|Hello! Welcome to the WDC! I found your poem on the Newbie Page and I thought I would check it out. Please understand that my review is meant to be helpful and encouraging. If I offend you in any way, do not hesitate to let me know. Please accept this review in the spirit it is given.
What I liked about your piece is that it is very original and introspective. Your piece allows your readers to get to know you and a little bit of what you experienced in your life. I like the imagery and melancholic tone of this piece. It made me think of my own childhood and my own impressions of life at that time. It is amazing that sometimes, no matter how old we get...our thoughts or impressions that we had as a child, stay with us. I thought your piece did a good job of expressing this notion.
There are several factors that I thought needed a second look. The number one thing I noticed was that this piece is labeled as a poem. Immediately, I could tell that this was not a poem. It does have rhyming factors...but the format you chose dictates that this piece is a Prose and not a Poem. If you want to keep this piece labeled as it is...then changing the format is imperative. To change the label...all you need to do is edit your piece. Once you get to the edit screen...right there in the first block is a line that you can choose to change the label.
In the first paragraph, I noticed that the second sentence is a run-on sentence with too many comma's. Personally, I would put a period after nine, remove the comma after out. I would put a period after sunshine, put "that" after picture, and a period after drew. I would delete "it made a statement" and start a new sentence with "It". I think you meant to say it was so much prettier than mine. I will say that when I read the first paragraph, I wasn't sure what was "prettier than mine". I didn't know if you meant the sun was prettier than the one you drew or if your were talking about the house. Of course, the more I read, the meaning became clear. I will not go through each paragraph ...but I will say that this piece would benefit from an edit. There is text language, and I believe that in writing, you should never use text language. It makes your piece appear to be unfinished. I think if you edit this piece again by removing unnecessary words and put spaces after the comma's and not before them, this piece would be easier to read.
Personally, I would love to see this piece in true poetic form. It would take a lot of work..but it can be done. I think that there could be so many directions you could take this. I am going to use your first two paragraphs to show you what I mean.
I have always loved yellow houses
They were prettier than mine
I first saw it down the street
When I was nine
It stood out like a ray of sunshine
Like the sun with the smile
In the pictures that I drew
It was prettier than mine
Bleak, like all the rest
Conformed and drained of life
It was a rainbow for my eyes
It looked like the houses I used to draw
I bet the inside is like no other
Staircases of candy lined with toys
And bright with so many paints and colors
Please remember that this is just my opinion, you are welcome to discard it. I see so much potential in this piece. It's great as a prose, and as I already stated...with some editing it could be great.
This concludes my review. I hope my review was helpful and encouraging. Thank you so much for sharing. Again, welcome to the WDC. I hope you take off your shoes and stay awhile! Write on, read on, rate on! Taryn