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Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of Zippers  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Intriguing story! I wonder how Tofiq knew where the couple could be found, and how a student would have the extra money for the rickshas. However, I like him and these women and want to take a train with them. They are so cheerful and adventurous. As I know little about forms and techniques of short story writing and can't be much of a critic. I saw no problems, though.
Thanks for sharing.
Elizabeth
2
2
Review of The Soldier  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
WOW!
3
3
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Thank you for amplifying these voices!
Keep writing!
Elizabeth
4
4
Review of Self-Image Found  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
That is really funny! It is very good news that "crease-free men are three sizes smaller to encourage reality." I laughed and laughed and read it over 5 times. I bet the journalist had no idea they wrote something that could be that funny.
Keep writing!
Elizabeth
5
5
Review of Snowflake  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I like this, Dave. It effectively illustrates your discussion. It provides a small moment of peace that lasts after the poem is gone.
I'm not sure that the change in color of the font adds anything, but, I must admit, it made me stop and re-read the rest of the poem for deeper understanding.

Thank you for all you share,

Elizabeth
6
6
Review of Haunted Memories  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Misty!
Welcome to WDC (Writing Dot Com)
Thank you for sharing your very sad story. I am glad you have chosen to write. Putting thoughts and feelings into words can be both growth-producing and healing.

As this site is about improving our writing and the point of reviewing is to help each other write better, I am reviewing your story which I found on the "Read and Review" page. I have found that focusing on writing better makes the writing process more healing.

You have described the situation very well. It is well organized and interesting. Your examples are well chosen and make the situation very clear to the reader.

I saw two things that you might choose to do to improve the quality of your writing. There are a couple of small grammatical and/or typographical errors that could be corrected. Also, the writing moves back and forth between past tense and present tense in places where it would be better, I think, to stay in one or the other tense. Here is one example: "My brother had ripped the limb off my barbie. Oh, I was so mad at him. I take a few steps more into..."

I am just another person trying to improve my writing and no expert. I hope what I say is useful, but if it isn't, that is fine. Just ignore it. This is your writing to do as you think best.

Again, Welcome and thank you for sharing. Keep writing.
Elizabeth

7
7
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Jannatnewaz,
Welcome to WDC (Writing Dot Com!)

I found your poem on the read and review page.

This is a lovely piece and I enjoyed reading it. I especially like "I have smelled the fragrance of your shadow."

I suspect English is your second language. You are quite proficient but use the language a little differently than a native speaker. I look for people who write in English from another language and culture because I find the differences refreshing. However, there are two things you might consider changing to make grammar work better for you: I think you use "Almighty" as a possessive and therefore you would write "Almighty's"; and, you say "the time." This is idiomatic in English. We say "the time" if saying "have the time." However, though it is grammatically correct the way you have it, common usage would be to drop "the" and just say "whether time permits." I have no idea why this is so.

Thank you for sharing. Please remember that in poetry rules are not as important as the artfulness of the piece. It is your writing and if my suggestions seem wrong to you, don't use them.

Keep writing,
Elizabeth
8
8
Review of Lower  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Fivesixer,
I found this poem on the read and review screen.
It looks as if it has been reviewed before, so perhaps my comments won't be helpful, but I will try. I really like how you did this, especially the one foot in front of the other. (I see the grammar check does not agree with me.) I also very much like the beginning. The only thing that I stumbled over was "when I need the stair." A railing is a device to help one who is struggling, but a stair seems like an impediment rather than a help. I see the rhyme with railing and would hate to see that go. Perhaps you could use
"when I need a pair." Or, false rhyme, "a cane." Or, just put in what you need. Or don't change it at all. It is your poem.

I identify with this poem. I am at that age where we all hold each other up because a fall is a serious thing.

Thanks for sharing this.
Louise is Elizabeth
9
9
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This made me smile.
I especially like the participation of the Pug and Nana singing. I also like the end.
Nicely written. Reads smoothly and the rhythm and rhyme actually speed up the reading so I felt like I was kind of in the party. Way cool!
Elizabeth
10
10
Review of Cut Your Teeth  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Fivesixer,
This is the first work I've seen by you. It came up in the read and review list. I really like it! I can almost imagine the music that carries the story. I like how you use the refrain. I find the entire piece artfully done. Thank you for sharing it. Keep writing!
Elizabeth
11
11
Review of Gone Far Too Soon  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Fyn,
This is very dramatic and sad and realistic. I mourn as I read. Then come the questions and the resentment and the feeling that the funeral has not totally brought closure, whatever that is when grieving a young person and not really understanding what happened. Very well written. I see nothing to criticize.
Thank you for sharing. Keep writing.
Elizabeth
12
12
Review of Fire  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
My goodness, Beholden! What a remarkable tale! Who would have thought? Why you of course!
I was worried when you started to fall about where you were going, which is what you intended, I am sure. It seems the "or else" got them in the end. Great imagination there. I see no errors or anything I would change.
Keep writing!
Elizabeth
13
13
Review of Reflections  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Simply a LeJenD',
I like the rhythm of this poem. I don't see many rhymed pieces that actually flow smoothly. That is hard to do, but this one does. I also like that it has a positive attitude toward growth and change. I don't see anything I would change.
Keep writing!
Elizabeth
14
14
Review of Aqui Finish  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Beny,
I did finish reading this and am grateful that I did. Have you noticed that there are people in the US idealizing Cuba today? It is possible, I suppose, to see good there, but what you experienced was not good at all. I am glad you left. Welcome to America! Your friend that wrote the introduction was truly a good friend. I am sorry you lost him.

About the writing, I found it compelling and genuine. I hope others will read it as well. It would help if you would go through and correct typographical errors.

Thank you for pointing it out to me to read.
Elizabeth
15
15
Review of Reading a Poem  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Fyn,
I appreciate this poem for its challenge and clarity and excitement. Just this week, I wrote a poem about reading poetry too. Interesting coincidence. Mine is much milder and gentler and I am torn over which approach is more effective. I am reading two books about writing. One is by Tony Hoglan about voice and the other, Still Writing by Dani Shapiro. I just finished William Carlos Williams Spring and All. At least one of these writers talks about the importance of emotion, of triggering strong emotion in writing so the reader will remember what they read. It appears to me that you have done that. Someone else talks about providing a compelling sensory experience. You have done that too. However, my poem was triggered by a blog post on poetryfoundation.org in which the speaker said "a poem yearns to be read." That line really stuck with me even though it is not all that vivid. So, I am in no position to critique what you have done because I am unclear in my own mind about what is best. However, this is well-written, vivid, and interesting. Thanks for sharing it.
Elizabeth
16
16
Review of Cutting Strings  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Fyn,
I suppose you already know this is excellent writing. You used the metaphor so consistently and your choices of language suit it perfectly. Well Done! and Thank you for sharing.
Elizabeth
17
17
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Rob Henderson,
Welcome to WDC where we all fight the demons within us by writing a net to catch them with. Thank you for sharing in your poem. I like it. Best wishes for a long and happy association with WDC.
Elizabeth
18
18
Review of Old Picture  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Dorianne,
I like this very visual poem that dances with rhythm.
You put a lot in those few words.
I stumbled a bit on lines 2 and 4. In line two, I wander if "she strikes" a ballerina pose would work? In line four, "she dances high in air a-twirl" might work.

Thank you for sharing this. Using formal structure can lead to so much beauty.
Elizabeth
19
19
Review of Luck  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Ashley,
Welcome to WDC!
Thank you for sharing your poem. It is interesting and definitely ambiguous as I think a poem should be. The only change I would make is:
Isn't it a four-leafed clover?
Have a lucky day!
Elizabeth
20
20
Review of My Profile  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Nysh,
Welcome to WDC!
It is fun to have people from different countries write here. I am glad to see you joining us. Are you looking for a critique of your writing or just introducing yourself?
I am Elizabeth and I live in Missouri, USA. I suspect you are very much younger than I but we can help each other with our writing.
Again, Welcome.
Elizabeth
21
21
Review of The Couch  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello J. Grove,
Welcome to WDC.
I've just come home from the graveside service of an old friend who had been gone from us for years due to loss of brain function. It struck me that there were few tears among the mourners. It seemed it was all over but this last detail of interment. Your poem expresses that experience very well. Thank you.
Elizabeth
22
22
Review of A Good Dog  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Miss Jennifer!
Wonderful poem! So good that you might consider publication. If you post on WDC "open to everyone" that is considered a publication by journals etc. If you limit who can see it, it is not a publication.
Welcome to WDC.
I hope to see more of your work.
Elizabeth
23
23
Review of the dream  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello Lynn,
I used colors: green is the part of your writing I am referring to: pink is a compliment: violet is my suggestion or comment.
Remember, please, that I am simply another writer, perhaps with more experience, then maybe not. I don't expect you to agree with everything I say and won't check back unless you ask me to look again after you do your revision.

I dreamt once i could fly I dreamt one night that
i saw all sorts of things in the sky
i heard the rainstorms brewing above my head perhaps heard rainstorms brewing over
i heard the gods' heartbeats around myself
through green valleys i passed awkward and out of rhythm
and there were animals like i saw nowhere nowhere else?
and they looked at me like i was strong
and i looked at them like we were one
wonderful!

i flew across the seas
and all the whales sang to me
as i gave them a part of my love
as we and the seagulls reshaped the world
through dark forests i went
and among the trees; among life so ancient
i met a lost part of myself
who taught me what i didn't learn in my nest
great!

and we flew together in the night
and we learned again what's it like to be alive what it's

the moonlight on the purple sky
kissed my skin softly as i kept flight how about softly kissed
and the sharp cold wind around me
was realer than if i was awake, or in a dream auto correct suggest "more real" and I agree
atop a mountain, i met my young self younger fits rhythm better
and she laughed and played like i never dared
and as i spoke of my fear, she laughed smiled or chuckled. You used laugh in the previous line
she held my hand, and a lesson she shared; consider "shared a lesson I heard"

"golden wings can't ever be heavy
fly; don't forbid your dreams; that's what's truly scary" this feels awkward to me. I would consider just dropping it. I don't think you need it.

she showed me ancient ruins; we walked through
and we stopped to rest there for a year or two
and the snow made me feel alive again
and the small plants were our old friends
as i watched kid me treat the trees what is "kid me?"
a comforting sadness consumed me wonderful!
remembering when i did that back then
missing my best, old friend

and then there he was; smiling at us he appeared or he was there
and two kids looked, respectfully, up
and we healed the plants that needed to
and jokes we cracked in this place that was, to me, new
rhyme feels forced. is there another way you can say this?
and as my time to fly came again
i bid farewell to myself, to my friend
and their proud looks meant so much to me
and my open wings took me somewhere i'd never seen where works and fits the rhythm

and in the open cold skies, i was not alone cold open skies
above all, i was above no one

as i landed on a small island
waiting for me was no old friend empty of me or my friend: use your thesaurus on "empty." There is a tool in "writing .com tools called "ideaniary" that is a thesaurus
nor an old version or lost part of me
it was my future that i could see
and she was kinder than i to myself
and as i told her all, she said "well, awkward. is there another way to say this?
your journey this night comes to an end"
and she hugged me like an old friend

and around us, everyone and everything
i had met in this one dream
appeared to wish me a safe return home
to remind me i'd never be alone reminded me I would

and as they faded again into the air
my future lovingly kissed my forehead lovelingly my future
and in the early morning, i opened my eyes again
and in the cold air of early morning rain a false rhyme with eyes such as mist and drop again
i knew i was alive
i knew it was my time
and joy overtook me

and it was as beautiful as my dream. drop and it was

While considering my suggestions ask yourself if: 1. do you agree there is a problem: 2. will the change maintain your meaning? 3. Will the change improve poetics? Does using a lower case I improve this or add to the meaning? I see that it is consistent with using no punctuation. I'm just not sure about it.
As I said before, I really like this. It is worth working on. Generally, it is pretty rhythmic so thinking carefully about rhythm will help. In general, false rhyme is better than forced rhyme and active verb forms are better than passive, that is ending in ing.
I hope this is helpful.
Keep writing!
Elizabeth
24
24
Review of the dream  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello Lyn,
This is lovely! There are a few places where the wording could be smoother. I can go into detail if you would like. Let me know.
Welcome to WDC! I hope to see more of your writing.
Elizabeth
25
25
Review of Into the Nature  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Jannatnewaz,
Welcome to WDC!

As you consider my comments, please remember, I am just one person with my own perspective. Please use what helps you express your ideas and ignore the rest.

First impression: This is an expression of the experience of nature.
content: Descriptions of experiences
form: basically a list poem with end rhyme abccccddde and a strong rhythmic pattern.

What I Like: the mood of this poem is refreshing and peaceful. I like thinking of the river as generous and the mountain as noble. The poem is quite rhythmic.

Improvements you might consider:
In line two I wonder what is fragrant. In line four, the rhythm feels interrupted by "the green" and could be corrected by dropping either the or green. Line 5 presents the same issue with "the endless." It could be corrected a couple of ways. One would be "I boated in the river's endless flow of generosity, or do something different with "saw the endless" that would bring the line back into meter. Line 7 has a similar problem with meter. How about birds chirping in wonder, or the birds I heard chirping sounded like wonder? In line 8, again, you could keep your pattern "I glanced at the rainbow that bloomed like a flower." Any word that ends in "ing" will usually sound passive.The next line can easily stay in your pattern by using "fear" to replace "am afraid of." I realize I have made several suggestions with the goal of setting and maintaining a rhythmic pattern. It seems more natural in my mind with this type of poem. However, I am no expert. I also assume the author was hoping for suggestions as that is what we do for each other on WDC. If that is not the case I apologize.

Thank you for sharing this. I enjoyed reading it.

Elizabeth





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