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 Well, not so much fun and leisure as...get some damn writing done, you fool! |
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A while ago, I attended a writers' workshop and the lady who hosted it told us all to go away with this bit of advice - to write for just ten minutes a day. I was determined to go ahead with it and I did...for two days. So today I remembered that I'd resolved to do so and I whipped out my journal and wrote for fifteen minutes. I'm typing out pretty much the same thing that I wrote earlier, with some differences. I find I can go a lot more in-depth when I'm typing than when I'm writing by hand. Writing by hand is such a chore! I've struggled with loneliness a lot throughout my twenty-nine years. I struggled with it when I was the only one home with my mum when I was a teen and everybody else had other places to be. I struggled with it after marriage and when we moved into our own house for the first time. I struggled with it after my son was born and I felt torn between pursuing my writing and being a good mum, because my culture seems to indicate that a woman has absolutely no chance of living her own life - or at least, she has no chance of attaining any goals she hasn't already attained - once she has children. I feel it occasionally still, even though I get so little time to myself nowadays that any alone time is simply awesome. I've tried to come to terms with the idea that being alone isn't a bad thing - and a lot of the time, it isn't. My friends don't live nearby so I don't get to see them often, and even when I do, I feel like there isn't much depth to our conversations. I'm surrounded by people who do not think like me, who do not share any of my interests and hobbies. I feel like I've become desensitised to isolation. Loneliness is my preferred way to be. I walked into my college cafeteria at lunch today and it was the usual hubbub of activity. Youngsters walking around, chatting animatedly, shouting across the room, laughing, eating, socialising. I could recall how that clamour wouldn't have bothered me ten-twelve years ago, when I would have been one of the youngsters talking excitedly with her friends. But, as this moment, I just found an out-of-the-way little table and sat down. I watched the crowds for a while, wondering why it was only at moments like these that the sense of isolation became so strong. In the middle of a crowd, I feel most alone. |
| 17:47 I'm making pasta at the moment, and then I will feed the little one and put him to bed. Freedom at last! I had college today. I'm still not sure I should have bothered. My back has been hurting all day- it probably has something to do with the fact that I spent a couple of hours stooped over my sewing machine, finishing up a project I started weeks ago. I'm so lazy. I had a one-to-one with my tutor and mentioned that I'm becoming quite disillusioned by people, which includes my classmates. I find groups of people boring. Maybe that's because I'm usually on the outside and make absolutely no effort to fit in. I don't mind that anymore. The subjects people seem to discuss is always the usual boring smalltalk - complaints about a certain person at work. Complaints about the way our teacher is teaching us. Maybe something about the weather, since it is UK after all. I get that we're all peers and some of them feel comfortable sharing that sort of stuff, but it's always like that! I don't mind having deeper discussions with people, particularly if I've known them for a couple years. There shouldn't be anything stopping a bunch of counselling students from having those deeper, more meaningful discussions. But I guess I still haven't gotten the hang of talking to people because I don't know how to initiate such conversations. I like when the group is small, when some people don't turn up. I feel I can talk more openly then. I mentioned to them some months back that I would think it a shame if we didn't all stay in touch after the course ends, since we've all been on a journey of self-discovery together and there aren't many people you could do that with in everyday life. Looking back on it now, I have to say I don't feel the same way. I fully expect that I will lose all interest in my fellow students. Time: 18:04 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
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