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Basic Thoughts
This is definitely not something I would normally read. While I make sure to have a good knowledge about politics and have seemingly constant conversations about such topics, I really prefer to keep away from it. (You are talking to someone who refuses to vote and who, right now, is petrified that a WOMAN might take the office of presidency!) I am a very opinionated person on such mattters, but, I like to keep politics as far as I can from my mind and most parts of my life --knowledge, I don't mind having, but cnversations about said knowledge have become trite and redundant. No one has original thoughts anymore.. Hopefully, you will change my thinking!
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Paragraph 1
...for a man to be Paranoic about...
There is no need to capitalize the 'P'.
But, up to what degree the answers that come to the human head are true?
This sentence really did not seem to flow. Somewhere along the way, the sentence begins to read like regular statement and I had to reread it several times to find out where this sentence lost me... I think that maybe changing the words around a bit may greatly improve the flow and clarity...
But, up to what degree are the answers that come to human head are true?
Paragraph 3{/u{
...none seemed to be logical after I drawed them out...
'Drawed' should be 'drew'.
...Hezbollah Members, wich it's hardly a scratch....
which is...
Paragraph 4
...of people whose the good and whose the evil.
Because this statement is meant to say that the sides are good and evil, not that they own good and evil, "whose" should be who is or who's.
Paragraphs 6/7
There is an extra lined skipped between these paragraphs.
Paragraph 7
...there are proofs that israel used...
I think that by changing are proofs to is proof may improve the flow of this sentence. Also, the 'i' in 'israel' should be capitalized.
Paragraph 8
...wage the moth war?
month?
Paragraph 9
...made the Iraqi goverment...
government
Paragraph 10
...The Sunnis and the Shia...
In this paragraph, you use two different forms for the "groups." "Sunnis" refers to the members of the group,. the being "Sunni"; whereas "Shia" refers to the group consisting of the Shi'ites. With the context of this paragraph, I think that it would improve clarity if you used either the names of the party for both or the group word for both.
Paragraph 11
...as the goverment from in Iraq.
government form
Paragraph 12
...family had a unfinished business...
The 'a' is out of place in this sentence.
...possibility wich isn't far...
which.
Paragraph 13
...the US goverment
Since 'US' is an initial abbreviation for 'United States', there should be a period after each letter. Also, government.
...Chatolic boy
I thought perhaps this was a religion I am unaware of, so looked it up and found nothing. I think you may have meant Catholic?
Summary of Overall Thoughts
Well, I am really not going to get into this (mainly for afformentioned reasons), but there are several comments that I feel strongly compelled to share with you... (No, I am not turning this into a debate... I am going to focus on the writing, not opinions).
First off, this is definitely a rant. Since this is not an item that was researched and contains facts, but more of a statement of personal opinion and knowledge (and also does not really have one main focus), I don't feel that this is really an "essay."
Second, this item read as though no research had been done at all. Everything mentioned within, are the same comments that have been said on channels such as CNN a million times. I truly feel that you should have more facts and data to back up your words since this is written as a piece to be taken as informative.
In closing, I feeling that this is a fine expression of your opinions, but not something that people should base their own opinions on and/or read too much into without doing their own research.
(I am truly sorry if I sound harsh --and believe me, it is not in defense of ANYONE, it is truly due to the reasons above. I still do, however, look forward to reading by more you in the future --of other genres and topics, I hope...)
Thank you, again!
All links provided have been graciously taken from "Grammarama" by Davy Kraken
Sapphire
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