My 3 Biggest Thoughts
1. This story is action-packed and exciting!
2. This story is heartwarming and tear-jerking!
3. This story had my attention from the beginning straight through to the end!
Typos and Suggestions
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Paragraph 11
The brick wall of miscommunication threatening to crush him...
This is a fragment; it does not actually tell the reader what the wall does. I think adding the word is after miscommunication would be the easiest way to make this a complete sentence, however, a replacing the period of the preceeding sentence with a comma would also do the trick.
...at his temple barely looks a year older.
While it's simple to know what you mean by this, the sentence alone would make no sense; a year older than what? I think adding than himself or something like that would really improve the clarity of the sentence.
Paragraph 26
...(his words, not mine)...
I think there should be a comma after words would improve the flow of this statement, but that could just be me.
Paragraph 28
"...this here beach, sir?"
Since the word sir is being used in the place of a proper name (Lieutenant Michael Bradley), it should be capitalized.
Paragraph 30
"...trap shut, Smitty, and do as yer..."
Since this is being directed at Smitty, there should be a comma before and after his name.
Paragraph 47
Ah guess ah am, sir.”
Since the word sir is being used in the place of a proper name (Captain...), it should be capitalized.
Paragraph 49
"...have to shoot, sir?"
Since the word sir is being used in the place of a proper name (Captain), it should be capitalized.
Paragraphs 53/54
There's a gap in the middle of paragraph 53; I think you typo-ed and forgot to start a new line before the indentation.
Paragraph 58
It isn't until he stops...does he realize...
I got caught up here and had to reread this sentence a few times. It just doesn't seem to flow. I think that changing 'does' to 'that' and adding an 'S' to realize would really improve the flow and clarity here.
Paragraph 66
Yay, for you, Baldwin thinks. Why don't you...
I'm unsure, but I don't think the comma after yay is actually neccessary.
Since this sentence tells the reader what Baldwin is thinking, I think that italicizing his thoughts would help the reader not only to distinguish the internal dialogue from the narrative, but also transition between the two smoother.
Paragraph 70
"My leader,"...words have been exchanged. "Would like you...
At first, this reads like it is being directed to the leader since the dialogue is broken in to separate sentences. Replacing the period after exchanged would definitely eliminate this problem and allow the reader to understand that "Would" is picking up from the preceeding dialogue and not starting a new statement.
Paragraph 85
"I don't understand...sir.
Since the word sir is being used in the place of a proper name (Captain), it should be capitalized.
Paragraph 88
"...so ******* scared, soldier."
Since the word soldier is being used in place of a proper name (Baldwin), I believe it should be capitalized.
Paragraph 96
She was yet to hear from...
The word was caught me off guard and seemed to break up the flow of this sentence. As I reread this sentence, the word had seemed to be what I was expecting instead of was.
Paragraph 124
"As ready as I can be, sir,"...
Sir (Captain Wilson) should be capitalized.
Paragraph 126
Left foot Joe...
Since 'foot' is part of the name, I believe it should be capitalized.
Paragraph 147
"Keep your head together, men!"
You use head (singular) and men (plural), so the two don't match up.
I think 'men' should be capitalized...?
Paragraph 154
"As well as I can be, sir,"...
Sir.
Paragraph 198
"...They're surrounding us, sir."
Sir.
Paragraph 213
Am I sying, sir?"
Sir.
Title
While this title does relate to the story(ies), it kind of gives the wrong impression since the rations are never actually mentioned throughout the stories.
Description and/or Introduction
Wonderful description! It tells the reader what the piece is and what it is about! Well done!
The introductions contained within this item are wonderful! The first introduction is well-chosen and informative! The second introduction is a wonderful glimpse into what inspired this story! Well done on both counts!
Emotion/Feeling/Affect
Throughout each story, you keep the reader's emotions at a high! You let the reader get to know each character and his/her situation in moments of pain, sadness, glory, fear, and many more --and it is simple for the reader to feel each one of the feelings along with the characters.
Visual Aspect/Content
Unfortunately, it's very easy to see everything throughout these stories --making the reader see some images that, I'm sure, many would rather not! It is true-to-life though and I respect that you did go easy on the readers; by making him/her see these horrific (as well as some good one), you truly dragged your reader into the story, making it even easier for him/her to feel everything as well!
Dialogue
The dialogue throughout these stories is wonderfully written! It is true-to-form for the time period as well as the situations which makes the reader fall deeper into the story and truly makes the story come to life for the reader.
Wording/Form/Style
These stories are written in an easy to see, feel, and hear manner which makes the reader feel as though he/she is there, not just reading the words! Through your simple yet well-informed writing style, you manage to entwine military jargon and normal speech to keep everything flowing smoothly and keep everything simple for the reader to understand!
My Favorite Bit(s)
I think the third story is my favorite... it was a nice change of pace, as well as containing a nice little lesson! In this story, not only does the reader not know how to feel at some moments, but the reader is allowed to smile.
Summary of Overall Thoughts
I truly enjoyed each and every one of these stories! I was, however, disappointed that they never came together; I was expecting an ending that would bring all of the characters together, allowing the reader closure with each character (a chance to say good-bye to the characters that you so-well made your reader feel for and understand...)...
All in all, though, this was a truly wonderful set of stories! (I once lived with an ex who was obsessed with WWII... he finally came in useful since I read through this with highly-piqued interest and an understanding of the time and war...)! I am very impressed with how you managed to keep everything true! You did not stray away from the facts of the time, you did not sugar-coat or twist things. Each of these stories could really have taken place! I love that they are not only that believable, but that possible. It made reading this so emotional and so real, that I was amazed!
All links provided have been graciously taken from "Grammarama" by Davy Kraken
Stephanie Grace
" Invalid Item"
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