Hm. I never thought about love like a string of knots, but I suppose so. Although "knot" kind of connotates a bad thing for me. Yet, the insinuation is we try to find all the knots we can. Or we count them, then discount them? I do realize a lot of "knots" pass through. In search of..??? We are counting to find....?
Just thoughts - please take as such!
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Interesting piece! A whole lot of doubt in there. Wondering what is happening, what the other person is thinking, planning for contingencies. Knowing something is going to happen, just not sure when. At least, that's how I read it.
You might consider breaking into stanzas of the separate thoughts. Such as "Tomorrow." Would make each thought more distinct and the whole thing a bit more readable.
Good job!
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Nicely done. It's very hard to leave or be left, always wondering if it was the right decision, but it is the decision made. Waiting is the worst, no doubt of that.
My only comment is the switch between present and past. For example, consider changing this line, "Promising..." to:
Promising not to shed a tear, you knowing I was telling a lie (delete "that")
Good sentiments - good job!
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Nicely done. Can't tell you how many conversations I've had with people who aren't there. Practice various answers to varous questions. Pose and repose my own questions. And if it's someone you love, this goes on constantly. Funny how when you actually speak, it is never one of the lines you thought of.
Ouch! Couldn't he just leave a note and throw the radio in? Just kidding, sorry....
It is difficult to imagine cutting oneself that much, but if that is where you want to go, suggest the water be REAL cold, the narrator in a drunken or drug induced stupor, hallucinating or blanking in and out, seeing HER. May not even need the radio - hypothermia, blood loss and shock might do it!
You have a terrific opportunity for use of the senses - was the radio playing? how cold was the water? What did the first slice feel like? Is there a smell of blood? Is there a taste of blood when the water splashes?
Just suggestions - please take as such! Good job!
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Wow. I think you've got it! The sort of "spiraling" out of control, not sure where you are going next but going all the same. Then the crash, the confusion, the devastation. And, of course, you would never put yourself through that again - nope - no way.
Famous last words. My only comment is that 3rd stanza is awfully long. I looked and can't really say where you could break it. Maybe at "grasping?" Just a thought - please take as such!
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Good thoughts. If you have anyone elderly in your family, this is a very hard thing to watch. They don't want to die, but don't want to live. Seems to be a sort of "exist" frame of mind.
My only thought is this reads more like prose to me, not a poem. You might consider putting it into paragrams and looking into the "old man's" mind from that perspective. Just a thought - please take as such. Good job!
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Titles - Can We? Those Days. Days Without. - Only things that pop in my head!
I'm no doubt overstepping my bounds here, but bear with me - I'm old. "Can we" assumes such days existed. Would you consider "Were there...." ? Then Can we create again? at the end. I think it would acknowleged the dream of such days and the possibility it could happen.
This is JUST a thought - you have great potential here and it is already a good poem!
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Oh - very cool! I can see the bar now. I've been there - recognize the "enemy." I must conquer. We are matched adversaries. That, or I've missed the entire point, but I'm very fond of the one I've come up with.
Although, to be honest, I never saw them as a snake at the time - only later.
Hmmmm. Think we've all been there. CAN'T think of anthing else or anyone else. Completely consumed.
Big question - why would YOU leave. I can see the "I know you would leave me." Buy what is there about you? "You" like as in the narrator, BTW. And would not have you not learned?
A thought - leave him before he leaves you and so you will never learn to love? Just a hint and i think you've got it!
I had to laugh. I remember when I discovered my mom was human and it was quite a shock. She made mistakes. Sometimes she wasn't sure what to do. She didn't know what to say to me, nor I to her.
In fact, recently, my mother said to me, "I used to be able to fix things for you. Now I can't." She is 87. The words hit me like a brick wall. At 55, I realized she was impacted too by my growing up. Not that I didn't know it, I just didn't know it quite like that! Maybe you can use that - feel free.
I think you've started something here - I would like to see more - her actions, your actions. Or, as the years go by, how your perspective of your mother changes.
The sudden anger that can flare is easy to identify with. It blinds and all one can see is punishment.
My only real suggestion is What is the gift? Why so much upset? The reader can partially identify with the rage, but the question is huge. Did the dog destroy something of value thinking it was attacking? Is it a dead squirrel? Or even mentioning there is a dead life. Or a broken thing from the past, perhaps.
Just a thought - please take as such! Good job.
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I'm sure Jesus loved pie and this makes him much more human. My concern is you are going to get slammed. But they will get over it. Meanwhile, this light look at Jesus is lovely. I wish more people would adopt such a relaxed view.
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I can almost see you gazing out at the night sky. This is easy to identify with because most everyone has come to the conclusion life will not be what we want and we better adjust. Popularity is an empty promise and good friends are more important.
My suggestion is the first paragraph and those who have passed on. I think you have something here and you may have missed it. People who are gone can still have a powerful influence on you. What would Mom have said? Aunt Grace would not have approved. They are still there in your heart and mind and I'd suggest you give them a bit.
So sweet! What a lovely way to portray love for one who has adopted a child.
Might want to make this one word: With out
I think your rhyming great and your portrayal of the thoughts of a small child remarkable. Great piece - will look forward to more!
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Would that it could be so. However, that seems unlikely. "Tired" is true of many. War tends to wear people out, to say nothing of fear.
Interesting use of Herodically. Like as in King Herod?
Not terribly sure who the vengeful giant is. Maybe the US who didn't take well to being attacked? Or Islamic radicals who want to kill all who don't believe as they do? Might want to clarify that.
Also, a bit unclear about Ra and Nut. Hope I'm not insulting you - perhaps you are of a culture and religion I am not familiar with. If so, apologies.
Timely subject!
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This is great! I think you might retitled it "Life." Or, "Prelude to Life: Class" Just sort have having fun there, but really, it's amazing on it continues on and on and on in the workplace.
Actually, I love the last line - Stuck in the middle. I almost think you might move that up top and then repeat it at the bottom if you can make that work. It's very powerful.
Great piece!
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Positively fascinating. I was hooked on the sale of pillows and couldn't fathom where it was going, so I had to keep reading. And all this to avoid going home, exposing the lies slowly. And the lies of many, not just dad. You have wrapped a lot in a very short piece - excellent!
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Yes, I think "Alone" is an apt title. I almost wondered if you were talking about a human being - alone for eternity? And everyone hates him? Is this a vampire, by chance?
This stanza - maybe use something other than "right now" the second time. Especially with "right here" later on:
I'm by myself right now
I just don't know how
To live on right now
Just thoughts - please take as such - good job!
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Well, you are off to a terrific start here - sounds rather nasty place to be! Some points where I think you might improve.
Less use of words - The door gave out a terrible squeak like an injured cat. Could be: The door sqeaked like an injured cat. (which is pretty cool way to put it!)
The room is pitch black but she is looking for a light switch? Maybe feeling? How does she know it will get worse?
How was the room a wreck? Stuff on the floor? Wallpaper coming off the walls? Broken mirrors?
She walks in this room voluntarily? Or is she escaping?
I guess what I'm saying is I need to be a bit more grounded with what is going on, why she is there, how she got there. Big time potential!
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Wow! I think the this poem is just great. Particularly fond of:
Beneath indigo skies the fireball shrouds
Also like the childhood memories. Sunsets always have a quality of time about them, the past in particular. I think you have done a terrific job of capturing that!
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Gee whiz - I didn't expect that - but well written. Kind of the numbing quality of depression. After awhile, you just don't feel anymore.
What threw me here was the title. For me, it just doesn't fit. Maybe, "Destination Unknown," "Running on Empty," "Cruise Control." I went into this thinking someone just survived cancer or an wreck and appreciated life. So...a bit surprised, but good writing!
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That's cute - steam and self-esteem and yes, you do need both to move forward in life. Makes me think of the "Little Engine That Could."
Suggestions - not much, frankly. Maybe, what's the other side? Perhaps helping one with limited self-esteem, sharing with them, will make them a better person. Something like that. Just a thought - please take as such!
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This is very interesting - I'm thinking you have two distinct thoughts here and I'm not sure how they relate. The first is trying to articulate to others, sometimes under difficult circumstance. And i think you could end it there and it would be just fine.
What one experiences due to other actions? I see this as an entirely new subject. Yet you say, "because of the way they were born." There are people who simply couldn't care less and I'm not sure it is genetic. So, you see, I'm a bit confused. If these do indeed relate, might want to give a bit more clarification.
Just a suggestion - please take as such!
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This is a great start! You have so much to work with in a storm. And that would be my strongest suggestion - the smell of rain, the drops slapping you in the face, rushing the children inside, the sound of a window blowing out, the taste of water running down your face into your mouth, the smell of the wet dog, the fear of the power of the storm, the relief when it is over. Take me there - make me feel it.
If you rewrite this, let me know!
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Just sort have having fun there, but really, it's amazing on it continues on and on and on in the workplace.