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 Well, not so much fun and leisure as...get some damn writing done, you fool! |
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A while ago, I attended a writers' workshop and the lady who hosted it told us all to go away with this bit of advice - to write for just ten minutes a day. I was determined to go ahead with it and I did...for two days. So today I remembered that I'd resolved to do so and I whipped out my journal and wrote for fifteen minutes. I'm typing out pretty much the same thing that I wrote earlier, with some differences. I find I can go a lot more in-depth when I'm typing than when I'm writing by hand. Writing by hand is such a chore! I've struggled with loneliness a lot throughout my twenty-nine years. I struggled with it when I was the only one home with my mum when I was a teen and everybody else had other places to be. I struggled with it after marriage and when we moved into our own house for the first time. I struggled with it after my son was born and I felt torn between pursuing my writing and being a good mum, because my culture seems to indicate that a woman has absolutely no chance of living her own life - or at least, she has no chance of attaining any goals she hasn't already attained - once she has children. I feel it occasionally still, even though I get so little time to myself nowadays that any alone time is simply awesome. I've tried to come to terms with the idea that being alone isn't a bad thing - and a lot of the time, it isn't. My friends don't live nearby so I don't get to see them often, and even when I do, I feel like there isn't much depth to our conversations. I'm surrounded by people who do not think like me, who do not share any of my interests and hobbies. I feel like I've become desensitised to isolation. Loneliness is my preferred way to be. I walked into my college cafeteria at lunch today and it was the usual hubbub of activity. Youngsters walking around, chatting animatedly, shouting across the room, laughing, eating, socialising. I could recall how that clamour wouldn't have bothered me ten-twelve years ago, when I would have been one of the youngsters talking excitedly with her friends. But, as this moment, I just found an out-of-the-way little table and sat down. I watched the crowds for a while, wondering why it was only at moments like these that the sense of isolation became so strong. In the middle of a crowd, I feel most alone. |
| 09:17 I woke up at 6am today. I have no idea why, particularly since I went to sleep at like half one. That's not nearly enough sleep, and I need to catch up from yesterday's rest being cut short too. Ever since Dean's arrived, my sleeping patterns have been even more inconsistent than they were before. I had to kick him out of my room last night - he was so energetic and kept wanting to play and tried to make a swipe for my face when I was trying to sleep. The little idiot. My husband returned from work and Dean just sat bolt upright - he's still a bit wary of my husband. Dean had previously been lying on my lap, content to just chill out there while I was on the computer. He obviously became very alert and energised when he heard my husband clomping up the stairs. After that, he just would not settle. What a pain in the ass! I've found that I'm very irked by other people - or creatures - being around me constantly. I recall my first blog entry, where I wrote about isolation and loneliness. It's odd, isn't it? In a crowd, that feeling of being all alone is so prominent, but when I'm alone, I am most comfortable. I often fantasise about pulling a Henry (from The Time Traveller's Wife) and time travelling back to past or future versions of myself. I sometimes think I could be the very best friend that I could ever want but at other times, I reckon even in those situations, I'd still treat my other self as an individual separate from me. I'd still be awkward and polite and very ill at ease. It takes ages for me to make friends. I convey myself well through writing but I'm nowhere near as well-spoken IRL. I'm starting to cut myself some slack and show myself some of the basic decency that comes so naturally where other people are concerned, but it's a pretty long road and I have very short legs. 09:31 I'm getting better at not looking at the clock while I write! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
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