Let me say that I understand that we are fallible. That we make mistakes, especially if it is our first time doing it or trying it. However, for me that does not mean that I do not strive to do whatever I can to make it better. That is how I learn, how I become better. Because of that, I have decided to review your poem anyway and give my best advice, because even if it is your first one, it doesn't mean it can't be the best it can be. I only want to help and hope you receive it in the manor that is given.
Having said all that, let me also say that I liked your poem. I think the premise behind it is sound. I think the imagery is also good. But there is one thing that I think needs to be done.
1. Edit. All of the "errors" I see are grammatical. There are comma's where periods would serve you better. There are comma's at the beginning of lines. And when referencing yourself, your "i's" should be "I". As it stands, this piece looks like a rough draft, but from the feeling behind your writing I know that you are well past that.
Unfortunately, in life we are judged by what we put out there.Judging is wrong, but it happens. The only thing we can do is to put our best foot forward, be the best we can be, and hope that the world see us for who and what we really are. Your work on first glance says that you don't care what others think, which may be true. Except for the fact that you are on this site, and since this site is for exposure, education, and encouragement; I can only assume you are here for one or more of those things. I would love to see the edited version of this piece.
Thank you for sharing and welcome to the WDC. Write on!
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