|Hello free writer
Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you find my comments helpful
These comments are just one person’s opinion and are given in the hope you find something useful
On my initial read through I could see what this story intended to portray, the experience of a man terrified of something beyond his control. You did this well
A man in trouble drives a long, dark road, worried about the worsening weather conditions. We, as the reader, come to realise it is in fact rain that terrifies the driver. We are left to surmise he had been in an accident that he’d survived but perhaps someone he’d cared about had suffered in the incident?
He meets a stranded couple on the road and is forced to assist them against his better judgement.
The main characters are the driver and the woman and daughter. One gets an unsettling feeling as one continues on this nightmare journey, something has to give eventually, either the driver refuses to drive any further in the rain, or the woman uses her instincts and gets the hell out of there!
We’re left at the end where the main character drags himself into the mud to drink the hours away in the rain, rather than remain in the dry car. He is certainly one strange dude.
The story has merit. You were intending to portray the menace in the piece which you certainly achieved. You gave this reader a real feeling of unease, which never really had anywhere to go. The ending felt a little disappointing. Keeping tenses from past to present can be a problem, it’s so easy to do. You wrote: Suddenly I lose control.. present tense. Slip into past tense my hands groped faster
I found the use of the word WASa little over used. the car was, the movement was, was peaceful, was in tears, was crying, was trembling etc
Maybe just choose one of the broken down car’s faults instead of ran out of gas and a flat tire You described the caras a simple white car maybe a better description?
A good edit would make a huge difference to this story. It has a real chilling feeling. Thanks for sharing, keep on writing.
Reviewed by Sumojo