Nicely done! I can easily see wrapping so much up in one place, a place that challenges and satisifies at the same time. And London is certainly a city that can rise to just about any occasion.
My only comment would be to consider putting something of London into your poem. If not for the title, it would be hard to know. For example Big Ben, the Tower, a well-known cathedral or mention of the Lower East Side, a well-known pub. Just something to tap in. Just a thought - please take as such.
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Wow. Definitely a comment on getting drunk and why many do get drunk. I love "...build a defence against the past." So often true. So many mistakes, but so afraid to more on. Which is related to one comment - the fear to move on. i think you might incorporate that here. Would add to the futility of the situation.
My other thought is ...while weaklings waste their wages....OK. While they are doing something, what else is happening? Leads me to look for "while they are doing that, something else is going on...but what?" Maybe I read it wrong....if so...apologies.
I do think it's an awesome piece - these are only suggestions!
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I like your use of "There was an accident, I'm sorry." It is a show stopper. Whatever you are doing, the world suddenly focuses on those words. I know this personally.
My only suggestion would be to start out with a bit more information. For example. "Mrs. Turner? Sergeant Smith, Virgina State Police. There's been an accident." It's entails huge amounts of information in a few words. It's a husband or son. we don't need to know which, but we know it is someone close.
After that, "there's been an accident" can resonate.
Excellent piece!
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I always wonder that myself. I tend to think the pretty houses have pretty lives and the poor ones, hard lives. But we never really know, huh? I like removing the brick so you can peer in - never thought of that!
I also like how you use the colors to reflect quality of life. Seems like you could incorporate that into your title somehow. House of Colors. Color Your House. Crayola House...oh dear...I'm getting carried away. Just a thought - please take as such!
Very nice! And, I believe, true. Love has many edges to its sword. Unfortunately, it comes with all of them.
There are a few words that are misspelled: wtch - htis. And I'm pretty sure "yourself" is one word.
This might be a technicality of uploading, but this seems to start out as a poem, then evolve into something like prose. Perhaps that was your intent. I'm not sure
All great questions when there is a crisis in one's life. Sometimes you just sit down and wonder what will happen next.
My only comment is I'm not sure you need the last line. It's sort of "falling apart," "remade" then "falling apart" again. Seems a little redundant to me - just my opinion - please take as such!
Wow. That is good. I never thought to tie inspiration to a heart, but you do it very nicely! And the "facing something new." Always so scary, but so terribly hard to go back. And it's funny how there just comes a day when the door is closed and there is no going back.
Excellent piece!
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I love it! I remember making a list of problems and crossing them off one by one, but I like your concept much better. And there is something soothing in the tide coming in and carrying everything away. As if it could really happen.
Excellent piece!
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Hmm. Thoughtful. Makes me wonder if the narrator chose drugs over the relationship or the relationship caused the drugs. Or, I don't know, maybe they came together and left together.
Either way, I think the point is made, but I'd only suggest a bit clearer as to what happened. Just a thought - please take as such!
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Nice, concise description of what I would consider (and I am no doctor, but once suffered depression) light depression.
I think you could go deeper. The spiraling down, the dark tunnel, the climbing back out. You have everything here - just go deeper. Wonder if you will come out.
Just a thought - please take as such!
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Yes, very easy to be there. The sound, the press of people, the close air, damp, streetlights. I think you even kind of got everything be tast in there! Which brings the reader right into the poem.
Only one comment really: eyes surprised. When i read that, i expected an attacker, a stalker, something like that. Just a thought - please take as such!
Good piece.
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Very cute and clever. Amazing what ties you to people and time. My only comment would be the repeated use of "always." I think you could get by with just the last one as it get a little redundant and not particularly necessary to your poem.
Good job! Meaningful, yet fun.
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Oh wow - that was just wonderful! Very poingnant and moving. I like how you didn't agree and sometimes get mad. It makes you ever so much more human and i think most people can relate.
The family "groove" was good too - things just never seem the same.
Excellent piece!
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That's pretty clever - sort of a tongue-in-cheek tribute to mosquitos? I love the "hover" and "eratic path" because they are pretty unpredictable. And the "needles" - that's good!
This is very visual. The "buzzing" helps, but maybe you give a sound - a blender - a drill? Also, the sinking of the needle into the skin when you can't do a thing about it. FEEL.
Well, I don't know about the "voice of the slave," but I love the poem. This is in the old South? I think the cadence is wonderful and a supberb descriptive of a stream. Very strong visual and audio.
Were I to suggest something, and I'm a bit reluctant, but how about the coolness - dip "his" hands in the water? Touch. Heat and cool. Just a thought -please take as such.
OMG - that was funny! I love the "surprised I could talk." Very easy to visualize and, for that matter, sympathize. I tripped a little between "sleeping alone" and the "enraged wife" - somehow thought he was single and didn't pick up anyone at the bar. But hey - I get it! The "gay" was a surprise. OK. Just wasn't ready for it!
Good piece!
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Cute! Can't imagine what inspired you, but very clever thinking. The more I look at it the more I see - the drive vs park, etc. I do know that blackboards were, once, black. But why did the start making them green - and now white? Hmmm...very good!
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You've definitely got something here. I just think it is a bit out of order. Perhaps place us in the hospital first, the agony, the pain, the reason for these things (accident, illness,etc). That will let the reader understand what is going on. Otherwise, it was my impression this was a teenager staring out the window, bored.
Might want to run through spell and grammar check too. Good potential!
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Yikes! That was a little scary. Sounds like spiraling out of control - something akin to depression, but much worse because of the rage.
I guess my only suggestion would be to answer the question I had throughout - what problems keep him/her trapped? Lost love? Deception? Abuse? I don't think you have to delve into it, but a hint would give (in my humble opinion) a bit of purpose or empathy with the reader.
Just a thought - please take as such!
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Oh - really like the eyes being stars guiding the heart - very nice! Also, good how you identify the eyes being such a gateway into another human and that can be pretty wild.
My only comment is the time situation. I get the feeling this person is gazing into someone's eyes for hours on end, which I'd consider rather unlikely.
Wow - that was pretty straightforward! Usually, these sorts of things are filled with alternatives, deep thoughts, etc. Basically, "I'm on a mission and get out of my way." Which is what happens with depression - you just want it to end.
I wonder - ignore if I'm off base here - if some recognition of what a suicide does to those love the victim might make this more powerful. Recognition of, but doesn't care. Too wrapped up in own misery.
Just a thought - please take as such! Good job.
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That's lovely! Being four can be a little scary as one is just getting to know the outside world and I thought you portrayed that well. I do wonder at what precipated this concern - a day a Vacation Bible School perhaps? Only because, in my experience, four year olds are not given to great introspection.
Is fiercefully are word? Might be. Caught me a little off guard!
The line "life waits at my doorstep" is very good, as though you know it's there, but just can't seem to let it in. I think you could really do something with that - the door is stuck, the door is too heavy to open....that sort of thing. And "you" are dying slowly trying to get the thing open.
"Can't afford a room." Not sure what you are alluding to there. A hotel room? A room to live in?
You might want to change the "Your" in the title to "You're" Also, sarrow to sorrow.
Good potential - really like the door!
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Nice rant! You can create a lot of empathy with this simply because we all go through some stages in life when we wonder what we are doing. Ususally because someone close to us asks what is with us.
I was intrigued by the "do what we want and survive." I missed that stage. In fact, I've rather found out, one must persevere through a lot of stuff to survive. But then, perhaps this is a different kind of survival.
A lot of people are on autopilot - off in their own world. You could do a lot with this - what is that world like?
Anyway, nice job - this does have great potential as a story or a character!
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Just a thought - please take as such!