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Review of True friend  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, KatherineP

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is an easy to read tribute to a good friend, and the message is clear. Many will be able to relate to the words.

The one thing that causes a bump is the first comma. If it was a period, the rest would be smooth.

You have helped me,
Lost count the number of times,
You have listened,
Every time I needed you to,

The first comma tells me the line continues on to the next. But that makes the reading of --you have helped me lost count-- which doesn't make sense with --lost--. Or, you could change the word to --lose--. Maybe it was only a typo in the first place? I thought it saying --I lost count--

I enjoyed reading it, I like the way each sentence connects to the next to make a new one.

Be sure and take advantage of the many review forums for lots of feedback.
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Well done!


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esprit

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Review by esprit
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello, WhiteRose

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is a sweet and gentle piece, and it was easy to read. No major bumps at all. The scene is vivid with imagery.

I noticed a couple of things for you during the read. I hope they help.

Old man Charlie rocks on his chair --in--his chair.

He waits for the children, listening to feet thumping along with the summer's beat

What a vivid picture I see and hear. The heat of summer does have a beat, and this is the first time I've seen it used in a poem. Your imagination and creativity is showing - well done!

Margret and May, Charlie and Kay, Benson and Matia, Susana Ann Tae

What a fun line! I like the rhythm and the sounds are melodious. I can imagine children singing this. Excellent!

They gather round sit there and wait,

I know we talk like this, but it isn't as noticeable as when we write it. I suggest removing --there-- maybe add a --to--in front to smooth it out. Example: ----They gather round to sit and wait,---

Then silence gather as the look at the sun,

A couple of typos I think. --gathered--as --they-- or --gathers as they--
I can see them doing this - good imagery.

The sunset arrives so beautiful, seemed surprise, for they did this everyday

These two statements don't match up well. Maybe --they weren't--surprised,-? or --they showed no surprise-- or another view --they seemed surprised, though they did this everyday.--

Be sure to write--surprise-- or -- surprised-- because it needs to fit.

the song he thought them to sing,

I assume you intended to write --taught--, unless he was able to project his 'thoughts' into their minds and control what they did. If this was in the Fantasy genre, that would work.

As they got up and left they sang the song he thought them to sing,

I suggest finding another word. --got--doesn't show well. What about
--rose--? It means the same thing but is more 'poetic'. *Smile*

while old Charile Burns
old Charile Burns

The spelling is different from the beginning.

The ending line shows this is a series, I look forward to reading more.
The title is catchy - I liked it.

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esprit

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Review of what you would be  
Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, missmisery

Welcome to Writing.Com!

Good strong emotion, it comes through well. This is pretty good. The tone and message is clear and easy to identify. I noticed a couple of things I want to mention. All you need to do is consider, not change unless you think it will benefit the piece. Only you knows the real intention of the words you chose.

would you beg of me to roam through wet dreams of solitude.

This caught me up because 'solitude' is commonly being alone. The meaning isn't clear.

in every tear you love to breed.

I'm guessing at the meaning here. I hope I'm right. *Smile*

As it is written, I don't know what is meant. But, I think if the word --in--was taken out, it would mean he loves to breed every tear. He loves to see her cry? breed a tear?

for touch does not prove it be

This needs another word for clarity, or a slight rewording.

You're every thought that carried my dreams, to recreate fantasy in subconscious movie scenes.

This is a wonderful line! Pretty creative.

It's a good beginning, with strong emotion.

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esprit

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Review by esprit
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hello, meg

I found your item on the Public Review page and the title caught my interest. I wanted to read such an intriquing piece. Good choice!

The emotion shows through strongly and can be felt by the readers. Good work. I can tell it comes straight from the heart; the message is clear and many writers will be able to relate to it. Good work!

I'm not reviewing as a poet. I don't write poetry, you see. The discerning reader in me found a couple of things you may not have noticed, or knew and chose to keep. Your decision, always. I only report.

The 2 point 5 you gave me's still
my worst mark for reviewing.

I've not seen a contraction used this way before. I know poet's can do most anything with their words and they're accepted; I only wanted to mention that it 'appears' to be an error to this non-poet reader.

A distracting choice of words. Reviewers don't receive rates. I suggest making the line clear so no one misses the theme.

Of fives and four and a halfs

I suppose you're taking 'poets licence' here, but it would present itself better, with no change to the rhyme if the word was spelled correctly. What do you think?

Lately I've received a flurry
Of fives and four and a halfs
I can look now at your measly score
And have myself some laughs.

I stumbled with this verse because there has been punctuation up till now. There is none here to help the reader with comprehension. The bolded word doesn't fit the message smoothly.
Did you consider --Since--? I think it would work better with the ''since my rate rose I can now laugh-- thought.

My poem did survive.

This line is the only one with five syllables, so the rhythm is broken. I noticed the verses don't have a consistent rhythm, because of various syllable counts, but five really breaks the flow. IMO as a reader.

(Written for those who feel demoralised
by a poor rating and/or review)

A good strong word to explain the purpose of the write.

It's a good, strong rant - Write on!





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Review of Renee's Song  
Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello,

I found your Blog via Google with keywords 'Novice Writers'; yours was on the first page. *Smile*

I noticed your post about this piece and it made me curious enough to read it, even though I don't review poetry. I do like to read it sometimes though, such as now.

It carries a deep melancholy tone that made me so sad as I read. I could see the images clearly and could follow the story with ease.

But it’s disjointed and there’s no flow to it, probably because I rearrange the scenes often.

I agree with your thoughts about it being disjointed with no flow. Remember, I'm not a poet - but I noticed it lacks rhythm and this will cause it to lack flow. A poet can explain it better, but the syllable count is very important to a good, consistent rhythm. Your counts are off. You could search for poetry tips on the search box, and post it on good poetry review forums.

Here are a few things I can offer.

I choose to live fast before I'm old.

This is the present tense, did you intend --chose-- as in the past?

Looking near and far, the cops aren't familiar,

Wouldn't an investigation be handled the same way as an outside crime? If it isn't, it should be.

Like 'horses are gone, cause the stable door,'

A typo of --close--

I like the idea of placing individual lines throughout the story, and I think these are descriptive enough to work well. In fact, the rhythm may not be as important when used this way, since they won't be read as a whole.

You're tackling a difficult task, but, you're doing well.






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Review of Last ride  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello again, Alex

a piece i'm using for coursework

Thanks for asking me to read this one for you.

This is a good, tension-filled, realistic piece of horror. Again, you've a talent that will become stronger as you practice and learn the rules.

He waited at the bus stop.

The opening four lines aren't strong and won't compel the reader to continue. It doesn't have to be bells and whistles, but it needs to catch the interest.

This was the last day of his tragic life==
===the reassuring weight of the revolver in his pocket

These are good lines and I was going to suggest keeping and working them in; but you have already worked in the revolver several times. It's good to have them close to the opening. Keep them and work them into a new opening paragraph, I suggest this para.

John beeped his pass as he stepped onto the bus.

It gives his name and shows him boarding a bus. And, he is doing something.

John smiled at the driver and wondered if it would be the driver’s last day as well…

Good job of beginning the tension. But, be aware of repeating. 'driver' is repeated three time too close together. It is distracting.

the word -bus- is used 26 times.

twenty-four hours. He had a bad day at work; he was the manager of an electronics store.

What an understatement! *Delight* Seriously though, I suggest removing this phrase. This will be 'shown' well later.

This bus, no. 94, was the bus he always took to work; he had no intention of going to work today.

Reword a bit. Readers know he was fired so of course he won't be going to work.

no. 94

used 12 times. Other than the numbers adding up to thirteen, I don't see the necessity of repeating the number so often. They began to annoy me.

three people boarded the bus 94.

Extra info the readers already know. Wordy.

The first two were an elderly couple, both looked happy, content with the others love

I think the line would flow with a better rhythm if the first comma was a period. The remainder of the line is bumpy too. Perhaps: Both looked contented with... or, Both looked happy and content...

I noticed you almost never use the word --and--to connect your thoughts, but use a comma instead. It's okay to use it but, just as any word, don't use it too often. In the flashbacks it's used well.

because it was usually the bus after this one that the pupils from the school caught.

This sounds awkward to me. Perhaps; --because the pupils usually caught the next bus.--or--usually caught the bus after mine.--

This made me wonder how he knew this since he would already be at work when the students were on a bus.

He looked about twelve years old, nervousness plagued him though,

Replace with a period. His nervouseness has nothing to do with his age. Two separate thoughts, two separate sentences.

and he never looked relaxed at a single point as he got on the bus.

--after--he boarded - the bus.

If you intentionally meant --as--he got on, it's a little bit hard to imagine. How many points are there in boarding a bus? A couple of steps, (which John wouldn't be able to see from his position) a few more steps to a seat, than sitting. -With his back to John.
--after--could give a clearer image of his nervousness if the boy turned and gazed around a few times.

John was sixteen

These two paras of thoughts are excellent. They are emotional and vivid. And, they help to define the character.

drawing victims in to its warm, deadly claws

I like the image, but I can't fit warm with claws. To me, they are cold and sharp. --warm, deadly belly--? --cold, deadly claws--?

man as Dave a friend of Laura’s,

Comma after Dave.

Laura’s, he would see John

Replace comma with a period.

The next two people to board the bus were a mother pushing a pram with a baby in it.

Two always takes a --were--, but it's difficult to see two here. That makes --were--sound--off kilter. The pram is seen instead of the baby. Is she actually 'pushing' the pram into the bus? Is there a ramp? I'm not familiar with any type of bus other than those that have regular size doors and two or three steps.

where the mother set the pram and then sat down, her baby facing her, the baby began to cry.

Did she set it down, like she was carrying it? Or 'park' it with the baby still inside? Would she be allowed to block the aisle with it?

He must have been just shy of seven feet in height

This adds to the wordiness and isn't necessary. It clearly means his height. It's 'telling''.

he had a car but he usually got the bus or walked wherever he went.

A little awkward. Why don't you consider --took-- and see how it sounds to you?

All the way he was scared, terrified in fact. He had to tell Laura

Extra words that don't add anything to the description. I suggest cutting them for a stronger, more intense line.

This fear wasn’t true though, it was over shadowed by the immense comfort of knowing Laura would understand

I know he is truly scared to tell her, but he is comforted by knowing she'll understand. But, saying the fear wasn't true is inconsistent. He was scared according to the previous lines. I suggest rewording to show his comfort, but keep the fear, regret, shame - whatever he is feeling and dreading to tell her. Those are still fear, but a different type.

singing, but that wasn’t just it.

This is an extra word that confuses the meaning. I suggest removing it. The next lines show it wasn't that kind of silence.

There was something terribly wrong.

There are some good hooks scatttered that keeps the readers curiosity up. I hope they aren't too obvious though. I suspected a while ago why he's lost his mnd. If I'm right, the hooks aren't subtle enough.

Final comment. Well done! I was wrong about the ending.

John mind was wondering as it often did on 94 and he

This appears to be a typo of --wandering--

his pulse crashing in his ears like a thousand war drums.

Wonderful body language! Real emotion.

He probably should have called Laura’s name. He didn’t. He walked into his home.

Good hook! This is filling me with anticipation and is intense. I wondered why he should call her name. Different thoughts are going through my mind. Is she being unfaithful, rather then lying on the floor after a miscarriage? It's good to cause readers to not know for sure. You're doing this very well.

John reached the bottom of the stairs.

This paragraph is wonderfully described! It brought this reader to the door to see it all. Good descriptive writing!

In a hand that shook violently he held a note,

Look at the number of times this word is used in these few lines. Ten. They become very noticable. Go through and see how many you can sub by rewrites.

This is a great draft. It held my interest through curiosity, and the questions I kept asking myself. Well done!

Work on the repetition, it's a big issue.

The character seemed older than he was. The tone of thought and the way he analyze the passengers gave him the appearance of a man over the age of sixty, to me. The extreme boredom at work seems unusual for a man around thirty. I don't suggest it doesn't happen, but younger men tend to change jobs when this happens. Older men are afraid to quit for obvious reasons.

The ending doesn't resolve the story at all, but sometimes, leaving it as a mystery will work. This one does.






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Review of Out on the Water  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, Jordan Messinger

I found your request for serious feedback on "Please Review" 

This would be a good scene in a larger piece. It's good.

I feel the character's strong reflective mood, and it placed me inside his thoughts well. I can relate. *Smile*

You are aware it's a scene only, and not a completed short story? There is no beginning and no end, so I won't comment on the lack of those.

passed the point of exhaustion and now every muscle in his body ached

This word could be cut. It's obviously 'now'- so the meaning would be safe.

mid-afternoon sun beat upon the little boat

A good line until I bumped on this word. Can you consider cutting or changing to a more descriptive one? -little--is relative and depends upon what kind of boat it is. Finding it's a rowboat comes later. If you don't want to say --rowboat--, say something like --two-man boat-- or whatever size it is. Or, just say --boat-- and let the oars reveal it later. The bolded word only pulls the reader out of the story, while saying nothing to move it forward.

There were but a handful of clouds in the sky and were it not for a few birds

The repetition is noticeable because they are sitting so close together. I suggest changing the second to another word.

one may well have been able to hear the sound of the catfish as it glided through the water beneath the boat.

This is wordy and 'tells' too much. The first bolded phrase could easily be removed without losing the meaning. --hearing-- is "the sound". Readers will connect them.

The second is telling the obvious. Consider cutting one or the other of these phrases. --through the water-- or --beneath the boat-- --catfish as it glided beneath the boat.-- It's obvious it is in the water. --glided through the water.--works by itself. The fish can be either alongside the boat or under it. Readers will see what they want to see, let them if it doesn't affect the outcome of the story.

A single tear slowly made its way

Since --a tear--is a 'single' tear, the first bolded word could be cut easily.
The second is wordy, and it doesn't describe well. Readers know how fast a tear will roll down a cheek.

James watched helplessly as the boat drifted peacefully onto the embankment.

The two --ly--words placed so close throws the rhythm of the line off and it becomes bumpy. The first bolded works in a way, but readers already knows he's exhausted, so this is a bit redundant to me. The second bolded might fit in the first space better. It fits the mood he is showing there. So, I might suggest moving -peacefully--to replace --helplessly--and cut helplessly. The only way you'll know if that works for you, is to read it aloud.

The scene causes me to be curious about this character. Does he have a high-stress job in the city and escape to the quietness of the country is how he keeps his sanity? Is he a gangster that hates his lifestyle? I know he is unmarried and lonely, with few friends. What has he become? These are not questions for you, the author, they are questions that came to me as I read it. Pretty good hooks to keep a reader turning the pages. *Smile*

He is caught in the ultimate Catch 22.

these were the days he treasured most and yet these were the same days that he wished were no longer necessary.

Without adding more story, I believe more thoughts are needed to add credibility to the tears. Not much, it's been established well that he has problems with being alone. Just a word or two might fix it. A lost love's name? Something from the heart.

Have you thought about describing the water itself? I know when the sun is shining, it does beautiful things with water, especially when the water is so quiet. As the title refers to water, I think showing it would allow the readers to image it in their minds while they're listening to the man's thoughts.

I never suggest a change of wording unless I believe it will make the piece clearer, and I never rewrite. You're a good writer; what I'm pointing out is intended to reduce wordiness to make a tighter, more emotional piece, ane a bit more description.

Again, it sounds like it would make a good story.



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Review of Shandi's Dream  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello, Char

I found your request for serious feedback on "Please Review" 

This is a great story! It held my interest most of the way and I enjoyed it very much. You've a talent in you that I hope you continue to polish.

This needs some work true, but it will be worth it by the time you've finished.

she had been relinquishing her newfound freedom.

I don't think this the word you meant. Perhaps --relishing--?

The rubbish dump where she had camped out at the previous night

This is wordy. Try to tighten by removing unnecessary words.

scrawling their hopes and fears onto the molten rock of the solid brick walls

The bolded phrase cause a bump and distraction to this reader. What is it supposed to show? I suggest cutting it as brick is not molten rock.

(the name sounded darn nice, but in reality, it was a junkie town where the inhabitants had been forgotten by the rest of America.) to…

Are the parenthesis important to you? They slow the read.

of fatal attraction, and till now, still had no qualms about

But, they do have qualms now? I'm not sure I understand this as you meant it. Maybe,
--and even now, still?

“Josh. I’ve some other kinds…” The guy, Josh, started to dig around in his pocket again.

I wondered why he stopped and took time to do this when it was obvious someone was chasing him. He stopped pretty close to the entrance of the alley.

Why did he say his name here? It doesn't sound natural since she didn't ask; especially when he's running from someone and should be nervous from that.

What was the purpose of bringing Rick in? He didn't add anything to the story and it wasn't explained. Why was he bleeding? Who were they running from? Not much info is needed, but some definitely is. Rick could be cut completely.

whenever she peered through the tiny crack of her half-opened bedroom door,

Should the reader see a tiny crack or a half-open door? They are not the same.

Shandi suddenly realized that he did look familiar to her.

This sounds like she'd thought about this for a bit, but she hadn't. Since he'd already said this, perhaps she would think --...realized he looked familiiar to her, too.

Shandi felt nauseous. She wanted to get out ASAP.

Did she really think the letters? If so, it's okay. But, if this is shortening the phrase for the author's convenience, it's a bad idea.

and yes, she hate to admit it, but she was fearful of him.

--hated--
Why did she hate to admit it? Because he's good-looking?

And fear made you do irrational things.

Like what? In the next couple of lines, she isn't afraid of him anymore, but I didn't see her do an irrational thing.

So when Josh reached out a hand to grabbed

--grab--

Beginning the line with --So--is a bump, it sounds like it belongs to the previous line, and I think it could.

When Shandi came to a few moments later,

Why did she fall and pass out?

She ran with him ever since after that day.

I suggest cutting this word to let the line read smoother.

The very first day they met. Or maybe, the first day they had acknowledged each other. For it was probably a couple of years since they had glimpsed each other, hovering on the fringes of each other’s lives…

The first two sentences are incomplete and don't say anything. The third is confusing. I suggest rewriting these for clarity or cutting them. They don't seem to push the story forward.

“Wait…” Don’t go. She wanted to tell him. “Can I follow you?”

she 'wanted' to tell him, but didn't? It sounds like she is speaking out loud here. Is she?

Shandi wanted to complete her art degree.

since she hasn't graduated high school, she hasn't begun her classes. Having her say she want to --get--her degree would work though.

She sat back down on the floor, hard. Swallowing with difficulty, she reached one hand

This is a good intense scene. The anticipation is high.

I suggest removing the bolded word because she hadn't been sitting on the floor, so she couldn't sit --back-- down on the floor.

flat wooden box was inside it. She took it out.

Shandi took it out and laid it one the floor in front of her.

Redundant. She can only take it out once.

as she could, back pressed hard against the peeling wallpaper

Add the word --her--back, for clarity.

What… was so horrible about this whole thing. Josh had betrayed her.

Cut the ellipsis. They slow the line tremendously and aren't needed here.

She heard his voice before he saw him.
eyes clenched shut and arms wrapped around

--A typo of --she--
With her eyes clenched, it's obvious she would hear him before seeing him. I suggest cutting that line to keep to story moving. This is a very intense scene and you don't want to pull the readers out at this point.

What… was so horrible about this whole thing. Josh had betrayed her.

This isn't too smooth. I think what she's trying to say is;
What was so horrible about this whole thing is that Josh had betrayed her. --yes?

He saw her before he saw it. His eyes opened wide

But then, his glance chanced upon the white

I suggest cutting the first bolded phrase and and the period to include --his eyes opened wide. He hasn't seen the box yet so it shouldn't be there.

The second line is good and clear all by itself, and it's enough.

His beloved cocaine.

It isn't credible for her to live so close with him for weeks, and not notice he was a user. Especially if he loves it. He just wouldn't be able to hide it, would he? Wouldn't she see and recogonize the signs by watching her parents for seventeen years?

that he was stashing them for a friend,

Change this to --it--, since it was powdered, not pills.

This… defeated hunch of his shoulders, as he looked back up slowly towards her.

Cut the ellipsis.
The line is worded awkwardly. Try switching the words around, play with them until they sound perfect. If they already do, then leave them alone. *Delight*

She looked right at him.

“You lied.”

Search for a stronger word. What about --directly--? Sormething to show her strength.

Those deep green eyes were begging her to just forgive him.
“No.” The word burst out of her before she could even stop

These are extra and 'wordy'. Try taking them out to make a stronger sentence.

“Shandi? Please.” Josh sounded like he was about to break down now.

I believe this line--- No.” The word burst out of her before she could even stop ---
would fit better here, after Josh speaks. It gives a finality that is missing in its original position. There it sounds random and uncontrolled. Here, there is a purpose for the word --No.-- I like that you didn't use an exclamation point after --No.-- It shows she is in control and means what she said.

as she slipped out through the front door.
and stepped out the door

Consider cutting the first sentence because it's redundant with the second, and the readers will understand when they read the second. It's shown well where she is.

It's a good ending, but her problems are unresolved. Is this the first chapter or is it finished? Okay either way. It's clear she's alone again and I wonder what her next step will be. I liked her as a character. Both of them really could use more developing though. We didn't get to know them too well, but it's a terrific start. It really is.

Good work!






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Review by esprit
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hello, Gabriel S. New

I found your request for serious feedback on "Please Review" 


gem from Gabriel S. New at the $ilky $mooth $tories blog. www.gabrielsnew.tk

I noticed this line in all of your items. I suggest you take advantage of the Brief Description to grab the interest of the reader. It helps the reader to know the type of writing it is.

it clipped another set of grass blades.

Is this a regional expression? Does it mean 'tuft'? I'm unfamiliar with it.

the horse stumbled and fell.

I have no idea why, but I had a vision of an old wolf in my mind through the entire piece. This surprise requires that I read it again with the correct character.

Occasionally a defect in the terrain would repel the contour of its hoof and it would stagger off at a diagonal, halted only by the stiffness of its joints.

You have described some good visuals. I can see the scene clearly, and it's full of a sad emotion - the end of life. Good work.

The moon in daylight

I don't understand the meaning of the title. It doesn't clue the reader to the contents.

The dark eyes had glazed over in the face,

The bolded words could be cut safely to avoid a bit of wordiness and obvious information. For instance: --eyes in the face--

Check for yourself, but I think this line would work better in the last para.

Some flowers were missing from the thorn-apple.

I don't think this line is needed unless you can make it relevant. I stopped and figured out the flowers were the clump of 'tissue' he'd swallowed, but it isn't necessary. I think the preceeding line end it better.

This is a clear scene of a dying horse, lonely and confused. He has drawn my sympathy and compassion.

I think there are several extra words that could be cut to tighten the read and allow it to flow smoother. Search by reading aloud, slowly.

Enter a couple of spaces to give the presentation a cleaner appearance. This isn't as neat as it could be.

It's pretty good and I enjoyed it.





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Review of life in placement  
Review by esprit
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello, juggalospaz

Welcome to Writing.Com!

You've done a very good job with showing the emotion. The reader can feel the sadness and frustration and empathy is easily given to the character. You've allowed the reader to see inside a facility and gauge the despair that is found there.

There are some spelling and punctuation errors, but as a first draft, the story is told well. Errors are fixed during the revision process. If you want help with those, post it on a few review forums and ask for a critical review whenever you're ready. *Delight*

Be sure and take advantage of the many review forums for lots of feedback.
"Find a Review Forum" 

Well done!


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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Marion Sparks

Welcome to Writing.Com

This is very good. It reads smoothly with only a couple of bumps. The voice is of a wise narrator speaking to a friend. It's gentle advice is felt and heard by the reader. The words well chosen but for the one line I mention.

may come some time sooner than the last time.

This line sounds awkward. The meaning is clear, but the word choices make a bumpy read.

and new power wield as you wish.

Either a word is missing here --power to wield-- or
the tense is off --wielded--

I suggest reading the line aloud with both versions and use the one that sounds best to you.


For a more complete, technical review, be sure and post your work on a few review forums. "Find a Review Forum" 

Well done!

esprit

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Review of Rose of Dragona  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Rose Of Dragona

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is good. It tells enough to clue the reader in to the plot, and the hooks are wonderfully intriquing. I would definitely open this book and begin reading.

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Well done!


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Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi, laidman

I found your item on http://www.writing.com/main/list_items/type/autore...

The story has good voice. It's realistic with a good tension to pull the readers in tight. The setting is described well too. Is this a first chapter? I suggest you mention at the top or bottom that it isn't finished, if that is true.

Rigoberto and Ratoncito

These are good names, but the similarities of sound and first letter become confusing to the reader. I had to stop and think who was who too often.

“Do what I told you, boy,” Rigoberto whispered to Ratoncito

I believe letting the story begin here will be a better hook. It is more active and tension filled then the actual beginning. The first two paragraphs could be cut easily as they are 'telling' more than 'showing'. The reader isn't pulled into the story as well. Inserting one line here will give the scene the needed clarity. Example:

Do what I told you, boy,” Rigoberto whispered to Ratoncito, as the skinny little kid wiggled through the broken window. His face was fear-blanched as he looked back at Rigoberto and asked with his eyes if he should continue.

Some words were cut but it still says the same thing.

Pull the teclada, that thing with numbered keys on it, off the wall with a quick jerk…

I tried to translate --teclada'--but, Babel Fish wouldn't do it. I like the description following the word, but it doesn't help me figure out what it is either. *Smile* The only thing that comes to my mind is a guitar of some kind. I'm only guessing this because of the use of 'keys' and 'wall'. I think a better description is needed to allow the readers to see what he is tearing from the wall. It's important.

but he couldn’t trust this job of ‘look out’ to any one else.

--anyone--else.

A slight rewording might help this line. He didn't have anyone else for the job, did he? This sounds like there were more than two.

unasked, after her watchmen picked up and left

Did she have more than one 'watchman'?

“But we didn’t get anything yet,” the boy whined.
His face was fear-blanched

The boy was so frightened earlier that his face was fear-blanched. To hear him 'whine' now is distracting. It sounds like he doesn't want to leave even though the urgency and fear in Rigoberto's voice clearly shows danger. I wondered why he isn't scared any longer.

The story is coming along well. I can feel the nervous tension of having to do this job well, as it will affect his future income. The emotion is good and it brings the piece to life.

The dog barking is good and it could be brought into their thoughts while they're hiding in the bushes at the end.

It's going to be a good,interesting story.





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Review of Digging Up Bones  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello, kawheeta

I like this. The theme is truly one of my favorites. You're a talented writer and can tell a story that holds the readers attention. I enjoyed this one very much. I feel it needs some fine tuning though, to allow the words to flow smoother and prevent the bogging down that wordiness causes. I hope you consider my suggestions as they are given honestly.

Chapter 1

like a pissed-off Banny rooster."

Is this a culteral expression? I've heard and seen it as 'Banty' to clearly mean Bantum. If you're sure of the spelling and pronunciation that your intended audience uses, keep it.

"Oh hell, I guess I'm late again."
"Yeah, that would be a good guess

Separate the lines of each speaker with a touch of the enter key.

late. Shane simply smiled and waved at the small man before starting the giant diesel engine

Good showing and building of his personality. A little arrogant, confident, and a sense of humor. I'm liking him.

he saw a Red Tail Hawk gliding on unseen air currents and felt sad knowing that he was helping to destroy its home.

This shows his gentle side and further builds on his character. Good.

“Hey, what the hell do ya think yer doin’?” Ray called out as the larger man started away from the pickup carrying both the skull and shovel.{/c:red}

I don't much like this word, personally. It could cause confusion or misunderstanding, like expecting him to stop or hesitate after 'starting'. Simply saying 'walked' causes no hesitation.

I like the sound of Ray's voice. His dialect is realistic and natural, and still easy to read. It isn't overdone. Good work.


Shane stared at his foreman in disbelief for
Shane started digging a hole before answering,

This shows his strength to stand up for what he believes in. He's firm and honest. More good building of the personality. Most people have at least one flaw though, don't forget to show it somehow, before the ending. Good character building!*Smile*

Ray quickly arrived at the mound of earth that had been formed by the huge bulldozer.

This is 'telling again' what has already been told. Cut the words that don't move the story forward. Stopping at the 'mound' is clear, readers will know how it was formed.

He looked around at the nearby area and saw that Ray was right;

'looked' is usually an awkward sounding word. 'saw' is too. Look for substitutes that are more descriptive and not as boring. The theasaurus is good for this. The line is wordy and could be tightened by cutting some words. An example:--He studied the area and realized Ray was right--

larger man

This phrase is used more than once and is noticeable. During revision, look for repetition and cut them. I also noticed 'smaller man' used the same way.

Shane sat there shaking his head and then said, “Not just no, but hell no!

Read this aloud without saying the bolded words and see how it sounds to you. Change --shaking-- to --shook--first. I think its tighter, which makes the line hold more tension. Shane is very tense and readers should feel it.

The ending phrase reminds me of the Viet Nam War protesters repeating the almost cliched line. Could be a good hint of what will come later in the story. A good hook.

Look at those rocks over there. They didn’t just grow that way;
Good line!

Ray glanced at the neatly stacked rocks that Shane had pointed at, but seemingly didn’t care how they got there.

The bolded words could be cut easily, not changing the meaning of the scene at all. Read it aloud and hear the difference. It shows Ray as a selfish man, not maybe a selfish man as --seemingly--implies. He 'definitely' is. The other boldeds are repeated info, a bad habit. Trust your readers to remember who pointed them out. *Smile*

The word --he--is used lots of times. Lots. Cut as many as possible.

CHAPTER 2

admiring the old building. He studied the craftsmanship that had gone into the building more than a hundred years ago

Avoid repetition when it's this close together. I suggest rewriting the bolding area.

When the heavy wooden doors
the heavy marble floor

Repetition.

“I think you had best talk to the High Sheriff. You wait there and I’ll tell him your here.”

If this is to show his dialect, it's not a good idea. It'll only look like a spelling error to the readers. --you're--

After a few moments, the deputy opened the door and started back followed closely by a much larger man wearing

Cut and trim the extra bolded words. --the deputy came back, followed...
--Opening the door--will be an obvious act.

larger man wearing a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, and a giant silver belt buckle fastened around a pair of tan dress slacks with the pockets trimmed in dark brown.

Good description. I see Jackie Gleason's character of Sheriff in The Bandit series with Burt Reynolds.

Ignoring the mixture of odors produced by the pickup truck,

I don't know why, but I thought he was from this area. He's unfamiliar with so many things though; how long has he been here? He's beginning to sound like a city boy.

the small round
a large round
an old pickup
bright-green baseball style cap

This is seen throughout the piece. Too many adjectives are distracting and will eventually cause a boring read. They slow it down and really, readers won't care or remember most of it.

Upon entering, he noted that the place was still decorated in the 1950's-style with the small round stools lined up in front of the counter. On the wall hung a large round red and white Coca Cola sign

Cutting 'small' and 'large' in this paragraph will not change the image at all. Readers can see a stool, they are all about the same size. A sign on a wall will be seen through the readers eyes.

It's a very well described setting that doesn't need the extra clutter.

when she smiled complemented her dark features.

Spelling in this context is --complimented--

“More coffee?” she asked sweetly.
said flatly, “Yeah---do ya have a problem with that?”

Wow, good showing of her too! She's a strong, independent woman. She's fast to take offense though. Her anger is close to the surface all the time, I think. She 'expects' to be offended; probably from a lifetime of living it. This was a little overboard I think. He's a customer and he asked a relatively innocent question in a quiet tone. Isn't she experienced to know how to deal with customers better than this? I don't know why she was so angry. Her speech pattern changed with her anger, why? Is this her natural way of speaking?

"Sure, I'd be happy to" he replied and they left the cafe.
Without speaking, he turned off the engine and got out carefully locking his door.

Why emphatize 'carefully'? Will it be important later?

He opened the passenger door of the little VW and crammed his large frame into the seat of the small car.

Wordy and overtelling. Readers know he's big, and they know a VW is small. The word 'crammed' shows the car is small. The word 'little' does it again; 'small car' says it one more time. *Smile*

I only list these things to make you aware of how many times in different ways you tend to say the same things. Cut the extra words.

It's coming along well. It's interesting and the hooks are good to keep the readers reading. Tightening is the big issue I found. You don't want readers to begin to skim over the extra info to get to the next scene. You want them to read every word, right? *Delight*

I choose the rate according to the amount of work left to do, as it is now; not on an assumption of how well written the finished product will be.

I hope the suggestions help you see this from the viewpoint of a reader.

It's worth all the time it takes to get it finished, it's good.




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Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello, kawheeta

I decided to read one of your items, and I settled on this one.

It's a good beginning, but I think it needs work. Since the contest is probably over, you may not want to revise but, I hope the suggestions are helpful in other pieces.

I knew what he was doing only by the description of the picture. On the second read I tried to put the picture from my mind since readers won't have that to refer to, and concentrate only on the words you used. Thus there was no setting, no suitcase, no walking along a road.

I see him sitting alone somewhere with his thoughts. He could be anywhere; his room, behind the barn, or on a stump out in the field. The words She'll be sorry. even gives a hint that he might be loading a gun. Without the picture, readers won't know. He's angry and mumbling about what he will do to make 'her' sorry. He's young and this is realistic of the young to sit and mumble, so that's not a problem. I'd like to know where he is, though, and what he's doing.

Was there a word limit for the contest? Now it can be expanded. *Smile*

The voice is realistic and consistent. It's an easy to read piece, but the lack of setting description and action gives it a bland feel. 'The picture' shows him walking down a road, etc., but the readers will only hear his thoughts. The only emotion is anger, but it's felt well. I can feel his heart breaking.

Details are needed to give him movement and a setting. This could be expanded easily; it'd make a great short story I think.

Good work!


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Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello, Shacknasty Jim

Welcome to Writing.Com!

I've had this on my list for several days, sorry it took so long to get to.

This is written in a matter-of-fact tone with little emotion. It sounds almost formal, but the incomplete sentences deny formality and speak casually, In other words, incomplete sentences work in conversation and informal writing, but jar in formal writing. They appear to be caused by daily jotting down the thoughts in a journal, so they worked all right. I suggest just making it clearer it is a journal, and not the narrator's thoughts.

The setting is seen pretty well in places, not so well in others.

squadrons of ruthless, stinging flies

For instance, this (whole paragraph) scene is good; the details and emotion brought it to life.

A few things I noticed.

Day one: Cloudless and warm all three days. I

This phrase is prematurely written on Day One. It doesn't say it's written afterwards so it appears off.

or shown on the tope sheet.
where the Skok cuts an impressive slot
Saw three beautiful displays of sulfur shelf on moldered logs. The bright orange was striking in the somber forest.

I'm not a hiker so am not familiar with the lingo, but I was unable to find definitions for these words in a dictionary.

I've only heard of 'yellow' sulfur in its natural state.

If you're positive of the spelling and definitions, and know your intended readers of hikers will know these, don't change them. I'm only alerting you 'just in case'. *Smile*

Started a bear who fled into the brush then made a series of huffing sounds

I think you meant --startled--? Only a typo?

Somebody, please, just shoot me. Reached camp by evening where I fell into the tent (fending off mosquitoes now) and stayed there til morning.

I laughed at this scene. Isn't Nature wonderfully refreshing? *Delight*

mediocre payoff for all the grueling work

I believe restating the payoff at this point will refresh the readers memory. I remembered two or three good views, and looked back to see what is said at those points. Is this the payoff?

half an hour soaking in the sights

Wherever emotion was used the piece came alive. Skeeters and flies for instance. What about when losing the trail? I saw anger, but more details would liven it up. Lazy hikers would love to experience all the joys, step by step, through the author.

Also, if you could, you might add a word or two on the unfamiliar words that might be unknown for the general reader. It would help them see what is being described.

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I enjoyed the read and the topic, you sound like you know what you're writing about. Good choice.


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Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hello, IGWOODS

I noticed your handle in one of the forums and realized I hadn't read any of your work yet. Welcome and I hope you're finding your way around the site and getting your questions answered. *Smile*

The title of this one caught my interest, and I wondered what you would do with it in the Horror Genre. I found out. LOL

I noticed a few things for your consideration. I hope they're helpful to you.

The snow became shallower until he reached the gumdrop walkway.

With this word, I expected something more to follow. How did the snow appear after reaching the walkway? I believe you meant --as--he --neared--the walkway. If not, more clarity will be needed.

gumdrop

This word is used four or five times within five lines, and that's too much repetition. Try to cut all but one. Using substitute words is usually recommended.

Rudolph watched in horror as Santa raised one finger and brought it closer to his nose in agonizing slow motion. Santa laid his pudgy finger on the right side of his bulbous nose and Rudolph blacked out.

Avoid repetition as much as possible to avoid wordiness. I suggest rewriting this line to tighten it. For example:

...raised a pudgy finger close to his face in agonizing slow motion. He laid it along the right side of his bulbous nose and Rudolph blacked out.

I didn't understand why this caused Rudolph horror. At first I thought the 'his' meant 'Rudolph's' nose, and the closeness scared him, but the next words show it meant Santa's nose. What was scary about the action? A few more details would show the why.

The emotional tone of the item remained angry and resentful, with rudeness thrown in from both characters. The reader doesn't have an opportunity to develop sympathy toward either one. They are both 'bad guys' with no redeeming qualities. I felt sad at the ending, but it all happened so quickly it was more shock than sympathy.

I felt like I'd read a subtle rant instead of a piece of fiction. I understood Rudolph's frustration, but feel if you could slip in something to show a good side of him, it would make a more emotionally horror-filled ending. This reader just didn't have time or reason to invest emotion in this character.

Twisted tales are popular so the theme is smart. I feel it needs more variety in the emotion; good and bad. It would make a more satisfying read. Did you want readers to sympathize with him?

There isn't much setting, but I could see and feel him walking through the snow and gumdrops. Good job, there. Your decriptions are good in describing Santa and his wife. Now, she, I had sympathy for. Good work!



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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Seana Munson

Welcome to Writing.Com!

A look at the pros and cons of this controversial medical procedure

I pasted the Brief Description so I would remember to look for both sides as I read. *Smile*

I found this to be an interesting article, I've heard nothing about this procedure. It's marvelous what the medical field can do now-a-days.

With a few inches of extra height, these pressures are relieved the real work of adulthood can begin.

A word and punctuation are missing in the bolded area.

Many patients who have successfully completed limb lengthening procedures have allowed their stories to be documented and published.

I believe if the readers could read what the patients said, it would be helpful. Such as, did their lives change as much as they'd hoped?

Opponents of the procedure have facts

This para doesn't really give reasons for protesting the procedure.

They would prefer to see little people embrace their identity and educate those around them.

I see this opinion given on almost everything and I see it as selfishness. Stay as you are, live as you were born to live, don't reach beyond your 'perceived' capibilities. Why not?

If the procedure is available, it should be left up to the individual to decide if it would be beneficial or not. (My Opinion) *Delight*

This is written quite well and it held my interest. I didn't learn a real reason why it was controversial though.

It is therefore not a “cure.” It can only help.
limb lengthening surgery only addresses an individual’s height.
Being of short stature shapes a person’s personality.
Certain behaviors that are rewarded when we are young become cumbersome and annoying later on, but they are deeply ingrained by the time adulthood sets in. The “outgoing” child becomes a “pushy” adult.

None of the Pros can be attributed only to a person's height, they apply to all surgerys and people.

Infections are always a possibility.
Eye surgery is not a cure, but is a help.
Heart surgery only addresses the heart.
behaviors are shaped by the family and contacts. All children must be taught.

What I'm saying is none of this is caused by lack of height, or prevented by being taller.

Short people have a hard time from society and I'm glad they now have a choice, but as you say, it's not a cure from rudeness, mean people or stupidity. Anything that helps self-esteem is a good thing.

It's an emotional write and I can tell you're siding with the surgery, and I agree - I would too. It would be mighty painful though, and I imagine arthritis would be especially painful in those areas later in life. The trade-off might not be worth it to me.

I enjoyed the read and would like to hear from a few of the participates in later years.

I found no technical issues to correct, good work.


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Review of Uncle Jim  
Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, Hubris

Welcome to Writing.Com!

You are a good writer. The descriptions bring life to the work and I can see and hear the strong emotion clearly. I found only a few things to point out.

My pajama bottoms where letting in the cold air.

Spelling is --were--

She said, quietly eyes still on the road.

The comma should be behind --quietly-- I have trouble with commas too. With the comma where it is, it reads --quietly eyes still on the road.--It doesn't make sense. There are a couple other places but I won't comment on them since, I'm not that sure. *Smile*

My Grandmother was a saint in every since of the word.

Spelling is --sense--

There is noone around, the sidewalks are deserted

Spelling is two words. --no one--

“How you guys doin?” he ask as smoke curls

--asks--

We’re on the road again, just like the song. That’s what I thought of
I was young, my feet still didn’t touch the floorboard of the car.
she illegally parks next to a fire hydrant

The child is obviously very young, but he seems to think as a much older child. I don't think I knew about the legalities of parking, etc. when I was that age. I just wanted to let you know my thoughts as I read, I was pulled out of the story a little.

There was nothing standing in the way of me and day spent playing outside.

A word is missing here.

gone!”She screams unworried defiant.

I suggest rewriting this phrase for a smoother read. The two words together don't work this way. Perhaps just using --defiantly-- would work, what do you think?

The emotion is strong and well described. The secrecy, suspicion, and the knowing of children are shown realistically. You managed to place the reader into the sidelines to watch and listen.

I could feel the cold and their excitement while sledding. I could feel their dread as they approached their door.

With only a couple of spelling issues, and one or two other things, this is very well written. I enjoyed the read.

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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello, Olivia Eve

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is good. I like the tone of the voice I hear. It's mystery is captivating. It needs some revising of course, but it's good writing.
I found a few things for you and will try to explain why I found them distracting.

With no white space between the paragraphs, I lost my place several times. It's not easy to keep my mind on the story when I have to search for the right line. Just go into edit and hit the enter key at the end of each paragraph - an easy fix.

It was a bleak night. The kind of night that wasn’t really night because the sky shone a pale purple velvet and no stars were visible

I suggest either cutting this bolded phrase or rewriting it. It doesn't explain or show the bleakness, and it has nothing to do with the theme of the story. It's bland and will cause wordiness if the habit is continued.

It was the kind of night that people wouldn’t call night because the term morning always had a sense of finality to it; party is over, go home.

I suggest rewriting for clarity, I don't understand what the night has to do with the 'term' of morning.

night This word is used six times in sucessive five lines right at the opening. It is very noticeable. Try not to repeat so close together and especially keep the opening tight, interesting, and flowing.

Lights flitted in and out of the dark street

A good clear image!

The shadow of a never-moving chair with a figure sitting as still as a statue crawled on the concrete floor

This is inconsistent. -crawling- shows movement.

The single light source was an uncovered light bulb hanging in the center of the room.

I could see the light source clearly before I was told. Most readers will know and see it. This line could be cut to avoid 'overtelling and wordiness' that only slows the read down.

A little girl with blonde curls with a red bow

This line reads and sounds awkward. It's partly because of the repeated word, but mostly because of the order used. Play with it and find a smoother way of saying it. --A little girl with a red bow in her blonde curls.--

“Why come here, my dear?” I asked quietly, bending on my knees to eye level with the child.

She looked me in the eyes. “I hate it.” she whispered,

Give each speaker their own line, separated by a space. Their dialogue is easier to hear and understand.

Where am I going?” She asked
“Something wonderful. Somewhere you can paint

This is probably a typo, but --Something-- should be --Somewhere-- to answer the question of --Where--

“You know that’s not my fault.” I said lightly,

This needs details if you decide to keep it in. What is not his fault?

padlocked with a large and rusty chain.
“Why come here, my dear?”
“You spent two years in this place when you were alive. I don’t see why you would come back.”

Detail this with better clarity. How long has she been dead? The house has been deserted for many years, why hasn't she 'passed over' before now? Was she two when she died, or is that only how long she lived in the house? It's a good theme, make it shine.

It was all in work of a simple night for Death.

I understand what this line means, but it's awkward. I suggest rewriting it. For instance:--It's all in a days work--it was all a simple nights work--

What is the significance of his red suit? It brought Santa Clause to my mind. Whever you bring in something to catch the readers attention, be sure to give a reason before the ending.

After finding what this character represented, I wondered about this line and why they would 'never' see him:
They didn’t see me, and they never would.

She was a child demon. A work of pure evil.

Detail this. I don't see an evil demon, I see an abused child. She is angry at whomever abused her. Her natural hate is shown several times, but no evil. Was she insane?

It seems the writer may have gotten off-track in developing the girl character; how do you want the readers to see her? I like her anger, it's a natural emotion if she was abused. The problem is was she, or was she the abuser?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with the theme, I enjoyed the read as a reader. My rate is only intended to show where it is now. Once the questions are answered and shown clearly, the potential is great. Good beginning!

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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, bdster

Welcome to Writing.Com!

I enjoy family history when it's written in such an engaging style. You've done a fine job with this. The topic caught my interest at once and only got better from there. It does need some work to be called finished, though.

I noticed a tendency to use extra words that block the flow and cause the reader to stop and read again. Only a couple, but they are noticeable.

"I cannot believe this, the pictures will blow you away,"

I didn't like the formal tone that sneaks in here. I suggest you try a contraction, --can't-- to loosen the speech, and maybe an exclamation point after --away--to help show the disbelief. The words show she was excited, but I don't feel the emotion of excitement.

"I cannot believe this, the pictures will blow you away," began Mom's e-mail, the e-mail that changed my memories of Grandpa.

This is a good opening line. It has action and the disbelief will urge the readers to read on to find what the pictures show. Good hooks.

And Grandpa's war buddies never knew he survived

Cut this word to avoid a bump in the flow. It isn't necessary for clarity.

The newspaper also followed the unit through the war,

This word could be cut safely to tighten the line.

in blood — and plenty of it was German" and "(Filthy Thirteen's) Whereabouts not known but pity the Nazis who meet them."

This line is convuluted and confusing to read. I know what it means, but it takes time to understand it.
What do the quotation marks mean? The parenthesis confuse the line. Rewrite for clarity. I suggest the period go after --Thirteen's.-- Add a word before --Whereabouts--to define who it is speaking about - clearly. This could be both or either side. I like the ending line.

"I was so surprised to get the call that Piccadilly Willy made it through the war," McNiece said in a May 2 telephone conversation.

This is an extra word that adds nothing to the clarity. I suggest cutting it.

memories — months as a prisoner of war, being spit on as a prisoner marched through French cities


The words --A Prisoner-- make it unclear who is being spoken about. Perhaps you don't need the second reference to 'prisoner'? --being spit on as 'he' marched through--would clear it up.

Piccadilly Willy lay dead for nearly 63 years.

Is it true that he was only sixteen when he was thought to have been killed? Mighty young to have such a well-rounded and experienced reputation. Double check the years to be sure. It sure pulled me out of the story with a serious 'oh, yeah?' *Delight*

Green recalled being moved frequently among prisoner camps and often paraded in front of occupied townspeople.

This word is in the wrong place. The towns would be 'occupied', not the people.

William Green,

This is confusing to me. I don't understand why he was thought to be Willy. Was it only the name? I wonder if this reference is needed at all in this piece?

You've got an interesting history to use in your writings. The reference to 'Dirty Dozen' is a good hook, and I'd like to know a little something about why they were called 'Filthy Thirteen'. Why were they compared? I bet you could find out more by researching. It would make a very interesting piece to the general readers.



A good beginning!

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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, tbarnes0320

Welcome to Writing.Com!

Woo, your imagination is working overtime! What a gory tale. *Smile*

I noticed you don't use periods to separate the thoughts and subjects. That makes the sentences too long. Be sure and study and learn your punctuation, it will help you write these fantastic horror stories.

This is a good beginning and the imagery is clear. Wow, what images I see!


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esprit

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Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello, ink_from_my_heart

Welcome to Writing.Com!

The emotion is good and strong. It would make good lyrics, which I think it might be. I noticed a line of repeat that would be done by a second voice, right?

As poetry, the rhythm isn't consistent, and the rhymes don't always rhyme smoothly - but, as lyrics it would work since the instrumentals provide the rhythm.

Your Brief Description.

You tell me what you think this poem's about. I believe it is pretty self explanitory.

--explanatory--

Your brief decription is what really caught my attention because they are important. Your choice won't serve you well in getting readers. Readers like to read the description before they open the item. I'm giving you this link to explain how you can include a good description if you're having trouble with it. "Invalid Entry" 

So sweet like sham pain, --

I assume you meant champagne?

I liked it.


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"Invalid Entry" 
"Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor


esprit

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Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello, robman

Welcome to Writing.Com!

The humor is noticeable but I think if the story was longer it would allow the comedy to come out stronger.

For instance, it's too easy for the wolf. Make him search for his victims, make him work. The story lies in the details. *Delight*

I was sat at home one day --sitting--

but they all ran inside there --their--

they were all there so I grabbed then and put them --them--

half of the football match stared. --started--

It's a pretty good first draft. I'd like to see the revision and see where you took it.

I kind of liked this idea, I haven't seen it before.

I do suggest you change the genre of 'children' to something else. Fiction, short story, etc. It isn't written for children, is it?

Keep on!



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esprit

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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Johnny Dingo

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is good, the imagery is clear and the scene is observed from the narrators eyes. Well done!

I like the voice used, it is spoken in a quiet, soothing tone that allows the readers to hear it. It reminds me now, as I'm writing this, of listening to a radio story.

The only thing I felt might be out of place is a few commas. Read this aloud and be sure to only place a comma where there should be a natural pause in the speech. Reading aloud helps. *Smile*

You've captured the emotion of the two and shown it to your readers. Good work!

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"Invalid Entry" 
"Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor


esprit

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