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Rated: 18+ · Book · Spiritual · #1149750
10k views, 2x BestPoetryCollection. A nothing from nowhere cast words to a world wide wind
I’m disabled by more than blindness.

Writing: Like one of those adventure games where you go off questing in different directions but you don’t advance in life. Pretty medallions sought for words/my soul, slow burnt. Full of misdirects, right back at the start, but still quest with thirst.

Life of turmoil produces stuff like this. Not going to call it beautiful agony…it gets a bit uglier. Minced words too pungent. If they take time to notice, must be doing something right.

scripturam in hoc non mutamus, quia stultus es et differentiam nescies.

(hic)

The beautiful mess you made:
I had a lover's quarrel with the world - Robert Frost

         |
I'm sorry you got caught in the middle. - me

Neurodivergent poet seeks love without that fart in the room between us. Honesty without mincing words has come with a price for those juggling the hot my takes on what’s ‘truth’ (here’s some oven mitts). Best to stay clear of those surrounded by moat rules.

Real dialogue is accepted.

Wasn’t as open at first about recent diagnosis on spectrum with ADHD (complicated by PTSD, life of brain traumas). Been suggested by doctors of late I might want another brain scan (since 12/4/17…blogged).

This poet’s words collect, arrange on a kaleidoscope spectrum. The experience of discovery through writing is the truest reward that has allowed me to grow and learn who/what I am — what other people get naturally, immediately, while I stomp around in it.

Been blessed, but pushing it — envelope, world and all inhabitants away. Push buttons, find boundaries to trip traps. No clue why cat curiosity, living in your dark. (Bored, perhaps?)

Now and then, push dirt out of this hole; someone/thing/entity might envision me how I need to be viewed (if I knew what that was). Cryptic, yes. Try living in my dark, find comfort amid strange, virtual, wonderful walls that tower above, tempt me to scale.

Been more than I could imagine or expect here. But, achievements aren’t going on a LinkedIn wall *Think*. I dig deeper than I should, often without forethought. Aimless words, brave or veiled cowardice, flinchingly flung, inadvertently hit targets? Get a ‘back off’ shoulder shot when asking your motivations here. Not fair?

No prize to eye; not incentivized. Dealt the worst two cards before the flop, do best with what’s in hand.



My Pluggers:
You are an icon here.*BigSmile*
You suffer, but you suffer brilliantly. Wow, what a great writer.*Heart*


It’s like plugging myself, but using other people’s (reviewers) words…Review of "Poetic Referendum(s) On Life"
Your poetic muse is on fire! *Fire* Some great emotion, well-balance(d), lovely lyrical qualities -- even the ones that were written out of sadness or anger came through in a clever cadence…It's obvious you've put a lot of work into each entry and the totality of the blog has eye appeal. *Cool*

 
Published four times with one a literary journal, including… *PointRight*   "The Tender Core (Sedona)
I don’t submit because it’s too much work. Truly alone, know no one cares to show they believe/support me. Lip service feeds delusion. I’ve seen a lot of smoldering and snow. Try not be cynical, work hard at openness and consideration — work, sooo…gut thing.

*Toilet* *RibbonW* Merit Badge in Taboo Words
[Click For More Info]

Brian,

Congratulations! You won 1st Place in Taboo Words with your fantastic poem, [Link to Book Entry #1027659]. 

I absolutely loved this! *^*Heart*^*

Rachel Merit Badge in Poetry
[Click For More Info]

    Thanks you for supporting the  [Link To Item #power]  with an order to the  [Link To Item #powergifts] ! We appreciate it. *^*Heartv*^* Keep writing the beautiful poetry. [Link to Book Entry #1027659] is an awesome poem! *^*Starv*^* ~Lornda

 
Love my process constructing and sharing visions in words collected (no small task considering personal and physical limitations, see below).


August 28, 2006 this blog opened

BOOK
SuperNova Afterglow: End Of Days  (18+)
All that remains: here in my afterlife as a 'mainstream' blogger, with what little I know.
#1300042 by Brian KC in Odenkirk role


No specific aim going forward (2014)

 
What I used to say: 'Maybe, I just don't get it. Watch me fumble with my version of reality, expose ignorance as truth. You don't have to get me, either. But, wish someone would explain me to myself.' Now I say: *Cool* *FacePalm* Now: I was such a whore.
 


*Laugh*This is old….
What? Oh, this? A rhetorical, self-motivational speech I'm working on.
Don't just read the parts to construct your theory, as if to confirm (construed out of context) your opinion, mentally-stunted Neanderthal. Therapist wants me to be less negative toward myself. I see it as attacking, rather than being defensive. Fear I will chomp too many bullets unintentionally sent toward the unsuspecting.
If you can be triggered for stupid reasons, then I?
…just looked like me rolling around on the floor with myself.*RollEyes*
             



What Was NEW

Who am I, you ask? My mirror knows that question, repeated daily.

Just trying to create a little buzz, not boost my ego.

#amwriting #poetry #blog #contest #freeverse #award #bestpoetry #freyaridings #lyrics #music #video #YouTube

Can you believe it took this long for someone to put a quarter in me and push the button GET ANGRY?
 

Mud 4 My Eye: Is that you, Poo? 💩 Secret Back Door

The Best Poetry Collection on Writing.Com
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June 8, 2022 at 10:53pm
June 8, 2022 at 10:53pm
#1033632
Poetry and publishing are like how I love fishing,
but clueless where to drop a line in the water.
I could get pretty skilled at it, if I find some places. I could ask around
where to fish, but many won’t reveal their secret hole. Or,
just no good advice out there. Or, so far removed from the best places to fish,
you get stuck hauling sunfish/bluegill not big enough…
to scale, bone, cut up…to eat. Slightly bigger than your bait,
you could still haul one worthy to take home.

It’s the excitement of prepping, setting your pole to reel one in,
and tender wait on a temperate day, when trees shimmy turbulent leaves,
yellow, green, yellow, green and the blue fades into white billows
sketched on dappled glass that teases just enough to get you to grasp
and tighten that light line a bit before…reel back, cast and set again.

A red float happily bobble-spin dances before a little back and forth and round and down,
and the game begins! Hope she’s a beauty. The One. A dream.

Did I just make a poem out of that?

Day 4: "The Bard's Hall Contest

6.8.22

"Note: Revised and retitled poem [Link to Book Entry #1..."
June 8, 2022 at 9:52am
June 8, 2022 at 9:52am
#1033603
They found your love, hit the target.
I could not get within range.
So rare, other worldly, I connect as dust
to aria aura that bleeds melancholy.
On tides I ride our ocean apart.

Your Castles rise beyond my eyes,
Where empty I find myself
With warbled words harmonious,
Tracing the signature of my core,
A soul of rubble, rebuilding with hope
I could be as strong as I ever was.

You do not know you hold my hand
In this strange, beguiling land.
In waves of rhythms, I flow further
From where I’ve been, visualize
How my love could hit your target.
Heightened senses reel, knowing
What we share in your Castles.

With aim true, my slender words would echo:
(after my golden arrow struck)
to revel in your love…to revel in your love…



6.10.22

Aim seems a theme with me lately.


Thank you Freya, newly discovered Titian-haired goddess of song, with apparent genetic markers akin,
resonating in a captured boy’s disconnected soul.
June 5, 2022 at 11:55pm
June 5, 2022 at 11:55pm
#1033416
The switch is faulty, wiring exposed,
laminate peeling, but copper-strong.
Ready to ignite a feeling
if you flip. If you flip, I’ll light
all you dream. I could be everything
I want to be, illuminate our way. But,
you fear electricity, drawn to a wall,
dull. Vibrant paint time peeled away.
The hall is dark, where we two sway.
Maybe, light will find us another way.

I’ll sing for you, if you have no song.



6.6.22
12.30.22 edit

June 2, 2022 at 11:33am
June 2, 2022 at 11:33am
#1033223
I’m a bard, essentially, so my poetry blog is dedicated to:
FORUM
The Bard's Hall Contest  (13+)
MAY Villanelle
#981150 by StephBee

for June 2022.

In Love With A Cactus

I’m in love with a cactus, that took so long
to flower before my eyes
in this dry, jailed heat that releases
my tears, lifting to feed
the hungry air shared.
A clean sun
bakes us in dusted kiln, apart,
glazing with fear to touch your skin.
Will I bleed? Will you need me
love again, harder, deeper, impale
my love on stoic arms of nails?
I’m in a canyon,
scaled down a lifetime to reach,
to near your precious core.
Why do I question anymore?
Seasons beneath each pale moon rush past,
silent stealth gone before I rise.
My eyes crust and crack open,
long for any tender touch to wake.
The days had just begun, soared,
nearing in this descent.
No other use for these ailing arms,
knowing I must squeeze
with all my strength.
Breath vacates deflated lungs.
When young,
had I seized the chance, I’d climb.
Good for you that I fear falling,
our story with no arc or acts —
just brilliant, magnetic curtains stars pierce,
gases fueling a radiant sundown.


6.2.22
6.6.22 edit

Screw stanzas, line breaks. Keep your nose to the grindstone, pry for meaning.
Hmm. *Think*
May 30, 2022 at 10:24pm
May 30, 2022 at 10:24pm
#1033073
I wrote it all down, what I would do
In this afterlife, formerly hopeful,
As if I could dream again
In an empty garden. Let’s start
From the soul, plant things
From a dry brain, drained.
I’d learn guitar, sing verses
To ignorant trees, Words fly
to the pale blue, And dark,
forming clouds. I would construct
these verses, yearning returning love.
Connection is what I lack
To the living things, having not
Been mindful. In a house
I don’t properly take care of,
She won’t let me sell.
I’d consolidate a collection
Of dusty belongings, move
To a temporary, transitive residence,
Consider a new vehicle
And begin a leisurely life of travel
On my own Route 66.



6.5ish
Edited 6.10.22
Guess I’ll not add, end list.
May 29, 2022 at 7:12pm
May 29, 2022 at 7:12pm
#1033027
I could devote my life to something.
It hands me a cookie.
My heart’s not in it, as I chew.
What I temporarily savor
Does not sate craving.
It’s confusing. Am I chasing
What I want? Do I need
To win a rejecting fire
To cool. My oxygen
Is it’s hunger. Might feel warm —
Get too close, burned.
I could save the world
Before myself, sacrificing
All I ever dreamed, want,
Which I tired of chasing.

Oh, look! Another cookie.
I clutched handfuls in youth.
What was I doing, needing
The likes of you, rejectors,
My tempting confectioners?


5.29.22

Something I started without knowing where I was going, thinking about culture grafting sections of dystopian fiction to f with minds…work, social platforms and other gathering places. When are robots redacting uprisers who haven’t tired like me?

Seek but fail at perfection; this will have to do for now.
May 29, 2022 at 2:16pm
May 29, 2022 at 2:16pm
#1033013
What you call Wounds
I call experience
That in due time,
when you cease bleeding —
that Seems to make you rush,
Flush with Rage judgment —
         Hold yourself,
if none will Touch,
         Bar you from loathing
Whatever you must,

Before you stream down A river
of life,
bypass every tributary,
Every entreating eye brightened
By your gleam. Winter
Will freeze. Slow,
Before clouds claim back
Borrowed tears.


5.25.22
6.26.22 major add, edit, out of private,
still needing work, trying to turn it into something as if by accident
May 28, 2022 at 7:13pm
May 28, 2022 at 7:13pm
#1032969


why do you make me shine?

Beneath this glass, molecules relocating
         by every twitch, touch
I ripple within, disturbed by what I can inhale,
ingest, take into my lungs.
         Something described from your lips
as love -- trust that I won’t drown.

In a bath for one, dark shrouds,
sunrise clouds. Does it go down?
Buoyant so long, I dare not dive.
Always felt you, and you, and a world
at my side, glowing
just bright enough to hide.

I confide, I waded in, heard pleas,
followed dreams of visages of you.
Faulty DNA or something got me
in a mess I cannot address

As the moon rises, gleams an eye,
one blue will always be dry.

Deeper in the glass, shine, sing
your warbled song so strong
ears could bleed. Thicken a bath
pooled red, where standing in dread
realize I was never drowning.

Might think I’m clowning. Never
more serious, knowing I can leave
this hollow pond, find dry wood
         and in grass, settle down.

Luna could vaporize a soul, I imagine.
Do we really have time for this now?
I’m out of my bath and sober.
Have longed to hear a beautiful voice
lonely as mine. Why do you make me shine?

6.1.22
6.23.22 edited


Am I a romantic trapped in a clown’s makeup. Must be confusing. I know.
May 28, 2022 at 10:50am
May 28, 2022 at 10:50am
#1032955


We've been beside the gulch,
eager to climb a wooded bluff.
Obstacles below and high got in my eye.
But, I could see you by my side.

Right now, I'm pressed to a thick pane
of a steel train gliding flat
through a soothing plane. You,
with your book enjoyed, I, with liquor
I've longed to try, subside.

Rolling, a bump or two reminds you
to look up, catch a blue gleam.
Restful, on a long journey
to the other side. I wonder
if we'll part before destination.
I see a billow, pale sky. No answer.

We've been deeper before.
We've been high, eye to eye.
Nothing in our way now, descending.
I see clearly you here with me now.

Gliding down a lonesome track,
I won't look back. You smile
and I realize the climax satisfies.
Foam on creamy glass dries. Rolling,
I'm reminded of a blue gleam.

Restful on the other side, I wonder
if my destination soon arrives.
Do I dare wonder if any will cry?
One view cherished an entire ride.


5.28.22

original title was going to be "Why Do I Do This?" Yeah, I don't know either. Funny, memory. Sad, inspiration fleeting.
May 25, 2022 at 11:27pm
May 25, 2022 at 11:27pm
#1032866
They’re all Eve. If wrong for you,
It must be right. Oh, they know.
That’s what makes it so good?
Must I act depraved, too? Forbidden?

Like poison, and antidote, ingest me.
Take quickly, skirt back on.
I’ll kiss that lovely frown. Then,
Walk your shame through the center
Of the unsuspecting town, project
Every judging look, as knowing
A woman with no self-respect

Crawls out of her bed, into my window,
Surrenders at night, never
Putting up a fight. Like an apple,
Bitten to her core, poisoned pleasure,
Call her dirty names. She loves it more.

I’m her poison now. A man of deceit
Who does not cheat, just lonely.
Does not tell her no sin was committed —
That not a soul stares back to glare
At a woman who wants to steal and got
A good man for a bargain. She would leave
For something cheaper, she calls golden…
If she knew. Haven’t saved her, or myself.



“Sooner or later in life the things you love you’ll lose.”

5.25.22


Made up to Poison, F Ridings, knowing we don’t value something if it doesn’t question our morality.
May 20, 2022 at 11:22pm
May 20, 2022 at 11:22pm
#1032654
Still in progress…

He lies in the tub in his clothes
In the dark when I dare knock,
Fearing to ask when I can brush my teeth.
He decided vodka tastes best straight from bottle,
Learning how to numb, bathe
In moon glow, sleep with tv on (sometimes
Until dawn) in a makeshift bedroom, dusty, spider-infested,
next to that creepy boiler in our basement.
I wondered how long a soak could last
in tee and underpants. Told not to worry,
but worry during this phase of dysphoria.
She wasn’t caught early enough. He wants to emerge
before 18. Can’t wait too long — even
if I hide liquor — nothing is strong enough
To stop self-hate until he’s a man.



5.20.22

I love you Myles! I’m coming.
If I only knew how to save you from my own ignorance.
May 20, 2022 at 11:18pm
May 20, 2022 at 11:18pm
#1032652
I don’t look crippled. You walk past.
Blind, I don’t look lost. No cane, shades.
You walk on past.
I don’t wear my wounds
On the outside. You don’t see
Inside my soul.
You, angel, have love
For somebody. Not me.
I could block your path, plead.
My words mean nothing
Visually. I’m a weathered soul,
Bleeding within, blind from journey,
Not knowing where to go.
Frozen, can’t traverse another avenue,
Without you to help me cross.
Dear angel, I’m dying. You’re flying
Leagues above me. Don’t know
The true s*rr*w that I
Can’t express in distress.
I’ll manage. Walk on by.


5.20.22
May 18, 2022 at 12:38pm
May 18, 2022 at 12:38pm
#1032571
Winged girl could worry for me,
Doesn’t see inside a container,
Deceptively cool, acts a child,
Reliving happiness when her hands
Fussed with his Sunday outfit,
Brushed the blond shock of hair --
A wild boy aiming fiery blues
Contrasting crimson cheeks.

Winged beauty full of tender notes,
Navigates air out of reach.
No plea will she hear from me,
Aged and remiss for life not lived,
Regaining focus inside a beast,
Devouring every second like
Molecules, disintegrating.
I'm not the savage, you know.


5.18.22
May 15, 2022 at 11:36am
May 15, 2022 at 11:36am
#1032440
On a dust plain, you see heat rise,
distort dry fauna fading green.
Bones ache, but your blooms distract,
help me heal in precious, amber light.

In porch shade we rock, glide
side by side in silence
all these years. A moment arrives
so perfect, I kiss you,
passionately, again, feel
the cicadas unrest and tremor.

We could strip to salt flesh I long to devour.
You stand to refill our lemonade.
My hand brushes the tender underside
of your boot cut denim.
Not long is dinner, sunset in Sedona.

We will afford the loss of sunrise.
Cayenne canyon of soaring rock
fences us willingly within.
No taste for dinner but soft cotton.
Aroma of sandalwood encircles
cooling limbs entwined. I feel
beating beneath breathing
and hold the tender core
like a baby.

Thankful, all these years
absorbing color of sunrises
and the view across a shared room.
You could be a memory,
constant in dreams,
my soul’s red canyon.


"The Tender Core (Sedona)

War Of Youth

When he scooped you from the earth,
carried you
to the speeding car that brought you down
to the gulch
where dutiful bees stung the small flesh,
he realized war again —

nothing like he ever fought
but was prepared for.

meanwhile, I
obsessively plucked petals from white daisies,
blissful, unaware
how brutal life could be
until rubber complained
to the hot blacktop —
when I heard his true love in wails echo
above stubborn birch, pine and hardwood
that every aware animal could witness.

at seven, I believed
he loved a small, bloody boy more,
whimpering in clover
with the yellow and black, and
fractured leg to set.
glowing white angels would bathe
and tend contusions and abrasions,
cheer a freckled chin.

in my designated corner,
a toy for distraction
did not deter wonder —
if I hurt myself,
would he love me more?


"A War Of Youth

Prose and Dead Men

Tiger-striped flannel and matching ball cap,
if slid askew, would remind you
of the old man sitting on the tailgate of his blue Ford,
sheltered amid flocked customers
and other vegetable growers. Cracking wise
in the corner parking lot of the local farmer’s market,
his hat true, angled in the locked position.
A habit I suppose from serving in military.

Big John missed death as a sentry in Guam
by just one hour, relieved of post before another throat slit,
some nameless brother in arms.
A story you were not privy until a man.

I scribble these musings in secret journals --
hollow words spun from a corner booth for hours
at mic’ed readings where no one peruses
the printed commitments amid pregnant pauses.
My endless voice scratchings echo an arena choked,
with tears in my eyes not for him but
some liberal heart bleeding, pleading
actualize the purpose of my prose.


"Prose And Dead Men
May 14, 2022 at 9:01am
May 14, 2022 at 9:01am
#1032386
Isn't enough to sit, and just listen?
What I learn, voiceless, I long
to belong to something
that does not wish to reciprocate.
I long to remember the purpose
of this aching container
in a maze of avenues I once knew.
It's all new, or
are the maps spun so
a boy cannot find home?
Isn't enough to watch a parade
pass me by, ignore yearning
to participate, sound a horn
for loving spectators, when
it's just a spectacle I'm viewing.

Lost in a crowd of strangers,
the strangest of all
acts like a fool, wanting.
When the street hides in black,
snow gently falling,
I wander out to find youth.
Memory of where I've been
suddenly becomes true.
And because you haven't learned
the secret of a pale moon
hovering my cold avenue,
ears connected to a heart
hear again
without the din of you.


5.14.22

as is, for now

May 12, 2022 at 11:17pm
May 12, 2022 at 11:17pm
#1032337
I witnessed you at your round table; your eyes and slight curvature called smile addressed me (without word) as if to say I know everything. But, what I now realize: Satan acting like Jesus, protected by an ever changing cast of apostles until you are ash. In future time, I’ll witness that empty table to possess and order service for one. No glass will raise. Just a simple supper and feint recollection of indifference.


Quill Nominated Best Poetry Collection two consecutive years, 2020 and 2021.

May 12, 2022 at 1:51pm
May 12, 2022 at 1:51pm
#1032314


My noise:
just disturbance to you,
distraction
from what’s more important,
needs attention.

But, wait!
They don’t love you like I love you.
My noise,
you’ve been canceling, lives
for you.

Wait…
White noise,
you press the snooze on me,
sleep,
as muffled walls absorb my story.


5.12.22

If it’s the last words you’ll hear, hope then, loudest…if not, best.
May 12, 2022 at 1:39pm
May 12, 2022 at 1:39pm
#1032312
Hand Wash Only (Gentle)

With delicate cycle selected,
trusted to a fine fabric,
I fell into a wash with you.
Turbulent times have been
sometimes torn, always mended,
but never the same as before.

I slipped in this bath with you.
Soft cells sluffed away, sent
to a hungry drain
eager for more of our skin.

Turbulent it could seem,
memory washing from life.
With delicate cycle selected,
let a fine fabric spin, again.
I cling to you, just as
you have clung, sometimes
separate to inhale tender fragrance.

Dry, we reassemble folded,
another day adorned, softly worn.



5.12.22
5.14.22 two lines added
6.20.22 last stanza added

20 lines, free verse

For your consideration, edited anew this month:
Did not place in top 5 of Shadows and Light (Round 109)
May 12, 2022 at 10:50am
May 12, 2022 at 10:50am
#1032305
Amid love’s lonely and austere offices
         reserved for you,
         giddiness of a child restrained.
yet, a heart would chase:
red tendril tresses flowing behind your form,
lay gently down your
ruffled blouse, pleated summer skirt
in a wild weed, yellow sanctuary.

Vibrant blue vistas gaze upon me,
         unhesitant pursue a boy,
         lonely and austere listening
to release of those tender notes
from coiled lips' charm.
Youth lost years ago revived, longs
lay beneath the red tendril tresses,
a canopy for our shadowed love.

Restrain my giddiness -- hollow --
yet pursue reservedly an echo.
Vibrant essence, a tempting harmony, lingers
like channels to caverns,
inside castles of everlasting youth.
Release those coiled lips with charm,
framed by your hovering form.
         A boy lays longingly in our wild weed.



5.12.22 many revisions in private until public on:
5.14.22

Who is Freya? Read the rest of this blog. I also borrowed one line from a famous poem, also previously mentioned in blog, I think?
May 11, 2022 at 10:40am
May 11, 2022 at 10:40am
#1032243
what should I write next? do you dare
my muse compare, respond to the core of you
standing over, shadowing someone who
has yet to stand up, compare
to the size of you?

I played your game; you ignore mine.
that's fine. don't have time to learn
rules forced upon me, not convenient
to some like you, who abuses
any structural thing.

what should I do next? Should I dare
mess with this muse and likes of you,
someone who doesn't respond, indifferent,
never reacting to a game of my words
that could send you down?

I'll have a few things to say
before you open that mouth.
I'm prepared. Be afraid, or
find someone else to fuck with, unless
there's no one else?
I guess, no more games.



5.11.22
5.14.22 last edit

yes, all these words written in haste one day that you collect, pretend not notice, to throw back in my face, when I smile, because I know I got to you.



I could love you like no other, yet wonder, who's more afraid.

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