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151
151
Review of Alone  
Review by Sherasi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I found your poem on Read & Review. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
This is a very intense feeling expressed in these lines. Loneliness and despair are evident in the words.

Artistic Voice and Imagery:
You recognize that you are not responding to life as it should be lived. That is the beginning toward healing. Talking on here expressing your feelings is a good way to start.


Suggestions:
You have a solid style developing, keep practicing. Write about how you feel, write about how the world seems to you, etc.


Thank you for sharing your poem. Write On!

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152
152
Review by Sherasi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I found your poem on Read & Review. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:

This writing really is a barometer of your feelings. You are in a significant depression to which people around you appear oblivious. You feel hopeless, helpless, and unable to foresee a positive future. This hits me on so many levels. I have clinical depression and some days it is a battle simply to go to get up in the morning much less talk while using "The Mask" to anyone. I totally get this.

Artistic Voice and Imagery:

These lines are particularly telling:

"watch from behind a mask cobbled together
Using pain and hopelessness
Like paper and glue."

These are powerful words to casually suggest you continuously live behind that paper and glue.

"I sit doll-like, smile still on my face,
And stare emptily at those around me
Who only recognize the stranger that is my mask."

Grammar

"Bringing about the phantom tang
Of salt and iron,
To show the wounds earned
With the battles of my mind."

I would use a different word than show, perhaps 'taste'... you are after all salt and iron are 'tastes' and it is more dramatic than 'show'.

I would also use a different word than with, perhaps 'during'


Suggestions:
To make your work easier to read, I suggest a larger font.
This was a very good first on here work. Welcome to writing.com.
Also, on a more side note, have you considered seeing Health Professional for depression? It might help your life become more bearable.

Thank you for sharing your poem. Write On!

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153
153
Review by Sherasi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I found your poem on Read & Review. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
I hear anger and frustration in this short work. I can see why you would be incensed about crimes being punished inappropriately. Unfortunately, we are on a pendulum swing of intolerance and moral superiority.

Artistic Voice and Imagery:
I ask if you would post the Claim to which you are referring. I can't rebut or even agree if I don't know what it is I am reading.

Grammar
You are writing hastily (my impression btw) and leaving off vital information in your sentences. I don't mind discussing these topics, but I need to know what the topics ARE.


Suggestions:
I suggest you go through this work again, edit it to proper grammar and sentence structure and I will re-read it again if you sent it to my email on here. I give a 3 *** because I need more information to make a correct review.

Thank you for sharing your poem. Write On!

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154
154
Review of Day #23 - Write  
Review by Sherasi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I found your poem on Read & Review. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
I totally understand what you are saying about not having the social skills and interpersonal skills to communicate it well, so I create art and write to express my feelings. Your words are opinionated, but not intrusive for if I felt intruded upon I could stop reading. Nudity has no appeal to me, except in the shower, but if it works for others, so be it... just not in public places that intrude with minors and other sensitive people.

As for bisexuality, that is a tough topic to speak upon as it can intrude on so many people's lives (like the ENTIRE population!), and I imagine it would be challenging to find compatible partners.

Artistic Voice and Imagery:
When you write, it almost seems as if you are defending yourself and your chosen material to expound upon. That really isn't necessary because if someone is offended they can leave. For the more open-minded individuals, they can read on. Just warn about the contents as we all do when there are sensitive subjects being discussed.

Grammar
You have a decent grasp of the English language, I see no glaring errors at all. I would ask, what is an "Oblivious Textile"?


Suggestions:
If you could make this into a prose paragraph with indents creating new paragraphs and portray your work as an essay, it would be more agreeable to read. Also, use larger font, this also makes it easier to read and not struggle to see the words.


Thank you for sharing your poem. Write On!

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155
155
Review of The Best on Ice  
Review by Sherasi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I found your poem on Read & Review. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
This was an exciting piece, the training and working at improving skating skills, to compete for a skating club. Then seeing a role model skater and then his skates break. Suddenly, wonder of wonders, his mom had a new set of skates!

Artistic Voice and Imagery:
"... it was the most beautiful time of the year. The snow falls ever so gently and glistens when the sun touches it. I have always found it magical and filled with such calm and peace."
This is lovely wording and I imagine my winters in Maine.


Grammar
no noted problems.


Suggestions:
I would break up your word blocks a bit more to separate events that are occurring. Make larger font sizes and rearrange the blocks and it will be much easier to read. This was a remarkable story and it was told well.


Thank you for sharing your poem. Write On!

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156
156
Review of Ant Wars  
Review by Sherasi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I found your poem on Read & Review. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
I was a little puzzled by the topic. I couldn't imagine watching ongoing campaigns of warring factions of ants. But I read up on the subject.

"A typical colony contains an egg-laying queen and many adult workers together with their brood (eggs, larvae, and pupae). Workers are by far the most numerous individuals in the nest. They are responsible for nest construction and maintenance, foraging, tending the brood and queen, and nest defense. While all workers are female, they are sterile and do not lay eggs. Winged queens and males are present in the nest for only a short period. Soon after emerging they leave the nest to mate and establish new nests." I know that scent of the queen identifies who belongs to whom.

Artistic Voice and Imagery:
I felt that this was a most interesting description, "The battle was vicious. I briefly considered raking the whole mob into a leaf bag and tossing them over the fence, but then I realized how ridiculous that was."

Grammar
No noted errors.


Suggestions:
If you could use a larger font, it would be easier to read. I agree, if ants can survive holocausts over the years, maybe there IS hope for humanity.


Thank you for sharing your poem. Write On!

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157
157
Review of Wonderland  
Review by Sherasi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I found your poem on Read & Review. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
This was a very well-written sonnet. It makes me feel like I can get lost in a fantasy when the real world seems too tough to negotiate. It was very simply composed, rhymes nicely, and does the subject justice.

Artistic Voice and Imagery:
I enjoyed the refrain because the words made me realize it was and is a continuous invitation to avoid reality, even to this day.

Grammar
I saw no errors.


Suggestions:
I saw nothing I would change or rewrite.

Thank you for sharing your poem. Write On!

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158
Review of SURPRISE  
Review by Sherasi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I found your poem on Read & Review. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
This described an extremely surprising turn of events. I was confused, angry, and then surprised. So many emotions were covered in a very short read. I enjoyed the writing when I knew he wasn't a masher.

Artistic Voice and Imagery:
This line was priceless:

"Nothing had prepared him for the sight of his eight-month pregnant wife writhing bloody at his feet. His fist had flattened her nose." He must have felt totally terrible at that instant.

Grammar
No errors were observed.


Suggestions:
The larger font would make this easier to read. You might want to explain why HE was dazed since SHE got decked!

Thank you for sharing your poem. Write On!

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159
159
Review of Weathering Time  
Review by Sherasi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I found your poem on Read & Review. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
This made me think of eternal forces in a slow inexorable movement, grinding mountains, indeed. I felt an awesome power in this short poem. Very interesting.

Artistic Voice and Imagery:
"Ground in ancient winds
Baked by ten million suns"

these phrases were a demonstration of the forces of nature. It was very well written.


Grammar
No errors noted.


Suggestions:

I see no room for improvement.


Thank you for sharing your poem. Write On!

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160
160
Review of Anticipation  
Review by Sherasi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I found your poem on Read & Review. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
This was a fascinating style of writing, I might have to try it myself! I didn't actually "get" your meaning of these words, but they seemed playful and amusing. It was fun to say even not understanding it.

Artistic Voice and Imagery:
"Avian antics observed in the yard,
Awaiting action beneath the grass."
This is just a cool combination of sounds and words. The imagery to me sounds like a playful wind or perhaps a Sylph taking liberties in fun.
(sylph
/silf/
noun
1.
an imaginary spirit of the air.

Grammar
no errors noted.


Suggestions:

I suggest finding a common theme and writing a little more detail and a bit less play. I had fun, but I know not with what!


Thank you for sharing your poem. Write On!

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161
161
Review of Party, Party.  
Review by Sherasi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I found your poem on Read & Review. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
This was an ironic little prose, demonstrating the huge problem of Political Correctness and how it changes the way we function with just a meaningless label, really. It was sad and I felt bad that we have to go through the motions finding reasons to NOT like someone.

Artistic Voice and Imagery:
This was a very simple conversation that spoke volumes about how people think today. Then, at the last, a free drink gets acceptance.

Grammar
no errors noted.


Suggestions:

I suggest a large font size to more easily read the work. Otherwise, the story was interesting and surprising.


Thank you for sharing your poem. Write On!

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162
162
Review of “I’M SORRY”  
Review by Sherasi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I found your poem on Read & Review. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
This is a profound poem, to my way of thinking because, I also have the habit of apologizing frequently and to little real meaning. It is a sort of social bandaid that does little to protect and much to harm. Logically, I know it is only palliative with no real depth, but it comforts me to do it.

Artistic Voice and Imagery:

"When the person spoken to
Knows these are just a sham,
To the words and their owner,
He does not give a damn."

This struck me because it is so true. I have been making an effort to think more and apologize less.

Grammar

I found no errors.


Suggestions:

I have no suggestions at this time. I just realized this was written 13 years ago! Oops


Thank you for sharing your poem. Write On!

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163
163
Review by Sherasi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I found your poem on Read & Review. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:

Initially, I was thinking that the statue had the 'right' of it.. winning the longevity wars. But, as I recalled my student years, I recalled that the marble statuary is in a dire way since the rains coupled with pollution are making an acid that is washing away the marble in tiny increments.

Artistic Voice and Imagery:

This, as I thought more on it, was ironic because both the living and the non-living will eventually pass into oblivion. The world continues, evolves, and overtakes each successive civilization until only remnants of each society remain.

I like this part:

"The soul of the soul-less statue
Mocks and smiles at me."

Isn't that what Mother Nature does each successive year and millennia?

Grammar

I saw no errors.


Suggestions:

I was recently turned on to the idea of using a larger font so readers can better enjoy the work. I believe this would be good advice to you also. :)


Thank you for sharing your poem. Write On!

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164
164
Review by Sherasi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I found your poem on Read & Review. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
I read a story that shows the vulnerability of young girls when faced with an attractive prospective mate (girlfriend/boyfriend). This is a universal truth that young humans will often get in over their heads faster than they can process.

Artistic Voice and Imagery:
Right away your words exemplify the sorrow and helplessness of your character.

"Silent dew drops fall outside
As I sit through the night;
And so do tears in my eyes
To hold which I can’t fight."
This was a very nicely written excerpt, it sets the tone for the whole piece.

Grammar
I saw no grammatical errors.


Suggestions:
I would suggest using a larger font so the reader doesn't have to peer closely at the words. :) I have been recently turned on to this feature myself as a new 'wordsmith' in the works.


Thank you for sharing your poem. Write On!

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165
165
Review of My cheerleader  
Review by Sherasi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I found your poem on Read & Review. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
The emotional implications for this text were immediately apparent. A writer is having emotional turmoil about her work. Her friend, who she admires very much, encourages her to continue to write.

Artistic Voice and Imagery:
This piece is well-written because it lays out the fears all new writers have... is my work good enough, is it worth reading, is it worth my time to write it! Your words flow ideas well, following one thought to another.

Grammar
I saw no errors.


Suggestions:
Perhaps you could write in a larger font. I myself just got turned onto this feature a couple of days ago, as I am also a new 'wordsmith'. I noticed this makes the reading easier.


Thank you for sharing your poem. Write On!

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166
166
Review of PopRocks  
Review by Sherasi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I found your poem on Read & Review. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
Hi! Welcome to Writing.com, it's nice to see you. If you don't mind I'll critique your piece. The overall impression I have is a group of students living in dorms that need to cooperate and follow set rules. Of course, as in the manner of many things, someone does NOT follow the rules. This leads to bigger problems than simply not following the rules.

Artistic Voice and Imagery:
Your characterization of the people in the short piece was well done. You have the Oblivious Student, then you have the Scolding Authority Figure and the rest of the cast of characters chime in their own opinions as the reading continues.


Suggestions:
First of all, to make it easier to read, make the font larger. You do this by looking at the row of sizes on the above menu. B for bold, I for Italic, U for underline, etc. Follow the menu to the right and you will see a box with SSS in it. Choose the size when you press the buttom with your mouse and the drop down menu shows up.

Also, your story would be easier to read if you grouped it into conversational sentences.

Example (This is a quote of your work):
"Crows cawed in the yard of the UA dormitory. Bread had been tossed into the yard and the crows were taking care of it for us. The only problem was it would attract more animals so whoever tossed out the bread wasn't obeying the rules. Food wasn't to be tossed into the yard since it would bring the animals.
"Which student tossed bread into the dorm's front lawn?!" the strict Tenya Iida scolded, his hands flying everywhere in a wild panic."

There should be an indent on this part of the text and all the way down on your words. (This is a revised example)

         "Crows cawed in the yard of the UA dormitory. The bread had been tossed into the yard and the crows were taking care of it for us. The only problem was it would attract more animals, so whoever tossed out the bread wasn't obeying the rules. Food wasn't to be tossed into the yard since it would bring the animals.
         "Which student tossed bread into the dorm's front lawn?!" the strict Tenya Iida scolded, his hands flying everywhere in a wild panic.
         "Eh." Katsuki Bakugo groaned, just coming down from his dorm room.
         "I think I may know..." Sero mumbled, his glance turning to the electric blonde Denki Kaminari.
"Hey!" Denki whined, like a young elementary grade child. "Why do you always rat me out?!"
         Sero whistles, rolling his eyes as if he didn't hear Denki's childish whines.
         Kaminari! Throwing food out onto the lawn is breaking the rules, you should respect our dorms. The lawn isn't your personal dumping ground doing disrespecting the dorms isn't heroic behaviors!" Iida lectures the whining blonde loudly.
         Kaminari as normal would probably make the same mistake within the next few days, he didn't seem to listen... or maybe didn't want to."


The reason I say this is, when your ideas and sentences are bunched together, it is harder for the reader to make sense of what is going on.

I liked what I read, it was a flowing continuous story, but a few more details added for background information would certainly be helpful. Your characters were all very individual which is great!

Thank you for sharing your poem. Write On!

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167
167
Review by Sherasi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I found your poem on Read & Review. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
I feel your distress and irritation at having to take so many medications. I, too, have those feelings about my own regimen.

Artistic Voice and Imagery:
You followed the rhyme well, but some of the word choices weren't ideal and didn't all flow well.

Grammar
no errors did I see.


Suggestions:
The word "schedule" is usually pronounced ske-jule not Sce-jew-wel which makes for awkward reading of the verse. This is, however, my opinion. I felt the subject was appropriate for the way you wrote it.

Thank you for sharing your poem. Write On!

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168
168
Review by Sherasi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I found your poem on Read & Review. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
From the restrictions placed on this free verse poem, you did very well. It is a searching sort of work seeking but not finding, desiring but not having.

Artistic Voice and Imagery:
The words were poignant to me, a sense of loss and regrets.


Suggestions:
The only suggestion I have is to use a larger font size since some of the words are so similar.


Thank you for sharing your poem. Write On!

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169
169
Review of a day in the rain  
Review by Sherasi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I found your poem on Read & Review. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
I had a lovely time reading this verse. The rain and water are always a wonder to me, so many forms so many qualities of cleansing, cleaning, tasting, etc. I feel the almost deep primal nature of what water is to all living things.

Artistic Voice and Imagery:
I really enjoyed some of your descriptions:

"the taste clear and salty on its way down my throat.
my blood calls out in a steady beat"

also

"My hair is a river down my back,
my feet are bare—my toes squelch
with mud and bruise the grass."

These are base emotional feelings and emotions dealing the most Nature in Her glory.

Grammar
"I smell the glow of spring", fascinating concepts put together in one verse.


Suggestions:
I think "Storm" or a similar word would sound better than "Thunderhead"... tighten up the image a bit and flow better.


Thank you for sharing your poem. Write On!

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170
170
Review of Gamblin' Fred  
Review by Sherasi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I found your poem on Read & Review. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
This is a cute ditty. Amusing to imagine him cheating with eyes on the back of his head. Only to lead to a errrr... DEAD end.

Artistic Voice and Imagery:
This was a simple poem yet the images are vivid without being specifically stated. I imagine the eyes peeking through the hair, peering at other people, guessing their intent. Then I visualize a wooden box with the booted feet sticking out the end. (rather grim, I know)

Grammar
I saw no grammar errors, though I did look up 'till" to make sure it was the correct version of the word... it was.


Suggestions:
I think that the second stanza would better sound with "WHO had eyes in THE back of his head" It seems to slot into the poem better. Was this a traditional style of a poem?


Thank you for sharing your poem. Write On!

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171
171
Review by Sherasi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I found your poem on Read & Review. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
This was a very powerful, emotional piece. You feel helpless and hopeless about the state of our country because of the political turmoil and your own ability to do anything at all about it. I was stirred by those feelings you shared because I feel exactly the same way. I don't watch the news, I am not politically active because of the viciousness I see and I don't want to be a part of something that volatile.

Artistic Voice and Imagery:
You were quite descriptive.
"The world they describe is vibrant and full. Joys, horrors, beauty, and pain."
and
"Without meaning and worth, the ensuing strife Drains me and draws me into a pit Of dense
darkness, in which I sit."
Powerful words that pull me along to read more. I didn't at first want to keep reading. Until I saw that part about 'ensuing strife drains', then I was hooked.


Suggestions:
I think you wrote well to describe your situation. The only real suggestion I have is to make it a bit tighter. What I mean is this:

#1 "Quickly arises a yearning for purpose" might make better flow if you say, "A yearning quickly arises for purpose". The original phrase stumbles when you read and say it.

#2 "Sitting in stillness, is a battle which is hard to be won." This is quite a difficult phrase to say and read., Perhaps you could say something like, "I sit in the stillness in a battle which yearns to be won."

Your entire poem is very deep, brooding, and full of messages. The nice thing about poetry is that you can write without all the filler words that make real sentences.

Example:
'The couple found a tiny town that had a safe place in a stable with a bed made of a manger where the laboring mother gave birth to her baby, thank goodness no one complained about the rude setting!'

can be spoken thus:

"A tiny town had a place
be it ever so humble
a manger was the birthplace
but no one would grumble"


Thank you for sharing your poem. If you do edit this, I would be happy to read this again. Write On!

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172
Review of Purity  
Review by Sherasi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I found your poem on Read & Review. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
This work immediately made me feel love and safe feelings. I felt protected.

Artistic Voice and Imagery:
The imagery was terrific in this short poem, "Colorful butterflies dance in golden sunbeams". You provided visual and auditory imagery that was perfect.


Suggestions:
I have no suggestions, this was written well.

Thank you for sharing your poem. Write On!

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173
173
Review of Out of Control  
Review by Sherasi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I found your poem on Read & Review. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
This was totally funny, caught in the act red-handed, he was. You can hear the consternation, indignation he is feeling... the changing moods as he works through the implications of his 'sin'.

Artistic Voice and Imagery:
I loved this line..."Uhh, Ma? About that box of jelly doughnuts..." talk about the whole thing in a nutshell!



Suggestions:
No suggestions, this was about perfect.

Thank you for sharing your poem. Write On!

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174
174
Review by Sherasi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I found your poem on Read & Review. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
I liked the upbeat attitude over overcoming adversity and trying again if there is a failure. "Life on Life's Terms" is a favorite saying of mine. This piece takes that accepting what comes at you to work at it again, is really positive type of statement.

Artistic Voice and Imagery:
It is a nice rhyming piece with a good solid impact.


Suggestions:
I have no suggestions your work stands for itself.

Thank you for sharing your poem. Write On!

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175
175
Review of Golden Breeze  
Review by Sherasi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I found your poem on Read & Review. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
my overall impression was a light-hearted declaration of love, the font lends well to this romantic piece.

Artistic Voice and Imagery:
I like the rhyming and the easily read verses. I like the "feather light wind" and the "golden breeze". It is a pleasure to read and I found no harsh or rough areas.


Suggestions:
I have no suggestions, this was a well-written poem.

Thank you for sharing your poem. Write On!

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