I used colors: green is the part of your writing I am referring to: pink is a compliment: violet is my suggestion or comment.
Remember, please, that I am simply another writer, perhaps with more experience, then maybe not. I don't expect you to agree with everything I say and won't check back unless you ask me to look again after you do your revision.
I dreamt once i could fly I dreamt one night that
i saw all sorts of things in the sky
i heard the rainstorms brewing above my head perhaps heard rainstorms brewing over
i heard the gods' heartbeats around myself
through green valleys i passed awkward and out of rhythm
and there were animals like i saw nowhere nowhere else?
and they looked at me like i was strong
and i looked at them like we were one wonderful!
i flew across the seas
and all the whales sang to me
as i gave them a part of my love
as we and the seagulls reshaped the world
through dark forests i went
and among the trees; among life so ancient
i met a lost part of myself
who taught me what i didn't learn in my nest great!
and we flew together in the night
and we learned again what's it like to be alive what it's
the moonlight on the purple sky
kissed my skin softly as i kept flight how about softly kissed
and the sharp cold wind around me
was realer than if i was awake, or in a dream auto correct suggest "more real" and I agree
atop a mountain, i met my young self younger fits rhythm better
and she laughed and played like i never dared
and as i spoke of my fear, she laughed smiled or chuckled. You used laugh in the previous line
she held my hand, and a lesson she shared; consider "shared a lesson I heard"
"golden wings can't ever be heavy
fly; don't forbid your dreams; that's what's truly scary" this feels awkward to me. I would consider just dropping it. I don't think you need it.
she showed me ancient ruins; we walked through
and we stopped to rest there for a year or two
and the snow made me feel alive again
and the small plants were our old friends
as i watched kid me treat the trees what is "kid me?"
a comforting sadness consumed me wonderful!
remembering when i did that back then
missing my best, old friend
and then there he was; smiling at us he appeared or he was there
and two kids looked, respectfully, up
and we healed the plants that needed to
and jokes we cracked in this place that was, to me, new rhyme feels forced. is there another way you can say this?
and as my time to fly came again
i bid farewell to myself, to my friend
and their proud looks meant so much to me
and my open wings took me somewhere i'd never seen where works and fits the rhythm
and in the open cold skies, i was not alone cold open skies
above all, i was above no one
as i landed on a small island
waiting for me was no old friend empty of me or my friend: use your thesaurus on "empty." There is a tool in "writing .com tools called "ideaniary" that is a thesaurus
nor an old version or lost part of me
it was my future that i could see
and she was kinder than i to myself
and as i told her all, she said "well, awkward. is there another way to say this?
your journey this night comes to an end"
and she hugged me like an old friend
and around us, everyone and everything
i had met in this one dream
appeared to wish me a safe return home
to remind me i'd never be alone reminded me I would
and as they faded again into the air
my future lovingly kissed my forehead lovelingly my future
and in the early morning, i opened my eyes again
and in the cold air of early morning rain a false rhyme with eyes such as mist and drop again
i knew i was alive
i knew it was my time
and joy overtook me
and it was as beautiful as my dream. drop and it was
While considering my suggestions ask yourself if: 1. do you agree there is a problem: 2. will the change maintain your meaning? 3. Will the change improve poetics? Does using a lower case I improve this or add to the meaning? I see that it is consistent with using no punctuation. I'm just not sure about it.
As I said before, I really like this. It is worth working on. Generally, it is pretty rhythmic so thinking carefully about rhythm will help. In general, false rhyme is better than forced rhyme and active verb forms are better than passive, that is ending in ing.
I hope this is helpful.