Hello, Christopher Stephen
Welcome to Writing.Com!
My, what an imagination for horror you have! This is pretty good. I hope this feedback is useful in some way. I enjoyed the story, it's a wonderful theme. Here are some things I noticed as I read.
than 30 miles an hour he skidded and slide to a stop about a hundred feet passed the broken --Typo of --slid--
woman's gorgeous ass was sticking out of the driver's side door. She was wearing tight black pants, and either a thong or nothing at all underneath. There was a tattoo on her lower back, maybe a butterfly, but Richard couldn't tell for sure.
I wondered how he was able to see this much since it was so dark and raining. No moonlight nor car lights. Credibility issue.
Blood splattered onto her otherwise pretty face.
I suggest cutting the bolded word. It isn't needed and her face is still pretty.
only about ten or twelve miles up the road. Plus you need to get out of the rain young lady, you'll catch your death."
he would be far ahead of where he was now. Plus it would be more familiar and less dangerous.
When Alex said this line, it reminded me of Richard. I wouldn't give both characters the same speech patterns, readers will notice. Make their voices unique.
The cop finally opened his driver's side door and stepped out. He slowly walked up to
The bolded phrase could be cut to help avoid wordiness. Readers will know which door he stepped out of and don't like to be 'told' the obvious.
"You get to that cabin and wait this storm out, hopefully the bridge will be operational tomorrow.
This is a believability issue. We were told the bridge is gone.
"Well, the old wooden bridge about a mile up ahead is washed out. River's running right over it, the water is so high.
It isn't reasonable to expect it to be repaired so quickly.
There might even be something to eat in the fridge if your hungry."
Spelling is --you're--for --you are--
Slowly, Heather slide the zipper back and pulled the bag wide open.
--slid--
Heather fished around through the grotesque mess inside her duffle bag and pulled out a
I suggest cutting these extra 'telling' words because readers have seen her open the bag and know where she is.
Alex stepped back into his bedroom and hide behind the open door.
A typo of --hid--
There was a black Lincoln Navigator in the dirt driveway. Richard Hughs' black Lincoln
The driveway has already been described as being dirt, so this is an extra word that causes a bump. Did she know for sure it was the same car, or is she assuming? Or are these thoughts from the narrator and not the character?
Jim Hargrove moved closer to Heather as she struggled to get free from
Using both names is wordy and unnecessary. Readers will know him by either name. This causes an annoying bump and pulls this reader out of the story.
feel lifelessly to the floor. The wolf ignored it, sitting on it's haunches A typo of --fell--
Hargrove then knelt down next to Heather and
Wordy and not needed. Read it aloud and see that it says the same thing without the bolded word.
When he was finished he tossed the leg over to Alex in the corner, who promptly picked it up and bite into it.
Cutting the bolded phrase will help tighten and avoid wordiness. Readers know where he is.
A typo of --bit--
He looked up half chewing and half smiling a bloody smile.
I suggest cutting the bolded words as they cause an awkward image. I believe readers will know he is doing both at the same time by the descriptions. They are clear.
and she couldn't even make a sound as the wolf ripped
I won't suggest cutting this word, but I do suggest you read it aloud without it and make up your own mind. These connector words lead to a wordy write when used too frequently.
Is this the first draft? I ask because the characters aren't filled in too much yet. That is probably intended to be your next step. The more the readers know about Heather, the more they will care what happens to her. Who was she and why did she do what she did? I know something about why Alex is the way he is, but Jim? What do the wolves have to with them?
The action is good at the end, but it happened too quickly. There is no fear from Heather, no inner thoughts. Again, why is she like this? Why did she carry the body around? What is her story? I suppose Heather got what she deserved but the men didn't change at all.
As I'm thinking of it now, I wonder why Jim and Alex had to pretend they didn't know each other, and blame the bridge, and so on. She wasn't able to leave at that point, so... ?
Details are needed. The characters need to be developed to make them real and with some reasons for their actions. Again, Alex shows his reason well. The wolves could be explained a bit, and the readers can assume the rest. Work the answers in with details and the story will hold more tension, I think. The gory details of the murders are very good and shocking.
You're doing good and this is an excellent draft; but remember, it's a draft, not a finished story.
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