This is such a sweet and heartfelt story that anyone with children can relate to. The emotions are easily felt and your word choices work very well. It's amazing how many different feelings a mother can feel at this moment, and you capture them all.
You did a great job at describing such an intimate, loving moment that can change a person's life forever.
I noticed no grammar or spelling mistakes in this story.
Thank you for sharing your work with us and welcome to WDC!
You have a great opening. It catched the readers attention and makes them want to continue to story.
CHARACTER/SETTING
You have some really interesting characters here. They are well thought out and each has their very own distict personality. You have done well setting up the conflict, though I would have liked a little more description of the setting.
GRAMMAR ECT.
There are quite a few grammar and punctuation mistakes. Below I list the ones I have found in the first half.
In the last sentence of the first paragraph a comma is needed after "Nevertheless".
The second paragraph needs a little work. The first sentence is very passive. I might suggest starting it out with the blonde girl and add in that her friends are there through her dialogue.
The priest stared stupefied into the face of the blond woman. She had long blond hair, blue eyes,... The use of the word "blonde" twice is repetative. I would suggest deleting one of them. Also, you call her a woman here and a girl earlier. I would try to stick to one or the other so the reader can get a sense of who she is.
Besides, it's only natural that people find it odd that you're a lesbian“ Missing end punctuation.
"Yeah, most guys would kill themselves, especially in the bar when they realise that all their drinks have been wasted” the guy added. Missing punctuation after the dialogue.
“Ha-ha, very funny Guy” she replied punching Guy's shoulder playfully, but she got off the priest and walked away with her friends. Missing punctuation after the dialogue.
“You know Rose; you get way too worked up about this whole priest/lesbian thing. What's your problem?” she asked her friend, puzzled. You don't need the word "puzzled".
Aurora, they're the reason that being a lesbian is deemed wrong! If it weren't for them people wouldn't stare at me so often.” She replied to her friend. You need to change the period to a comma after the dialogue and "She" should be lowercase.
“No… the reason the priests and all the other guys stop and stare is that they can't believe that they will never have a chance to get laid with you…” Get rid of the first set of ellipsis and replace with a comma.
OVERALL
For the most part, this chapter was written very passively, which slowed it down quite a bit. I would suggest giving it an active voice, which would move the story along and also engage the reader more.
I found this a very sweet, hearfelt poem about what love means to you. You have a wonderful way with words and the emotion come through each line. It flows well and has a very nice rhythm.
I found no mistakes in spelling or grammar and the rhyme scheme worked very well.
You have a wonderfully descriptive poem here. The imagery is really beautiful.
When I first read line four, I thought There might be a slight contradiction between "light fading" and "before dawn", but as I continued I felt that you were speaking of the stars fading as daylight came.
There were no grammar or spelling mistakes noticed and I found the poem to flow quite well.
Overall, I think this is a beautiful abstract poem.
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PERSONAL VIEWS
You can definitely feel the anger and pain dripping from every word. This is so heartwrenching, no child should ever feel that their parent doesn't love them and want them.
There is really no rhyme scheme, but that doesn't hinder the flow at all. I think the emotion in this is what makes it a good, and important piece.
Thank you for sharing your work with us, and welcome to WDC!
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PERSONAL VIEWS
I found this to be a very beautifully written poem. Your descriptions are wonderful, I could easily visualize the scene. I found the flow soft and smooth, and the layout done very well.
Thank you for sharing your work with us, and welcome to WDC!
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PERSONAL VIEWS
The story in this poem is interesting and there is a very somber tone to it. You're descriptions of the diary are done very well.
TECHNICALITIES (rhyme ect..)
This really didn't have any discernable pattern or rhyme, which did make it a little difficult to read. I think the poem would benefit from a little rearranging.
OVERALL
I think this might actually work better as a story, once it's fleshed out more.
Thank you for sharing your work with us, and welcome to WDC!
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PERSONAL VIEWS
I found this to be a very interesting view on your choice of a god. I do wonder, however, if this person is a god, why they would need our help or their tears wiped...
TECHNICALITIES (rhyme ect..)
The rhyme is good and the flow constant, though I did find a typo in the last line of the fourth stanza.
OVERALL
This is a fun little poem and for the most part I found it to be nonsensical piece, that is until the last lines. There is great meaning and thought in them that everyone should listen to.
Thank you for sharing your work with us, and welcome to WDC!
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PERSONAL VIEWS
I think you did an amazing job with the description. This scene is easily visualized. It reads more of a prologue, though, something that might start a story but falls a little short of being a chapter.
There were no spelling or grammar mistakes noticed. And I do think you have a good beginning.
Thank you for sharing your work with us, and welcome to WDC!
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PERSONAL VIEWS
I think this is a cute little poem about meeting a guy and the feelings that come with that.
TECHNICALITIES (rhyme ect..)
For the most part there is a good rhythm, but it parts the rhyme sceme doesn't follow the rest and it does hinder the flow a bit. The last line seems a little forced, as if you had to add it to finish off the poem.
OVERALL
Overall, I thought this was a nice poem and it was enjoyable to read.
Thank you for sharing your work with us, and welcome to WDC!
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PERSONAL VIEWS
It would have liked this to be more fleshed out. To know the reasons behind the action instead of just being told. This reads as a single scene to me, something taken out of a bigger, more indepth story.
There were no spelling or grammar mistakes noticed, however a little more description would have been nice.
Thank you for sharing your work with us, and welcome to WDC!
I am assuming this is for the 55 word contest, so I will review it as such.
You did a great job is so few words, the scene was easy to visualize, though I'm not quite sure about the needle. I first thought she might be at the dentist, but then why would her dentist caress her lips with his tongue...though I am sure it has happened before .
I found no grammar or spelling mistakes, though some of the sentences do read a little choppy.
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This is a review of your chapter posted in "Invalid Item" .
I think you did a good job at keeping the words and statements simple and have just enough information for a child to be interested in. I do, however, wonder what age group you intend this for. From reading the beginning of this chapter I assumed maybe seven or eight, but as it coninued the words and meaning seemed for a little older, maybe ten or eleven. I think having consistancy in this is very important in a children's book.
The plot itself sounds interesting, and you have introduced the main characters well.
There was only one typo noticed in the last sentence of the first paragraph. The word "Theres" is missing an apostrophe.
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This is a review of your chapter posted in "Invalid Item" . Please note that all comments are my opinion and mine alone. Take what may help and leave the rest.
This is a very short prologue that gives the reader a little insight into the characters and their personalities. We learn about Winter and William, and of course Alexis, who passed the test, but really this is all we know so far. There is very little description or foreshadowing to actually what is going to happen or what had happened to bring everyone to this point.
I think this needs to be expanded a bit. Maybe a little more background as to what is going on and who these people are and why it is so important for someone to pass the test, and why it is so difficult for a woman to do so.
A few punctuations problems were noticed.
“I don't know, maybe you should ask that Murphy guy who said 'if any thing can go wrong, it will'” Billy redirected us again. Missing a period after will.
“One's better than none, tell us about him, or her” he added, glancing at his partner, one of the first females to pass in North America. Missing a comma after her.
“Her” I pushed a button and sent them her file. “She scored close to perfect on both the academic and the physical testing.” Missing a period after Her.
“I didn't think that was possible” he somehow made it a question. Missing a period after possible.
“Her father is from Mexico, so she's bi-lingual” Missing a period at the end.
“Will do, and while he's at it. Aryn needs a ride back.” Billy nodded again.. Needs a comma instead of a period after it.
“By the way, what's this kid's name? Missing end quotes.
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I'm not quite sure how to take this. It's neither poem nor story. It doesn't have a plot or a situation that must be overcome. It's a scene of two people, and we are not really even sure who these people are, and I am assuming they are making an apple pie.
I think for the reader to care whether one actually loved another we must first know the characters, which we don't. There is nothing for the reader to hold on to.
As for reviewing what is here, you have a great way with dialogue. It's clear and concise, and it moves the scene along nicely. Each character has a distinctive voice and the dialogue is easy to follow.
Thank you for sharing your work with us, and welcome to WDC!
I really like the first line. It draws the reader in and immediately piques their interest. The only thing I noticed in the first few paragraphs is that there is a lot of description clumped together. It also seems there is a lack of emotion to finding the body. It's as if it is found every day. Start with her reaction and then add the description along the way.
CHARACTERS
I think you have a start for some very interesting characteres. We know a little, though not a lot about them.
SETTING
You described the setting in great detail, almost too much as it does seem to overshadow the story some.
DIALOGUE
The dialogue flowed very well and felt natural.
GRAMMAR/SPELLING
There were no spelling or grammar mistakes noticed.
THE ENDING
The ending worked well, and leaves the reader wondering what will happen next.
OVERALL
I think with a little tighten up, and less passive voice, this could be a very good first chapter. Also, doing this in first person might prove a little difficult later on since by doing this you cannot get into the heads of the other characters. You might want to watch out for spots where the narrator is talking directly to the reader. This pulls the reader out of the illusion you are creating and can be very distracting.
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PERSONAL VIEWS
You have amazing descriptions in the piece. The imagery is very vivid and you paint a wonderful picture for the reader. The give and take comparisons worked very well in giving a whole picture of what is going on. The poem flowed well, and unlike a lot of poems it told a complete story. There were no grammar or spelling mistakes noticed.
Thank you for sharing your work with us, and welcome to WDC!
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PERSONAL VIEWS
I will have to say that not many things I read actually bring tears to my eyes, but this one did. My father and two of my brothers were in the military, and I know the feeling all to well of what it means when officers visit the house.
This is beautifully written and a wonderful tribute.
Thank you for sharing your work with us, and welcome to WDC!
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PERSONAL VIEWS
I think you did a great job of showing the commercialization of Christmas and how its true meaning is lost through the hunt for material posessions. The poem flows well, and the rhyme scheme works well to move this poem along.
There were no spelling or grammar mistakes noticed.
Thank you for sharing your work with us, and welcome to WDC!
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PERSONAL VIEWS
You did a great job of keeping the pace and rhythm of this poem, but I noticed that there quite a few repetative words used and is distracts from the poem and disrupts the flow of the piece. While I know it can be difficult to rhyme in poetry, I would suggest finding other words that mean the same as your message to make this a smoother, more enjoyable read.
Thank you for sharing your work with us, and welcome to WDC!
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PERSONAL VIEWS
A lot of people are interested in reading about the trials and tribulation of others and as I read this, I could see the interest quickly. While I applaud the message behind this introduction, anyone that has ever dealt with or known a person with a disability will understand, I found that it needs quite a bit of editing.
There are quite a few grammar and spelling mistakes that do distract from the piece itself and can be fixed with a quick edit.
Thank you for sharing your work with us, and welcome to WDC!
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PERSONAL VIEWS
There is such a sad tone to this piece. The hurt and pain come through well, and the fast pace and rhyme worked to add that extra punch to his poem. The sense of fear and hurried tone spoke to wanting to get away as fast as possible.
There were no spelling or grammar mistakes noticed.
Thank you for sharing your work with us, and welcome to WDC!
You did a wonderful job describing a new mother's feelings about her new baby. You capture this emotions/emotions very well. The imagery of her sitting there rocking her baby is wonderful. There was a very 'real' feeling about this poem.
TECHNICALITIES (rhyme ect..)
This poem had good flow and pacing, and I didn't notice any grammar or spelling mistakes.
I decided to review this poem because it was written differently from the others I have viewed in your port. There seems to be a slight bit more forcing of words and phrases as you try to get the lines to rhyme, which does distract a little from the imagery.
TECHNICALITIES (rhyme ect..)
In a few of the stanzas, the rhyme is off, and it does effect the ability for the reader to really appreciate the emotions behind the words.
OVERALL
I think this a very good poem that could be really great with a little tweaking of the rhymes.
Thank you for sharing your work with us.
~ Vikki ~
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