Tinker's (tinker1111) Reviews

26

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#4695091

Review of My Neighbor’s Yard

Review by Tinker

In affiliation with The Poet's Place

Rated: E | (4.0)

Hi Niva, Now this haiku "My Neighbor's Yard" was a delight to read. Found it on Read and Review. Yes, I'm commenting again.

I can never passover a haiku. They are fast and clear and in your case, lovely. Obviously, you don't just write 5/7/5 but display an understanding of juxtaposing L3 with an entirely different image

Not much more to say, this was an enjoyable read.

~~Tink

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

27

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#4694754

Review of More than a musician loves his notes

Review by Tinker

In affiliation with The Poet's Place

Rated: E | (3.5)

Hello Andrew, I'm sorry you couldn't sleep but pleased that you chose to write "More Than a Musician Loves His Notes", which I found at Read and Review. I am here to share my thoughts.

Well, the title is practically as long as the poem and is super unique and certainly a lure to the reader. I love short poems, the focus has to be supersonic and clear.

The frame is, a tristich, poem in 3 lines. Unrhymed, 2 ten syllable lines followed by an 8 syllable line. The first of each word is capitalized which I found distracting. I don't know if the syllable count was a planned pattern but when I read it out loud, I hear a missing word, therefore a missing syllable in L2. Love You More "than" a Poet Loves His Paper, which would make it 11 syllables. Maybe you fell back to sleep in that moment.

I love the content of this poem. Yes, the focus of a poet and a musician. That part you got very right.

I written far more words than your your poem and title all together. Bottom line, this is just my opinion and it is your poem. Use what you found helpful here and ignore the rest.

Thanks for this very brief poem.

~~Tink.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

28

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#4694746

Review of Uncaged Grace

Review by Tinker

In affiliation with The Poet's Place

Rated: E | (4.0)

Hi Cubby, Your Uncaged Grace came up on Read and Review. An oldy, but I can never resist a poem written in one of the Codified Welsh Meters.

You start off with a unique title that I love and you chose a verse form with the gair cyrch which I found super difficult to understand and execute.

Frame: Englyn Unodl Crwc

Englyn unodl crwca, én-glin éen-oddle crewc (crooked short one rhyme englyn) the 4th codified Official Welsh Meter, an Englyn,, is the structural reverse of Englyn unodl union which is far more popular. The englyn unodl crwca is rarely used.

The elements of the Englyn unodl crwc are:
1. stanzaic, written as any number of quatrains,
2. syllabic, 7-7-10-6 syllable per line.
3. rhymed, mono rhymed. In L3 the main rhyme is found in the last half of the line followed by caesura and gair cyrch.
4. composed with "gair cyrch" in L3 (syllables in the last half of a line that follow the main rhyme marked by caesura. The gair cyrch end rhyme is to be echoed or consonated as secondary rhyme in the 1st half of L4. The caesura often appears as a dash.)
x x x x x x A
x x x x x x A
x x x x x x A - x x b
x b x x x A

Your poem demonstrates a knowledge of the Main rhyme and the gair cyrch phrase. The only thing missing is the secondary rhyme within the early part of L4 either as pure rhyme or consonated rhyme. This is the hard part, but always content before form.

This is being picky I know, but it was the Welsh forms that sparked my 6 years passion of research and sharing the history and elements of over 1800 forms beginning with the 24 Codified Welsh Meters.

In truth, I enjoyed reading this, I could picture the excitement and beauty of the scene.

Thanks for the read.

~~Tink

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

29

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#4694744

Review of Out of The Blue Love

Review by Tinker

In affiliation with I Write

Rated: E | (4.0)

Hi Liaa, I ran across your "Out of the Blue Love", a short story, on Read and Review. This is a little out of my normal sphere of writing but I will attempt to share my thoughts.

First Impression, short stories are out of my comfort zone, never tried one. but this looks really short so I will read and review. Title and first sentence, "Out of the Blue" is a cliché. I was hoping for something more creative in such a compact piece. But, with "a grain of salt", another cliché, me this time. I don't mean to be critical, I am just voicing my thougths. Read or ignore, your choice but maybe it will make to think next time a phrase comes easily to your mind. How could you say it more originally?

I'm backing off from here on. I liked the concrete image with name, self description. I appreciated the brevity, but secretly wanted to know more after Jacob was sweet. 5 years of toxic relationship is abstract, not telling me much. As a reader I was curious, willing to read on.

Thanks for giving me this opportunity to learn from your short story. Maybe someday, I'll give one a try.

~~Tink

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

30

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#4694738

Review of Day to Day happenings in my life

for entry "Nature’s swing."

Review by Tinker

In affiliation with I Write

Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

Hi Sue, I am following you at Twenty-Three in Eleven, I Write. So I will attempt to review your "Day to Day Happenings in My Life", a book page, which is out of my realm of expertise.

Right off, I recognize "personification" a tricky writing device, an oak tree with human characteristics, narrating this missive. My first thought after reading was, we need to get rid of "Mike", all he does is threaten and complain. This oak deserves better.

I'm all in for the wife and kids.

Seriously, this was entertaining. Your writing clear and progressive. My only hiccup was the 3rd to last sentence. "I will live up to 300 years." It sounded statistical and out of character. I heard the oak say "I've heard, I could live up to 300 years." Just my imagination connecting to your character.

I enjoyed reading your page, even though I resist prose entries normally.

Thanks for the opportunity to expand.

~~Tink

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

31

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#4694710

Review of Captain Banana Peel

Review by Tinker

In affiliation with I Write

Rated: E | (5.0)

Hi Magoo, I found your "Captain Banana Peel" on Read and Review and it looks super fun to read. So here I am, about to read and share my thoughts on your poem written a couple of years ago.

My first impression has already been expressed. So now to examine the frame. (I am restraining myself from the pleasure of reading it out loud until after I take a look at the craft.) A poem in twenty-five iambic tetrameter lines, broken into 5 quatrains, made up of rhymed couplets. Consistent, lyrical, and concise.

OK, reading this aloud was just fun and laughter ensued. What a cool hero.

One that doesn't kill and maim but just has the villains slipping and sliding, becoming comical and ineffectual at the same time. I'll keep this hero in mind next time I need one.

Thanks for the entertaining read.

~~Tink

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

32

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#4694654

Review of Eclipse

Review by Tinker

In affiliation with I Write

Rated: E | (5.0)

Hi Sue, Your old poem "Eclipse" popped up on Read and Review and I'm here to share my thoughts.

The title, the font, the appearance on the page and the beginning phrase "A hunter's moon" hooked me right away.

The frame is a 10-line poem, made up of rhymed couplets arranged as a couplet, and 2 quatrains. There is no apparent metric or syllabic pattern.

What Can I say more, I loved it. The poem quietly explores the galaxy. So beautiful.

Thank you.

~~Tink

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

33

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#4694641

Review of Fading year

Review by Tinker

In affiliation with I Write

Rated: E | (4.0)

Hi Mike, Your poem Fading Year came up on Read and Review and so I am here to share my thoughts.

I thought your title was interesting and the brevity of the poem certainly would attract me to read.

An octastich, (8-line poem) composed of 2 mono-rhymed quatrains. No apparent metric or syllabic pattern.

This is a lovely change of season piece. The language is simple and the poem reads aloud well. This was a prompted poem and I believe the poem easily met the theme.

I enjoy reading this type of poetry and sometimes read as a beginning to meditation.

Thanks for the read.

~~Tink

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

34

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#4694638

Review of The patriot's dilemma

Review by Tinker

In affiliation with I Write

Rated: E | (4.5)

Hi Steve, I happened on your A Patriot's Dilemma" at Read and Review. I am here to share my thoughts.

I'm always interested when I see the word "patriot", I am an unabashed flag waver. Your title would attract me to read. I've ridden "color guard" at the Grand National Rodeo at the Cow Palace. One of my most cherished honors.

The frame of this poem is Free Verse, very fitting for the content and you make good use of line breaks to give emphasis where you intend it to be. The poem reads fluidly out loud.

Ah yes, the "not my president" phrase coming from either side depending on who won, who lost. So frustrating. Politics has become so divisive. So sad and I think you capture it very well.
I still hold hope for a united people. Accepting of the dictates of democracy.

Thank you for this interesting piece.

~~Tink

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

35

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14 days may be credited.

#4694556

Review of The Mystic's Confession

Review by Tinker

In affiliation with I Write

Rated: E | (5.0)

Hi Neva, Another of your poems, way back 2005, The Mystic's Confession came up on Read and Review. I only meant to read, but as long as I am here I will comment.

This is the kind of beautiful, spiritual work I have come to expect from you. From the unique title to the imagery and connection to another world. I could read this over and over.

Words, countenance, grandeur, supplicating, orb take this piece up a notch. The rhythm is hypnotizing.

This is just a beautiful poem. Thank you.

~~Tink

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

36

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#4694497

Review of Shoes and Other Cliches

Review by Tinker

In affiliation with I Write

Rated: E | (4.5)

Hi Neva, A lot of your poems pop up at read and review. And Shoes and Other cliches is the latest. i feel like i’ve reviewed a couple of your poems already and i didn’t want you thinking I’m picking on you. Plus your writing skills are at a level that i really don’t have much to offer to you in the way of improving.

BUT. I couldn’t pass on that title. I had to read, then you had me laughing in the first few lines. This was just fun to read i often expect to read an inspiring spiritual piece when I see your name. This was a delightful glimpse of your silly side. Thank you for that.

~~Tink

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

37

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#4694492

Review of My Room With A View

Review by Tinker

In affiliation with I Write

Rated: E | (3.0)

Hi Naomi, Your A Room With a View popped up on Read and Review and I am here to share my thoughts.

The title piqued my curiosity, inviting me to read. I'm not a big fan of long poems so if I were not already committed to reviewing, I probably would not have taken the time to read. Just a FYI, most contests limit the number of lines acceptable to 40 especially here at WDC.

The frame, I began addressing this in my first impression. A poem in 74 lines made up of 2 octaves,2 septets, an octave, a septet, an octave, a septet, a sixain, and an octave. In that order. The first 2 octaves display a pattern of long/short, long/short, long/short, long/short lines with staggered sequential rhyme. xaxaxbxb xcxcxcxc x being unrhymed. The pattern has a nice rhythm and is pleasant musical sound and is attractive to the eye. After that the pattern seems to be abandoned and the timing is thrown off a bit. S3 long/long/short, long/short, long/short. L3, L5, L7 rhyme xxdxdxd x being unrhymed. S4 long/long/short/long/long/long/long rhyme exexfxfx x being unrhymed. As if you tried to maintain the pattern but couldn't quite get it done. And now a different pattern seems to be employed. By the way, for future, in English rhyme is on the accented syllable therefore, city and only do not rhyme. city and pity rhyme, but we see this technical error all of the time on the internet. I don't mean to be critical, I usually comment on content, only on how you crafted this piece.

I think if you had stuck to the original pattern and possibly condensed some of the content this could have had more impact. Walt Whitman said "condense, condense, condense".

This whole thing is just the opinion of one. If I didn't see the potential of this poem I would have passed over it entirely. This is your poem, use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.

I think the premise of this piece is really quite interesting and the beginning pattern is impressive.

~~Tink

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

38

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14 days may be credited.

#4694488

Review of untitled

Review by Tinker

In affiliation with I Write

Rated: E | (4.5)

Hi Foolish Fellow, Your "untitled" of 2021 popped up on Read and Review and I am here to share my thoughts.

Being untitled, I probably wouldn't have bothered to read this if I wasn't prepared to write 2 random reviews today. In my opinion, you really are doing this interesting poem a disservice by not giving it a title.

The frame is Free Verse with good use of the white on the page. Line breaks give importance and dictate the rhythm. Liberal use of alliteration gives this piece a musical sound. The poem flows and when read out loud is fluid. Well crafted.

Vibrant and surprising imagery give this poem depth and interest.

I did enjoy reading this and if it had been titled, I would probably give it 5 stars.

~~Tink

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

39

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14 days may be credited.

#4694402

Review of My voice

Review by Tinker

In affiliation with I Write

Rated: E | (5.0)

Hi WakeUp, Your old poem "My Voice" popped up at Read and Review and I am here to share my thoughts.

At first impression, the poem on the page along with the title are attractive and would tempt me to read even if I wasn't on a mission to review 2 poems daily for the month of April.

The frame is clearly Free Verse. Your use of space and Caps bring interest to the piece. Kind of Emily Dickenson, but modern.
.The flow of the words, the language make this easy reading. It also feels friendly.

I found this very

. Loved the last line.

~~Tink

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

40

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14 days may be credited.

#4694400

Review of Beloved.

Review by Tinker

In affiliation with I Write

Rated: E | (4.0)

Hi Bunny, Your Beloved came up on Read and Review. I am excited to share my thoughts on a poem written in one of the Codified Welsh Meter. It was the Welsh meters that started me on a 6 year quest to research the history and the elements of the Verse Forms of the World.

I am impressed that you would try an ancient form.

I don't know where you found your information on the form but I have a couple of books dedicated to the study of the Welsh Meters and have used the internet, all sources agree that when writing a Gwadwdodyn with the cyhydedd hir couplet which is what you seem to be attempting, L3 requires internal rhyme as well as cross rhyme with L4. Therefore, you should have a rhyme within L3 that rhymes with strife and midway into L4 you should also have a rhymed syllable with strife.
Off the top of my head, a poor example
For many love comes with the knife of strife
For others life's love with knots of rope

Gwawdodyn, gwow-dód-in (gwad = poem) is the 20th codified, Official Welsh Meter, an Awdl. It is a combination of a cyhydded naw ban couplet followed by either a toddaid or cyhydedd hir couplet. The elements of Gwawdodyn are:

1. stanzaic, written in any number of quatrains made up of a Cyhydedd Naw Ban couplet followed by either a Toddaid or Cyhydedd Hir.
2. syllabic, L1,L2,L4 are 9 syllable lines and L3 is a 10 syllable line.
3. when written with a cyhydedd hir couplet the stanza is rhymed aaba, with L3 internal rhyme and L4 cross rhymed b.
4. when written with a Toddaid rhymed main rhyme mono-rhymed or aabb.
5. composed with gair cyrch following the main rhyme and caesura of L3. The gair cyrch end rhyme is echoed in the first half of L4 in secondary rhyme, assonance or consonance.

Sorry, I spent a lot of hours studying these meters and I couldn't pass over this. Your poem is fine, it is lovely. But you kind of missed the mark on complying with elements of the meter. This is just my opinion. You probably followed instructions that were incomplete.

Back to your poem, I loved "not saying nope". Content over form always. I enjoyed this read

~~Tink

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

41

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14 days may be credited.

#4694292

Review of Driskill Mountain

Review by Tinker

In affiliation with I Write

Rated: E | (4.0)

Hi Lou, I ran across Driskill Mountain at Read and Review and I am here to share my thoughts.

Great start, an intriguing title that would certainly bait me in to read. And I have to admit, I'm going to google it after the review is completed. I can't resist.

The frame reminds me of lyrics to a song, verse, chorus, verse, chorus. A poem in 25, unrhymed lines made up of an octave, a cinquain, an octave, and a quatrain, in that sequence with L9 and L10 repeated as L21 and L22. No apparent metric or syllabic pattern.

The imagery, I loved "no more than a bump" Living in the coastal mountains of northern California, and having spent a lot of time in the wilderness areas of the Sierra Nevadas, I'm always tickled by what some other states call "mountains". I loved the "Bayou Mood". Never been to New Orleans but have been to Shreveport LA. Beautiful.

If this were mine, I would delete L11. It breaks the rhythm and the word "wander" is repeated from L3 and L7. IF I were to keep Line 11, I would look for a different word "roam, ramble, drift" to suggest a few. But it isn't my poem, it is yours, and this is just one person's opinion. I'm just thinking out loud. Use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.

Overall, I enjoyed this and now I'm going to google Driskill Mountain. Thanks,

~~Tink

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

42

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14 days may be credited.

#4694286

Review of Summer Heat

Review by Tinker

In affiliation with I Write

Rated: E | (5.0)

Hi Dave, I am being offered 800 GPs to Review this oldy of yours, "Summer Heat". Because it's yours and I already know it will be well crafted, its age and because I am playing catch up I'm not going to attempt writing a full explication. First I will enjoy, then I will look at areas from which I can learn.

I have to admit, first impression, I was excited to see it was written in verse form, the Saraband Sonnet but a little let down at the generic title. How many "summer heat" poems have we seen? I think I've written a couple. We can do better.

I've already addressed the verse form which I am sure you have complied with to the letter. I'm not even going to check.

Imagery, hot stuff.... In my mind, sonnet = love / saraband = romance You met both in spades. "o frolic in the cooling spray," "hot romantic sparks at play". I can see the sizzle. "and took her hand in his to lead /her down the path' Lead on. "With lightning flashing in the night,/a raging storm of passion blew /away all thoughts of caution’s light," Concrete, exciting, good writing.

Loved your use of words like "wilted", "frolic", "consumate", "debut" add depth. The flow of this piece read aloud is fluid and pleasant to the ear.

Overall I enjoyed reading your poem and getting paid for it.

Thanks for being a great leader at WDC.

~~Judi

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

43

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#4694103

Review of To A Favorite Deity

Review by Tinker

In affiliation with I Write

Rated: E | (4.5)

Hi Mandy, Your "To A Favorite Diety" popped up on Read and Review and I am here to share some thoughts.

First impression, your title piqued my curiosity. The brevity of the poem always attracts me.

There is no real concrete imagery but the brevity of the poem and the shortness of lines make this piece clear. I don't know how you could create a concrete image for the reader to connect to. This is more a think piece than an emotional piece.

The frame of this poem is an octastich, a poem in 8 lines, alternating 1 word and 3 to 5 words. There is no apparent metric or syllabic pattern. The bold of the single-word lines are effective. L4 and L8
end rhyme. L1 is repeated in L3 and L5 and consonates with L8. Rhyme scheme Ax Ab Ax ab, A being repeated, x being unrhymed and a is consonant rhyme. Interesting.

The rhythm of this piece is slightly staccato.

Overall, I enjoyed this. I learned something, I had never heard of Thoth, I'll have to explore more.
Thanks for this interesting read.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

44

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14 days may be credited.

#4694102

Review of Punny Thanksgiving

Review by Tinker

In affiliation with The Poet's Place

Rated: E | (4.0)

Hi Jake, I found this poem "Puny Thanksgiving" on Read and Review and I am here to share my thoughts. Forgive me for making this shorter than usual, it has been a long day and I'm just trying to meet my daily review goal. I'm thankful it is your poem that popped up because you know I will do a better job another time.

My first impression, Great title. "Puny" awesome word. The poem is relatively brief and I am familiar with your writing so of course I will read it.

The frame is Free Verse with 16 lines.

Imagery, "We cooked the bird with the giblets /Inside the stuffing" a total surprise, Awesome! You are telling a tale, because it is a poem, you could eliminate some words, Condense! But all in all a fun and very interesting poem.

The rhythm is fluid, and the story progresses logically. Plus the humor, good job.

Thanks for the fun read.

~~Tink

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

45

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#4694023

Review of Let us walk along the beach

Review by Tinker

In affiliation with I Write

Rated: E | (4.5)

Hello Joyous, I happened on this older poem "Let Us Walk Along the Beach" at Read and Review and I'm here to share my thoughts.

The title felt casual and inviting. The appearance on the page, organized.

The frame of this piece was interesting and complimented the content. A poem written in 6 quatrains, each made up of a syllabic pattern of 7-8-8-7 syllable lines. L1 of each stanza is repeated as L4 of the same stanza with the exception of S6. S6 repeats L1,L2,L3 of S1 and adds a new L4. Rhymed, mostly assonant end rhyme with S3 and S4 with true rhyme. Rhyme scheme AB¹B²A CddC EffE GhhG IjjI AB¹B²b. Caps are repeated lines.

Concrete imagery is displayed as visual, auditory, scent and sensory. The last stanza is my favorite, the poem comes full circle.

Overall I thought this poem well crafted and a lovely love poem. I enjoyed the read.

Thank you, ~~Tink

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

46

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#4694019

Review of Homage à Eugène Marais

Review by Tinker

In affiliation with I Write

Rated: E | (4.5)

Hi Beholden, I just came across your "Homage à Eugène Marais" at Read and Review and I'm here to share my thoughts.

First Impression Love the title. The unique title would definitely entice me to read. Centered poems usually appear frivolous to me, although I have written many centered poems. I know it is an element of the form because it is a shape poem, but even the shape isn't all that interesting.

Frame Clearly you have described the verse form and met all of the elements. And it still doesn't look like a star. Can you tell how I feel about centered poems?

Imagery "the queen its brain enthroned, / the blood," Wow, an image I don't want to see but this is really good.

Rhythm This reads quite fluidly for an invented form. The sonics resonate.

Overall As always with your work, I found this poem really interesting and well crafted.

Nice poem. ~~Tink

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

47

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#4694003

Review of Canine Memories

Review by Tinker

In affiliation with The Poet's Place

Rated: E | (4.5)

Hi Neva, I came across the older poem "Canine Memories" at read and review and I'm here to give you my thoughts. I am using a template on explication provided today at "Re: The Art of Reviewing Poetry"

TITLE: I think any dog lover will be sure to stop at this poem and read because of your title. That might even extend to animal lovers in general.

IMAGERY: This poem paints vivid imagery of the stages of a dog's life with its master. The imagery is not only visual but sensual. I felt the sand and its changing temperature when reading. I saw the boy grow into a man, possibly a soldier.

Figurative imagery uses associative figures of speech to describe something by comparing it to something else. These techniques include metaphor, simile, personification, symbolism, and onomatopoeia.

RHYMING & REPETITION: There is no end rhyme but your liberal use of assonance and alliteration are musical sounds when read aloud. The development of time, aging progresses strophe by stophe.

RHYTHM: This poem reads smoothly and fluidly out loud. Your line breaks give emphasis to core words. Each strophe is a time unit giving pause before moving on.

STRUCTURE & FORM: This poem is written in Free Verse the structure of which is mentioned directly above and which contributes beautifully to the rhythm of the piece. There is a typo in L14 "as the" should be "as they". Otherwise no technical error jumped out at me.

THEME: The theme of this poem is "aging" as seen through the eyes of a dog.

OVERALL IMPRESSION:I found this piece, heartwarming.

Thanks for another good read.

~~Tink

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

48

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#4693751

Review of Cat and fly

Review by Tinker

In affiliation with I Write

Rated: E | (3.5)

Hello n.lea, I happened on your Cat and Fly at Read and Review and I am here to share my thoughts.

First Impression The title sounds fun and the brevity is hard for me to pass over.

Frame: A prose poem in 7 lines.

Texture, rhythm, word choice, and sonics This reads like a list. The liberal use of internal rhyme adds texture. The word choices are simple and appropriate for children.

Suggestions This is just my opinion but if it were mine I would play with line breaks to smooth out the rhythm. This does not flow well when read out loud. Typo L7 yawn should be yawned. Of course this is just perspective, it your poem, use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.

Overall The content is cute and very appropriate for a small child. It was fun to read.

~~Tink

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

49

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14 days may be credited.

#4693652

Review of What waits in the shadows

Review by Tinker

In affiliation with I Write

Rated: E | (4.0)

Hello Mr Y., I happened upon your What Waits in the Shadows at Read and Review. I'm here to share my thoughts.

First impression The title is intruiguing. The period beginning each line looked sort of neat on the page and also intriguing. The random reader would be attracted.

Frame Written in 14 lines without end rhyme and with no apparent metric or syllabic pattern. There is, however, a chain created by the last word of each line repeated as the first word of the next line. Often when seeing a chain of this nature, the first word of the poem is also the last word of the poem, bringing the poem full circle. This was not done in this poem.

Texture, rhythm, word choice, and sonics The period in front of each line creates a staccato rhythm like reading a list. The chain is interesting, a kind of wordplay. The poem takes on an ominous tone as it progresses.

Suggestions This is just my opinion, if it were mine I'd remove the periods in front of each line. They make the poem read choppy. I see no technical errors and have no other suggestions. This is your poem, use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.

Overall For me this poem came across as threatening. Gave me chills. That's the goal to have the reader connect and feel.

~~Tink

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4693651

Review of Winter Dawn

Review by Tinker

In affiliation with I Write

Rated: E | (4.5)

Hi Neva, I have the pleasure of sharing my thoughts on your poem Winter Dawn found at Read and Review.

First impression Title suggests a little intrigue. Interesting and will attract readers.

Frame You share the elements of the Shadorma in your footnote. The poem adheres to the form perfectly.

Texture, rhythm, word choice, and sonics The poem reads out loud with no stumbles or hiccups. I've been in Las Vegas in winter and yep, even then the temperature rises. In so few words you skillfully capture the feel of Las Vegas at dawn.

Suggestions If this little gem was ever put into an anthology or posted away from this site the subject line probably would not be included. I wonder if you added Winter Dawn in Las Vegas or Winder Dawn, Las Vegas Style. I got it right away, after reading the subject line and having been there. but to the random reader without inclusion in the title, they might not connect the dots.
Otherwise, there is nothing I could suggest to improve the poem.
Of course, these are just my thoughts, it's your poem. Use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.

Overall As usual I loved reading your work. Thank you for consistently producing high quality poems.

~~Tink

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .