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 Well, not so much fun and leisure as...get some damn writing done, you fool! |
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A while ago, I attended a writers' workshop and the lady who hosted it told us all to go away with this bit of advice - to write for just ten minutes a day. I was determined to go ahead with it and I did...for two days. So today I remembered that I'd resolved to do so and I whipped out my journal and wrote for fifteen minutes. I'm typing out pretty much the same thing that I wrote earlier, with some differences. I find I can go a lot more in-depth when I'm typing than when I'm writing by hand. Writing by hand is such a chore! I've struggled with loneliness a lot throughout my twenty-nine years. I struggled with it when I was the only one home with my mum when I was a teen and everybody else had other places to be. I struggled with it after marriage and when we moved into our own house for the first time. I struggled with it after my son was born and I felt torn between pursuing my writing and being a good mum, because my culture seems to indicate that a woman has absolutely no chance of living her own life - or at least, she has no chance of attaining any goals she hasn't already attained - once she has children. I feel it occasionally still, even though I get so little time to myself nowadays that any alone time is simply awesome. I've tried to come to terms with the idea that being alone isn't a bad thing - and a lot of the time, it isn't. My friends don't live nearby so I don't get to see them often, and even when I do, I feel like there isn't much depth to our conversations. I'm surrounded by people who do not think like me, who do not share any of my interests and hobbies. I feel like I've become desensitised to isolation. Loneliness is my preferred way to be. I walked into my college cafeteria at lunch today and it was the usual hubbub of activity. Youngsters walking around, chatting animatedly, shouting across the room, laughing, eating, socialising. I could recall how that clamour wouldn't have bothered me ten-twelve years ago, when I would have been one of the youngsters talking excitedly with her friends. But, as this moment, I just found an out-of-the-way little table and sat down. I watched the crowds for a while, wondering why it was only at moments like these that the sense of isolation became so strong. In the middle of a crowd, I feel most alone. |
| 23:25 I haven't been keeping to a checklist since...Monday, I think. I still try to do some stuff on there, but it feels like I'm being too sloppy with times and pushing things aside for later. In my defense, Dean's arrival has sort of thrown everything off-kilter, but I'm doing my basics - my language learning, updating my blog, and...urm...writing my story. Well, looking at my story at least. I've lost all hope that I'll get 8000 words by Friday. I'm just feeling generally lazy. Dean has gotten used to me, it seems. A bit too used to me, if you ask me. I had dinner while watching Netflix and I stayed sitting down for quite a while after I'd finished. He curled up on my lap and fell asleep. I think it'll take me a few more days yet to get into some kind of routine. I had my first day back at college after the holidays yesterday and I realised I could use this blog as a journal, since we have to keep one to help with assignments towards the end of the course. So here I go. I keep telling people - and myself - I'm getting bored of the course, but I'm not. I'm certainly getting bored of being told I need to find a placement, as if I haven't tried looking. I have given up though, so I need to get myself off my lazy behind and send out some more applications. I'm bored of assignments too, but every course requires you to show whether you've understood the subject matter so there isn't much I can do about that. I guess my main problem there is that reading books that aren't on the syllabus but recommended by the tutor is boring. I don't like reading non-fiction books. I can't focus at all. So when it comes to referencing for my assignments, I leaf through these books to look for quotes that are relevant to the questions being asked. That is what makes assignment work so mind-numbing for me. What a pain. But I chose to go back into education so I'm going to stick with it. I want to stay in education so maybe after my course is over, I can look into studying something else. I have no idea what it'll be yet though. Something science-related? I've always wanted to try my hand at being a florist. Maybe that's something to look into. But I want to do something that will make me use my brain - the place up there needs a new lease of life. It needs a clear-out and an airing out. It doesn't get used enough. Wow, nineteen minutes! I did spend a few of those playing with Dean and getting him out from behind the curtains. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
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