Hello, Kazwriter
I found your request for serious feedback on "Please Review" 
I am not sure where the plot is going, but it seems to flow. Need critique on style, plot, characters, anything really!
You've got a good beginning. The plot is introduced clearly as far as it will involve cults, and that's a good hook. I've found a few things and have a few thoughts to share; I hope they help.
Graveyard Girl (unfinished) Intro Rated:
Non-E
A quiet suburb is disturbed by some bizarre happenings.Will Detective M solve the mystery?
With a Non-E intro, not everyone will find this. Since there are no Non-E words in the title or brief description you can safely change it to E if you wanted to.
It was a foggy, cold night. There was a full moon this night, but hardly visible through all the thick fog.
The first line is a cliche and it will turn off many readers, honestly.
The famous line "It was a dark and stormy night." immediately crossed my mind, as it will other readers.
These two lines don't help open the story in my opinion, as the only event we see had no effect from the fog, cold, or moon. At this point, they are just filler words. They could be cutleaving the next line as the opener.
In the small, quiet little city of Kensington lay a cemetery
Be aware of repeating and try to avoid it. It leads to wordiness and will slow the read and reduce the tension.
their branches casting crooked finger-like shadows across the ground.
There was a full moon this night, but hardly visible through all the thick fog.
The bolded line says there can't possibly be shadows.
It was not teaming with life, as most ponds are
Spelling is ---teeming---
It almost looked quaint, and one would be forgiven for thinking the people of this town were peaceful, simple folk.
This is a good hook. It alerts the readers there is something unusal about the town and its people, and urges them to read on. Good!
At the edge of the pond, nestled in amongst a few Willows, a small, stone footbridge.
A word is missing. I'm sure you will find these during revision. I was thinking of --stood--a small...
She seemed terrified.
This made me wonder who was watching her. I believe if you cut the bolded word and changed it to --was--, it would avoid a bit of distraction. She either is or isn't and to 'seem' something means someone else is making that judgment. She's alone.
No warmth that would suggest life. Her skin was pale…almost translucent. Her black vacant eyes stared straight out in front of her, tears slowly trailing down her expressionless, lifeless cheeks.
This is good description and she can be seen clearly. The only thing that caused a bump in the image is the tears. Tears are a sign of life, so she doesn't appear 'lifeless' to me.
Headed down the stairs and just rounding the corner, slammed into someone who was sprinting up the stairs.
I opened the front door and had some trouble keeping Bingo, my Burmese inside, while I grabbed the morning paper off the steps, cell phone and brief case in hand. I managed to get Bingo and and fumbled with the lock.
I had a problem seeing this scene. The first line shows an apartment while the second shows me a house. (steps, newspaper, lock, cat) Would 'his' paper be outside? Would he leave his cat upstairs in his apartment, or down in the lobby? Were the steps outside the building or outside his door? {which doesn't sound probable)
Headed down the stairs
She seemed in a hurry.
someone who was sprinting up the stairs.
I suggest avoiding the passive --seems, seemed-- and be definite. To show someone 'sprinting', especially up stairs, we can assume they are in a hurry, right?
she seemed to be avoiding my eyes.
This is okay in this context as long as readers can see her avoiding him. I didn't. Did she stop at all?
What was she hiding, this girl? The way her eyes averted me sent alarm bells off
He is overly suspicious over common events. She only ran passed him. There's not enough here to cause suspicion at this point.
A petty theft, a lost child which turned out to be at his best friend’s house…
This is odd. Why was he given this instead of the police?
frantic case I’d taken on in this uneventful place.
In this quiet, uneventful little town
In the small, quiet little city
This is said too often. Once is enough. I also suggest cutting either,
--small--or --little--if you keep this third line. Since they mean the same thing, it becomes redundant - wordy.
The only crack in the bravado appeared when she showed me out and thanked me. Her hand suddenly flew up to her mouth and those huge, empty eyes welled up with tears.
Good imagery. She showed little emotion and I was suspicious of her. She still shows little, but it helps.
On my way down the stairs to the building, I heard a strange
--of--the building.
She sat in the middle of the floor of a very sparsely furnished room.
Stay aware of filler words to avoid wordiness. --very--can easily be cut, as --sparse--is known to be --very little--
The next morning, dog tired, I drained the last morsels of strong, black coffee out of my super-sized mug. The office was quiet at 6:30 in the morning. I hadn’t slept well at all.
The bolded phrase is extra telling as the words --dog-tired--and the info of being up until 3:00 will alert the readers he got little sleep without 'telling' them. It could be cut.
And candles.
One of those candles looked a lot like the candle the girl in my building was rocking in front of that night I peered into her living room. What had I stumbled on here?
I think he's jumping too fast to be believable. Add some details to help bring him to this conclusion. Don't candle's basically look alike when viewed in a newspaper? What distinquished these?
The bolded line is pure retelling of a scene the readers already knew, If you added --had--after -building--the remainder of the line could be cut.
I started my car and drove away, the camera I had conveniently positioned on my lap falling to the ground.
Is he inside the car all the time? How did his camera hit the 'ground' if he is inside the car? The sequence of events seem to be a bit off.
I was parked outside Kensington University, finishing off the cheeseburger I had picked up at the local drive-through.
She looked straight at me, with piercing blue eyes.
She couldn’t know…could she?
I'm beginning to see this character as bumbling. Is he sitting so close to the front door that she can look directly into his eyes? Is this the way you want him to be seen?
[follow on] these are author notes to self, right? For revision time?
My attention was quickly drawn to the door where a good looking blonde walked in with a stern looking older man.
Detail of what caused his attention to be 'quickly drawn'. Did he hear her laughter? Something had to do it.
They seemed to be engrossed in conversation.
They definitely were, weren't they? --They were engrossed...shows the reader what they should be imaging.
Porsche [more detail]. They got in and he started the car.
The readers will know they did this so try not to 'tell' them too. This could be cut.
I ran towards my old Ford a block away. I managed to catch up with them just in front of the university. He was on his cell phone and she was sitting quietly. They drove on a few blocks and turned right.
I see him speeding to catch them and then staying on their bumper. He isn't being covert; won't they notice him back there?
I wondered where Mr Evans was.
Why did he wonder this?
I suddenly had an irresistible urge to visit the bridge at the pond myself.
More detail on why he had this urge. His thoughts are tying all these people together with not much to go on, and that makes him appear very close to paranoid to me.
I was coming up the stairs to my pokey little apartment
These words were used to describe the apartment already. I suggest something different, or just leave out --pokey little--
it looked like a medi-evil dagger.
Did you mean --medieval --or will this spelling be sigificant later?
If I was ever going to find the truth I needed to see this.
Could this be that deep? I tried to remember where Millie’s mom lived.
I was starting to feel like the walls were closing in on me.
Be sure to detail why he is feeling this tension and urgency on an 17 year-old case because a girl averted his eyes while rushing up the stairs. He is possessed with a need to know, and this is a good tension builder, but, without details he will come across as imagining mystery where there is none. Paranoid.
to air his troubled tails of woe. --tales--
She had plenty of opportunity to nab him since he was always wondering around.
--wandering--
Another area that needs explaining with more details is the girl in his apartment building. Why hasn't he noticed her before this? Why is everything happening so quickly?
Be sure to work on the detective so he'll be seen as you want him to be. Slow down the action to allow the readers to see the characters as real people. The women have no real distinquising personalities at the moment. It's early and you have time to tell their separate stories; introduce them more slowly so when a name is mentioned later, readers will immediately see the character. Bottom line? Slow down! 
The framework for a high-tension mystery is laid out just fine. The hooks are put into place throughout. It's interesting and the cast is present. Now it's time to fill in the details.
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