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 Well, not so much fun and leisure as...get some damn writing done, you fool! |
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A while ago, I attended a writers' workshop and the lady who hosted it told us all to go away with this bit of advice - to write for just ten minutes a day. I was determined to go ahead with it and I did...for two days. So today I remembered that I'd resolved to do so and I whipped out my journal and wrote for fifteen minutes. I'm typing out pretty much the same thing that I wrote earlier, with some differences. I find I can go a lot more in-depth when I'm typing than when I'm writing by hand. Writing by hand is such a chore! I've struggled with loneliness a lot throughout my twenty-nine years. I struggled with it when I was the only one home with my mum when I was a teen and everybody else had other places to be. I struggled with it after marriage and when we moved into our own house for the first time. I struggled with it after my son was born and I felt torn between pursuing my writing and being a good mum, because my culture seems to indicate that a woman has absolutely no chance of living her own life - or at least, she has no chance of attaining any goals she hasn't already attained - once she has children. I feel it occasionally still, even though I get so little time to myself nowadays that any alone time is simply awesome. I've tried to come to terms with the idea that being alone isn't a bad thing - and a lot of the time, it isn't. My friends don't live nearby so I don't get to see them often, and even when I do, I feel like there isn't much depth to our conversations. I'm surrounded by people who do not think like me, who do not share any of my interests and hobbies. I feel like I've become desensitised to isolation. Loneliness is my preferred way to be. I walked into my college cafeteria at lunch today and it was the usual hubbub of activity. Youngsters walking around, chatting animatedly, shouting across the room, laughing, eating, socialising. I could recall how that clamour wouldn't have bothered me ten-twelve years ago, when I would have been one of the youngsters talking excitedly with her friends. But, as this moment, I just found an out-of-the-way little table and sat down. I watched the crowds for a while, wondering why it was only at moments like these that the sense of isolation became so strong. In the middle of a crowd, I feel most alone. |
| 21:59 It's not been a very good day today, in terms of...everything, really. I missed my morning prayer because I'm a lazy lump and turned off my alarm so I could sleep in an extra five minutes. I was late getting my son to the childminder's. My counselling skills session in college (in which I was pretending to be a counsellor) absolutely sucked. I had lunch by myself (which isn't that unusual but it's what I talked about when it was my turn to be the "client" for someone else's skills session). I was reminded again of how perverse psychotherapy theories and theorists can seem if you haven't studied them. I was reminded a few times that I need to stop fidgeting in lesson (in a good-natured, laughing-with-you-not-at-you kind of way). I had an ice lolly on the walk home (bad idea for my throat). I gave my son an ice lolly on the way home (VERY bad idea, since he's just like me and this kind of stuff has an immediate effect). I wanted to relax but then had to bathe my son since he peed in his pants (I'm trying, unsuccessfully, to potty train him) - not good for my back! I watched a bit of Netflix over dinner and felt guilty for it. I did my languages in the same half-assed way I do them every day. I started on some work and finished it (yay! Finally, something good!) And I have yet to finish my college assignment, which is due before midnight tonight T_T I had a fanfiction idea but I don't think I'll get time to make a start on it since I need to finish my assignment. Oh, and I had another of those ice lollies while sitting at the computer. Bad Shiki! I need better snacks, dammit! This hasn't been much of a blog entry. Speaking of blog entries, I've decided to try out the 30 Day Blogging Challenge! Let's see how that goes! Because I clearly don't have enough on my plate and need to use up my abundance of free time somehow! ANyways, of course I did check a message while writing, but it has been fourteen mins. I think I did ok! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 12:04 I haven't made my checklist yet but, with this blog entry done, I'll have two items crossed off. I'm slowly starting to get back into my routine (at least I hope I am!) It's been a slow morning. I rang the vet since Dean has an appointment (he needs his jabs, the little fleabag!) to confirm whether they would be coming here. I am 99.9% certain that the chap I was on the phone with when I booked the appointment said they do home visits for kittens under three months or something. I'm sure I asked whether I'd heard right at that point and he said yes, they do home visits. But the guy who answered today said they don't - that home visits have to be specifically requested. Now I have a problem. The appointment is going to be after my husband will have left for work so no car. I'm going to have to bug my sister for a lift. The poor lass will barely get time to sit down after coming home from work. Ah, I feel so bad. But what to do? The fleabag needs his jabs after all. If the pet carrier fits in the bottom of the pushchair, I could take him like that. My son will love it, seeing all the animals at the vets (I'm assuming there will be some since after school is when they're busiest, according to Google). I haven't written a thing for several days. I feel awful. Even the fanfiction I started to write has been left by the wayside. I haven't touched the Elementals either. It's a struggle just to remember all the other things I need to do in a day! I still have my assignment to complete, which is really grating on my nerves. Well, not really. But I did get a previous assignment back with some comments on what I need to do to change it so it meets the criteria. I hated that assignment! I hated it - and still hate it - with a vengeance! It's based on finding our own research and I have never done anything like that before so I didn't do too well. I just wanted to get it over and done with so I would never have to look at it again. But now I have to! ARGH! 12:18 - I had to take another break to wipe Dean's butt since he tends to trail poop everywhere after using the litter tray. He can be such a pest! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 11:44 It's certainly started off as a slow day. I have somewhere to be in a couple of hours and whenever that happens, I'm usually counting down till that moment, which is a huge waste of time! I sit around and do nothing for that entire time, thinking there's no point. I really need a lesson in time management. ...And as seems to be the case recently, I took a break between writing this to deal with the kitten. He's driving me nuts! I feel like I made a mistake sometimes, but it is nice having him around. My son is slowly starting to become accustomed to him. This morning especially, he's been playing with the kitty. I feel like I'm always at wit's end when dealing with both of them. I start shouting easily, even though I know it's stupid and neither of them understands what the hell I'm on about. I guess I need anger management too! Writing isn't going too well. I thought, just to get back into the habit, I'd try writing some fanfiction, but the plan hasn't worked. I have spent so long writing fanfiction that it should come easily, but it doesn't anymore. Maybe that's because I'm not as interested in anime as I used to be. I have my own characters and they mean more to me now than someone else's. ...And another break later, I'm wondering what to write about. Although it's been sixteen mins since I started writing, I don't think I've written for ten minutes. I'm still tired. I want to stay home. I want to get on with my assignment which is due in two days. I want to sleep! But it seems I won't get to do any of this until we return home and my son is in bed. And then Dean annoys me. At least I'll get a break from him while we're out! I don't know if I've done ten minutes of writing yet, but I'm going to stop there. It's 12:04. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 23:17 My routine is really off-course today. I had a dinner to go to last night and didn't get home till nearly 01:00. My little one had to sleepover at my mum's. You can bet my parents weren't happy! So with that weighing on my mind, I tried to get ready as quickly as possible so I could go over, since Saturdays are usually family meet-up days. While at my parents', I went over to attend a local community vigil for the Easter attacks in Sri Lanka. I really like it when, generally speaking, the different groups in my community have cause for getting together but it's just sad that something atrocious has to happen for us to do so and show our support for one another. Like one guy I saw there said, it won't be the last time we meet like this. Isn't is just disheartening when people are convinced that atrocities will continue to bring us together? I have so little faith in humanity as a whole. Anyways, moving on to less soul-crushing subjects. I still haven't had enough sleep. I'm so tired now but I've only just gotten onto the computer. The prompt I was working on, which should have been finished last night, did not get even close to finished. I've decided that that story idea is the one I'm going to use to write the short story for the Rockin' Reviewers short story contest thing. There's a poetry contest for that group too and I've already started my entry. I don't know why but it ended up being about love and romance. I thought so hard about what I wanted the subject matter to be and that's what came out. What on earth! As if watching sappy movies and Kdramas, reading shoujo manga, and writing the odd sappy story wasn't bad enough, now I'm starting to write poems on the subject! I don't actually believe in romance - at least, not the TV kind of "true love". I think it's a load of s***e. It seems it's an ideal people will break lifelong marriages for, as if "love" has to have a very specific definition. It's a feeling like any other. It truly does not warrant poems being written about it. I mean, I don't see people writing poems about anger and rage - well, not to the extent they write about love, in any case! Or like...sadness. I mean, there are poems about loss, but aren't those usually about loved ones who've gone? I could be wrong - maybe there are lots of poems about general sadness and loneliness - but I haven't read any. Which isn't saying much, since I actually don't read a whole lot of poetry. Went off on a bit of a tangent there. I don't even know if it makes sense (I'm certainly not inclined to go back and look over it right now to make sure it does since I'm half asleep) but I did get my ten mins (and more!) I don't know if I want to sleep or if I should do something creative. I have a damn essay to reference too! Dammit. 23:37 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 09:17 I woke up at 6am today. I have no idea why, particularly since I went to sleep at like half one. That's not nearly enough sleep, and I need to catch up from yesterday's rest being cut short too. Ever since Dean's arrived, my sleeping patterns have been even more inconsistent than they were before. I had to kick him out of my room last night - he was so energetic and kept wanting to play and tried to make a swipe for my face when I was trying to sleep. The little idiot. My husband returned from work and Dean just sat bolt upright - he's still a bit wary of my husband. Dean had previously been lying on my lap, content to just chill out there while I was on the computer. He obviously became very alert and energised when he heard my husband clomping up the stairs. After that, he just would not settle. What a pain in the ass! I've found that I'm very irked by other people - or creatures - being around me constantly. I recall my first blog entry, where I wrote about isolation and loneliness. It's odd, isn't it? In a crowd, that feeling of being all alone is so prominent, but when I'm alone, I am most comfortable. I often fantasise about pulling a Henry (from The Time Traveller's Wife) and time travelling back to past or future versions of myself. I sometimes think I could be the very best friend that I could ever want but at other times, I reckon even in those situations, I'd still treat my other self as an individual separate from me. I'd still be awkward and polite and very ill at ease. It takes ages for me to make friends. I convey myself well through writing but I'm nowhere near as well-spoken IRL. I'm starting to cut myself some slack and show myself some of the basic decency that comes so naturally where other people are concerned, but it's a pretty long road and I have very short legs. 09:31 I'm getting better at not looking at the clock while I write! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 21:30 I'm feeling so lazy. I can't get my head into gear. My checklist has been neglected today too, though I've done the basic everyday tasks which I usually have on there. Well, only one of them. I've done the languages. I'm so halfhearted with learning them. I'm progressing in Japanese because I have a face-to-face tutor for it, but the others are quite challenging. Maybe "challenging" is too strong a word for Italian - the words and word order is simple enough. I guess I just need to be more consistent with it. My main goal for every day is to hit my target and make the little circle in the corner of the app go from blank grey to yellow, which isn't a very good goal if you ask me. I'm learning Korean too and I'm not doing very well with it. Because I'm lazy and can't be bothered to thoroughly read the choice for every question I'm given, I seek shortcuts like selecting the answer which has the first few letters that look familiar. I have to push myself more. But pushing myself has always been quite difficult. Nobody ever encouraged me to do the things that I want to do. I hate to sound whiny and angsty but it is true. Anything I chose to do was a waste of time to my parents, who wanted me to be someone "respectable", like a doctor or teacher or nurse. It's too bad that the more they kept at me to do my schoolwork, the more I ran away from it. Dear, dear, how did I get onto such an awful subject? I think for a long time, I felt bitter towards my parents whenever I started thinking about it, but ever since I began studying counselling (or maybe since I first received counselling), I've come to terms with it. I'm still a good person who can make sound judgements, at least where they concern myself. I'm not damaged to a point where I can never be a decently-functioning person who contributes to society in some small way. I can take steps to right the wrongs that I once might have seen in my past. I am my own boss - to sort myself out, I can try to do what needs to be done to straighten out my immense flaws. My parents can't take the fall for that - in their own traditional way, they tried to raise me as best they could. None of us can see the future - we can't tell how our actions will hurt or hinder another - but we can try to make something worthwhile of our present so that we have no regrets later on. 21:45 Not bad! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 23:25 I haven't been keeping to a checklist since...Monday, I think. I still try to do some stuff on there, but it feels like I'm being too sloppy with times and pushing things aside for later. In my defense, Dean's arrival has sort of thrown everything off-kilter, but I'm doing my basics - my language learning, updating my blog, and...urm...writing my story. Well, looking at my story at least. I've lost all hope that I'll get 8000 words by Friday. I'm just feeling generally lazy. Dean has gotten used to me, it seems. A bit too used to me, if you ask me. I had dinner while watching Netflix and I stayed sitting down for quite a while after I'd finished. He curled up on my lap and fell asleep. I think it'll take me a few more days yet to get into some kind of routine. I had my first day back at college after the holidays yesterday and I realised I could use this blog as a journal, since we have to keep one to help with assignments towards the end of the course. So here I go. I keep telling people - and myself - I'm getting bored of the course, but I'm not. I'm certainly getting bored of being told I need to find a placement, as if I haven't tried looking. I have given up though, so I need to get myself off my lazy behind and send out some more applications. I'm bored of assignments too, but every course requires you to show whether you've understood the subject matter so there isn't much I can do about that. I guess my main problem there is that reading books that aren't on the syllabus but recommended by the tutor is boring. I don't like reading non-fiction books. I can't focus at all. So when it comes to referencing for my assignments, I leaf through these books to look for quotes that are relevant to the questions being asked. That is what makes assignment work so mind-numbing for me. What a pain. But I chose to go back into education so I'm going to stick with it. I want to stay in education so maybe after my course is over, I can look into studying something else. I have no idea what it'll be yet though. Something science-related? I've always wanted to try my hand at being a florist. Maybe that's something to look into. But I want to do something that will make me use my brain - the place up there needs a new lease of life. It needs a clear-out and an airing out. It doesn't get used enough. Wow, nineteen minutes! I did spend a few of those playing with Dean and getting him out from behind the curtains. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 20:51 I finally got my kitten last night. Returned home past midnight because of this little fella, which is a bad idea when one has a small child who needs to go to nursery in the morning. And when one has college to attend too. As it was, both my son and I were late in attending our respective educational establishments. Well, I was late fifteen minutes. He has was late by like three hours, thanks to my husband being so laidback about the whole thing. Psh, who cares about trying to adhere to the time you're expected to be at a place? Anyway, I've not been doing much writing these past two days. I might have opened up the Word document with my Elementals short story yesterday around the time I wrote my last entry, but I didn't do much writing. I'm still not getting a clear picture of the storyline. Plus, my mentor has said he can't commit to the prompt so I've sort of lost interest too. I mean, I will try my best to continue - it seems a waste to just let this opportunity go past. I thought I had a thousand words but it's actually more like 900. I restarted writing too because I was completely stumped with the way it was going. I've tried to plan it out too but nothing comes to mind. Maybe I'm just not trying hard enough. I didn't get much sleep last night so I keep yawning. I've never had a cat before so I kept thinking Dean was going to come and claw my face off if I kept it at his level - I sleep on the floor, having been told it's good for the back. In any case, I knew my fears were quite ridiculous, but I couldn't help it, you know? Also, he was sleeping right on my duvet and I felt bad for moving around and disturbing him. It's been sixteen minutes but I've spent a fair amount of that time messing about with Dean so...:D ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 13:30 Isn't it awful when you're getting all excited for something to happen and then...when the moment comes, there's nothing? Nothing happens. You got excited for no reason. You got that weird and wonderful feeling of butterflies in the stomach for absolutely nothing. I've never owned a pet before so I guess I'm building it up in my head quite a lot that having a cat is going to be like having another child = albeit a child that is a little less reliant than a human child. I was on my way to get it, that's the problem. I got out of the house with the intention of coming back with a kitten. And what a gorgeous kitten it was! It was ginger and black/brown and white and...so amazing and adorable. I will of course be getting another one. I had a fallback, although I didn't know I had a fallback until a few minutes before setting off to get the ginger kitten. My friend's aunt and her daughter were giving kittens away and they didn't want to give their only boy away but they'd changed their minds since I'd last asked. I guess things worked out. The lady selling the ginger kitty said, while I was on my way, that she was out and wouldn't be home until a time when I couldn't come. So I thought I'd get the other kitten and then let the lady know that I didn't want the ginger anymore. She called me a time waster. I don't know if I should be offended or laugh. She said she'd be home all day and then tells me when I'm coming to get it that she's not there. The hypocrisy of some people, I tell you. ...I really should stop checking messages in between writing my blog. I get distracted and then I don't know how much time I spend. Anyways, my friend said she would deliver my kitten tonight so I'm anxiously waiting for that. Five and a bit hours to go. It's not too bad, I suppose. The wait is killing me though. I've been searching for a kitten for a few months now and now that one is almost in my hands, I'm getting very impatient. Including the time I took to message, that's nineteen minutes. I suppose I did ten mins...maybe. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 14:20 I thought I was doing well with my short story but I'm not. After just over a thousand words, I'm at a bit of a standstill. So I figured maybe I'm going about this all wrong. Although I don't like to base my novels around a single clear incident in my head - or rather, I don't like to force myself to do that but I will work with such moments if I get them, of course - with a short story, it's different. There is limited space to work with so the incident has to be made clear as soon as possible. So I'm thinking, it's about an Elemental and it's the story of how she became an Elemental so what incident could motivate her predecessor to choose her as an apprentice? It has to be something that shows her capability as a leader, or at least that she is willing to put her people's lives before her own. So how does an underdeveloped teenage girl (among people who have wings, she has yet to develop hers) show her compassion? What incident could motivate her to stick her neck out for others? One of the things I thought of was that she could be someone who is very kind, who gives in charity and is basically an all-round good Samaritan. But her character as a stoic and graceful older lady with an unbending will has already taken shape in my mind and I don't want to change that. I mean, I guess she could be kind and charitable even with that aloof persona but I think she'd come off more as a pacifist if she were a good Samaritan. If she likes helping people so much, why would she ever feel the need to hurt them? And she has to be able to hurt them because she's one of the main characters in an action-fantasy story. I don't know, I guess it still bears some thinking about. Eleven minutes! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
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