.

The emoticons are cute, but generally, they don't appear in an item, unless it's a contest of forum .... sent with an email ... Now that's entirely up to you, but for me, it was a distraction that pulled some of the power from your words.

And in the end?
Good write.




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21
21
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Lady H. Nixie here. I found your on the HUB page, requesting reviews.


Excellent read!

Lucy is an outstanding character. In first person POV, her actions drew me in. In fact, all the characters interested me, mostly scary or sly. Despite having several characters in this chapter, everyone had a part to play. Everything that happened was germane to the plot, with no wasted words.

All I wanted was for Lucy to leave. I liked how she switched her name to Luce, which sounder cooler to her.

The fast pace of the plot made my heart race, urging Luce on, and terrified she'd either be force-fed a pill, or can't escape. The setting you created is picture-perfect in my mind. I've partied in lots of bars, but none like this. And ew. I didn't mind the several mentions of sweaty bodies. Usually, repetition annoys me. But for this story, every mention was validated, further driving me in to the scene.

My heart is still thumping, and this chapter ends intriguingly, urging the reviewer to continue reading. Nicely done.

*Checkb* A few simple editing issues, not all. They're small and won't be easy to find. Brackets encase the corrections for small areas. Longer segments are typed in blue.

Repetitious word in close proximity.

The [only] problem is the [only] friends I have now are the dusty books in the school library.

Fiction is immediate. No one begins to move, they move.
[I begin to move]

These two sentences don't jive. She takes in a lungful, yet in the next paragraph, she's struggling to breathe. Suggestion. Use only one of the sentences, or alter how she gets oxygen.

I take in a lungful of the stuffy air.
the air stifling and making it difficult to breathe.


A small oops
but the DJ is making a birthday announcement over the music and [its] [it's] deafening.

The period slipped outside of the quotation marks.
[“Lucy!”. ]

I wouldn't sweat the small stuff. I'm sure you'll be editing more.

Fantastic write that I enjoyed reading from beginning to end. Wow!


Damiana Matrix SPR


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22
22
Review of Epiphanies  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Whiskerface. Nixie here. I found your item via random review.

I have to agree with everything you've written here. I don't have the exact same thoughts, but I excel at self-sabotage. If I simply write, I'm fine. If I think, forget it. And if I can't think of anything to write...what a circle I create.

Maybe your way is the best way to get started. I've often thought of writing like this, but I'm uneasy about revealing something unintentionally. It's kind of ridiculous. I'm here for the same reasons as everyone else. Reviewing helps me, just like your item helped.

And, looking at the date when this was written begs the question, how are you feeling now? We can't always change who we are. I think we're born with our personalities already written. I learn how best to work with what I have.

I'm imagining this writing as a catharsis. I'm happy for you that your ex remained your ex, even though he bettered himself. Those actions were for himself. But it's good that you're proud and recognize him.

Your brief description states 'writing shapes me' which I found fascinating. I had a saying that went something like this: one begins a story with an outcome in mind, they find at the end of the story they're someone different. I think our thoughts echo each other's.

Nothing in this world can stay the same. The only constant is change. Maybe we grow, or see life without eyes. (yes, that sounds weird, but I believe there's much more to life than our eyes show us.) I have revelations when I meditate. That's my safe haven, same as this website.

Maybe spacing this out a bit more (there are some sentences with no spaces in between) would make your work shine more. Look more professional. I find myself telling others, take anything you've learned and go forward with it. No point in reviewing something written years ago, unless there's a good reason.

Be at peace,
~Nixie






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23
23
Review of Where's Waldo?  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Ned. I found your item through the read and review option.


Overall Impression
This title grabbed my attention and the brief description demanded a read and review.

Despite the foregone conclusion, I really felt for this guy. There's nothing worse than making plans. Plans always fall apart.

Thoughts
In the beginning, the scene was set. I was trying to picture his suit, but could not. No biggie. I certainly saw it in my mind after the elevator ride and subsequent escape. You might want to consider breaking up that huge block of text. It makes the story look uneven.

In closing
Another consideration: Shortening your sentences. Especially in the beginning when words matter the most. After the title and brief description, that's a writer's second chance to snag a reader. We all try to achieve this, remembering that less is more. What is most important to the story? What words will grab a reader's attention? Take note of how many sentences have the word (was) in them.

Maybe this sounds weird, but I don't go back and edit older pieces. I take the advice (if I agree) and move forward with the comments in mind. Keep on writing. *Smile*

beautiful in thought and visual

Nixie
Overwatch Guardian

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24
24
Review of The Moment I Knew  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Joto-Kai. Nixie here. I found your item via random review.

I liked this brief vignette into someone's life because I wish moments like these really happened. We're alone in this world, but a friend can ease that pain. Especially an unexpected friend. I think that's what's going on here. There were gaps I couldn't fill in.

Whenever someone answers 'How are you" with the word "Fine." I know they're in emotional turmoil. I can't always help. And I think that's why the other character said "I'm okay."

A few more details would have fleshed out the story. Who was the other person, and what was the relationship between him/her? A new friendship, a long-lasting friendship? I'll admit to being puzzled. Cecil picked up on the other character's need, despite him/her wanting to be alone.

My favorite dialogue was "When you need to hear my voice." and then the carry-through.

What I really liked was the last line, as it lifted up the entire conversation, indicating peace of mind. The words created a beautiful scene.

Thanks for the read. *Smile*




Me with another persona. Am I a spy?
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25
25
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Alan. Nixie here. I found your poem via random review.

Published at 14? Most impressive. I read your bio, stating you're a busy writer who publishes wherever possible. What I'm curious about, and it's really none of my business, how old are you now?

The poem is really quite good, especially from a person your age. I began writing around that time, but I'm older. Much as I hate to admit it, none of the tech we have today was available back then. Forget publishing. Unheard of. I kept all my writings in a brown paper bag. Long lost. And, if I remember correctly, I was a good writer.

I noticed you have two items here, a short story and a poem. Are you planning on writing more for WdC? You definitely have the talent.

Brown and green make for excellent visuals. I can't imagine that many teens even paying attention to details like that. I enjoyed reading your little poem, the simplicity and flow held a certain charm. You sounded young, but already an author in the making. Congrats on your success!




Me with another persona. Am I a spy?
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