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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, MoonWolf

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is a good story. It's creative and it held my attention well. The characters and the setting are seen clearly. You write pretty good descriptions. I found a few things for you, but they didn't intefere with the enjoyment of the read.

Bill, and Anna took a short brake to get their bearings.
--break--


Anna looked into the fire. She felt better that she was warm

Adding the word --now--would smooth the line out. --felt better now that--


She was really enjoying, being with Hazel, and wondered how living in the forest,must be.

Commas are 'take a breath' signals. Read this line and pause at each comma and see how it sounds to you. It's stop and go and shouldn't be. It should be read straight through with no commas. You will want a punctuation edit before finalizing this piece.


Hazel then reached into her waste pouch and tossed some dust into the fire,

--waist--

Good description here, the imagery is strong.


"It's a miracle your safe." Bill said.
--you're--for --you are safe--

I like Hazel, though she is a mystery.


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It's a good story with a good moral. I'm glad it ended happy. *Smile*
Well done!


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Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello, Luneth

Welcome to Writing.Com!

You've written an original here, that's for sure. Good job! *Smile*

Pamela van Deffen hatches a plan to turn her rambunctious stepsons into stepdaughters!

This Brief Description is a very sharp hook, it pulled me in with curiosity.


"I love them as my own, but their just so... wild! If only dear look had had daughters instead of sons

--they're--for 'they are' --the second bolded phrase is a mystery to me. Perhaps you meant --Luke--?


“You’re turn!” and scampered off into his bedroom. --your--

Was that really James who just ran by? But James hated pink!

A great line! It's funny to focus only on the color at this point.


Her announcement was greeted by the sound of the television being witched off and feet scampering up the stairs.

Is this the right word?


Instead, he slimpy pulled the smooth babydoll over his head and slowly drifted off to sleep. --simply--

That night, the brother’s got ready for pet as usual. Joe stripped down to his --bed--?

He couldn’t ‘til school started to show everyone his cool new boobs!

A word is missing between these two bolded ones.


James and Joe, or rather, Jamie and Julene,

Did you consider the name --Jolene--to keep consistency?


You're doing a good job with this story.

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303
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Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Hello, Gabriel

Welcome to Writing.Com!

You have talent, this is good.

Jonas said nothing as he stood and dropped his plate in the sink.
What?” The son responded coolly.
Lawrence sighed and rubbed the back of his neck


This is good. I can see at once that Jonas doesn't like Meagan, and there is tension that disturbs Lawrence. He loves his son.


Lawrence was bust watching her eat, the way sauce would dribble on her

A typo of something, perhaps --busy--?


Parkers field cemetery for an hour before she drove off in that rusticated truck with everything she belonged in it.

Shouldn't this be --owned--?


Normally he wouldn’t take Kayla’s word worth a grain of salt, but when she mentioned

This needs rewording to be understood. I know what is meant, but it isn't saying it. The common phrase is --he would take Kayla's word with a grain of salt.--meaning he wouldn't automatically believe anything she said.


horror special oh so smooth, Kayla burst in screaming 'Jonas, there’s a spider your arm!'

A missing word after --spider--on-your arm--


But these present tears tasted much bitter; either that or

--more--bitter.--?


And now, here he was, sitting against Ray Morgan’s cold tombstone in the dark, the only light source coming from the luminescent cell phone screen ==

Eventide, they made their way back to her house. She brought out cookies and ice cream,

The timeline is inconsistent. It can be fixed by cutting the word --eventide--. Eventide comes before the dark.


I enjoyed the read, the emotion is good. Good work! I rated as a good story with work needed.



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Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello, Robin S.

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is interesting and I think it has a good theme. It's different and that's always a good thing. It shows your creativity. The only issue I have with it is it's beginning in the middle of the story. This is not the first chapter, is it?

The info in the first paragraph has the details left out. Who were they visiting at the hospital? Is Red Fredrick? Why did the main character think he was dead? All of these questions would be in earlier chapters.

I like the attitude of the character. She's strong and independent, and doesn't like snobs. *Smile* For Mother to be a real snob though, she needs to be developed more. At this point, she is a concerned mother, although she's cold towards her son. Unforgiving. But, I don't see snobbery. It would be natural for her to think the main character was the cause of the illness. So, more detail to fill in the missing story is needed.

As an outline of your thoughts for a story, it shows imagination and creativity. I think the story would be intense and dramatic. I hope to see the finshed product.

Keep writing, it's good practice!

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305
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Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello, zephyr

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is a good beginning, and the scenes are well described and full of action. I didn't list all the spelling issues because you will find them with a spell check. I think there are only one or two more of this same type, switching the --d-- for the --t--

"We-we-we..." She studdered --Spelling is --stuttered--

additude. "I missed you." --Spelling is --attitude--

"Allie, I think we should hear your story first." Brittany asserted folding her arms.

This confused me. I thought Allie was the only one who had a story, who could explain.


the sequel

"OK. Well after I ran up to Sam's room, and was attacked by Jake,


It's difficult to review a sequel without reading the original story. The readers don't know what happened before, so don't know if this is consistent or not. This appears to try to include all the backstory along with the sequel, and it's not an easy thing to do with clarity.


They got me washed up and let me stay there for a few days. I eventually ran away from them and found a way here."

I wondered why she had to 'run away' if they were nice to her.


including me, Ariel, Brittany, Emily and many others.

Are there two Brittany's?


Sam's eyes widened and he rushed up the stairs, not hearing the screams from the me in the background. The werewolf turned back to the me, held up his head and howled.

What is meant by --the me--?


Where seconds ago stood I, a grey, hairy beast now stood, looking deadly.

Is this the same as --I stood-- or is --I--a name for someone else? Structure is confusing.

The story is full of excitement and tension, and it held my attention well. I just didn't understand the characters or the plot fully because the main story isn't posted.


Is this a case of writing the ending first? *Smile* You're a good writer, keep practicing.


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Review of Intimacy  
Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello again,

Welcome to Writing.Com!

Your talent shows through the variety of your writing. This piece too is strong with vivid imagery and strong emotion. I feel pity and sorrow for the narrator, and I understand How can you look into the eyes of someone who shredded your heart to pieces, and not instantly forgive him?

Good writing!




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Review of Three  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi again, La Dolly Vita

I think I'm going to give your port a raid and read them all.

This is good,; the emotion is real, isn't it? I think I can feel sadness with outgrowing dependence and honestly, the topic is rare. I don't think the feeling is rare though, it just isn't admitted to. I liked this a lot. The imagery and emotion brings life to the scooter crossing the (kitchen) floor.

I noticed one typo only,
chalked up too how high the top of your head

Print it out on pretty paper and frame it! It's beautiful.
Well done!



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Review of Journal  
Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello, La Dolly Vita

Hi, I came by the other day and read your ghost of Eileen piece, but didn't take time to rate your journal. Actually I wanted to wait for one more entry, so I put it in my favorites and waited. *Delight* Are these entries now reversed or am I standing on my head?

I see talent in your writing, you're good. In both of these pieces, you start out with lines that grab the readers by the neck and make them read. Good work!

1. Rant?

This one makes me laugh because I've ran into the same thing and felt just like you do. lol Funny.

But, the Eileen piece is full of that dry humor that I love. Beautiful writing! You kept me laughing and today I am reminded again how good you are with subtle comedy. Submit something to the Comedy newsletter, they just might feature it. *Smile*

I can see this. BOTH of them will try to steal my shoes...and my haircare products.


I think I missed welcoming you when you joined the site, so welcome! I look forward to reading your work.


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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, Ray Roberts

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is very formal writing, isn't it? I have to assume it's done for an assignment as your Brief Description states.

I know writing is more formal in class, but this is really difficult for me to keep my mind on. I'm not a part of your audience, so don't stress that I can't concentrate. I only wanted to let you know, in case it is for general readers.

I found a couple of spelling typos for you.

properties or relations to types based on tokens (i.e., on one or a small number of observations or
Reasoning to Learn 4
experience


The word --experience is under the Reasoning to Learn line, and I believe it should go after --or--. If it is intentional, it causes the reader a distraction.


practices used student self-assessments and peer assessments which complimented formative

--complemented


assessments (testing at regular intervals) lead to enhanced performance across the board (Sparks, 1999). This approach was

From the context this line is referring to, it seems --led--would be the correct choice.


Dr. Stiggins believes
Dr. Stiggins states


This name was referred to all the way through. I wondered what the author thought about about the subject.

This reads as a text book would read, and they are well known for their verbiage. If students are the intended audience, I would suggest loosening it up a little so it will keep their attention. You might also include more of your own ideas, agreeing or disagreeing with the experts cited. After all, they can get Dr. Stiggins book and read it for themselves; they would be interested in what you thought.


I wish you luck in the assignment, though it is most likely long past. *Smile*

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Review of Carnival Games  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Chris Legg

Welcome to Writing.Com!

I like these ideas of yours, they all sound like fun. Some of the simpler ones, such as balloon fishing, would be terrific for both young and old players. Others are complicated enough to satisfy even the best gamers. You've explained the rules clearly and I think the page is presented well. It serves its purpose of describing your games.

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Well done!


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Review of Noir short film  
Review by esprit
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello, dvance

Welcome to Writing.Com!

I've never reviewed a film, so I'm not going to attempt to now. I wouldn't know the kind of feedback you need. The scene is seen clearly, the characters and the setting.

I wondered why Joseph told the woman, but I suppose to show why he's number two instead of the boss. *Smile*

Mixing the dialogue with stage directions was a little confusing to me, but probably wouldn't be to an experienced film reader. I also couldn't tell when Joesph was thinking or speaking aloud.

I think you've shown the scene well. Is this completed? No story included?


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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, DC

Welcome to Writing.Com!

You've written an interesting essay, and I enjoyed reading it. You may have repeated the same info too much though. I do understand you were showing how women were treated in all the different ways, but it comes across as repeating.

in William Shakespeare's A Midsummer Nights Dream.

I don't think it's necessary to repeat this line so often, do you? Consider it and you decide.


I didn't notice any typos or other issues to get in the way of the read, and all in all, it's good.


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Review of My Fall  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, salehn

Welcome to Writing.Com!

Oh, the emotion in this is strong! It's heard and felt. I feel a desperation and despair, but with hope. Good job!

I only found a few things, and they're easy to fix.

Made me rose again. I rose but then again,

This is --rise--


I will never out from here

There is a word missing here. never--get--out--?


Today made I fell deeper

If you took this word out, it would read smoother.


The one will shows itself soon,

--show--


The content of the poem is sad, the imagery is seen clearly. You've written a good poem, I liked it.

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Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, Denim

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is a good beginning. The first lines caught my attention and it was held by the realistic scene. You're doing good.

I have only a couple of suggestions for you to think about.

“Did you say something just then?” he finally replied to Rick after far too long of a pause.

Rick expressed a bold sigh.


This is good! Simple and clear, the voice is heard and the characters are both introduced. I get a sense of both of them.


he asked with a slightly aggrivated tone.
Spelling typo. --aggravated--


You’re 26,retorted the restless psychiatrist, hesitating due to being astonished by such an absurd hypothesis,

You can either leave it or give it an easy fix. Retorted means answering quickly,To return like for like; retaliate in a quick, caustic, or witty manner,--to hesitate is the opposite, so the intention is a bit blurred for me. It can be fixed by cutting everything except the blue line. You'd also be tightening by ridding it of extra words. An exclamation point after 26! would help show his astonishment.

This might be nit-picky of me, but I noticed, so others may too.


Harry slowly got up and put his jacket slowly over his shoulders

These repeats bump the line too much, I think, and are noticeable. Try to cut one which is all that is needed to show his mood. It's a good image!

This character feels older than 26 to me, I was surprised. I don't know why though. *Smile* I like his moodiness, it feels realistic.


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I hope the feedback helps you see this from another viewpoint, it's made me curious to find out what his story is. Good work!


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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Matthew Platts

Welcome to Writing.Com!

I found this piece on the newbie list and decided to read it. It's interesting, it really is. It was different than I expected, as I expected a story, but this is pretty good. It a monologue I think.

AS I read, I had some questions to ask, but by the end I saw the intentions of the write, so I won't ask them. They don't apply here.

The message is understandable, but it took the reading of the whole piece to fully understand. I kept waiting for something to happen, some change to take place. Much is repetition and may be repeated too often to hold the attention of a reader. It could benefit by trimming, I think. There is definitely an audience for this style of narration, and I think you've done a good job with it.

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I noticed no typos or other issues to get in the way. I can hear the care you've taken with choosing the words, the lines read well.

I didn't see the character, but I could feel his grief. I belive it does what you intended it to do; show another side of the devil. *Smile*



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Review of The Golden Years  
Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello, Stosha

I found your request for serious feedback on "Please Review

Good writing! My sympathy was given to the character completely, and the end fits and was expected. The emotion I felt was depression, and it was realistic. Believable.

I took some notes as I read and I hope the feedback is helpful.

Pale, fragile, crippled. Just how she felt inside. She didn't look too good herself either, and she knew it.

This is good, but I believe it needs to say more, be more emotional. It too fast and vague for the reader to grasp the full meaning. Perhaps a single descriptive word, to show her intense hurt would be enough. You could look in a theasaurus under 'depressed' maybe. Keep the readers on this phrase just a second more.


Jean noticed it too when she had sat faithfully by his bedside in

I suggest cutting this word since this is the third or fourth in this para. It isn't needed here. --she sat faithfully- says it well. You might do a 'find search' and look for others while you're at it. Some you'll want to keep of course.


She had tried to chock back the tears and accept the confession.

--choke--


Sure, the girl in her was crushed. That wide eyed seventeen year old wished she had never asked Tom Miller to the Sadie Hawkins dance. But hadn't they had a good life? This she was sure of. Then he told her that he never really loved her.
Jean reached into the pocket of her long floral robe


They were unrelenting. The pressured her and hit all her weak spots, which they had --Typo of --They--

Jean spooned two plastic single cups of pudding into a bowl.

The transition of time is too sudden and it takes a moment for the reader to become oriented again. If spaces were used to separate the flashback from the present, and readers were made aware of the differences, it would work better.


She used the fireplace for the first time in ages. She sat in his worn out easy chair

It appears she goes directly to the fireplace after spooning the pudding.


wrote them each a letter...
and dropped them off at the post office. Along with the pictures and the letters she sent each grandchild a check for...
She gave away their best china too...


Make the backflashes clear that they are memories, and not present time. I could see her doing this all in the same day. If the readers know when she did this, it would help. For instance, yesterday-- last week (the dishes), and so on.


into the bowl of pudding and began to stir.

This is the alert that the previous was memory, but it's distracting - not smooth.


No matter how much she prayed she knew she couldn't go back and she couldn't move forward. She was trapped in the lie that took a lifetime to create;
She stared at the pudding on the counter, ready to be eaten.


Good lines. The reader feels she's tried very hard and is at the end of her rope. The ending is sad and hopeless. This is not a story to read if you want your spirits lifted. *Smile*

It's good; the main issue is the transitions in time. Smooth those out and it will be very good.




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Review of Wolves Among Us  
Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Hello, Christopher Stephen

Welcome to Writing.Com!

My, what an imagination for horror you have! This is pretty good. I hope this feedback is useful in some way. I enjoyed the story, it's a wonderful theme. Here are some things I noticed as I read.

than 30 miles an hour he skidded and slide to a stop about a hundred feet passed the broken --Typo of --slid--

woman's gorgeous ass was sticking out of the driver's side door. She was wearing tight black pants, and either a thong or nothing at all underneath. There was a tattoo on her lower back, maybe a butterfly, but Richard couldn't tell for sure.

I wondered how he was able to see this much since it was so dark and raining. No moonlight nor car lights. Credibility issue.


Blood splattered onto her otherwise pretty face.

I suggest cutting the bolded word. It isn't needed and her face is still pretty.


only about ten or twelve miles up the road. Plus you need to get out of the rain young lady, you'll catch your death."
he would be far ahead of where he was now. Plus it would be more familiar and less dangerous.

When Alex said this line, it reminded me of Richard. I wouldn't give both characters the same speech patterns, readers will notice. Make their voices unique.


The cop finally opened his driver's side door and stepped out. He slowly walked up to

The bolded phrase could be cut to help avoid wordiness. Readers will know which door he stepped out of and don't like to be 'told' the obvious. *Smile*


"You get to that cabin and wait this storm out, hopefully the bridge will be operational tomorrow.

This is a believability issue. We were told the bridge is gone.

"Well, the old wooden bridge about a mile up ahead is washed out. River's running right over it, the water is so high.

It isn't reasonable to expect it to be repaired so quickly.


There might even be something to eat in the fridge if your hungry."

Spelling is --you're--for --you are--


Slowly, Heather slide the zipper back and pulled the bag wide open.

--slid--


Heather fished around through the grotesque mess inside her duffle bag and pulled out a

I suggest cutting these extra 'telling' words because readers have seen her open the bag and know where she is.


Alex stepped back into his bedroom and hide behind the open door.

A typo of --hid--


There was a black Lincoln Navigator in the dirt driveway. Richard Hughs' black Lincoln

The driveway has already been described as being dirt, so this is an extra word that causes a bump. Did she know for sure it was the same car, or is she assuming? Or are these thoughts from the narrator and not the character?


Jim Hargrove moved closer to Heather as she struggled to get free from

Using both names is wordy and unnecessary. Readers will know him by either name. This causes an annoying bump and pulls this reader out of the story.


feel lifelessly to the floor. The wolf ignored it, sitting on it's haunches A typo of --fell--

Hargrove then knelt down next to Heather and

Wordy and not needed. Read it aloud and see that it says the same thing without the bolded word.


When he was finished he tossed the leg over to Alex in the corner, who promptly picked it up and bite into it.

Cutting the bolded phrase will help tighten and avoid wordiness. Readers know where he is.

A typo of --bit--


He looked up half chewing and half smiling a bloody smile.

I suggest cutting the bolded words as they cause an awkward image. I believe readers will know he is doing both at the same time by the descriptions. They are clear.


and she couldn't even make a sound as the wolf ripped

I won't suggest cutting this word, but I do suggest you read it aloud without it and make up your own mind. These connector words lead to a wordy write when used too frequently.

Is this the first draft? I ask because the characters aren't filled in too much yet. That is probably intended to be your next step. The more the readers know about Heather, the more they will care what happens to her. Who was she and why did she do what she did? I know something about why Alex is the way he is, but Jim? What do the wolves have to with them?

The action is good at the end, but it happened too quickly. There is no fear from Heather, no inner thoughts. Again, why is she like this? Why did she carry the body around? What is her story? I suppose Heather got what she deserved but the men didn't change at all.

As I'm thinking of it now, I wonder why Jim and Alex had to pretend they didn't know each other, and blame the bridge, and so on. She wasn't able to leave at that point, so... ?

Details are needed. The characters need to be developed to make them real and with some reasons for their actions. Again, Alex shows his reason well. The wolves could be explained a bit, and the readers can assume the rest. Work the answers in with details and the story will hold more tension, I think. The gory details of the murders are very good and shocking.


You're doing good and this is an excellent draft; but remember, it's a draft, not a finished story.


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Review of Are you ever?  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Michelle

You know, you needn't change your poetry because a reviewer suggests changes unless you agree and want to make those changes. You should like your work, that's first priority. You've made the changes and I'm raising the rate, but always, please yourself first. Readers can feel the pleasure or non-pleasure of the author through the words. When you like it, you leave an essence of your spirit that readers can feel. It makes your poetry yours, and not the reviewers.

Does the falling
wash away


The --rain--is missing.

This is good, but I can feel a difference in the essence. You don't like it as well as before, do you? It's okay to change it back. It's your work. *Smile*


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Review of Yesterday  
Review by esprit
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello, Dave

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is a well written exercise. The images came through clearly, and the emotion. Since this is an exercise, I won't point out a couple of typos, they don't interfere with the scene.

I didn't see any contrast in the personality of the character, his dress and hair were slightly different, but I believe he is still the same. I wonder if we do change during these years?

It would be a good one to expand, because I think he's interesting. He seems satisfied though, so I don't know what kind of problem you could give him. *Delight*



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Review of Are you ever?  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello, Michelle

Welcome to Writing.Com!

I like the images these words bring to mind. It's a happy tone, with hope shown with the last line. There are issues with the tense of some of the words though, and they cause the lines to read awkwardly. Be sure to read the lines outloud so you'll hear them accurately. Often we know what we intended to say, so don't notice we didn't actually say it. Read slowly, word for word.


drying up your tears --dry--

Does the moon beam
guiding you
radiating your skin --I wonder if --illuminate--would come closer to saying what you intend?

Does the stars twinkle --Do--

forming diamonds in your eyes --form--

Does the wind blow
cooling you


This line is awkward in a couple of places. Play with it until you find workable words. Perhaps, --Does the blowing wind cool you--


sweeping the hair off your eyes --sweep--
Does the rain fall

I'm not sure which you intended. --rainfall-- or falling rain--


washing away --wash--

The basic piece is good, with wonderful imagery. The fixes are easy.


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Review of Untitled  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello, Anguished Dreamer

Welcome to Writing.Com!

I believe this is the outline of what will become a very emotional story. You've shown in this summary the five 'W's'. Who, why, when, where, and what. I felt it will be full of tension and probably not much happiness, though I always hope for a happy ending. *Delight*

A girl found her life completely changing when she fell in love with her teacher

This is the Brief Description. --the bolded word should be --changed- to fit the tense of the context, which is past tense. This is the only typo or suggestion I will make because the story is yet to be detailed. There is little use of fixing something that may be cut or changed. Outlines are for your eyes, to keep you on track, so for that reason, corrections are usually not done.


She now sits on the floor, a bloody mess collecting those jagged shards, sobbing and calling him again and again and again....

This is a strong image and the details needed to draw the reader along to become involved will need to be just as strong. If this is the way it will be ended, it's going to be a dramantic heartbreaking romance; just the type a lot of readers enjoy.

Write the complete story while it's fresh in your mind, then put it up for reviews before revising. I believe you'll be pleased with the finished product.


The topic is realistic in today's world, we see more of this than we used to.

Good job!




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Review of Sacrifices  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, Sinem Eda

Welcome to Writing.Com!

I like the message and I think many will be able to relate to make the poem personal to them.

being a women is hardly easy

This typo is in the Brief Description. --woman--is one woman, which is what you intended, I think.

Did you intend to have no rhyme in the last verse? As I read it, I kind of bumped when it didn't match the first two.

The rhythm is good and it reads easy. Another thing I noticed is the lack of emotion. That may have been intended, to show her feelings of not being able to show her feelings. I thought it rather sad to be so repressed, but it is realistic.

As a reader I liked it, but without emotion, it's pretty quiet. It didn't make me cry or feel pity.


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Review of U.F.O.  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello, Steven

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is a good beginning. The theme of first contact is fascinating in today's world, where it could become reality.

I think it carries too much information for the length of the story, though. I will try to explain why it slows the action down too much.

“Jane!” yelled Bill Harman, the Communications and Electronics Officer,
replied Jane Searle. This was Earth’s first manned expedition, and she was both Pilot and Commander.

cried Bill’s twin, Ted, the ship’s Engineering Officer.

There are too many characters and jobs introduced too quickly. When their title's are added like this, it buries the main point of the sentence, and the reader is required to reread. I don't think all of them need to be identified by their titles. Even their last names slow the read.


Bill and Ted shared an on-duty crew module on the starboard side. The crew consisted of married couples, who had quarters in the rotating part of the ship for the duration of the eleven month voyage. Away from their duty stations they all shared the largest rotating module, a common recreation area that included their separate quarters and a joint mess.

It didn’t leave Ted and Bill enough time to do anything but die.

This is a stark, powerful line. Good.

But, it left me with a question of why did they die and not the others? I read on for a while and finally read back to see where they were located on the ship and found the answer. All of the extra info between slowed it down and caused me to lose track. I suggest cutting and trimming to keep the story moving.


“Kwame, get your suit on and when the others are through the aft module use it like an airlock
“Jim, Amanda! Get to the Port module and take Prisca and Su-Lin back to quarters! Stay with them! Look after them!”


Is it credible that she would order four of the six crew members off duty during this emergency? Wouldn't the wives be trained and professional and be expected to continue doing their jobs for the good of everyone?


Get me a report on it and seal Ted and Bill’s

Again, if the ship is going down, (possible and probable) would this be first priority? I think readers will want to feel their tension and fear.


“Honey, I know this is going to be tough, but I need Prisca and Su-Lin back on duty.
the moment Jane is really busy bringing the ship in. Can we leave our grief for later and deal


The whole conversation doesn't fit the situation. They're speaking too long and doing nothing to save themselves. They're calm. I looked for fast, clipped lines that felt urgent. I suggest cutting most of the aside conversation and keeping it relevant to the theme. Less 'darlings' too, I think. One will work as their way of saying good-by.


Bill and Ted shared an on-duty crew module on the starboard side.
==perforated the ship’s Starboard module.



This is where I found my answer above, of why they were killed.


Bill and Ted shared an on-duty crew module on the starboard side. The crew consisted of married couples, who had quarters in the rotating part of the ship

The extra info between the two is why it didn't stay in my mind. Readers might not need to know everything about the crew's quarters. The story is too short for all that; though a chapter devoted to a few characters at a time would be great. It would allow the readers to get to know them so they can feel sympathy for Bill and Ted, and care/worry about the others. At the end they are still just names and the only one I can place a title to is Jane, the commander. So, for me there are a lot of wasted words.

I suggest cutting to make the story concentrate tightly on the emergency and the contact. Add appropiate emotional details on these two elements to highten the tension. I like the imagination, it shows me you know something about space ships and have studied them. As a first draft, you've done well in outlining the complete story. Now it's time to revise it and make it come alive.


Again, it's a good beginning! I like the idea very much. The rate is for an unfinished draft.

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Review of Fuzzy Legs  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, RoughitforGreen247

I found your request for serious feedback on "Please Review

I like the theme, and the situation was good humor. It reads easy, and has excellent imagery. It moves along fast. I was left with a couple of questions only.

Roger stood awhile and considered his predicament

He is standing on the floor.


by attempting to climb up one of the legs of his bed.

Roger backed up against his wall, not daring to step down from his bed.

He was standing on the floor when the 'spider' began climbing up the bed. Why and when did Roger get back onto the bed?


were two unmistakable piles of soot.
---an unusually shaped handgun---


What was shot from the unusal handguns? Was it soot, or are the soot piles the remains of the slippers?

Not knowing exactly what happened to the slippers kind of took the 'funny' away and left it feeling unfinished, as if the last page was torn out. Otherwise, it was a good story and I enjoyed it. Again, the imagery brought it to life.


This is a great contest, and congratulations for being chosen a winner! It's a good choice.

Well done!



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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, 140121

I found your request for serious feedback on "Please Review

This is written well, and the imagery is clear. The message is clear.

of my prison with a small smile playing across her lips. I
A small smile plays across my lips revealing the tips of my elongated canines.

Repeating phrases exactly is noticeable and the reader is apt to lose his train of involvement in the story.


She had only come back once since the funeral, to pick up her grandmother's jewelry
The house had sat vacant for fifteen years;


It's been ten years since she'd been at the house,


and dove into the box at her feet looking for the can of WD-40.

How did she know the can would be there? Why was it still spayable after all that time? For me, this is a credibility issue.


Susan approached the single occupant of the attic

This is distracting since 'occupant' refers to a person.


Although whatever it was, was covered completely by the white sheet Susan believed it was a mirror

I found the piece quite wordy; this line is an example. If you decide to expand on the story, I suggest cutting and trimming to tighten it up and bring the tension out stronger.

It may be because the conclusion came so fast, but I didn't feel emotion. Perhaps slowing it down would help. She wasn't allowed to realize what was happening, so the readers weren't allowed to feel fear or even nervousness. That keeps the readers from caring what happens to her.

If you expand, I suggest cutting the ending and have it play with her fears for a time. Build up the tension gradually to a breaking point, if possible. Cut the unnecessary info and move right into the plot.

As a scene, I can see it well. I wondered if describing her physically is necessary, because it didn't help me see her. Using her personality instead, would make her more real. I don't remember what color her eyes are, but I do remember she was anxious to look into the attic because of a child's curiosity. (from childhood)


I hope the feedback helps to polish this.


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