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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/nixie9
Review Requests: OFF
2,528 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
Template most of the time, covering setting/plot/characters/conflict/resolution if applicable. For shorter works, I concentrate more on feelings evoked.
I'm good at...
Short story, chapter reviews and in-depth reviews.
Favorite Genres
Sci-fi, Romance, mystery, children's
Least Favorite Genres
Historical
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novel chapters
Least Favorite Item Types
essay, editorial, non-fiction, somebody's homework assignment
I will not review...
XGC, poems, prose. I am an animal activist and vegan, so cruelty or violent, unnecessary, death due to negligence is overwhelming. I am unable to review any pieces involving abuse of any kind to anyone. I like to keep my corner or the world happy, because I grew beyond my "challenges" of childhood and don't want to look back.
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ... Next
1
1
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Kåre Enga. I found your story using the read and review option.

The hook
Captivating title. I'm guessing you didn't use capital letters due to the subject of the work.

Overall Impression
To answer your last question, prose. Yet, it also fits a vignette. The poetic devices employed caught me off guard when I first read this. I kept thinking, why is this labeled poetry, when there's so many different rhyming techniques inside the words. I'm no poet, so I can't comment specifically on how you worked the rhymes in.

Excellent job setting the place with your usage of Walmart. I had already drawn the town in my mind, and that was reinforced and gave satisfaction when the store was mentioned. It was a yes! moment for me. Now, most of this was revealed via the title, but the descriptions of the girls filled in the scene. Also, the mood, a bit droll, a bit dreary, left me with a feeling of melancholy. And that is why ...

Special Moments
Wow. After all her negative feelings about herself she rose above them, making the last triumphant line my favorite.

Closing comments
Your prose stood alone, but still, the back story was interesting.
What a unique piece. Well done.




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Joy! What a joy to find this treasure while hunting the Read and Review option.


First Impression
Simple cover art and the beguiling brief description had me wondering how exactly would Cinderella be in charge?

Overall Impression
Breathless? Is that too dramatic a reaction? Along with being 'captured' by the content, I marveled at your success in conquering this challenging triolet set. (Thanks for the explanation, by the way.) And an extra challenge requiring the words in the brief description as part of the challenge? Remarkable.

Thoughts/Feelings
You 'had' me when I read the first line. It's direct and unique, while clearly painting the picture. Since 'ever-after' is a subjective word, I appreciated the words in quotation marks. Seriously, what is forever after? For how ever long forever lasts?

Lasting Impression
You lovingly embraced, but ever so slightly, altered the Cinderella theme and composed a lovely romantic overtone. It gives hope that she could find her prince without the trappings. OK, now I'm really acting like a teenager. Wonderful poem, Joy. (I don't take off a 1/2 point 'just because' with no feedback for improvement.)

Reviewing your work was
My Pleasure tks.

Nixie
Overwatch Guardian
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review of Thought  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hey there, Cursedlove. I found your story through the Read and Review option. Welcome to WdC!

A clear title and brief description left no doubt in my mind. I prepared for the worst. I'm guessing this was written as it materialized through your imagination. However, it reads personally as pertaining to the author expressing themselves.

A few bumps along the way can be easily edited with a few pointers. In the first verse, last line, taking out 'is' loses one passive verb. Then the word 'feel' is called a distancing word. So, the end result would be, using only your words: The night sky makes me lonely. See how it's more direct? Then, consider that nothing can make you feel anything. We choose our emotions. So, 'lonely beneath the night sky' would be one suggestion

But why is she sitting, wondering where she is? A forest in her mind? Is she dreaming? Sorry, if I misunderstood the meaning.

In the second verse, I don't understand why a spider would be bewildered? An do you want to use the word 'lonely' in close proximity?

The next two lines sound perfect, creating a vivid picture of the mental state of the person.

In the following two lines, perhaps a period after 'thunder' since in the next sentence the character is dead inside. I'm only trying to help, not critique. Try losing all passive verbs for a strong impact. Maybe, reordering, not changing your words, 'Dead inside, no hope of survival' might work.

Last line, (nice rhyme scheme) try to resist using the same word in close proximity. In this case, 'hope'. I won't make a suggestion, merely say a thesaurus comes in handy.

So, in the end, I applaud you trying to capture troublesome thoughts on virtual paper. The emotions ran strong, the message was clear. (Mostly)

Pondering this poem and your user name, I'm thinking you must be very lonely. For that, I am sorry. But guess what? We have some wonderful members here, and I hope you find this to be your second home as most of us do. Keep writing!


Me with another persona. Am I a spy?
Overwatch Guardian

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review of Circular Logic  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi Ken! I found your story through the Read and Review option.


*Baretree3*
The Hook
Circular Logic? Excellent title for this story. The brief description brought to mind the age-old question. Can aliens attack earth? Did you have to say they were green? *Facepalm* Will we ever leave that perception behind, or was it intentional on your part to make the reader laugh or groan?

*Baretree3*
A closer look
Drawing on my knowledge from sci-fi books and movies, you made me search the effects of low gravity on a person. Yes, they can be taller, but not stronger, according to Steven Spielberg's production of Avatar. I enjoy stories that I have to research to further my knowledge of terms or unfamiliar words. Thanks for the challenge.

*Baretree3*
Emotions evoked
At first I worried, then I was impressed by Rolf's innovation, and finally laughed in the end. That's Ken, clever as always.


*Baretree3*
A closed book=lasting impression
Excellent story-telling and a prime example of creating escalating tension and/or interest without dialogue.



Love this image from Brooke! Personal signature

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOverwatch Guardian



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review of Sneaky  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Jacky! I found your story using the read and review option.

Overall Impression
With such an exceptional title, you can almost get away without a brief description. Since this is no longer a contest entry, you can add one now. I do have to wonder what the point would be, one year later.

The pace flowed smoothly, except as noted below.

Thought progression
At first I thought Lily would be frightened to go into the basement. It wasn't until the final exchanges of dialogue cleared that up. I can't make sense of her not being frightened by the cellar, especially not a five-year-old.

Since the mom indicates she goes down there all the time, I wondered why she'd never noticed the 'creepy' corner before. Well, no consequence, really. I'm thinking of my basement and how terrified I was, even as an adult.

The point being Jack's maneuvers to trick his sister came across well, and put a smile on my face. As the story arc came to a conclusion, everything was tightly wrapped up with a bow.

Closing comments
The swift read captured my attention, even as tingles ran up my spine, thinking of a huge spider down there. It wasn't until Jack talked to his mother that I realized it was all a scam! Nicely done. I took off a half point because I would have liked it better if Lily was afraid.

~Nixie




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi Marion


*Baretree3*
The Hook
Not so encouraging.
All I noticed was that 'fire' should have been capitalized and 4 should have been written out as 'four.' Despite the cautious reaction on my part, I chose to read and review this.

*Baretree3*
A closer look
Is this something you strung together with further thoughts of returning to edit? If so, I recommend showing this as a work in progress. The entire piece is nearly one run-on sentence with passive verbs that evoked no emotion. Sadly, what might have been a compelling story vanished word by word. I found several misspelled common words. I was wondering if English was your second language, but looking at your bio, it appeared not so.

Suggestions
Try to imagine the power emanating from the topic of your work. Fire in and of itself is a story. Use active verbs not passive to summon passion and a sense of danger. Show the reader the desperation to escape. Who was screaming and scared? You'll hear it a million times from reviewers. The point of the story is to bring your reader into your 'dream' through showing not telling.


*Baretree3*
Lasting impression
I desperately wanted to applaud your work, especially since you are new to the website. Perhaps if you begin to read and review, the basics of writing will come to mind. Please continue to work here. Members find satisfaction in learning and editing, even though it's difficult at first. People say the least of our writing has to come out first before the magnificent can be found within the author. Remember, this can be a work in progress. Just keep writing and reviewing and you'll be fine. *Smile*


Love this image from Brooke! Personal signature

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOverwatch Guardian


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review of Exhausted  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi eznn,

Overall Impression
Excellent read!

Hook
Great job choosing your title and following through with an informative brief description. The reader has a sense of what's to come, but curiosity still calls to the brain.

Personal connection to topic
I was just talking about the theme of your poem the other day. Humans are destroying the earth, and we are all part of it. However, there's no way to go back. We're addicted to all that destroys. The irony of the devastation goes straight to the heart. The wrongs we inflict and also how we can no longer escape. That last line hit the mark and made me wince. Such bald truth hammers the message. It's all so tragic. I rarely say this, but sometimes I wonder if the evolution of humanity was the fatal mistake. Everything we do is cataclysmic.


Technique
The poem flowed smoothly from verse to verse. Free from worked beautifully for your poem. Forcing such passionate thoughts to rhyme would have broken the impact. Since this work is free form, I don't think the general 'rules' apply to poetry. Either consistent punctuation, or no punctuation at all. In this particular case, the punctuation guided the reader, and that's all that counts.

Emotional impact
The overall mood makes me think of grey skies and silent thunder. Footsteps of failure lurk behind humankind's every action. We're on a collision path of destruction, helpless to retreat.

I didn't expect to read anything that echoed my own thoughts. I feel like an outsider, as if someone might not 'approve' of my viewpoint and enforce the sunny side of life. Although the work may be depressing or objectionable to some, I found it enlightening and poignant.

Closing comments
Writing such as yours shows courage. Thank you for the privilege of reading and reviewing your work.




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi J.L.

Congrats on your winning bid at "The Summer Time Auction Here is one of your six reviews from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Overall Impression
I enjoyed reading this. Personification is special to me. You did a wonderful job demonstrating your 'characters'. I could easily visualize the scene you set, and I had a firm image in my head of where all the furniture was.

The adjectives used added depth to your characters. I would be a grumpy rug too! I was waiting for the boss's chair to creak. I cricked my neck subconsciously when the lamp straightened out. Clever. *Wink*

Favorite line
("My God, eat a salad people.”)

A thought~ yes I have one or two sometimes *Laugh*
Since POV sorta kinda changed when the janitor came in (the furniture was silent) maybe some asterisks or something would make the transition smoother.

Closing comments
All I can say is, great job. Thanks for making me smile today.


possible personal MB
~Overwatch Guardian
Nixie/Madam Q

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group {/center
}


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
Review of Emotions  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi lil-queen


*Baretree3*
The Hook
The title and brief description drew me in because reading about someone else's feelings sometimes helps.

*Baretree3*
A closer look
Wow, a tsunami of chaotic emotions, for sure. Chaos and despair carry through every line. If hope appears, it seems as if someone steps in and provides light, only to disappoint again.

I had trouble reading this for a few reasons. With no paragraphing, this is an emotional dump of thoughts, a running account of what's going through your head. I get it. But some spacing would help.

If the next stanza continues the same thought, that first word is not capitalized. Maybe some writers do, but I found it distracting. I see the repetitiveness of the jumbled thoughts while I'm searching for something original. (maybe another word for dark)

*Baretree3*Oops

And disappointment fill (s) your head.
Maybe its (it's) just me

Brought her (e) to help me find the love

Because I cant (can't) become a

As if he never did nothing (anything) in this world

And disappointment fill (s) my head
That you would even thing (k)

Okay, no more editing comments on my part. I'm sure you can fix this piece up by yourself. *Wink*


*Baretree3*
A closed book=lasting impression
I'm sorry whatever caused this outpouring happened to you. I'm happy you were able to put words on virtual paper, which hopefully provided a much-welcomed outlet for you.

Written in 2016, I certainly hope your mood and situation has changed. Time doesn't always heal wounds.



Love this image from Brooke! Personal signature

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOverwatch Guardian



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hi Melody Cadence Clark

Image for 'The Newbie Welcome Wagon'

Click the image above and you'll arrive at the Newbie Welcome Wagon!


Excellent idea to add the caveat that the romance is clean. And you have it correctly rated. *Checkg*

I liked both your characters and their interaction. The transition from one character to the other flowed well when sometimes it can be a distraction.
The dad added a touch of remorse, giving Laughlan an opportunity to greet and then console Kallee. Their interaction was a bit odd, but I guess Kallee felt comfortable enough with him. Or maybe she was desperate. I'm not sure this scenario is believable or sounds genuine.

All the descriptive passages lit up images in my mind. Good job describing smells. You worked wonders 'moving' your characters through the different scenes. *Thumbsup*

I've never seen a piece written partly in exchanged text. At first the underlining seemed incorrect, but it worked. I wonder if italics would work?

I'm no comma queen, but the comma errors are so extensive in this piece, they're too many to correct. Don't take this the wrong way, but maybe you can find a comma tutorial somewhere.

From what I saw in your portfolio, this seems to be an ongoing romance. I have a suggestion. Why not create a folder for all the chapters. You can also put links at the bottom of each chapter to lead the reader to the next.

*Star*
You've got a nice piece here to work with. Now comes the fun part. Editing.
*Pthb*

Reading and reviewing will help tremendously.

I have a few links that might be of interest to you.

"Noticing Newbies A wonderful place to introduce yourself. You'll find multiple links to help you.

"Contest Central Station has a current list of all WdC contests. Find the Newbie ones (or any other that appeals to you) and enter your work.




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
for entry "Tinfoil Hat - 13+
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Siobhan Falen!

HAPPY 5th WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM
*CakeB* "Anniversary Reviews*CakeB*


Happy WdC Anniversary


*Alien* Oh, what a fun read. I always enjoy reading your work because it's concise and clever. You have a unique take on plots, which makes me crazy curious.

I might have gone with a different title, but the brief description made up for it. *Checkg*

You ran a precise restaurant setting through my mind with only a few images. *Right* The sashaying waitress, her apron, the napkin. Glass door with a bell. That's all you needed.

The setting was enhanced by the sounds you added. This one caught my attention. I could smell burning rubber.
...sharp screech of rubber on asphalt.

I did wonder in the first paragraph what 'meeting' Kayla was referring to. If it was about aliens, why would the two women be in the same meeting if Kayla didn't believe in aliens. An AA meeting? Guessing here.

*Alien*I really like alliteration
...wondering if her wiring were right...
Should it be (was) right? It sounded okay on the first read-through.

“All right, rebellion.”
In the sentence above, it's almost like he's talking to the rebellion.
A suggestion. *Right* "All right," he sighed. "Rebellion."


*Alien* You certainly don't need specifics to adjust these lapse of attention oops, but here's a few catches.

Avoid using two of the same words in close proximity to each other. In this instance, (sloppy)

Jessie’s (sloppy) scrawl > Something crashed in the back of the diner, heavy and (sloppy) sounding.

I think it's fine to describe the creature as sloppy twice or thrice and not be distracting. It identifies the 'character, (as it were.) So Jessie's handwriting could be described in another way and you'd be all set.

And here- stood and standing are too cozy

I (stood) up, the hairs on the back of my neck (standing) up.

Oops
I rolled (her) window down and took deep breaths...

Am I misreading it? Is he on the other side of the car, or is he rolling (his) window down?

*Alien* My laugh out loud sentence. I know its supposed to be scary.

The sight of the ungodly organ was enough for me.
I think 'organ' set off the giggles.

Still having difficulty swallowing (down) the concept
Wow, I'm picky today. There's no other way to swallow, except down. *Wink*

Thanks for the pleasure of reading and reviewing your story. I'm wearing a smile now.

~Nixie Overwatch Guardian
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
Review of Love Life!  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi RoyalMQ

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM
*CakeB* "Anniversary Reviews *CakeB*


As I perused your port, this title caught my eye. I figured the plot would be one of those common 'live in the moment' themes. The brief description changed that perception.

For so few words, the plot impressed me. Losing anyone through death causes devastating effects. I can't say my sister is a ghost, but 36 years since her death, I still feel her presence. So once the odd things started happening (right from the beginning, as they should) prickles ran up and down my arms. That happens when I'm reading or writing something that moves me, or just feels 'right'.

I also liked how the story wrapped up. Matt's name was initialized, leaving the reader as quizzical as Melanie. Yes, friends can be like stars unseen.

The only stumbling block showed up in the last few lines. The story went from 3rd POV to 1st. An easy fix.

Enjoy your anniversary day, and thanks for the emotional read. *Smile*



Overwatch Guardian Sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
for entry "Chapter One
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Roari ~ back to work...

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM
*CakeB* "Anniversary Reviews *CakeB*


I enjoy reading fantasy as a means of escape, and sometimes 'teen' plots are more appealing than adult. For the most part, no violence or cruelty that entertains some sours the plot. What I'm saying is, this chapter was intriguing, and I liked both the characters.

Even though they're sisters, what a clever idea to give one more unrealized power than the other. Telepathically speaking to critters delighted me, while it vexed Taura, who played devil's advocate to her sister's theories. Or maybe it was simply jealously. (but not harsh or judgmental.) It made me miss my sister.

A descriptive piece, I could envision the setting. The native animals and the flute playing perked up my hearing. Sight, sound, but smell is missing.
Often, in trying to recall a memory, smell can be a trigger.

The reader has some foreboding in the beginning and a bit of a worry when Aria falls and can't breathe. As this chapter concludes, it makes the reader want to jump to the next chapter. I noticed you stopped writing this, but if it becomes of interest again, why not put a link to the next chapter? *Wink*

The paragraphing looked great. The use of italics indicated telepathy for some of the dialogue. *Checkg*

We're offered some wisdom and prompts to consider exactly what life is all about. Can we change the course by our thinking? "Yes, of course." is my answer.

Not finding anything significantly wrong,( a few lapses in attention here and there) I hope you'll go forward with the chapters. And have fun doing it!


Overwatch Guardian Sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi Brittany!

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM
*CakeB* "Anniversary Reviews *CakeB*


Cool Title that caught my interest as I wondered what this story might be. The brief description made me think of an automobile accident. Then I read the story and discovered I was wrong. *Laugh*

I do make comments as I read, so this might seem a little out of order.

For a fairly straightforward plot some of the oddities distracted me. Sometimes, wording can be too clever. For example, unless you were going for humor:
All moisture was proceeding with an exodus from my mouth.

(prescribed) is another example of a word that doesn't really make sense in the context of this story.

I had never heard of "Angel Falls" and, my eye caught the word 'metaphysical' in the second paragraph. So now I'm thinking some kind of special world. Wrong, again. I googled Angel Falls and read about it.

Adjectives can cause a reader to pause. (inexorable redolence)
I looked up all meanings of the adjective inexorable and none fit this sentence.

Adverbs indicate a weak verb that needs to be deleted.

Also puzzling:
my “condition” returned with such ferocity that I would later chug a cup of Krakatoa-hot Starbucks coffee in about sixteen seconds.
How did he know in advance this would happen? He can (bet) (imagine) that later he'll chug, but he has no foreknowledge.

very repulsive task
How can breaking a kiss be repulsive? Also, (very) is considered a non-word with no meaning.

This is your anniversary date, so I don't want to blow up your review with multiple comments. All I can say is, maybe in an effort to be clever, a sweet story was told with too much description and words that didn't fit.

This line made me laugh out loud. Nicely done!
... my vocal chords were twisted in a knot the shape of the Oldsmobile logo and refused to move a micrometer.


Keep on reading and reviewing. It's a great way to learn!



Overwatch Guardian Sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
15
Review of Fall's Fancy  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Tinker

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM
*CakeB* "Anniversary Reviews*CakeB*


Happy WdC Anniversary


*Leaf2g* The superb title tempted me. Not so much the brief description, but I think that was more for you than the reader.

After I read your poem I paused, thought it over, and read it again twice more. Living in Florida, we have no leaves turning, no hint of Autumn. But your poem brought memories of all that you describe, memories so poignant I nearly cried. (rhyme unintentional).

*LeafR* Excellent alliteration in the second verse, second line, captured me. Alliteration is one of my favorite techniques. Although, I never write poetry.

spinning spiders play controls the stanzas pace. And it's my favorite verse. Spiders terrify me, but you made me appreciate the beauty with your words. (the last line in that particular stanza)

*Squirrel* The squirrels here are small and sort of a dowdy brown, so I tried to picture grey ones in my head. I've never seen one.

*Fire* I'm still puzzling over "sleep when ere you can". It rhymes pleasantly, but I can't figure out the context. Certainly not squirrels sleeping, and no humans have been introduced. Since I'm not a poet, forgive my lack of awareness. All I can think of is the danger of fires breaking out and consuming dry trees. But that doesn't match.

Nothing left to say, other than congrats on your 10th! WdC anniversary.

~Nixie Overwatch Guardian
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
16
16
Review of Louis  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Mrs. Whatsit

HAPPY WdC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM
*CakeB* "Anniversary Reviews*CakeB*


Happy WdC Anniversary


*Buttonb* Where to start? I enjoyed reading the story for itself, but found much more. What a wide assortment of remarkable characters. Each one had a specific trait that made the progression of the plot easy to navigate. I've never lived in a small town, but I can imagine an old woman like Mrs. Fangoli. Mrs. Fangoli! I sure got to know as a person. I especially liked her looking with googling eyes.

The consistency of the dialect flowed well. Excellent job demonstrating all the characters in a slow manner, as if a person were really looking at them. The story started off with remarkable insight, giving the reader an instant perception of Louis. Bits of foreshadowing made sense as the story continued. It was awfully disgusting, that paragraph about Louis and the accident.

I wish I didn't have a picture of what Louis and Sheila did in my mind. Again, very specific, with the narrator adding to the reader's perception.

*Buttonb* Seems you were not kidding around with the brief description. As much as I followed along with the characters, the conclusion smacked me in the face. Louis didn't have much longer to live, again made so clear through description, maybe an earlier death was a blessing. So awful though.

Did I forget to mention Seraphina? Her unique name lent a vision of how attractive she was. At least the guys were appreciative, to the point of laughing. Until I read the last part. Very sweet and poignant.

A cast of characters to remember.

A sneak peek:

"He was lucky, at that, that he only lost his legs - he still had his girlfriend, Sheila."


~Nixie Overwatch Guardian

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
17
17
Review of Lost Jax  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Amay,

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM
*CakeB* "Anniversary Reviews*CakeB*


Happy WdC Anniversary


*Fox*
Great read! The journey of reading left me as confused as Jack, so the conclusion came as a surprise. I wondered why the parents didn't give Jax medicine? Or maybe it wasn't mentioned. Lots and lots of sensory perception brought the story to life. Smells. sights, noises. I agree with Jax, everything does taste better when prepared in the woods. The experience, so aptly written, is a 'natural high'.


*Idea* Suggestions: (since you wrote this in 2010, I doubt you'll come back to edit.) This section looks overwhelming, but really, they're just tiny mistakes.

A few words got mixed up.
I wonder if their (they're) twins. There Their momma must be around here somewhere.

Also, editors don't like semi-colons, even though Winnie includes them in her classes. If you really like them, maybe consider using less. It's a bit distracting.

Notice how many sentences begin with (he) or (Jax).

I'm not proficient at giving alternate suggestions, but I did notice lots of sentences using the word (was).

*Fox*
How powerful the description of Jax and the deer. I would want a witness, as well. I'll bet that's something he'll never forget, even if it was fever-induced. Some of my inspirations come while meditating. The story wrapped up with a satisfying conclusion, and Jax's comment explained everything.

It takes bravery to enter a contest. Good on you!

Very clever. Like the *Fox* *Laugh*


~Nixie Overwatch Guardian

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
18
18
Review of Greenwillow Pass  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Emily! Long time no see.

HAPPY WdC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM
*CakeB* "Anniversary Reviews*CakeB*


Happy WdC Anniversary


*Fox* Never mind the contest. I didn't even consider it, not until the end when I realized how much you accomplished in so few words.

The title drew me in, sounding so familiar, yet frightening. Driving in the mountains brings back some similar memories. Interesting, I didn't get a 'bad' feeling for what the story would reveal. The back and forth texting and the late night driving worried me, of course. But I felt the thrill of the ride. Black car, racing into black night . . .


*Fox* I've never read a car crash scenario so vividly described. You put me in the driver's seat and I saw and heard everything as Felix did. Even as events transpired, I kept thinking, no, this isn't a car wreck that will kill him. Rose and Felix were so obviously in love. What a waste.

What really did me in was the bloody smears.

The confirmation heard over the radio left no doubt, and it described the accident from the outside in, the opposite viewpoint of Felix.


*Fox* Just a thought. I might have written "An owl hooted" rather than "I heard an owl hoot." It's more direct, but also, it's no big deal. It popped into my head is all.

2am > 2 A.M.

An excellent write that I won't be forgetting tonight.


~Nixie Overwatch Guardian
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group


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Review of Pay back  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi Soul sister

HAPPY EARLY 11th WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM
*CakeB* "Anniversary Reviews*CakeB*


Happy WdC Anniversary


*Fox* Overall impression *Right* A frightening story of how revenge might take form. She had found several avenues to hurt him, but I didn't see an explanation as to why his clients would drop him.

You effectively made me despise the husband, even though the narrator might not have been accurate. But she seemed fairly specific, although a bit vague in others. I can't help but side with her because I've known awful people. Burning his house down made a strong statement and a bold beginning.


*Burstb*
Watch out for passive and past perfect verb tenses. Otherwise, you end up with sentences like this one after the other:
She had let them believe it all too. She had had do so to protect them.

You can practice by reviewing and see how other authors avoid these pitfalls. *Wink*

Also, I suggest more paragraphing and more spacing for an easier read. I had to squint to read it. lol

I can't edit this entire piece for you, but watch out for changes in verb tenses.
She had (past) found it. It has(present) taken her six months


*Fox* Not a bad start for a first draft. Have fun editing. *Bigsmile* It's a lot of work, but it always pays off. You've built a solid case for the wife. *Checkg*


~Nixie Overwatch Guardian
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi sephinab

Happy WdC Anniversary

HAPPY 10th WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM
*CakeB* "Anniversary Reviews*CakeB*


*Bulletb*I remember an assignment in the 8th grade where we had to interpret the song "All the Lonely People". Funny to think back that we struggled to figure out what 'wearing a face . . ." meant.

*Bulletb* Overall, I found no fault with this work, just a bit of puzzlement. What prompted you to write a story about this song? Hearing it played again, or maybe remembering. It can be fun to write our vision of the song, and this story grew from the verses.

*Bulletb* My only suggestion is you include the reason 'why' you chose to do this. It could be a simple introduction or placed at the end of the story. This conundrum was partially my fault because I often read from the bottom of the page up. That's how I realized the story was based on a song. I wonder if I would have realized this without reading the ending first?

*Bulletb* All the details you filled in gave the song a personality, if you will. Although the verses are tragic and sad, the descriptions and expansion of the verses turned the story into something different, or more concrete.

*Bulletb* Another approach would be to leave out the verse at the end, but then the work might be considered plagiarism. In further thinking, I'd most likely include the song, maybe with a drop down menu with the full verses. Or, sorry I'm going on and on, explain your intentions in the short description after the story title.

*Bulletb* I wondered if Father Michael might consider leaving the chapel open, if only for weddings. I think that would be sweet, but I understand why you wrapped the story up the way you fashioned. It created more drama and enhanced his frustration with his chosen profession.

*Bulletb* Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your work.


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21
Review of As It Was Written  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Stu,

HAPPY 13th! WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM
*CakeB* "Anniversary Reviews*CakeB*


The story started out strong, and immediately captured my interest. I'm a shoe-in for physics, especially theoretical. I've heard the opinion before, that we are mere mortals effected by different creations of 'god's'. Even so far as to demonstrate a competition between them for the most successful outcome.

Excellent scene setting and character description impressed me and gave me a concrete picture of what was being discussed. *Checkg*

*Bulletb* This sentence distracted me.
He hovered in front of a large, shuttered window that was positioned precisely ....

*Bulletb*
Who is the 'he' in this sentence? 'that was' can be eliminated from the sentence. If you establish who the 'he' was in the first sentence, you don't have to worry about the same issue in the second paragraph. *Wink*
I found a few spelling errors, but they could be simply a cultural difference.

*Bulletb*My problem is always creating over-complicated plots that sometimes confuse. Your words are beautiful, but can the story be told with less? Fewer characters? The plot slowed too much for me.

*Bulletb* Strong conclusion that left a feeling of dread in my throat. Overall, a success!


Happy WdC Anniversary


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Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Frost. I found your story through the read and review option.

In complete honesty, I have to admit the punctuation errors were overwhelming to the point of me almost giving up. The dialogue and what there is of setting all need paragraphing. Right now, you have a giant block of a story that was difficult to read.

The story has no conflict, other than Sean wanting to see and the cruel kids at school teasing him. Of course, the big question is what's going on? Towards the end, we finally get some answers.

I wondered why the title is not capitalized correctly, yet is accurate at the top of the page.

I worked with a kid who was an albino. He fascinated me and we were good friends. I'm sad for Sean, a kid who no one would speak to honestly.

The conclusion seemed triumphant, if a bit rushed.

Your thoughts are on the page. Step one. All you need is some paragraphing, some scene building, punctuation editing, and a stronger conflict. I applaud you for trying; it's more than I have done in the entire year.

Please enjoy your time here. *Bigsmile*

~Nixie


Love this image from Brooke! Personal signature

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23
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Review of Christmas Rescue  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi! Elle! You won 10 reviews from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group at "Mad Hatter's Tea Party Enjoy all the attention. *Bigsmile*


*Baretree3*
The Hook
The cover art and the description caught my attention. And it was the first story in your portfolio.

*Baretree3*
A closer look
Oops.

"I don’t feel so flash".
I'm guessing 'flash' is an expression. But I did notice the period drifted out from the ending quotation.

*Questionp* What happened toward the end of the story? It's all squished up, no paragraphing, like in the beginning.

Could the wife's name been worked into the story? Maybe a quick exchange of greetings while she rushed to help.


*Baretree3*
LOTS of Emotions evoked

Such a tragic, yet accurate description. I teared up for a second.
"....ever-present darkness that had loomed inside me for the past year...

It actually hurt to read about the wife's pain. David sounded like a unique individual. Great character building using scenes that brought back memories.

I think I fell in love with the toddlers. You definitely know how to capture one. They're sneaky. Especially when the 'attacked' the dad. It was so easy to see that happening.

Surprise:
I learned a new word: punnet. I had to look it up. Thanks for sharing a word unfamiliar from across the pond.

Not surprising: I always learn something when I read your work. It's such a delight. *Smile*

*Baretree3*
A closed book=lasting impression
The entire story was authentic, but what really gladdened my heart was the person saved a life with no expectations. Many of us give with expectations. Surely, the gift is the pleasure of giving. Without expecting anything in return. And I'm not talking about holidays or whatever. I'm referring to your story, and how this point was eloquently expressed.

Excellent work, Elle.



Love this image from Brooke! Personal signature

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24
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Review of Owls and Dolls  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
For Superpower Reviewers


Surprise! "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group is raiding today! I chose your story to review. *Wink*

Nice piece of flash. *Checkg* Personification is one of my favorite literary tools. I was delighted to find not one, but two objects engaged in dialogue.

*Exclaimb* And Pippa discovered a new 'power'.


*Questionb* A few suggestions.

Two sentences in the beginning basically say the same thing. [Pippa was left in the barn.]

First paragraph
Hannah was so excited she forgot her doll.

Second paragraph
Pippa was still in the barn.

There is a subtle difference in the two sentences. Maybe Pippa was [abandoned] in the barn? Does that sound less repetitive?

Also, in the sentence below, authors remember an interesting concept when writing. Words like [started] distance the reader from the action.

Things started looking all shadowy, and dark, and there were strange noises. She started getting scared.

*Right* Suggestion: Simply write, and I apologize for the rewrite:

Things looked all shadowy and dark. Strange noises frightened her.

Conclusion: Oh my. Outstanding conclusion. Surprising, and funny. *Laugh*

Very clever!

~Nixie



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25
25
Review of Power Outage  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
For Superpower Reviewers


Surprise, Abby Gayle "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group is raiding today! And I chose your story to review. *Bigsmile*

From the beginning, I liked the preciseness of the plot according to the brief description. The reader knew exactly what to expect, and nothing more. That eliminates suggestions for a more detailed story. *Checkg*

*Noteb* Thoughts

In both these sentences, I would choose a stronger verb, avoiding the use of an adverb. In the first instance, the word is not even needed at the end of the sentence. *Wink*

I snatched the flashlight from her, snapping the light on [immediately].

I [immediately] got up and dashed to my siblings.


*Questiono*

Toward the ending, I couldn't wait until the electricity came back. Then I could finally get my essay done. It was due the next day!

Consider shortening this sentence, or move part of it to the first paragraph. It sounded repetitious.


*Exclaimb*

*Laugh*"Okay," Zane and Jane agreed at the same time, their twin-ness showing.

What a inventive sentence to demonstrate personalities. Well done!

*Clapper*

Fantastic conclusion. The insanity of being tethered to our phones was understated and effective. *Checkg*

What an unexpected and delightful conclusion. *Delight*

~Nixie


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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