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1,499 Public Reviews Given
1,744 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I like to be honest and write about how I feel and what I see. It doesn't mean I'm always right - it means I'm telling you how your work affects me. I'll try to tell you the good with the bad, but don't expect fluff. Fluff sucks.
I'm good at...
Looking at format, spelling and some punctuation...except commas. I hate commas.
Least Favorite Genres
Technical essays, overly detailed fantasies and poetry.
I will not review...
Items that show no obvious effort at editing before promoting for review. If you spell "i" instead of "I", I will close the page and not review it. We're not idiots here.
Public Reviews
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276
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Than Pence

Thanks for entering "The Writer's Cramp - Poetry Week" !

Comments:
I understand this is a short contest and take that into consideration, so please take these comments and suggestions as merely my opinion of what was posted.

I laughed so hard at this poem. There is always comedy to be found in body smells and sounds. I did appreciate the little lesson about people being hateful.

Suggestions: *Cut*:
*Bullet*Last line, perhaps: I claimed someone's gas to stop friends from being hateful.

Overall: An amusing read, I hope the movie was worth it. LOL!

Writer's Cramp!
277
277
Review of Lights Out  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello JubeCube ~ official homeowner!

Thanks for entering "The Writer's Cramp - Poetry Week" !

Comments:
I understand this is a short contest and take that into consideration, so please take these comments and suggestions as merely my opinion of what was posted.

I love how you wrapped this story with the prompt line by adding it again at the end. Very clever. The rising action in the story was a delight to read. Well done.

Suggestions: *Cut*:
*Bullet*To me, the smell of rotting bread would just be moldy...not something horrific and gagging. Perhaps something else should rot. *Wink*
*Bullet*Show your reader the whispering coming from the beak.
*Bullet*Just a note, you could have made the mushroom-thing's hand more frightening.

Overall: A wonderful read.

Writer's Cramp!
278
278
Review of Polliwog Blues  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Jimbo

Thanks for entering "The Writer's Cramp - Poetry Week" !

Comments:
I understand this is a short contest and take that into consideration, so please take these comments and suggestions as merely my opinion of what was posted.

The grass is always greener on the other side of the pond, isn't it? LOL, your poem was a delight to read, I loved the ending.

Suggestions: *Cut*:
*Bullet*"We most hate letting the snakes and snails have the fun." ~ Would edit this to be shorter and more concise.
*Bullet*"wag of my tale would boost me" ~ "tail".

Overall: A charming write.

Writer's Cramp!
279
279
Review of Dark Frog Angel  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello londa

Thanks for entering "The Writer's Cramp - Poetry Week" !

Comments:
I understand this is a short contest and take that into consideration, so please take these comments and suggestions as merely my opinion of what was posted.

A clever twist on the traditional pricess kiss story. I thought it was very...slick. Nice work with your characterizations.

Suggestions: *Cut*:
*Bullet*The only thing that slowed up my reading was putting together the tall skinny teacher and Mrs. Turner. Perhaps identify her when she yells for Cierra.
*Bullet*Does it work if the frog steals the kiss? Hmmmm.

Overall: A clever write.

Writer's Cramp!
280
280
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello Ann B

Thanks for entering "The Writer's Cramp - Poetry Week" !

Comments:
I understand this is a short contest and take that into consideration, so please take these comments and suggestions as merely my opinion of what was posted.

A great take on a green jealous frog. I could sense the wistfulness.

Suggestions: *Cut*:
*Bullet*Break the first paragraph since the rest is short. Cut it after " I would know better than to fly near frogs, or any other animal bigger than me." because you then talk about snakes.

Overall: Short, think about fine tuning this as a children's story about jealous wishing.

Writer's Cramp!
281
281
Review of Frog Days  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Randy

Thanks for entering "The Writer's Cramp - Poetry Week" !

Comments:
I understand this is a short contest and take that into consideration, so please take these comments and suggestions as merely my opinion of what was posted.

A charming story. I like how your frog made the best of his circumstance. Your character portrayals were quite funny, John Wayne gets domestic with the tadpoles.

Suggestions: *Cut*:
*Bullet*"I lady sat with her car out on Drayton Street" ~ "A lady"?
*Bullet*"full witch on me and honest-to-Gawd cackling over me" ~ "on me" is redundant.

Overall: A good read, I enjoyed.

Writer's Cramp!
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282
Review of Dream Revolver  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello Jess

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!

After a slow start, your story started to gain momentum when Paul found the water. Once I found out it was a dream, I wondered what was the purpose of the dream or the desert? The woman didn't impart any information or reason as to why she appeared, was it merely because Paul was ill and nearly died in his sleep?

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*"His tired body found the last burst of adrenaline to support his staggering, swaying dash to the small stream that fed the oasis." ~ Wasn't he crawling?
*Bullet*I think the fairy dust was overkill.

Overall, a slow start and an unclear purpose.

Regards,
Kim
Just do it!
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283
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hello Tol

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!

A good theme for a horror story. You definitely stepped away from the prompt image and wrote something unique. The only thing that confused me was if the gnomes ate Bob, then what turned into a gnome?

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*"The shoe and four toes are gone!" ~ No bleeding?
*Bullet*"Tom backs up at the site of her and almost trips over another gnome" ~ Site should be sight.
*Bullet*Bob isn't close enough. He begins to inch his way forward into the light sliding on his bottom. ~ It would make the story flow better if you showed your reader what Bob was doing, not told them.

Overall, a creative idea.

Regards,
Kim
Just do it!
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Review of Adventure  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Katherine Young

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!

I enjoyed reading your story, it had a great fiction concept. I could see this being part of a short story collection, of some of the places baby boy slips.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*"New York to the Ohio boarder" ~ border.
*Bullet*"slipped only a night and only when traffic" ~ at night.
*Bullet*"Josh tossed hid pack of smokes" ~ his.
*Bullet*"Twenty-four, forty-eight, ninety-six. Not the days and hours" ~ ninety six - not the days.


Overall, a great idea.

Regards,
Kim
Just do it!
285
285
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello THANKFUL SONALI 17 WDC YEARS!

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!

This story was so funny, I enjoyed reading this. His internal dialog is terribly amusing and self-deprecating. I smiled reading the whole thing. The intimate part was well done, without showing anything intimate. The woman still appeared to be a hallucination, three leaves and all.

No suggestions for edit *Cut*

Overall, a great comedy story.

Regards,
Kim
Just do it!
286
286
Review of No Way, José  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello Shannon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!

Your story was so amusing and ironic. I thought your point of view was a good choice and liked the characters you used. And the flashbacks to Rhonda were so funny. Great ending.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*BFE ~ What is that?
*Bullet*(Is that tilapia?) ~ Made me pause and took away from the upcoming action.

Overall, funny and well-written. Nice work.

Regards,
Kim
Just do it!
287
287
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Qilin

Thanks for entering "The Writer's Cramp - Poetry Week" !

Comments:
I understand this is a short contest and take that into consideration, so please take these comments and suggestions as merely my opinion of what was posted.

What a fun story! A great combination of bloodthirsty vampirism and funny ducks. Perhaps there is a story worth publication after all. LOL All prompts were used, great work.

*Heart*“Sparkling in the bloody sunlight…I say, where do they come up with these things?”

Suggestion for edit: *Cut*:
*Bullet*“So then quack like a bloody told you, eh?" ~ A - should be "I".

Overall: A great entry.

Writer's Cramp!
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288
Review of Floyd Bridges  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Than Pence

Thanks for entering "The Writer's Cramp - Poetry Week" !

Comments:
I understand this is a short contest and take that into consideration, so please take these comments and suggestions as merely my opinion of what was posted.

A great start to your story, I hope the bully doesn't win. You did a good job showing Floyd's fear of the situation. I'm also curious to see if Floyd tells his mom.

Suggestions *Cut*:
*Bullet*"sniffled in silence" ~ Is that possible? Quietly, perhaps. You say in the next sentence that sound rebounds in the room.

Overall: Good work showing emotion in this story. Let me know if you write more, I'd love to read it.

Writer's Cramp!
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289
Review of The Proposition  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Custodis

Thanks for entering "The Writer's Cramp - Poetry Week" !

Comments:
I understand this is a short contest and take that into consideration, so please take these comments and suggestions as merely my opinion of what was posted.

Ohhh, with an opening like that, I want to read more! There's nothing more exciting than a dark character with a proposition. LOL

No Suggestions *Cut*:

Overall: A great beginning and a great scene, I hope you write more. I'd be happy to read it. Maybe I'll find out what's in a Holy Mary...I'm a fan of margaritas, you know.

Writer's Cramp!
290
290
Review of Waiting  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello Than Pence

Thanks for entering "The Writer's Cramp - Poetry Week" !

Comments:
I understand this is a short contest and take that into consideration, so please take these comments and suggestions as merely my opinion of what was posted.

Oh, isn't this everyone's pet peeve? I despise being stuck waiting in a public place, trying to look inconspicuous. You did a good job describing the scene.

Suggestions: *Cut*:
*Bullet*Much could be written for the question - why? Why was she waiting, again? Why was Dan always late? I see internal conflict but what part of it becomes the story?


Overall: An interesting scene.

Writer's Cramp!
291
291
Review by Legerdemain
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello J. A. Buxton

Thanks for entering "The Writer's Cramp - Poetry Week" !

Comments:
I understand this is a short contest and take that into consideration, so please take these comments and suggestions as merely my opinion of what was posted.

I enjoyed reading your prologue, it piqued my interest enough to want to read Home of the Red Fox, if it exists.

Suggestions: *Cut*:
*Bullet*I found it a little confusing, the writing being about a walker...and a character named Walker, if I interpreted that correctly.
*Bullet*helplessly being dependent ~ being helpless and dependent.


Overall: A fascinating snapshot.

Writer's Cramp!
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Review of The Visitor  
Review by Legerdemain
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Happy April 2024!

Thanks for entering "The Writer's Cramp - Poetry Week" !

Comments:
I understand this is a short contest and take that into consideration, so please take these comments and suggestions as merely my opinion of what was posted.

This definitely could be a true story. Pet therapy has been proven to be helpful in institutions. You left me wanting to read more of Emily's life-story.

Suggestions: *Cut*:
*Bullet*I expected Emily to struggle more with rolling onto her side.
*Bullet*The last paragraph seemed cold and factual. Perhaps Sandy's master could impart this information.

Overall: A good read.

Writer's Cramp!
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293
Review of Entry  
Review by Legerdemain
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello lucyrose

Thanks for entering "The Writer's Cramp - Poetry Week" !

Comments:
I understand this is a short contest and take that into consideration, so please take these comments and suggestions as merely my opinion of what was posted.

A nice short, I bet Madge had a wonderful time at the Red Ball.

Suggestions: *Cut*:
*Bullet*"Daughter-in-Law" ~ Words like these should only be capitalized when you can replace the word(s) with a name.
*Bullet*"did they get to help them during any recovery time they had, but then they were there with them once they had recovered" ~ It would help tighten this paragraph if you told the reader who "they" are.
*Bullet*You were asked to bold the prompts in your story. You did not do this. If you need help with WritingML, just ask!

Overall: This could be a longer story. I would find it interesting to "listen" to Madge at the ball and enjoy reading about her "flapper" days.

Writer's Cramp!
294
294
Review by Legerdemain
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Bikerider

Thanks for entering "The Writer's Cramp - Poetry Week" !

Comments:
I understand this is a short contest and take that into consideration, so please take these comments and suggestions as merely my opinion of what was posted.

This was a delightful snapshot of a happy moment in a nursing home. I liked how you used the child to change the emotion of the room, but didn't focus on him enough to be distracting.

Suggestions: *Cut*:
*Bullet*"Ralph saw Fred come in, waving his hand, he invited his old friend to join him." ~ Who is waving? Ralph saw his old friend come in and waved his hand to invite Fred to join him.
*Bullet*"Staff members, curiosity on their faces, slowly walked into the television room to see what the commotion was about." ~ Staff members slowly walked into the television room, curious to see what the commotion was.

Overall: I enjoyed this story.

Writer's Cramp!
295
295
Review of My Nephew  
Review by Legerdemain
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)

Thanks for entering "The Writer's Cramp - Poetry Week" !

Comments:
I understand this is a short contest and take that into consideration, so please take these comments and suggestions as merely my opinion of what was posted.

An interesting murder/mystery story. I'm happy they caught Ivan. *Smile*


Suggestions: *Cut*:
*Bullet*"to know that he was my nephew" Also take out that in the next sentence.
*Bullet*"kept on starring at me" ~ staring.
*Bullet*"raining for 6 hours" ~ Numbers should be written out. No comma after wet in that sentence.
*Bullet*It might help to visit: "May Editorial: Dialog" , "5 Tips & Advice On Writing Dialogue"  or "Book 5: Where the Oasis Blooms"  for dialog help.


Overall: A good entry.

Writer's Cramp!
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296
Review of The plan  
Review by Legerdemain
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello Ebube

Thanks for entering "The Writer's Cramp - Poetry Week" !

Comments:
I understand this is a short contest and take that into consideration, so please take these comments and suggestions as merely my opinion of what was posted.

A great beginning to a detective story.

Suggestions: *Cut*:
*Bullet*It wasn't clear, did Miss Anderson set up Jack? Was she Marie or just a rich woman? A bit confusing.
*Bullet*minds-it's now ~ There should be a colon here (-) instead.

Overall: A good start to a story, I'd love to see how it turns out.

Writer's Cramp!
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297
Review by Legerdemain
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello Than Pence

Congratulations on being todays winner in "The Writer's Cramp - Poetry Week" !

Comments:
I understand this is a short contest and take that into consideration, so please take these comments and suggestions as merely my opinion of what was posted.

I found your story sad, yet charming and endearing. Your characterization of Theresa was done so well, the reader could feel her emotions.

Suggestion: *Cut*:
*Bullet*Only one suggestion / point of thought. One would assume Theresa's father never came into more money. Would he have a computer for Theresa to send an email to? The suggestion of a computer takes away from the father character's mold.

Overall: A quaint read.

Writer's Cramp!
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298
Review of Humble Pie  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello Keyverse

Thank you for entering "The Writer's Cramp - Poetry Week" 
Humble pie, the most delicious pie in the regret bakery. I liked the image you created with your narrator. It definitely felt sad.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*"the past it held me with such great passion"
*Bullet*"forcing you to wear shame that did not belong to you" ~ Long line, perhaps "in unearned shame I dressed you". Not sure.

Overall, an emotional poem.

Regards,
Kim
Made in PSP X and Jasc Animation Shop.

299
299
Review of Silver Phoenix  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello LAF

You created an interesting image in your work. I'd love to see a silver phoenix graphic, lol. I'm not a poet, but I enjoyed your work and the image you created.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*You had a couple repetitive lines but they seemed to work. Almost like a lyric.
*Bullet*"That you are my" "That I am" ~ Taking out "that" strengthens the lines. You could take out "only" and beginning "And" words also.

Overall, good work

Regards,
Kim
Just do it!
300
300
Review of Broken Wings  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello DJ. Venson

You narrated a fascinating image in your poetry. How often does this scenario come true? Probably more often than society likes to admit.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:

*Bullet*What more does he have to do / proving he doesn't love you?" ~ A semi-colon or a question mark after "do".
*Bullet*The only rhyme I didn't feel worked was "immoral" and "normal".

Overall, an interesting read.

Regards,
Kim
Made in PSP X and Jasc Animation Shop.

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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/legerdemain/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/12