What beautiful images this poem evokes. It had fun, pathos, despair and elation. Well done. I came across this poem when looking at fellow entrants to September’s Creature Feature Contest. I loved the line: “Your birthday is a time to celebrate, not hibernate, my dear.” Thank you so much for sharing. I really loved it.
Cheers Sue
Hi Phillips, thank you so much for sharing this lovely story. You definitely have a ‘voice’ in your writing. I loved the humour, the pathos and the quirky nature of the character and his relatives, all tarred with the same brush obviously.
I recommend running the story through a grammar checker though. Of course a checker would insist you spell things correctly, which wouldn’t work with the dialect, but it would assist in the correct placing of commas etc. Do not let it take away the quirkiness of this delightful story though.
I’m remembering some characters from my past which remind me of Willie Pete!
Thanks again, please keep on writing. By the way welcome to WdC.
Cheers Sue
I love it! First world problems. I’m with you though I too hate waiting. My worst nightmare is to be stuck in a queue. No matter which aisle you select to join you can guarantee the one next to it moves faster. Someone can’t use their card for some reason or there’s a price check. Supermarkets are the bane of my life. I love how you got your own back by ensuring the awkward shopper too had more than ten items. I’m originally from England, the land of the queue. English folk are the best at queueing. It come from being in two world wars and having to queue for staples. I’d rather go without than stand in line for anything, so your story struck a chord.
Thanks for sharing and giving me a chuckle.
Good little three minute read, okay!
I enjoyed the journey as this curmudgeonly man seeks to take a hike away from people. He sounds as if he’d be terrible company anyway.
I found it a bit unlikely that he’d only had to walk for an hour and found a body that had sat undiscovered for what must have been twenty years or more. But that’s fine, it’s poetic licence. I hope he enjoyed the cash although they were probably marked notes or no longer legal tender. Gees! I’m a spoiler aren’t I ?
Anyway thanks for a well written, descriptive story.
Cheers Sue
You can’t possibly leave me in suspense like that! 😩
I’m really liking what I’ve read so far and hope that you intend to complete this poem in the not too distant future.
In the first stanza ‘ off course’ is spelled like that, not ‘coarse.’
In the sixth stanza I thought the phrase ‘begged of evil’ could be improved. Perhaps ‘gleamed with evil.’ or something similar.
It certainly would freak anyone out seeing a vision of themselves suddenly grown old. Flippantly, I thought, he’ll start to look after his teeth now😱
Anyway looking forward to reading the finished poem. Perhaps you can send me a reminder?
Cheers Sue
I’m reviewing this poem for, I write 2021. You did a great job of fulfilling quite a difficult brief. My favourite stanza was the first one. I really loved your use of Autumn as a metaphor and that the leaves and trees are the lines and stanzas of a poem. Very imaginative. I really enjoyed this poem, it evoked the smells and tastes of my favourite season. Thank you so much for sharing.
Hi Carly, well done on completing two good poems using this complicated formula. As a non poet I don’t think I could have got the rules straight to begin with! Anyway besides my complete ignorance of poetry I must say I liked the second one best. Because it’s about a journey of faith with a destination in mind; to find a place of peace and good living.
I’m reviewing this poem as part of I Write 2021. All success in the completion of I write and of the poetry contest.
Oh, how I love this poem. Firstly I loved the rhythm of the words, the piece flowed effortlessly. There were no points which made me falter, think that didn’t rhyme.
Secondly, the poem made me think about the things we say, so carelessly. And yet if those words took seed and became reality how much we would want to retract our outburst.
I loved the fact the lack of colour began in the highest tree. One leaf and yet she didn’t see. Didn’t comprehend such a thing could happen. That colour could totally disappear from the world.
This is a wonderful poem, I do hope that it’s published somewhere outside of WdC where others may appreciate it.
Thanks for sharing. I see it was written a long time ago, that fact alters nothing. The poem is as relevant now as then. In fact maybe more relevant given the world in which we are living now.
Hi Alex, great to meet you. I’d like to welcome you to WdC. You’ve come to the right place to learn more about the craft of writing. I can tell by reading your piece about yourself you have a great infinity with the written word. Writing is a wonderful way of releasing your pent up emotions, a way of getting down on paper thoughts which are hard to say out aloud.
However when you write for others to read it’s important to take a little extra care with grammar. I know grammar can be boring and may stop or impede the flow of words which you want desperately to write. But your reader can be distracted and failed to be absorbed if they need to figure out where one sentence ends and another begins.
So review this biography of yours, read it out aloud and you’ll see where the natural places for pauses, or commas are. Don’t forget apostrophes such as in I’m a and can’t.Spelling is very important too. When I see the word been spelled bin it makes me think that the writer doesn’t care for me as a reader.
Do not be disheartened though, Alex, you’re just starting out on this great journey of writing. I feel you have the makings of a wonderful writer one day.
I’ll watch out for your first novel. Keep on writing.
Cheers Sue
Hello, welcome to WdC, I hope you enjoy your time here. You’ll receive help, support and encouragement. Just reach out and ask.
When I read this short piece I could almost hear in my head the voice of Boris Karloff. You may not know who he is, depending on your age. However he used to be in horror movies and had a distinctive voice. You may be able to look him up.
Anyway it proves that the writing was quite good to remind me of a voice from my past. So we’ll done. Keep in writing.
Cheers Sue
Hi Marie, welcome to WdC. I’m not really a great person to critique poetry as I usually write short stories. I do like reading poetry though as it can tell a whole story condensed into a shorter form. This short poem conjures up quite a picture of someone walking in the dark, hearing footsteps behind her and hopes it’s not someone out to hurt her. Then the last line brings relief when she can relax as she discovers the footsteps belong to her brother.
I enjoyed reading it. Thank you so much for sharing.
Cheers Sue
You must have been one of those hardy souls who ventured from their nice warm bed to gaze at the phenomenon.
Every time we are told about the brightest, largest, nearest to the earth, moon I say, “ I’ll make sure I’m up in time to watch that.”
I never do. Was this moon really pink? I want it to be so much.
Was the image you captured anywhere as memorable as the real thing?
I hope it was worth the cold feet. Thanks for sharing your experience.
Cheers Sue
Hi Carly, I really enjoyed reading this poem. I can easily imagine steeping outside at the end of a perfect summer’s day. The air has cooled but the sweet fragrances of blossoms remain. How wonderful it would be to have a stream in one’s garden to reflect the moonlight and the flickering fireflies.
I particularly liked the line “transported from the mundane to a world that shimmers”
Thank you so much for sharing this piece.
The only small error I saw was: there’s no apostrophe in it’s security keeps out the chill
Cheers Sue
Kåre Enga, P.O. 22, Blogville This poem was suggested reading, and how pleased I am to have come across it. You are such a talented poet, your work is often breathtaking as is this piece.
You touched on something which send chills through my heart. We were visiting Sri Lanka several days after the Tsunami which decimated so much of South East Asia. The devastation and loss of life was unspeakable. And yet you have managed to personify and give words to something so tremendous in its strength, power and malevolence.
I loved the way you shaped the words and the lines. So clever and imaginative.
Was the year you wrote this the year of the Tsunami in Japan? The footage shown on television will stay in my mind forever.
I’m so pleased I had the privilege of reading.
Cheers Sue
This short story is a reminder, or an invitation perhaps, to everyone of us who depend on those we call upon in times of crisis. Little thought is ever given to the care giver, the life saver or the rescuer.
They are the ones who climb out of warm beds in the middle of the night. The ones who work double shifts because there is no one available to take their place. Especially now, in a pandemic, we should give our thanks. However it shouldn’t take a pandemic or a war before we stop for a few moments and send warm thoughts to those who care for us without a moments hesitation.
Thank you so much for the story and for the reminder.
Cheers Sue
Hi my name is Sue. Please remember these are just one person’s opinions. I hope you find something here useful and if not discard the rest with good cheer.
What I liked best
I loved this children’s story. There’s a moral to it regarding interfering with nature. The best children’s stories usually come with a lesson.
Opening paragraph.
You set up the start of this story with cute characters, two rabbits and a very inquisitive parrot.
Characters.
Bumpy, Jumpy and Piro are the three main characters, with the late appearance of the rat who reveals the reason for the strange vegetable. For a children’s story an ideal number.
Grammar and spelling.
In the first paragraph, you put found a new place full of juicy rabbits instead of carrots.
Paragraph two, line one. Remove space between explore and the question mark the quotation mark is the wrong way. Sixth line: comma, after carrots. Seventh line: “Sure, why not? Lead the way, Jumpy.”
Paragraph 6: God has a capital letter. 12th line: today morning Did you mean this morning, or, today? There are many cases of spaces between commas and full stops. This story deserves to put through a grammar programme such as Grammarly.
The last line: did you mean were dejected?
Parting comments.
A great effort at writing a children’s story. Thanks for sharing.
Well as greeting cards go, it’s a little unusual. Of course there are greeting cards for most occasions now but I’ve never seen one for a specific ailment such as heartburn before.
I think you may have set a trend though. Cards for aching knees, or colonoscopy procedures!
The poem made me smile, especially the second verse.
Good luck in the contest.
Cheers Sue
Hi my name is Sue. I’ve been asked to resend my review as the last one wasn’t long or detailed enough. Please remember these are just one person’s opinions. I hope you find something here useful and if not discard the rest with good cheer.
What I liked best
I loved this piece. It’s a story of hope, love and joy. The joy comes at the end of a series of harrowing accounts of cruelty, deprivation and near death.
I enjoyed your many descriptive lines. I particularly liked soft and fragrant as a lavender sachet
Opening paragraph.
The first two lines encourages to read more. Why was this man incarcerated within those four bleak walls? I read on to learn more about his terrible experience.
Characters.
The two characters are the soldier and his wife. A couple so in love ripped apart by the cruelty of war.
Parting comments.
It is a lovely story. The ending is particularly moving, when he holds his baby son in his arms. Thank you so much for sharing.
I loved this little story of despair, hope and love. You told the story in so few words, encompassing the past, present and future. Well done. I wish you well in the contest.
Cheers Sue
Oh well done. I enjoyed this new take on the old fairytale of Jack and the Beanstalk.
It was a shame that there was no castle, golden goose or giant though. How disappointing it was to find only Sad Sally who needed to be rescued.
I loved Jack and the Beanstalk when I was very small except when it was on as a pantomime and the giant stuck his massive head out of the castle window. I had to be taken outside, I was screaming so much!
Good luck in the contest.
Hi there, I’m reviewing this story for, ‘I write 2021’.
Thanks for sharing this tongue in cheek piece. It illustrates quite nicely what an alien race would consider about our Earth. Certainly they find it an unsuitable place to invade and make their own. We have pretty well made a bit of a mess of it, that’s for sure.
I liked the story very much. The only comment I have is the lack of punctuation.
I have made a few suggestions, as seen below.
Cheers Sue.
“Have we reached?” The commander of the ship turned his gaze to the navigator, whose screen was lit with bright red dots.
“Look out of the window on your right, sir. The planet will come up shortly.”
Alute, commander of the ship which was sent out to search for a habitable planet, looked out to see a blue planet come into view.
"Let's hope we find this one habitable for our species," He commented hopefully, rising from his seat and walking up to the window.
"The initial studies were positive, sir, and it already has life on it, probably intelligent life, according to our collected data.”
"Send a probe and collect samples of air and water. Let’s see what we have here," Alute instructed, continuing to gaze out of the window.
"Sir, the results of the probe are available on your screen.”
Alute, moved to the screen and gazed at the various parameters of the analysis of water and air of the blue planet.
"I don't like this place. Every part of the planet is polluted, not one nook has been left unpolluted.” Alute's disappointment was clear from his voice.
"Maybe we can purify it, sir," one of the crew suggested, hoping that they could end their search.
"No. We don't have the time and resources to purify something that has been so badly maintained. Lets go to the option we had searched for." Alute sat back in his chair moving his gaze away from the blue planet.
Hi there, I’m reviewing this free verse poem as a fellow member of the I write 2021 group.
This was quite a challenge for you to include so many words into a poem. As I am certainly no poet, or even claim to be anyone in a position to comment, it certainly was a great effort. Well done.
I liked the idea of such an insignificant little bird as a sparrow, having dreams of grandeur, imagining itself as a the majestic eagle.
Cheers Sue
Hi my name is Sue. Please remember these are just one person’s opinions. I hope you find something here useful and if not discard the rest with good cheer.
What I liked best
I love the who,e story, it had me hooked from the get go. Of course as it’s entered in Twisted Tales I half expected the twist. However it was expertly done.
Opening paragraph.
The start of the story is great. It immediately shows what’s going on in the story. It sets the place and time. A schoolyard bully taking out his own insecurities on a perceived weaker boy.
Characters.
Steven and Allen. Two boys of the same age in the same grade. Allen was the one who seemingly is the weaker, being picked on by the school bully Steven. From the outset the reader wishes bad things would happen to Steven, a nasty , viscious piece of work. Of course as everyone knows bullies are usually frightened creatures, covering up their weaknesses by taking them out on perceived weaker beings.
Parting comments.
Thank you so much for sharing this story. Good luck with the Twisted Tales Contest.
Ahhhh! What else can I say? A beautiful story Kåre Enga, P.O. 22, Blogville told with feelings, empathy and wistfulness.
Thank you for sharing this beautiful story.
Cheers Sue
I loved this poem. Thank you so much for sharing, it brightened up an otherwise drab old day. I loved the segue between verses three and four, very cleverly done.
The last verse made me laugh when the person realises he’s a little tipsy.
Good job.
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